Welcome to Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. How did I end up recapping this show? S-e-n-i-o-r-i-t-y…and karma. Please, don’t feel bad for me.
Interesting fact: I googled “Kardashian” and “cure for cancer” and I only got 22,700 hits. I googled “Kardashian” and “whore” and got 10,800,000 hits. Lovely! If it isn’t annoying families like the ones on The Great American Road Trip, it’s whores! ARGH! FML! Score count for this show: -30…without actually watching the show yet. That part comes after the jump.
So. Not. About. Me.
I decided to wiki both Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian because I’m not really familiar with their work…or lack of work. Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant. Congratulations. Whose the daddy? Her boyfriend Scott Visick. Alright…nothing wrong with that…wait, there’s more? She broke up with her two-timing-no-good-cheating boyfriend in February. She’s currently 5 months pregnant with her first child. Hum…let’s do the math shall we. Brace yourself people, I’m pulling some first grade math here. So August (08) – 5 months pregnant = 3 = March. So she must have conceived the child in March. They broke up in February. Hum…what could that possibly mean? C’mon 1st grade math…save me!……………………………..OH HELL NO!! She di-i-i-i-n’t! She either A) popped the condom with a needle and forgot to take her pill so that he can finally “put a ring on it” or B) she just didn’t take any contraceptives. I googled some more and she had a pregnancy scare on her previous reality show. Ya, we’re looking at a B) here. Whatever the case, it’s not a good look but I wish her well and congrats on the baby! HOWEVER, girls who can’t stay away from their cheating boyfriends annoy me. Minus 20. Score count so far: -50.
What about Khloe? Wiki says Miss Khloe has several DUIs. I HATE people who drive under the influence. Minus 50. Score count: -100! Wow, what a great start Kardashians!
So what’s this show about? Kourtney and Khloe got tired of being “Kim’s sisters”, so they decided to go Miami. The opportunity came when they got dumped by their good-for-nothing-boyfriends. What’s in store for us this season? You’ll see the girls running their mom’s business to the ground and begging for male attention. I have a feeling that that’s what they used to do on the actual show; but, this time, they won’t be overshadowed by their sister’s watermelon-shaped ass.
Score count: -150 for the obvious photoshop
The intro begins with that overrated LMFAO song I’m in Miami Trick. It’s Miami “BITCH”. The intro is painfully stupid. Let’s move on! We begin with a question from miss Khloe. “What do new beginnings mean to you?” she asks from a radio mic. Khloe wants to know your thoughts guys. Share them with her. She wants to be scared with you she says. Hum…there’s things like diaries and therapists. It’s an economic crisis Khloe, everyone’s gotta eat!
The girls are moving in their new place Real World style. They will be staying at the Bentley hotel. This whole thing would be better if you guys were actually struggling like the rest of us. You’re not really taking Miami unless you’re scraping off the rest of the buttery chocolate from the tiny corners of a nutella container. The best thing the producers could do for these girls and for us is to make them homeless for awhile.
The girls tell us that they are opening up their second Dash store. Opening the store is a lot of work so they hired a brunette Paris Hilton lookalike by the name of Lily to do all the work.
She will be the manager of Dash. She’s nervous because she’s going to be managing a new group of girls. One of those girls is Erica. She’s one of Kourtney’s friends. Pfft, employment equity my ass! They also employed an aspiring model by the name of Carrie. Erica tells Kourtney that they’re family after all and that Dash is a family business. This girl has ulterior motives. I’ll keep a close eye on you.
The KK’sX2 are both single and this vacation will let them live the single-life. You could have easily found a man back home and saved Ryan Shorteacrest some money.
I stand corrected
Rich girls can’t go anywhere without a car so the sisters decide to rent the most expensive cars on the market. Taking the bus would help the environment. So would two less Kardashians breathing our air, but, well, that would be murder. Kourtney gets a white diamond Jaguar and Khloe gets a high-end Porsche. Khloe gives Kim a “guess what we rented but didn’t pay for thanks to Daddy Shorteacrest” phone call but Kim isn’t interested. Mademoiselle Kimmy’s priority is the store. Khloe explains that she can only pick up men with a Porsche so she needs to rent that car. Kim asks if the PR people were contacted . Khloe explains to us in the confessionals that Kim is coming to visit them in Miami and I noticed that she rolled her eyes the minute she pronounced her name and the words “personal brand”. Khloe tells us that the opening of Dash in Miami doesn’t involve Kim. In other words, “we don’t want Kim to steal the spotlight on this show too”.
The Kardashians have four days until the grand opening of their store and from the looks of it, they didn’t do shit. Erica, the volatile employee, is already questioning the amount of work they’re going to have to do. Lily who’s supposed to be the Ks go-to-person is complaining about the work as well. Hey ladies, don’t forget to thank your HR person for their excellent job on picking the whiniest employees I have ever seen. What part of the word “work” don’t you get?
The girls plan on throwing a huge party for the opening of the store. The only person not participating in the stocking of the store is Khloe who’s 1) Not driving the Porsche and 2) not working. Khloe calls Kourtney to apologize for not participating in the stocking of THEIR store. This totally validates Kim’s concern. I got the answers to my questions. In regards to 1): she’s not driving because of Michael (???). He got her a driver so that she doesn’t crash. Drugs right? In regards to 2): She’s not working because of her radio show. Radio show???
Khloe got a job at Y100. Between Dash and the radio show, Khloe’d rather sit on a chair and listen to herself talk all day. Kourtney sympathizes with her sister’s overambitious schedule over the phone. I don’t! Khloe is an attention-seeker just like her sister Kim. The pity-Khloe-party is in full motion. Khloe brings up the nausea excuse for more pity. Thanks to you, I’m nauseous too. Get out of here! Khloe says that there’s also times where she feels that she needs to pee and that she almost peed in her pants that morning. Kourtney says that it’s completely natural. I agree! Oh, I also recently learned that I can’t hold my breath for too long because I actually need to inhale and exhale. My lungs need to do that. Humans need oxygen! Hooray we learned something today Khlo Khlo!
I also have a strep throat, a headache, a mild aneurysm and I think I might be pregnant…let’s go party.
Khloe’s first radio show is a few days away and she’s nervous. Terrence from BET 106′s and Park greets her. In case you don’t know him, he’s that guy who giggles like a school girl and loses his shit like a moth does at the sight of a lightbulb when he interviews a celebrity.
They met in LA before she moved to Miami. They had lunch and hungout. We get a montage of Terrence trippin’ over Khloe. He takes a bite of his strawberry and asks the KK if she thinks he’s sexy or cute. She tells him he’s cute.
oh boy…oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! OH BOY, SHE LIKES ME
He nods and keeps eating his strawberry like this whole thing was a fait accompli. Terrence tells us that Khloe wanted a co-host who wasn’t going to be scared of her so she got someone (him!!) who can put her in her place. I see Terrence as a punching bag rather than a disciplinarian, but it will be fun to see his version of “putting her in her place”. If I had his address I would send him a stun gun as a premier gift.
Khloe meets up with the executive producer Michael Yo. OOOOH, that’s Michael. Michael gets down to business. He tells her that he put a lot of money in advertising her show. In other words, like the King of Bitchassness Diddy would say, “don’t fuck up my money”. He mentions that part of the advertising also paid for the paint job on her van. In case you haven’t noticed, Michael got her van with her face and show painted on it. How nice of him! But if she fucks up his money, he promises to slash the van’s tires and sell it to that “Cash for Clunkers” program. He’s that cold y’all!
Michael has one rule for Khloe: no cursing! HA! Funny! It’s like telling a shopaholic to not shop. She’ll need to detox first! Khloe explains that cursing is part of her vocabulary. She uses curse words as verbs, adjectives and nouns. It’s always the object in the sentence. Congratulations! Seriously, good for you Khloe! I mean I wouldn’t admit on national TV that I’m linguistically retarded. Join the club! Good for you though Khloe! You’ve paved the way for the rest of us to roll around proudly in our pens of ignorance.
The three amigos get a tour of the studio. Michael explains that Khloe has got to be ready for radio. People will call and tune in. Terrence is quite sure she’s ready for it.
The glitter on the mic is called professionalism, people.
Michael isn’t playing with Khlo Khlo. He tells her politely that some people may call in to tell her that she’s an annoying bitch and that they wanna talk to Kim instead. Terrence comes to her defense by telling Michael that he’ll find a way to reimburse him if this whole thing doesn’t work. Terrence thinks Khloe will learn as she goes along. It comes with “time” Terrence says. Yes, by that “time”, Michael would have wasted his “time”, investing in Khloe’s pas”time”. Terrence tells us in the confessionals that he thinks Michael is giving Khloe a hard time. DUDE, he’s PRODUCING this show. He DOESN’T need to be kind at all. These things can taint your rÃ©sumÃ©. I’d like to see you say that when you lose your second job. Enjoy Rocsi’s company because that’s the only girl you’ll be seeing for a while. Terrence tells us that he’s going to make sure nothing happens to his baby girl. Hum…Tyranahsaurus sees sparks!!
Terrence gives Khloe a pep talk. He’s done radio for ten years. He definitely believes that Khloe has charisma and charm for radio. He keeps talking about her and blah blah. Ya ya ya! You know she’s single; she’s an easy bait; and, you like her! Khloe feels a connection too. She’s comfortable with him and blah blah! Good job Terrence…she took the bait.
WAIT…not soo FAST! I wanna be single in Miami…trick!
Guess who’s here!!! The crucial component in the Kardashian compound’s success and rise to fame: Kim’s ass! Kim came to help! Aww! How nice. She’s always willing to help when the cameras are rolling. Khloe seems to agree. She doesn’t say hi to her big sister. No, it’s much worse. She’s completely avoiding her. She thinks Kim is trying to outdo her! Baby, you’ve already been outdone!
Hey, at least you didn’t fuck Ray J. They all hop into a limousine and Kim sticks out her camera. She tapes herself saying: “Hello we’re F-I-N-A-L-L-Y business owners in Miaaaaaaaaaaaaaami, this is soooooooooooooo exciiiiiiiiiiting” in her annoying-I’m-fake-I-didn’t-have-a-sex-tape voice. Khloe snaps her out of it and tells her that this is Kourtney and Khloe’s shindig and Kimmy isn’t invited! What? It’s a party. While Khloe gets possessive about the family’s company, Kim is still taping.
OMG guys, Khloe is TOTALLY YELLING AT ME…YAY FOR US!!!
Kim tells them that she’s owner of Dash as well so she’s allowed to celebrate. Khloe tells her that she’s only there for the store opening. In other words, they’re whoring you out Kim…just like everybody else.
Kim is the store’s PR. PR is the most important thing for a store and Kim is there to help them out because she knows how to promote stuff much like she promotes herself. I hope this doesn’t involve getting banged on the internet, cuz that was embarrassing for the family and humanity in general. Khloe is still not having it. She tells Kim that she’s not doing anything so she shouldn’t take any credit. Talk about the pot calling the Armenian kettle lazy. Well at least she was physically on the premises to do nothing and didn’t fly all the way here for a couple days to take the credit for doing nothing. Kim gets increasingly frustrated with Khloe so she calls Khloe dumb and everyone’s mad and blah blah!
At Dash, Khloe is finally doing something in the store. Aww, and all she needed was her sister’s presence and a slight swipe at her intelligence. The Brown Paris Hilton asks the KK’s if they think Kim is going to help out in the store. Khloe belts out a “No! Kim is a bitch and she’s an attention seeker” she says as she fails at her 10th attempt to board fold a shirt. The girls have set up a meeting with Kim, Jonathan and Simon. Jonathan and Simon run the biggest PR firm in the country. Never heard of it but GO ON…
Jonathan and Simon finally show up with Miss Kim K. “Kim storms in and doesn’t say a word to Khloe” Kourtney tells us. “Kim a bitch, whore and diva” Khloe says as she strings the words together with F words in between each characterization of the Queen-bitch Kim. Really? Is that necessary? Her radio show is gonna be one long beep.
Kim begins to provide “constructive” criticism to our fellow single-girl-don’t-give-a-damn KK’s who don’t seem to be taking it too nicely. While she’s providing her “feedback” she does throw in a couple of “this is very cool” every now and then. The PR person starts asking the ladies if they have a VIP room for celebs. Kourt and Khlo answer that even if they whore themselves in movies, or played mentally disabled people in Oscar winning movies, they’re using the same damn changing rooms and clothes as everybody else. Agree!! Mister PR person claims that it’s not a VIP room then. Fair enough PR person! I believe that everyone is special. We are all VIPs…except for you PR person. You are not special! I support KK’s indiscriminating service.
The PR people sit down with the KK’s to come up with a strategy for the opening of Dash. The PR people are pretty upfront: the KK’s have to invite their VIPs. The Kourt and Khlo aren’t having it and that’s because they don’t have any connections or…they have connections but they don’t want to bother them. Khloe is stunned that the PR people aren’t going to help them. No, they won’t; they’re just here to devise a strategy that you could have probably came up with. Kim however doesn’t hold back her tongue. She blatantly tells her sister that her comment was stupid and she’s smarter than that…or not! Khloe draws her claws. It’s on bitch! She starts yelling at Kim and Kim freaks out. Kim tells her younger smart ass sister that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing behind that business face that she puts on.
I mean business bitch!
Kim yells out her job requirements to an unimpressed Khloe. Yes, she’s supposed to attract attention to the business. Kim is good at attracting attention: Ray J sex tape, Dancing with the Stars, Playboy, her fake relationship with Reggie, and “friendship” with Paris Hilton. Yes, PR is a different ball game. “Honey, you don’t get it; the store needs me and you’re too stupid to understand that…” Kim tells her sister. Honey, your just being whored out. You were whored out on your previous reality show and they’re doing it to you right now. You don’t need to take yourself so seriously. You’re a cash cow and they’re selling your milk! You’re really not that important.
Then again, this girl turned her porn career into an industry, so I guess a goal’s a goal.
“Until I get the respect I deserve, I will not be part of this store”. You lost my respect the minute I heard you associated yourself with the likes of Paris Hilton. Respect isn’t what you need. You and Paris need to hold hands and jump. When you hit that water you should be rescued by some non-English speaking fishermen who will leave you on an island so we don’t need to hear from you ever again. This fight is INCREDIBLY STUPID. Khloe storms out of the store and catches a cab.
Back at the hotel, Khloe really feels like Kim is stealing her shine again. I mean this whole show was really supposed to be about her and Kourtney…but mostly her. Why the hell do you think she has a radio show? I mean it is called “Khloe After Dark” (add the emphasis on the Khloe). Kourtney tries to reason with the “diva” by saying that Kim creates exposure for the show store. They need her. Khloe quickly interjects the minute Kourtney pronounces the word “does” with “so are we!” I know what’s going on!!!! Khloe doesn’t really know what PR is!!!! She just assumes that Kim just slapped that title on her right shoulder and on top of the crack of her ass and just sits there and let things happen. C’mon Khlo Khlo, you were on Celebrity Apprentice. PR people have to encourage people to give a damn about your product or at least know what it is so that they can drop it in a conversation if they want to. “I dashed to the bus today” a person would say. Another replies “Speaking of Dash, have you seen that store in Miami?…” There..that’s the effects of PR. You know what works better too? “I saw this ho on the internet and heard she owns a store. That’s gotta be hilarious let’s go check it out!”
Kourtney tells Khloe that she should just do her job and let Kim do hers. Well said!
We get the very same montage of Kourtney fixing the very same item of clothing that she was hanging up at the beginning of the show. Nice one editors! Even an idiot could see that…the idiot being me thank you very much! There’s only 2 days before the store opens and tonight is Khloe’s first radio show. Terrence thought Khloe might want to relax, so he asked Khloe to hangout with….his brother. Relaxing? Oh no missy. Once you meet a family member, you’re wifey-material. Terrence has a couple of test for his wife-to-be. The piggyback is one of them.
This is a custom ritual at the Terrence J compound. You can’t get the man until you carry him on your back.
Khloe piggy backs Terrence all the way to their hotel. Terrence seems to be loving the rented hotel. Ladies and gentleman, we have a moocher! After touring the hotel, he’s the first one to jump on Khloe yet again at the sight of a bed. Take notes men! Jumping on your love interest is an excellent way to pique a girl’s interest. The harder the tackle, the more she interested she will be. If you tackle her on her bed, you might get laid. She might look like a football player, but she’s totally sensitive, ok?
Radio show time!!! Khloe is obviously nervous but she does very well on her very first show.What’s the topic of conversation? Sex of course! Who’s the first guest, a sex-toy expert. What part of radio do you not understand? You can’t bring toys if nobody can see them. The sex expert takes out butt plugs and Terrence looks fake-shock about what they’re supposed to titillate. Ya, they’re butt plugs…use your imagination Terrence. Khloe intelligently asks Terrence if he’s ever been anally stimulated and he intelligently responds that he’s never been anally stimulated and refuses to be anally stimulated. Good, so he’s not gay Khlo Khlo…go for him!
Terrence, who initially denied being anally stimulated, gets all excited like he does when a rapper comes on at 106 and park and just storms off the radio booth like a hyperactive little boy high on squittles. So have you been stimulated or not???
Michael loves it!!! Khloe loves it as well. So, no reimbursement needed…for now.
Khloe who finally looks fabulous for a change, goes out to celebrate her first radio show with Terrence. The two are celebrating…shot after shot. After the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol sets in, Terrence feels confident and VERY comfortable. He asks Khloe what she looks for in a man. She (bahahahahhahahahahahhah sorry, I can’t help it!! This is too funny) tells Terrence she wants a guy with big muscles. You’re not looking at him. Her example of a muscle-made man…Arnold Schwarzenegger. Have you seen him lately? Forget his muscles in Terminator; his muscles are terminated and wrinkly! Terrence does what any man would do to fit the girl he likes’ ideal. He grins and flexes his nonexistent muscles. Khloe has no choice but to touch his arms and force herself to say that she likes it.
Terrence admits that he likes (bahahahahahahahah I’m sorry…I really am!!!) big girls. DUDE, SHE’S RIGHT THERE!!!! Oh my god, you guys lack tact. I believe the politically correct term is curvy or voluptuous…not big. Khloe does correct Terrence. She tells him that big and thick mean two different things. They do? I’m guessing one is pejorative. Please teach me. I don’t want to offend anybody. Honestly, pick the one that’s not mean because that’s what Terrence meant. After their lame-as-shit conversation, they head to the dance floor and this happens
Khloe and Terrence, sitting in the tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes…wait, love didn’t happen
Pleasure and business…not good!
The next day, Khloe is still drunk. She doesn’t remember the end of the night. She tells Kourtney everything and Kourtney shakes her head . Khloe is very concerned about that kiss. Kourtney does bring up the “what if he wants more” crap! Who cares?? There’s plenty of people out there who mix business and pleasure. There was Sonny and Cher; Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz; and Kristin Stewart and that girl Robert Pattison (I’m sorry ladies, but I need a man. Not a girl…and a clean one too! Robert Pattison is pretty..not hot!). Ok, so they might not be the best examples but like..c’mon! It will be a little awkward though. There’s going to be that prolonged morning-after-a-one-night-stand-gone-wrong feeling minus the “not calling back” part.
Uh oh!! There’s a problem in Kard”ass”ian paradise! Kim wants to leave. Princess Kim is pissed off. She doesn’t want to be in Miami anymore. Hum…the editors of this show suck. This clearly happened the very same day of the fight because Miss Kimberly is wearing the exact same thing she was wearing during the fight. Kourtney gives a half-ass plea for Kim’s cushion implant behind to stay; but, Kim insists on getting an apology from Khloe. Kourt reminds Kim that she hasn’t been as supportive of Khlo Khlo’s radio show. Kim sincerely admits she forgot…which reinforces everything that Khloe said. You really are a self-centred bitch! Kourt also adds that Khloe has too much on her plate…which doesn’t really matter because Kim didn’t put that on her plate. See, Khloe and Kim are the very same person and they hate eachother…which means they hate themselves. There! Problem solved! Speaking of the devil, Khloe calls to inform the KK’s that Dash got vandalized. I blame Erica!
The KKK’s (yes I know they’re not racist) head to Dash and they realize that the damage isn’t that bad at all but the paps are on that shit like flies flock to elephant dung. They’re taking pictures of the same thing. Take one and get out of here. AND It’s really a stupid graffiti on the side of the front door written “guck”. It’s not important.
There’s a bunch of paps and also police officers (???). The police came for this??? Just for that??? Miami taxpayers, this is where your money is going. I’d hate to be you guys! Kim offers to paint over that ignorant little graffiti and somehow Khloe forgives her. Pfft! And all it took was a graffiti! Wait a minute…You were the one who had to clean up the graffiti weren’t you?? Nice move lazy! I spotted that move from a mile away.
The moment of truth: How does Terrence feel about their make out session at the club??? Terrence just smiles it off. Good!! She can’t know you have a stalker-crush on her. She can’t know that you cut up every picture you found of her on the internet especially the one she did naked for PETA. Terrence rationalizes the whole thing and they both agree to put the whole thing behind them…well that’s until Khloe thinks the whole affair should be shared with their radio listeners.
I..I…(gulp) I still thick Armenian girls…
Terrence played it well though…sorta! Honestly, who cares! It’s just a stupid kiss and your radio listeners aren’t impressed either.
Opening night at Dash! The girls look fabulous and blah blah! Press blah blah! Interview blah blah! They open the store blah blah! It’s a huge success blah blah!
So what do I think of this show. Score: -50. It’s ok. My wrists are fine and I haven’t tied a rope yet. I actually like Kourtney and Khloe…for now! Is that bad?