Good evening ladies and gentlemen! This week on Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami: Ho White confirms she is indeed knocked up, albeit with what may turn out to be the most famesucking Kartrashian of them all. The thing is still in fetal stage and already is grabbing tabloid headlines.
I can only assume this is what the first ultrasound pic looked like.
This episode also brings to us the end of this glorious first season of K&K Do Miami. Our heroes, the aforementioned Ho White and her sidekick Skanderella, have banged all the humans (and possibly livestock, although that’s off the record) they could bang, drank all the free bottles clubs could provide, and hawked all the diet products they could make money off, so it is back to La La Land for them.
We open tonight’s infestation by joining Skankderella at her last taping of her radio show, Khloe After Dark. Joining her are her sidekick, Terrence J, and her boss, Michael, who you might know as some dude on E! I didn’t, but maybe you do.
I’m not a geisha drag queen, I just play one on TV.
They are bidding our Skanky farewell, telling her how amazing it was working with her, describing her as a breath of fresh air. They must believe that flattery will keep her from devouring them whole after they go off air. She signs off with a “Bye, Bitches….” Oh Skanky, how I love it when you talk dirty to me. It totally helps me puke up those 17 cookies I wish I hadn’t eaten in a hormomal rage.
Khloe feels most at home with a bedazzled phallic object in front of her face.
To Skanky, the end of her radio show is just the beginning for her newfound media career. Fortunately for us, she realizes she is not an actress or a model, but does enjoy hosting and listening to herself talk and could see herself with her own talk show some day. Well, if Tyra can do it, I suppose anyone can.
Believe it or not, there is a demand for batshit crazy talk show hosts with ambiguous genitalia.
The guys must have escaped being Skanky’s dinner, because when we reconvene in DASH Miami after the repulsive opening credits, the floor is not covered in bloody carcasses. Instead, my girls Skanks and Ho White are discussing business with their pretend employees. The store manager, who looks like she failed out of Central Tampa Community College after getting caught sucking off the Pre-Algebra prof for a passing grade, informs them that Dash Miami is doing better than the Calabasas store, and everything is running smoothly. More than I can say for Skanks’ tuck job, but that’s neither here nor there. Skanky and HW never planned on being permanent STD statistics in Miami, once the store was up and running, they want to go back to California, and it looks like now is the time.
It’s either working for these skanks, or back to happy hour at Jiggles for me!
Strip-ager assures HW and Skanks she can handle the store for them, no prob. She is responsible and ready to
skim the till lead the team in their absence. They all come up with an idea to throw a going away party at the Ugly Stepsisters’ penthouse before K & K head back to LA. 40′s of Mickey’s all around!
Speaking of the penthouse, we find Ho White there discussing her delicate state with her baby daddy, Prince Smarming.
The “si” in his last name is silent.
HW is on the phone in the bathroom, telling PS that she hasn’t made up her mind about the pregnancy when Skanky storms in, telling HW that she’s ordering food and asking what she wants. Like HW can even grab a crumb without Skanky taking her arm off. Right. HW tries to blow Skanks off, but our Skanky is too clever for that shit and wants to know who she’s on the phone with. HW’s been keeping Skanks in the dark about her booty calls with the Prince, so she is none too pleased when she finds out who Ho White’s been talking to. Skanky reads HW the riot act, telling her she is not going to let her ruin her life by getting back with Princey for the 847th time. Oh, if only she knew…..
Don’t worry sis, I’m not back together with him, I’m just letting him hit it bareback. Semantics.
The next morning, Kourtney, Khloe, and two of their friends meet Prince Smarming on a yacht to celebrate his birthday, which I can imagine was only set up as a chance for them to show off their fat asses in some plus size bikinis. Girls, a word of advice: just because they make a swimsuit in your size, doesn’t mean you should wear it. Love, Humanity. Skanky is upset because
there isn’t a pig roast onboard she thinks things are uber awkward onboard, being as she sticks pins in a Scott doll every night. Prince Smarming is too wrapped up in himself to care, and snuggles with HW on one side of the boat while Skanky tortures her friends with her bikini bod on the other end.
Kourtney stays cool on hot summer days by enjoying a refreshing Douchesicle.
The Prince asks Ho White if she has told her family about her impending doom. She says she doesn’t want to tell them until she’s made a decision about keeping the baby or not. Now we’re talking. PS is shocked that HW is unsure, and encourages her to talk to someone about what is going on and what she wants to do, because god knows he doesn’t want to hear her squawking about it. HW decides the best course of action, the most mature thing to do to avoid conflict is to have the Prince tell Skanky. Because it’s best to hear bad news from your mortal enemy, rather than your sister. Gotta love the Kartrashian logic.
Regrettably, a hurricane does not blow in and kill them all, and they end up safely back at the penthouse that evening. Ho White and her Prince set up a meeting with Skanky. Skanky is sure that they have called her in to tell her they are getting back together, and she is ready to confront the Smarmy one and tell him exactly what she thinks of him. Poor Skanky, it’s worse, much worse than that.
Skanky, you might want to have another drink and sit down for this one.
They drop the bomb like it’s mothereffing Hiroshima, and Skanky loses her shit. She’s convinced PS knocked HW up to keep her in a relationship, and lock down his paycheck, and for once, I agree with her ugly ass. She continues the tirade, questioning the Prince on his ability to be responsible and raise a child. This coming from the bitch who got a DUI, had her lawyers squash it, and still almost ended up in jail because she was too lazy to put down the Cheetos and take a couple of alcohol classes. Love it. Skanks deems the whole situation disgusting and storms out. HW tells Princey she loves him, but Skanks is her sister so she needs to go clear the air, and he agrees. Out in the hallway, Skanky beer bongs a bottle of Grey Goose, and decides she can and will support her sister and her pregnancy, but not the relationship with the mooch.
“If I pretend like I’m happy for you, can I babysit? I’ve got a great recipe for Baby Back Ribs.”
The wonder twins wake up the next morning to the hurricane I was praying for yesterday, and observe most of Miami under what looks to be at least a foot of flooding. They’re not worried about their fellow humans though, because they are in the penthouse, bitches! Float away, for all we care! HW tells Skanky about a dream she had the night before, that she had a tiny baby she could fit in her pocket but she kept forgetting about it, and sitting on the poor thing. Wrong sister, it’s Kim who could lose a baby in her ass. Skanky pontificates that this dream is HW’s anxieties about being pregnant coming through, and decides that she will do anything and everything to help her older little sis out, starting by accepting her romance with the Prince. They also agree that keeping the pregnancy a secret is not helping, so they are going to call the other Kardashian sister, Pocahotass, and fill her in on the upcoming apocalypse. I’m actually surprised it took this long, I thought HW would be on the phone rubbing it in after the first pee stick turned pink.
Ha, ha, bitch, you might have gotten the looks, fame, and our mother’s love, but I have a never emptying money bag IN MY UTERUS!!!!
Showing off their sensitivity training, they determine that the best way to inform Pocahotass that she is going to be an auntie is to call her up on the Sidekick (T-Mobile sucks!), put her on speaker, and tell her that Kourtney is preggos. (That’s verbatim, darlings.) I guess Pocahotass is the only Kartrashian dumb enough to actually like the Prince, so the ugly stepsisters were not prepared for her unhappy reaction. Pocahotass starts asking about trivial things such as if HW wants to marry the Prince, if they want to have a family together, and rather than letting Poca crash the party, they quickly end the call. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again…if you need a lecture on morals from Kim Kardashian, well, I hate to say it, but you are beyond help, sister.
Prince Smarming then escorts his lovely Ho White to the doctor’s office to confirm the conception of the antichrist. It appears to be a normal looking doctor’s office in Miami, far from the back alley abortion clinic I was expecting. HW fills out some paperwork then they are ushered in to meet the doctor. They chat about HW’s pregnancy symptoms, and her options if she chooses not to have the baby. The doctor then reclines HW back and begins
the exorcism an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy. I kinda feel bad for HW here, as she has to endure a transvaginal ultrasound…all I have to say is it involves this.
Just another day at the park for a Kardashian, but a little traumatizing for the rest of us.
While I’m expecting to see Lucifer on the screen, the ultrasound shows a baby. A human baby, even. With a heartbeat, not just dollar signs running through it’s veins. The average viewer probably wouldn’t notice, but there is no way girlfriend was only a week late when she figured out this pregnancy mess. That fetus is at least 16 weeks along. Take it from someone who would know.
Look, Ma, no horns!!!
The Prince and Ho White are appropriately charmed with their fetal offspring, and HW even gets a little verklempt when she realizes that she is going to be a mom. Me too, Kourtney, me too.
After the doctor’s appointment, HW meets back up with Skanky at the penthouse. She fills her in on her decision to keep the baby. Skanky is actually kinda cute, and acts as excited and happy as an aunt to be should. Whether she’s excited about having a new baby in the family or just a new baby to eat remains to be determined, but she is happy nonetheless.
That evening, the stepsisters gather all of their Miami friends for the previously considered going away party. They toast to their time in Miami coming to an end, and all the great friends and coworkers they
paid to be on the show made while there. Skanky then steals the Prince outside, I was pretty sure this is where he was going to lose his heart to the Khloe Monster’s endless appetite, but alas, she just wants to make peace with him. She gives their unholy union her blessing, and promises she will perform the necessary exorcism in the delivery room. How sweet.
We bid a bittersweet farewell to our pretty princesses at an airport, with them boarding a private plane back to California. (Too late to hope for a crash? Probably so, Seacrest is dying for a second season to pad his bank account even more.) And with that, we end our first season.
This shit is finally over? I’ll toast to that, bitches!
So, what do you think, my Gasmic darlings? Is the promise of the birth of the antichrist and impending doom enough to bring back our favorite anti-Disney princesses for another season! If so, I’ll be back to snark it out for you!
Love and Bubbles, HappyHousewife