Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami: Picture Perfect

PREVIOUSLY ON KOURTNEY AND KHLOE TAKE MIAMI

Kourtney, Khloe, Scott and Mason visit the polo ponies at the racetrack. Kourtney gets irritated when Scott doesn’t get jealous at Jockey Nicodemus and decides to take matters into her own little Fry Kid hands. Kourt Kourt recruits her friend Jackie and attempts to make Scott jealous except it backfires when he attempts to initiate a three-way in the Hot Tub Time Machine. Meanwhile Khlo-ho’s quality time with Lamar is constantly cock blocked by her little bro Rob. Meanwhile Mason scores the sweetest baby ensembles except his momma keeps buying him fat ass diapers that make his ass look big in his custom made trousers Scott bought him.

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE: PICTURE PERFECT

And no this isn’t the Jennifer Aniston movie.

With this movie I am one degree of separation from Kevin Bacon.

This week Kourtney goes exercise crazy, and I hope we get to see her popping caffeine pills to keep up.

I’m soo excited….I’m sooo excited….that I’ll be doing Show Girls in 2 years.

Also Khloe and Kourtney have a HUGE fight over DASH.

Soo are you ready kids!!

Aye-aye Swellmel!

I can’t hear you…

Aye-aye Swellmel.

Oh! Who lives in a condo w/a Hot Tub Time Machine near the sea?

Kourtney Fry Girl!

Vapid and shallow and dense is she!

Kourtney Fry Girl!

If random hyjinx w/Khloe Hamburglar is something you wish…

Kourtney Fry Girl!

Then drop your drawers like Scott and let your junk flop like a dead fish!

Kourtney Fry Girl!

Ready?

Kourtney Fry Girl! Kourtney Fry Girl! Kourtney Fry Girl!

Kourtney….Fry….GIRL!!! Ha ha! Do-d0-d0-do… Do-do!

AT KOURTNEY’S CONDO IN MIAMI…

Khloe has returned to Miami and stops by the condo to see Kourtney and Mason.

Kourtney coos “ooo look Auntie Khloe is here!!

Hey girl! Heyyyy!!

Khloe immediately heads over to baby Mason and picks him up like Terk from Tarzan (voiced by Rosie O’Donnell).

Hurry up Tarzan! I gotta get to Super Save! I need a toilet seat. Oh yeah, can you spare some change for bus fare? I gotta ride the bus with my sister.

Khloe, holding Mason in the air, asks him “I missed you! Did you miss me?”

No and you’re kinda tweaking my nipples right now, so stop. My new sport coat was chaffing them earlier.

Khloe tells us how she is going to be positive and not whine about being away from Lamar. She is also ready to get back to work at DASH just as Kourt Kourt calls Khlo-ho a slacker.

Mason also appears to have gotten the upper hand on Auntie Khloe.

I’m going to take a dump on your chest. Wait… you’d probably like that, wouldn’t you? Damn you Kardashians and your sex tapes!

IN THE STUDIO WITH KHLOE AFTER DARK…

Neon Green Half-man is dancing spastically on the buildings again. Must be tiring always missing a part of yourself. I wonder if Lord Voldemort feels the same way?

If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me… Uh uh uh uh no baby please don’t go. Seriously, I need my arm back!

Speaking of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named…, she’s in the studio with R&B Singer Monica!!! I personally always thought the boy was Monica’s. Besides Brandy lied to everyone that she was married. Clearly the boy wasn’t hers.

At this point, I notice that Khloe’s microphone is pimped out and as a fan of all things sparkly and glittery I WANT IT!

Yeah, I pimped out my mic. After Kourtney burned my cooch w/hot wax, I couldn’t vajazzle it. I had to use the rhinestones for something.

Khloe asks Monica about her album and how her life experiences have influenced her music. Monica explains that emotionally she has always been the rock.

You know rock always crushes scissors. I mean who can fucking win against rock? Now paper is a pussy and ya’ll know it.

Khloe says she can really relate to what Monica is saying. Khloe says people always expect her to do something without really asking her.

Khloe flashes back to Mama Tarantula Eyes Kris telling her to do the dishes. Khloe explains that she’s always the go to girl, the fix it girl. Then she flashes back to helping Bruce.

Take the airplane to the hobby store and get a repair kit. Borrow Brody’s Swedish-made penis enlarger that should “un-invert” it. Put a paper bag on your head but make sure to cut out eyes and a nose first. Take two aspirins and call me in the morning.

Khloe says if Kim was married to Reggie, they wouldn’t expect her to go to Miami. But she’s not, Khloe. Kim is too busy hanging out with Justin Bieber. Btw WTF? How very Rebecca De Mornay of her.

I’m telling you Miss Jay. Help me ‘rock this craddle’ and you’ll get your own show without five finger forehead Tyra.

Monica is very insightful and explains to the listeners that you have to say okay things happen but I’m not a victim. In order to be victorious, you have to walk away from feeling like you’re a victim.

Seriously Monica, that would be a great saying for an affirmations book. Khloe agrees and tells listeners “We’re enjoying a therapy session with Monica.”

Everyone laughs.

AT KOURTNEY’S CONDO…

Kourtney, Scott and Khloe are eating dinner. Well, not everyone is eating. Khloe asks for some ketchup, and Kourtney starts counting how many calories are in ketchup.

I see Kourt Kourt was watching Plaza Sesamo today.

The Count and I got to 60 today so there are 60 carbs in ketchup. Oooo and did you know that Abby Cadabby has a meth addiction? And Rosita is being deported for illegal immigration violations. Tsk tsk.

Kourtney tells the camera that she has this bikini (who wears a bikini near the sea? KOURTNEY FRY GIRL!) photo shoot for Life & Style Mag coming up. She wants to be in the best shape possible to show women that they can get their body back after having a baby.

Khloe dumps an unknown substance (is it dish soap?) on Kourtney’s head. Kourtney jumps and Khloe squirts more of the liquid. Scott yells “Watch the computer, you won’t be able to count calories.”

Yeah that was a good one-liner. Paul Allen totally would have said that. Speaking of, I really need to remove him from my trunk.

Khloe continues spraying liquid as Kourtney runs to the bedroom. Khloe heads into the bedroom and Scott follows yelling “Khloe let’s feed her. I’ve got a shish kabob.”

Khloe and Scott pin Kourtney down and attempt to force feed her.

Kourtney choked on the food and the sequel to “Jawbreaker” was born.

Kourtney manages to break free and pins down Khlo-ho until Scott instructs Khloe to bite Kourtney’s feet.

Then as Khloe tugs on Kourtney’s shirt, Kourtney slips out of the garment and runs to the closet with Khloe in pursuit.

As the two continue to fight, Scott looks on.

I’m such a great director.

Khloe and Kourtney head back into the bedroom, and Kourtney is now down to her bra and pants. Scott walks in and tells Kourt she is going to be sooo skinny because of this fight. She must have burned like 80 calories.

Cue the opening credits. (Kinda late for these huh?)

STYLING SESSION

Lisa, a stylist, drops by the condo.

Just smile. They can’t be that bad. Nothing is worse than Britney getting chicken grease on a Versace dress. Just smile…

Lisa tells Kourtney that she looks great. Kourtney replies she’s not quite there yet and walks over to the rack of clothes.

Ooo camo! I think Matrix could use an assistant in “Commando II.”

Lisa and Kourtney look at two-piece bathing suits. Kourtney tells Lisa that she wants to look good, but realistic, and not rely on photoshop.

Montage of trying on clothes.

Khloe starts laughing and Kourtney wants to know why.

I was just remembering when Lamar and I stuck Rob’s hand in warm water. Rob pissed himself . When he went to grab a pair of boxers he discovered that Lamar and I had put all of them in the freezer.

Khloe manages to pull herself together and tells Fry Girl that her boobs are massive. Fry Girl agrees.

Totally a Chubby Checkers ass. Have you been eating too many mashed potatoes huh, Kourt?

Trying on clothes montage continues.

Uh oh. To quote Britney Spear’s “Crazy Video” “STOP!!!”

Kourtney is hiding her stomach with her hands. Kourtney feels like she still has to work more on her fitness. Khloe tells her, “Kousin Kourtney, don’t be ridiculous.”

Kourtney isn’t buyng Khloe’s Balki. Kourtney knows she still has more work to do.

Montage of trying on clothes continues.

Eww then Khloe uses Kourtney’s butt as a slut..I mean slot machine.

Hey Abe Lincoln, how’s the rusty trombone?

Khloe giggles and says I only put a quarter in and got 50 cents back. When Khloe if your momma sat on a dollar, you’d get four quarters back. Hah!

Yuck then Khloe literally kisses Kourtney’s ass to show how much she loves her. You Kardashians are weird!

AT DASH…

These mannequins are ex-girlfriends of the Headless ‘Christopher Walken’ Horseman. Can you blame him for beheading them? After 2 hours of listening to microfiber vs cotton blend and complaining about ass floss giving you a yeast infection (apparently mannequins get those too), I bet you’d do the same.

The Dash girls in unison say hello!!! Khloe is amused.

Khloe tells the girls that Kourtney is preoccupied this week with getting ready for the Life & Style Magazine shoot so Khloe will be DASH head bitch this week.

This is what DASH Head Bitch looks like.

Khloe tells the DASH girls that they just have to listen to her and make her look good ‘kay?

Mmm ‘kay reply the DASH-ies.

AT DAVID BARTON GYM…

F to the R to the Y to the G-I-R-L is working on her fitness.

OH-MY-Flight of the Navigator! Am I being abducted? Wait can I finish this crunch?

BACK AT DASH…

Lots of people are coming into the store. Not sure if they are actually buying anything or just trying to get their faces on camera. I’m betting on the latter.

Montage:

Kourtney working out.

Khloe arranging underwear.

Kourtney gaining a pound.

Khloe listening to Katy’s shower sex stories.

Kourtney posing like Bachelor douche Jake Pavelka.

Look pensive…like a pensive flamingo. Pensive flamingo silhouette.

Kourtney tells To-Wong-Foo here that she would like to lose another 8 to 10 pounds.

Sure thing but first, you need to help me with the Strawberry Social.

Khloe watching Katy pants a mannequin.

Kourtney running Bay Watch style on the beach.

Then like when Lost’s time line finally matched up, Khloe and Kourtney meet and Kourtney discusses her jiggly ass and flotation device arms.

What am I going to do today? Fly away?

While Khloe stares at herself in the mirror.

I’m just like John Travolta in “Face/Off”.

AT THE HILTON…

Kourtney is looking like Pocahontas again and Scott is playing pocket ball.

Okay I’m leaving. I’ve got the ball-in-hand.

Kourtney tells Scott she is going to the gym, and Scott says no he’s going to work. Kourtney needs to stay with Mason.

Nah you two kids go. I’ll be fine. I’ve got a glass table and Moo Moo Mobile to keep me occupied.

Kourtney doesn’t care that Scott has to work. She tells him she’s going to the gym. Then she says what’s more important? Your work or me going to the gym? No brainer. Work. Besides why can’t you stay at home and work out for one day? That’s right there would be no conflict. Continue.

Scott tells Kourtney that she looks like she’s going to pass out and shouldn’t be going to the gym.

Seriously girl, eating one cracker a day isn’t going to cut it. I told you not to take those Missy Elliot lyrics literally.

Khloe walks in the doorway and offers to watch Mason. Bam problem solved…ehhh not quite. Kourtney snaps at Khloe and tells her not to get involved.

Kourtney – GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

Khloe – “Okay Gene Wilder, it’s not like I was swimming in your chocolate waterfall. Geez.”

Kourtney stalks out of the room and heads to the gym forcing Scott to cancel his meeting.

LATER THAT EVENING…

Khloe finds Kourtney passed out on the couch.

Leave me alone Khloe. I’m just about to have breakfast with Chuck Norris. He makes the best waffles.

Kourtney gets up and gasps that her alarm didn’t go off. Khloe is like where are you going?

Kourtney responds the gym. She like totally missed her workout for sure.

Khloe is like it’s 9 o’clock at night, you need to chill. Then Khloe asks Kourt where does she need to lose more weight.

Kourtney starts getting all Tracy Gold and says “My stomach, my thighs…”

Khloe replies, “Why the hell would you want to impress Mike Seaver? He turns into a creepy born again who plays Christian firefighters on t.v.? He is not the Mike Seaver w/the friend named Boner, who is dead btw, that you remember.”

OMG Khloe!!! Boner is dead?!??!

Khloe grabs Kourtney by the hand and drags Kourtney in front of the mirror. I don’t know if that’s the best idea Khloe.

Khloe asks Kourtney how skinny does she want to get? Kourtney tells her, her goal is the Maxim photoshoot. Khloe replies that’s crazy, you just had a baby.

Khlo-ho tells the camera that she herself has her own issues with her body.

Whenever I accidentally binge on an entire box of Little Debbies I just remind myself that my hair always looks super fab. ‘wink’

Khloe lifts Kourtney up and drags her back into the bedroom. She tells Kourtney that she needs to sleep and that she’s kidnapping her Fry Kid shoes.

Good luck chasing Ronald without these.

THE NEXT DAY AT DASH…

A new mannequin has joined the group. Bikini mannequin, “So you dated Headless ‘Christopher Walken’ Horseman too?” Sundress mannequin – “Uh huh.”

Khloe is listening to another one of Katy’s sex stories. Then Jackie asks Khloe “How big is Lamar?”

Khloe replies, “Well, I haven’t measured it but he’s 6’10 so…”

Let’s just say Chelsea Handler’s Chuey could jump rope with it.

The DASH girls laugh.

I wonder if you could play Chinese jump rope with it.

Khloe tells us that it’s been a lot of work covering for Kourtney but the DASH girls have made it fun so she wants to treat the girls by getting them a table and some bottles (I bet at Club MIA haha).

Khlo-ho tells the girls that she probably won’t stay the whole time because she’s a (her words not mine) “Married whore.”

That’s what all the kids are calling holy matrimony nowadays.

LATER THAT NIGHT AT CLUB LIV….

Wow they didn’t go to Club MIA after all. I guess Khloe doesn’t believe in having to plug Scott’s business or maybe the soft opening of Club MIA didn’t go so well. Anyway, looks like Khloe knows how to make quite the entrance.

Heyyyyy it’s Ryan Seacrest and his beard Julianne Hough. Hey Ryan, nice upgrade from that scarecrow Terri Hatcher. ‘thumbs up’

Khloe catches up with the DASH girls.

Montage of drinking, dancing and DASH girls making out with random guys.

Khloe tells us that Katy is having sex in the bathroom, and Josefina is drinking vodka like a camel in a desert

I told you. Those humps aren’t scoliosis. They’re used for storing my vodka.

Khloe says the DASH girls are getting a little nuts and since she is a married whore that would be her cue to leave.

AT THE GYM…

Kourtney is still working on her fitness.

Montage of Kourtney working out.

THE NEXT DAY?!?!?!

Once again the timeline with these Kardashians is like an episode of Lost. Sideways world, flashforward, flashback…

Khloe is getting into her car. She just received a call from a paramedic that Kourtney passed out while working out. Kourtney is apparently in the back of an ambulance.

Oh shit! The Hamburglar is going to be sooo pissed. She’s going to take away my Fry Kid shoes again.

Khloe arrives to find Kourtney hooked up to a MacGyver I.V.

Take one BIC pen, plastic tubing and some masking tape and ta-da! You got yourself a makeshift I.V.

Kourtney tells Khloe that she was running down the beach like she always does and then just woke up.

The parademic tells Khloe that Kourtney hasn’t eaten anything this morning.

Hamburglar gathers up broken down emaciated Fry Kid and takes her home.

AT THE CONDO…

Kourtney is holding a mirror in front of Mason’s face and asking him “Is that Mason?”

No, it’s the E*TRADE baby….of course it’s ME!!!

Kourt, you’re agitating him and that mirror is totally inappropriate. Everyone knows Playskool mirrors are crap. They’re squiggly and distort your face making you look like you have wrinkles and two chins. I used Mason’s one time and almost ran off the road when I saw my reflection.

Kourtney tells the camera that she is soo embarassed that she punished her body for a photoshoot.

AT DASH…

Bikini mannequin – “Hey, what happened to the new girl?”

Tube dress mannequin – “Apparently Headless ‘Christopher Walken’ Horseman was willing to give Sundress mannequin another chance”

Bikini mannequin – “Oh. How very Bobby and Whitney of them.”

Tube dress mannequin – “Yeah, except I hope he realizes that she won’t be able to give him BJs now.”

Bikini mannequin – “Yeah. Btw how are we talking to each other?”

Tube dress mannequin – “Telepathy.”

Bikini mannequin – “Oh.”

Mannequins – “Hahahahahahahhaa. ”

The DASH girls are recapping the previous night’s events. Jackie is telling the girls how Josefina was drinking so much that she kept falling on her.

Ahhhhh Fry Girl is back!!!

DASH HEAD BITCH is back!!

Jackie of course can’t keep her mouth shut so she tells Kourt Kourt that Khlo-ho took all of the DASH girls out the night before to LIV.

What about Club MIA? ‘scowl’

Kourtney tells the camera that she has a strict policy about mixing business with pleasure and that Khloe knows that.

Flashback to Kourtney chastising Scott for inviting the DASH girls to the soft opening of Club MIA.

Exorcist growl.

Kourtney tells the DASH girls that it was really stupid, someone could have gotten hurt. Then she backhand compliments Khloe by telling the girls “What a great boss you have.”

Ouch.

AT THE CONDO…

Scott is on his Blackberry looking up home facial recipes, and Khloe is attempting to free Mason from Moo Moo mobile where he has been trapped this entire episode.

Khloe, you can ‘free him’ by picking Mason up and removing him from the clutches of Moo Moo Mobile.

Little do they know that Hurricane Kourtney is on her way. Eeek she’s here!

This isn’t mommy. This is “Serial Mom.” Note the Kathleen Turner voice.

Kourtney asks Khloe if there is anything that Khloe wants to tell her.

No, nothing, Kathleen Turner.

Are you sure?? ‘hack hack emphysema cough’

Kourtney doesn’t wait for Khloe to respond. She tells Khloe that she knows she doesn’t mix business with pleasure.

Lightbulb goes on. Ding! TV dinner is done.

Khloe realizes it’s about Club Liv. Khloe tells Kourtney she was only there for like 30 minutes.

The two start fighting.

Khloe tells Kourtney, “I’m covering for you at the store while you work out, I’m watching Mason, I’m even hanging out with sociopath here.”

It’s true. We even made Shake ‘n Bake, and I HELPED!

Khloe tells Kourtney that Kourtney will never be satisfied and if that’s the case why did she ask her to be here?

Kourtney tells Khloe that she wants Khloe to be here but only if she does a good job.

Khloe gets pissed and gets up, telling Kourtney that she’s crazy.

Kourtney tells Khloe “Go ahead and run home to Lamar, you crazy bitch.”

Fade to black. End scene. Damn that must have been a lot of cue cards for them to read.

Uh oh it’s not over. They’re back and Khloe is packing, she is heading out the door and she is getting in the elevator. NOOOOOO!!!!

Khloe don’t leave! You’re the only one that has even an ounce of commonsense on this show. Plus you’re an entertaining occasional sociopath.

Montage of Khloe looking like a Bachelor reject on the car ride of rejection post-rose ceremony.

She totally chose wrong. She’ll never be happy.

BACK AT THE CONDO…

Kourtney is bitching to Scott about Khloe.

I hear ya babe, but if you’ll excuse me I have to return some video tapes.

Sad music plays as Kourtney tells Scott she doesn’t want things to change as the camera cuts to Khloe boarding an airplane.

Then another Lost flash forward (arggghh I think I’m starting to get Desmond/Charlotte nosebleeds) Kourtney is now at her Life & Style Mag photoshoot.

Kourtney tells the camera a lot has changed and it’s not a good feeling.

NEXT WEEK ON K&K OR IS IT JUST K TAKES MIAMI?

Kourtney calls Kim and tells Kim that Khloe left. OMG. So of course Kim pays the extra baggage fee for her ass and gets on the first flight to Miami.

Kim uses this camera time to tell the world that Reggie and her broke up. AHHH!!

Kourtney thinks Kim is there to have fun but there’s no way that’s going to happen when Kim’s Blackberry is in the picture.

Looks like good times. See you guys next week. Laters!