Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami: Apocalypse Now

Inside the convienence store, the white trash in them takes over and the head for the souvenir section, determined to try on and make fun of everything in sight. HW is nervously shuffling around, wanting to buy a pregnancy test but knowing she would never be able to undetected by Queen Skanky and her special little sidekick. Instead, she decides to subdue her feelings by feeding her piehole some more, and she and Skanky buy half of the store.

Back in the whoremobile, bellies are full and it is time to roll. Magically, with probably 3 cameramen, a producer, a public health doctor experienced in STD’s, and a van full of E! equipment following them, the three manage to get lost. Apparently Skanky’s navigation led them the wrong way. No, actually, sweetie, it was just trying to get away from you. They don’t recognize anything around them, and instead of turning around and heading back to the main road, they keep driving further into swampland.

Still driving in the wrong direction, HW makes the astute observation of alligators in the swamps next to the freeway (thanks, Captain Obvious!) and of course, screams and acts like an idiot. These girls have three reactions to anything that occurs to them in life: scream and act like an idiot, drink large quantities of alcohol, or have sex. Bonus if you can do one or more at the same time.

Three hours into the drive (not sure how long they’ve been going in the wrong direction, probably only like, five minutes thanks to the magic of editing), Skanky makes a shocking discovery-they’re almost out of gas. Dun dun dun.

Our roadtripping geniuses begin discussing how screwed they are. Skanky estimates that they have 30 miles worth of gas left. HW has no cell service, can you believe the luck? Mind you, as they are setting up the scene here, there are other cars passing them on the freeway. Why would you stop and ask a passing motorist for a ride back to the gas station, or directions, when getting stranded is obviously going to turn out to be so much more fun? Ho White, who has not yet learned that she is better off just never talking, pipes up that the gas light coming on means they have 10 minutes left to drive. Even Skanky calls her a dumb bitch for saying that.

They then find themselves on a dirt road, Skanky blaming it on the navigation and retarded Joe recording them with his cell phone camcorder Blair Witch style. I keep waiting for the laugh track to start, this is so orchestrated it is reaching sitcom levels. Another hour in, and the car is starting to die. Now that the car is out of gas, RJ starts losing his shit and screaming helpfully suggests that they find a main road, then all three begin yelling at each other. Life skill #1 in use-screaming and acting like an idiot. Check. Skanky ends the scene by lamenting how she’s never going to be able to make her appearance.

Back out on Hollywood Boulevard looking for tricks the random dirt road, Skanky reminds of their predicament: it is three hours until her appearance, she has no cell phone reception, they have no way of getting help and no idea where they are. Do they really think we’re stupid enough to buy this? That the production crew is of no help and they are truly stranded? Bitch, please.

It begins raining, which brings out their ninja instincts. HW’s first survival tactic is to start yelling at Skanky again about being a dumb bitch and forgetting to get gas at the gas station. Sorry, hun, no matter how many times you yell at her, she’s still a Kardashian. Save the oxygen for the devil spawn you’re carrying, mmkay? The yelling stops when Skanky hears what she thinks are pig noises, her brethren calling to her from somewhere in the swampy midst. Instead of following them back to the pig kingdom and taking her rightful place on the throne, she complains some more about how screwed they are…she’s not as much worried about missing her appearance and burning professional bridges as she is that HW ate all the chips. No wonder these bitches are so fat.

A loud motor begins droning in the background, and while I fully expect it to be a soft serve ice cream machine they keep in the trunk just in case, it turns out to be an airboat with two lovely Evergladian natives aboard. At first Skanky is concerned that they should not flag them down because they could be killers, but then remembers that she is supposed to be pretending she is stranded and motions them over.

Skanky makes the wise choice, in terms of getting herself killed, and decides they should go with the swamp folk back to their camp instead of waiting at her car for some gas to be brought back. All three pile onto the airboat, which convienently has extra rain ponchos and noiseblocking headphones enough for them all, and they take off to the swamp camp. They arrive at swamp camp, a shack out in the middle of the Everglades, no land phoneline. The swamp folk are nice enough, offering them to make themselves at home because it is too late and unsafe due to thunder, lightning, and alligators, to go back to the car tonight. Skanky realizes she is more scared of the gators than staying in the Deliverance shack, so they decide to stay. HW is not worried about getting eaten by hillbillies, she is still only wanting to know if she needs to call Planned Parenthood or not.

The three stupidos cozy up with the swamp folk in front of a bonfire, roasting marshmallows and trying to make the best out of the night. Skanky voiceovers that this may be karma for her acting spoiled and wanting a better hotel, if she would have just stayed at the Bates Motel and flown instead she could be getting stabbed in a warm shower instead of eaten by some swampy hillbillies. Our campfire draws to a close when Skanky almost steps on a gigantic turtle and they scream and act like idiots all the way back into the hut.

The next morning, creepy Captain Gary, head of the swamp folk, wake up the screaming idiots to take them back to the Whoremobile. The girls retreat into the bathroom to get freshened up, where HW is overtaken by another bout of morning sickness the food poisoning that lasts for weeks and only makes you puke in the morning. Skanky is actually sweet to her hobbit like sister here, and holds her hair up while she pukes. The recurrence of the “food poisoning” makes HW realize that she is indeed most likely pregnant, and according to her, the father can only be the one and only Prince Smarming himself, her ex Scott. Apparently, she’s been boning PS on the side and no one knows about it, especially Skanky, who would eat him for breakfast if she found out.

A quick airboat ride away, and the threesome are back at the car, where Captain Gary is able to add some gas and get it fired up and ready to go.

On the road back to Miami, their cell service reappears. HW does the only thing she can do and texts Prince Smarming to let him know he might be a dad. Not a phone call for this chick, she is way too classy for that! Once they reach Miami, the girls are relieved to be home so they can shower and snack on their stash of virgin pig blood, but Khloe is worried about what Mother Teresa is going to say about her missing the appearance and costing MT her cut, and Kourtney is worried about what she is going to say to PS, who is on the first flight in from New York, which is where he does lots of coke and fucks lots of socialites lives.

Skanky’s Sidetrick rings, and predictably, it is Mother Teresa, pissed off that the appearance did not happen as planned. Skanky and HW try to explain what happened, but all MT can see is dollar signs disappearing and hangs up on them. Mother of the year, seriously, we should get her and Dina Lohan together. Hell, they’d probably do a porn together if the price was right. In an attempt to break the tension, Kourtney and Khloe engage in what I believe is supposed to be a sweet sisterly moment but is just weird and Skanky tapes HW’s nose up like a pig.

Now, everybody can breathe a sigh of relieve, Prince Smarming is here to save the day! He arrives at the penthouse fresh from his flight in from NY. HW takes about 47 pregnancy tests, all which show a positive result. PS is trying his best to come off as sincere and concerned, but he is just so slimy and disgusting and reminds me of this guy that I hated in high school and just saw at my 10 year reunion a couple of weeks ago and I still want to KICK HIS SCRAWNY SANCTIMONIOUS FRAT BOY ASS……whoa, sorry. Must have forgotten to take my pills today. HW is not sure she is ready to be a mother, PS is gross, they snuggle on the toilet, the end.

Well, that’s it, my Gasmic darlings? Do you think Kourtney will do society and our future children a favor and not bring anymore Kartrashians into the world, or are we doomed? Season finale next week!!!!