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***And please, a round of applause for one of your two Auditiongasm faves, HappyHousewife with the final two epis of Kardashians!!
This week on Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami: Apocalypse Now. The world is ending. A Kardashian is procreating.
Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! I’m back thanks to your votes, here to diminish your I.Q. just a smidge with this week’s Kartrashian goodness!
Our opening montage is brought to us by our own little Ho White (the short one). Speaking over images of herself and her sister Skankderella (the tranny one), she informs us that life as a single girl has been an adjustment.
For those just joining us, earlier this season Ho White ended things with her longtime on/off boyfriend Scott Disick, Prince Smarm-ing to her enchanting Ho White. Since the break, she’s been partying like crazy, making out with random guys, hooking up with chicks…in other words, living up to the Kardashian legacy.
reads the teleprompter ensures us that she is happy with herself and who she is and where she is in life, we find her with Skankderella and a couple of her little mice friends “working” at their boutique, Dash Miami. My husband will be pleased to know that the following scene made my womb shrivel up and die, curing me of any baby fever I may have had left…Skankderella asks one of her worker mice, Erica, if after she had her baby she had the doctor stitch her vagina tighter. I can only assume Khloe is asking this as a reference for her upcoming operation, if you know what I mean. Erica proudly responds that she had the doctor give her 3 extra stitches.
Giving us even more proof that the tranny rumors are true, Mrs. Droopy Vagina starts talking about Kegel exercises, to which Skanky responds that she’s never heard of them? Huh? Bitch, you’re trying to tell me you’ve never read an issue of Cosmo? The only people who don’t know what Kegels are, well, men. And most men even know, I’m sure….what hubby hasn’t considered asking the Mrs. to tone it up a bit? (And hopefully, if he values his balls, it stayed at just consideration, and those words never actually came out of his mouth.) Anyhoo….
To try and cover her lack of vagina knowledge, Skanky mentions that she’s riding the crimson wave. Ew, ew, fucking ew! It’s bad enough that we’ve had to see Kim naked (at least she’s hot), hear about every morsel of Kourtney’s pregnancy, but I just cannot hear about the ugly one being on the rag. Cannot.
Luckily for HW, Skanky’s overshare reminds her that her Aunt Flo is a week late. Baby talk and a late period….oh lord, please don’t let it be true…..
Thank Heavens for the opening credits to give us a chance to burn those images out of our minds. I never thought I’d actually be thankful for a chance to hear the godawful song they chose to associate this show with, but whatever. We return to Dash Miami, where our two *stars* are flipping through clothes on racks and trying to look useful. Skankderella recieves a call from her mom-ager, aka Mother Teresa. Always one to work it for that manager’s cut, she’s booked an appearance for Skanky at a club in Tampa.
I know it’s a club in Tampa and all, but I really can’t believe they pay Khloe for these appearances!
Mother Teresa is filling Skanky in on all the deets, including where she is staying, which is called the Tahitian Inn. Skanky is not pleased, convinced that it sounds ghetto and she will not spend the night there. HW and Skanky put their little brains together and come up with a brilliant plan…they will forgo the airfare to Tampa and drive instead, freeing up more funds for better accommodations. Skanky ends the call by telling her mom she loves her and motorboating (literally) her sister. This family just keeps getting stranger, seriously.
To escape from their hard, stressful, complicated lives filled with back-breaking manual labor and debates over the validity of free will, Skanky and HW decide to get massages.
“Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.”
Skanky actually has the stones (insert rimshot here) to ask the masseurs if they ever give clients happy endings. “Yes, to our female clients only.” Actually, Skanky’s phone rings just in time to save the poor masseurs. It is Mother Teresa, informing the two that the club sponsoring Skanky’s appearance is cool with skipping the airfare in exchange for a two room suite at an upscale hotel.
After kicking Mother Teresa off the phone and calling her Satan, the ever sweet Skanky offers her phone to HW’s crotch, in hopes the vibrations can help her with her desire for a happy ending. A saint, that one.
Now, this is the point in the show where we head from the usual weird Kartrashian vapidness into total scripted bullshit. We all know most reality shows are not 100% reality, that producers intervene anywhere from subtle suggestions to flat-out setups and scripts (*cough* The Hills *cough*). I’m not even sure these girls would be able to read a script, so typically their show is what I would call an inflated version of reality. What I believe happened in this show is that they found out about Kourtney’s pregnancy after all the shows were taped, so they snuck in a totally contrived episode to “capture the moment” of Kourt finding out she’s knocked up with Smarming spawn. Evidence Exhibit #1:
Evidence Exhibit #2:
Complete with placing a hand to her forehead Scarlett O’Hara style, HW gives a Razzie-winning performance of having morning sickness, even throwing in some fake puke. She really hopes it’s just food poisoning, because she still hasn’t gotten her period yet. Uh-huh.
There is a knock at the door, and it is Joe Francis with Down’s Syndrome!
Oh, my bad, no, it’s not, it is their friend Jonathan. Since, like all of intelligent America, I don’t know who in the eff this guy is, a little wiki search informs me that he’s Khloe’s best friend and some kind of PR person. And friends with Lizzie Grubman. Of course he is.
While our princesses are seasoned “reality” vets and can usually pull off a decent performance, homeboy here obviously is not used to having the cameras around. He thinks he’s being all swass, but his acting reminds me of….well, Joe Francis with a touch of Downs. He rushes in to check on Ho White and convinces her the stomach issues must just be a bad combination of diet pills and food. Or semen and quaaludes, but who’s counting? Ho White remembers that she should brush her teeth after fake puking, and Skanky and retarded Joe act appropriately grossed out.
And we’re off! Skanky, HW, and retarded Joe hop into Skanky’s car, some kind of luxury SUV that normal folks like us with jobs and responsibilities can’t afford. Whee! Tampa, here we come! Land of shitty professional sports teams, 40 year old strippers, and retirees. Whoo hoo!
Ho White’s riding shotgun and shoving her face with some food (that ass doesn’t just magically appear, people!), which obviously makes Skankderella jealous, as she was unable to find a travel version of her favorite trough. Now, remember, no one knows that HW is preggo yet, so it obviously isn’t scripted foreshadowing, it is pure coincidence when Skanky says, “for someone who was just throwing up this morning, you’re sure eating a lot!” Retarded Joe borrows a chromosome and makes a snide remark about how if HW asks him for a pickle, there’s going to be a problem. Hilarious, dear. Go back to licking the window now.
After all of four minutes on the road, they stop at a “corner store” for more food and Mini Thins. RJ is on it today, making another crack as they pull in about how he better not find Skanky giving blowjobs to truckers. She just can’t help herself, truck stop glory holes hide her adam’s apple, ya know?
Inside the convienence store, the white trash in them takes over and the head for the souvenir section, determined to try on and make fun of everything in sight. HW is nervously shuffling around, wanting to buy a pregnancy test but knowing she would never be able to undetected by Queen Skanky and her special little sidekick. Instead, she decides to subdue her feelings by feeding her piehole some more, and she and Skanky buy half of the store.
Back in the whoremobile, bellies are full and it is time to roll. Magically, with probably 3 cameramen, a producer, a public health doctor experienced in STD’s, and a van full of E! equipment following them, the three manage to get lost. Apparently Skanky’s navigation led them the wrong way. No, actually, sweetie, it was just trying to get away from you. They don’t recognize anything around them, and instead of turning around and heading back to the main road, they keep driving further into swampland.
Still driving in the wrong direction, HW makes the astute observation of alligators in the swamps next to the freeway (thanks, Captain Obvious!) and of course, screams and acts like an idiot. These girls have three reactions to anything that occurs to them in life: scream and act like an idiot, drink large quantities of alcohol, or have sex. Bonus if you can do one or more at the same time.
Three hours into the drive (not sure how long they’ve been going in the wrong direction, probably only like, five minutes thanks to the magic of editing), Skanky makes a shocking discovery-they’re almost out of gas. Dun dun dun.
Our roadtripping geniuses begin discussing how screwed they are. Skanky estimates that they have 30 miles worth of gas left. HW has no cell service, can you believe the luck? Mind you, as they are setting up the scene here, there are other cars passing them on the freeway. Why would you stop and ask a passing motorist for a ride back to the gas station, or directions, when getting stranded is obviously going to turn out to be so much more fun? Ho White, who has not yet learned that she is better off just never talking, pipes up that the gas light coming on means they have 10 minutes left to drive. Even Skanky calls her a dumb bitch for saying that.
They then find themselves on a dirt road, Skanky blaming it on the navigation and retarded Joe recording them with his cell phone camcorder Blair Witch style. I keep waiting for the laugh track to start, this is so orchestrated it is reaching sitcom levels. Another hour in, and the car is starting to die. Now that the car is out of gas, RJ
starts losing his shit and screaming helpfully suggests that they find a main road, then all three begin yelling at each other. Life skill #1 in use-screaming and acting like an idiot. Check. Skanky ends the scene by lamenting how she’s never going to be able to make her appearance.
Back out on
Hollywood Boulevard looking for tricks the random dirt road, Skanky reminds of their predicament: it is three hours until her appearance, she has no cell phone reception, they have no way of getting help and no idea where they are. Do they really think we’re stupid enough to buy this? That the production crew is of no help and they are truly stranded? Bitch, please.
It begins raining, which brings out their ninja instincts. HW’s first survival tactic is to start yelling at Skanky again about being a dumb bitch and forgetting to get gas at the gas station. Sorry, hun, no matter how many times you yell at her, she’s still a Kardashian. Save the oxygen for the devil spawn you’re carrying, mmkay? The yelling stops when Skanky hears what she thinks are pig noises, her brethren calling to her from somewhere in the swampy midst. Instead of following them back to the pig kingdom and taking her rightful place on the throne, she complains some more about how screwed they are…she’s not as much worried about missing her appearance and burning professional bridges as she is that HW ate all the chips. No wonder these bitches are so fat.
A loud motor begins droning in the background, and while I fully expect it to be a soft serve ice cream machine they keep in the trunk just in case, it turns out to be an airboat with two lovely Evergladian natives aboard. At first Skanky is concerned that they should not flag them down because they could be killers, but then remembers that she is supposed to be pretending she is stranded and motions them over.
Skanky makes the wise choice, in terms of getting herself killed, and decides they should go with the swamp folk back to their camp instead of waiting at her car for some gas to be brought back. All three pile onto the airboat, which convienently has extra rain ponchos and noiseblocking headphones enough for them all, and they take off to the swamp camp. They arrive at swamp camp, a shack out in the middle of the Everglades, no land phoneline. The swamp folk are nice enough, offering them to make themselves at home because it is too late and unsafe due to thunder, lightning, and alligators, to go back to the car tonight. Skanky realizes she is more scared of the gators than staying in the Deliverance shack, so they decide to stay. HW is not worried about getting eaten by hillbillies, she is still only wanting to know if she needs to call Planned Parenthood or not.
The three stupidos cozy up with the swamp folk in front of a bonfire, roasting marshmallows and trying to make the best out of the night. Skanky voiceovers that this may be karma for her acting spoiled and wanting a better hotel, if she would have just stayed at the Bates Motel and flown instead she could be getting stabbed in a warm shower instead of eaten by some swampy hillbillies. Our campfire draws to a close when Skanky almost steps on a gigantic turtle and they scream and act like idiots all the way back into the hut.
The next morning, creepy Captain Gary, head of the swamp folk, wake up the screaming idiots to take them back to the Whoremobile. The girls retreat into the bathroom to get freshened up, where HW is overtaken by another bout of
morning sickness the food poisoning that lasts for weeks and only makes you puke in the morning. Skanky is actually sweet to her hobbit like sister here, and holds her hair up while she pukes. The recurrence of the “food poisoning” makes HW realize that she is indeed most likely pregnant, and according to her, the father can only be the one and only Prince Smarming himself, her ex Scott. Apparently, she’s been boning PS on the side and no one knows about it, especially Skanky, who would eat him for breakfast if she found out.
A quick airboat ride away, and the threesome are back at the car, where Captain Gary is able to add some gas and get it fired up and ready to go.
On the road back to Miami, their cell service reappears. HW does the only thing she can do and texts Prince Smarming to let him know he might be a dad. Not a phone call for this chick, she is way too classy for that! Once they reach Miami, the girls are relieved to be home so they can shower and snack on their stash of virgin pig blood, but Khloe is worried about what Mother Teresa is going to say about her missing the appearance and costing MT her cut, and Kourtney is worried about what she is going to say to PS, who is on the first flight in from New York, which is where he
does lots of coke and fucks lots of socialites lives.
Skanky’s Sidetrick rings, and predictably, it is Mother Teresa, pissed off that the appearance did not happen as planned. Skanky and HW try to explain what happened, but all MT can see is dollar signs disappearing and hangs up on them. Mother of the year, seriously, we should get her and Dina Lohan together. Hell, they’d probably do a porn together if the price was right. In an attempt to break the tension, Kourtney and Khloe engage in what I believe is supposed to be a sweet sisterly moment but is just weird and Skanky tapes HW’s nose up like a pig.
Now, everybody can breathe a sigh of relieve, Prince Smarming is here to save the day! He arrives at the penthouse fresh from his flight in from NY. HW takes about 47 pregnancy tests, all which show a positive result. PS is trying his best to come off as sincere and concerned, but he is just so slimy and disgusting and reminds me of this guy that I hated in high school and just saw at my 10 year reunion a couple of weeks ago and I still want to KICK HIS SCRAWNY SANCTIMONIOUS FRAT BOY ASS……whoa, sorry. Must have forgotten to take my pills today. HW is not sure she is ready to be a mother, PS is gross, they snuggle on the toilet, the end.
Well, that’s it, my Gasmic darlings? Do you think Kourtney will do society and our future children a favor and not bring anymore Kartrashians into the world, or are we doomed? Season finale next week!!!!