KUWTK: Dash No More

PREVIOUSLY ON KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS…

Goth Ronald (Kris) got “hit on” by a much younger man, Krimace (Kim) lost a game of poker and had to be Fry Girl’s (Kourtney) bitch.

We are now entering the final episodes of season 5. Presenting part one of the two-part season finale.

ON A ROOFTOP IN CALI…

Krimace goes to visit LaLa Vesquez and Brittny Gastineau. It’s Lala’s birthday. I’m guessing Krimace gave Lala the gift that keeps on giving….stripes.

Krimace tells us Lala and Brittny are her best friends, and the girls that she goes to whenever she needs advice on anything. Camera cuts to Lala and Brittny.

Lala – “I’m going to be real with you. Those pics of you and Beiber in Elle Magazine were creepy.” Brittny (mouth filled with her daily Ritz cracker) “Mmm hmmm.”

Brittny asks Krimace if she’s spoken to Reggie. Krimace admits that she has, and she isn’t sure what’s going on with the two of them. She says people keep asking her “Is it really over?” Lala says “I’m one of those people so tell me, Krimace, is it really over?”

Brittny and Lala make Krimace swear on a shiny wrapped present that it is 100 percent over.

Krimace – “I solemnly swear on this shiny present that Reggie and I are over.” Lala – “You realize if you break your promise that it is my duty to inflict a massive papercut on you with the wrapping paper as punishment?” Krimace – “I understand.” Brittny – “Alright! Who wants champagne?”

With that settled Brittny tells Krimace that she had someone reach out to her. The guy wants her to set him up with Krimace; however, the guy plays football. Krimace rolls her eyes. Brittny says “Why don’t you check the situation out first and then decide if you’re interested.” Krimace decides to google the guy, Miles Austin.

In slo-mo, the camera zooms in on Miles Austin’s picture.

Miles Austin – “Yo, I’m down for anything. I’m stripe-sexual.”

Another pic flashes across the screen.

Miles Austin – “I can out run Goth Ronald. Watch!”

And another.

Krimace – “I’m sporting a single stripe of black on my face…just for you!”

Krimace thinks Miles is cute, and Brittny adds that supposedly he is a good guy.

Krimace is amazed by his body. She tells Lala and Brittny she loves the feel of a strong body pulling you up into football position. Krimace adds, “Every girl that has ever dated a football player knows the guys all have sex the same way.”

Lala – “TMI, Krimace.” Brittny – “Jesus Christ.”

Cue opening credits.

AT THE JENNER HOUSE…

The phone is ringing. Goth Ronald truffle shuffles over to it.

Goth Ronald – “I’m coming!” Bruce – “That’s what she said.” Goth Ronald – “Shut up, Bruce! Hello?”

It’s Scott. He wants to talk to Bruce. This is Bruce’s reaction.

Bruce – “But I don’t wanna!”

Bruce gets Goth Ronald to lie and tell Scott that Bruce just left to go play golf. Scott asks the Goth to have Bruce give him a call back later.

Goth Ronald asks Bruce “What’s the problem?” Bruce replies “He wants to hang with me, and I can’t get over all of the things he’s done in the past.”

Looks like it’s time for some motherfucking Scott flashbacks.

Up first, mirror ‘sock it to me’ punch.

Scott – “I am the fairest one of all! Don’t you ever fucking forget that!”

Next fighting in Vegas.

Scott – “Watch the hair!”

And another Vegas flashback, shoving money in a waiter’s mouth.

Scott – “You’re lucky I’m giving you this Abe Lincoln and not the other.”

Bruce is like Scott might be changing his life around but that doesn’t mean he wants to hang out with him. The Goth doesn’t blame Bruce, but she is tired of doing Bruce’s dirty work. She tells him to handle the Scott ‘wants to be super best friends’ situation.

AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Khlo-ho and Goth Ronald get out of the car. Khlo-ho laments that the driveway was not designed for high heels.

Goth Ronald – “I know. Most people don’t design their driveways around high heels.” Khlo-ho – “Was that supposed to be sarcastic?” Goth Ronald – “You should know, Ms. Smart Ass.”

Goth Ronald tells us Fry Girl recently went to NYC and has some news from them.

Goth Ronald – “Make this quick. I’ve got my Converse on which means I’ve got places to be, people to see and skull scarves to buy.”

Fry Girl tells them she looked at properties with a realtor and is planning on expanding DASH with a New York City store.

Flashback of Fry Girl and Mason looking at properties.

Fry Girl – “Hmmm good location.” Mason – “How close are we to the nearest Starbucks? Is that Sarah Jessica Parker? Shouldn’t she be pulling a carriage in Central Park?”

Fry Girl explains she has spoken to their business managers ,and they think it’s a great idea. She asks the trio if they are down for a DASH New York. Khlo-ho says it’s a dream come true. Krimace adds she’s definitely in.

LATER THAT EVENING…

Fry Girl is in Krimace’s bathroom. Scott asks Fry Girl “What are you doing?” Fry Girl says she doesn’t know. She can’t get the cosmetic drawer back in.

Scott – “Krimace is going to be pissed if you break it, and you won’t know she’s mad because of her botox until it’s too late.”

Scott assists Fry Girl.

Scott – “Amateur. Let a professional do it.”

Scott – “See, these are the valuable skills I will be passing down to our son.”

Scott easily slides the drawer back into place and mutters “Idiots.” Fry Girl laughs “Idiots?” She grabs a make-up brush and tries to apply make-up to Scott’s face.

Scott – “You know I only get my stuff done professionally. Get that third-rate Sonia Kashuk make-up brush outta my face.”

Fry Girl laughs “I’m a professional.” Scott replies “You want your son’s father to wear make-up and lipgloss? You’re weird.”

He then asks if Fry Girl has heard from Bruce at all. She says no and asks why. Scott wants to hang out with Bruce. He thinks they have a lot of similar interests and should bond.

Scott ticks off all the things that Bruce has done with Lamar and Reggie, and he just wants to bond with Bruce too. Fry Girl laughs and says “Sounds like Bruce is playing hard to get.”

Scott explains he’s on the path to positive change and hanging out with Bruce is one more positive thing to add to the list. Fry Girl tells Scott she is all for it then. They exchange ‘I love yous’ and when Scott goes in for the kiss Fry Girl sneak attacks lipgloss on him.

Fry Girl – “Got’cha!” Scott – “WTF!?!?”

Scott – “If you’re going to play with me then I’m going to play with you. Here’s a big Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers kiss!”

AT SMASHBOX STUDIOS…

The girls are getting prepped for an Entertainment Magazine photoshoot. Khlo-ho starts singing/wailing off-key. Mason looks up at her.

Mason – “Yoko Ono?”

Khlo-ho – “That’s right! You got it.” Mason – “Now sing “War is over.”"

Khlo-ho (warbles) – “WAR IS OVER!!!” Mason – “Bwahahahaa. It sounds just like her.”

Fry Girl laughs too. At first, she thought Mason was going to cry from Khlo-ho’s earsplitting shrieks.

In the other room, Goth Ronald arrives. She tells Krimace that she looks great.

Krimace – “Thanks. We’re doing the Orville Redenbacher portion of the shoot right now. In the other frame my ass, cloaked in silver spandex, will be an old-school Jiffy Pop.”

Goth Ronald leaves Krimace and almost runs into Khlo-ho around the corner. The Goth tells Khlo-ho “Well, this is a new look.”

Khlo-ho – “I look like Jane Hathaway meets Brave Heart.”

Khlo-ho explains that they forgot what size she is and a kilt was all they had in her size. Khlo-ho tells the Goth it’s ridiculous. Now she looks bigger than she actually is. The Goth replies,

Goth Ronald – “Well, at least they didn’t make your outfit out of the drapes.” Khlo-ho – “Shut your trap, Maria.”

Montage of Khlo-ho posing.

In the other room, Goth Ronald is holding Mason. She tells Fry Girl,

Goth Ronald – “I think Mason is starting to dress more like Bruce and less like Scott.”

Mason – “Blasphemy!!!”

Fry Girl tells Goth Ronald that’s not true. This is just one casual outfit and Scott is the one that dresses Mason.

Goth Ronald asks how is Scott doing. Fry Girl replies good. The Goth inquires how is therapy. Fry Girl says it appears to be working.

Mason – “Goth, I think therapy should be your next business venture. Hypnosis/brainwashing already involves swirly patterns of black-and-white stripes.” Goth Ronald – “Shit. You’re right!”

Goth Ronald is pleased that Scott and Fry Girl are still working on their relationship in therapy.

Camera cuts back to Fry Girl handing Mason diaper wipes.

Fry Girl – “They were out of your usual ones so I got you these.” Mason – “My ass doesn’t take kindly to generic brand wipes.”

Fry Girl changes the subject and brings up that she heard Bruce went golfing with Lamar and Rob.

Goth Ronald – “Where did you hear that?” Mason – “I tweeted it.”

Fry Girl says Scott was like “Bruce never takes me golfing.”

Goth Ronald – “Well…” Mason – “Good luck trying to get out of this one.”

Goth Ronald replies “Well, Bruce will take him golfing.” Fry Girl goes “But Scott has been calling him the past two days” as Mason chucks his diaper wipes across the couch.

Mason – “Go chafe somebody else’s ass, ass wipes!”

Goth Ronald tells us for Fry Girl’s sake she’s going to convince Bruce to hang out with Scott. The Goth mentions to Fry Girl that Bruce loves to go dirt bike riding, maybe Scott could join him. She adds “Bruce could be a role model for Scott especially since he’s dressing Mason like Bruce Jenner.”

Mason – “Like Bruce Jenner? Bitch please, Bruce never wears threads as cool as these.”

AT STANLEY’S RESTAURANT AND BAR…

Khlo-ho and Krimace are ordering drinks. Krimace adamantly refuses bread. Khlo-ho looks at her and says “I don’t want any bread. Now I would love some chocolate cake but no bread.”

Krimace tells Khlo-ho she has a dilemma. She’s been talking to Miles over the phone, and he’s a great guy, but she’s isn’t too keen on the fact that he’s a football player.

Khlo-ho wearing a random harem get-up tells us Miles and Krimace seem to be really hitting it off over the phone so Krimace should definitely go see him in Dallas.

Khlo-ho – “And I’ll even let her borrow my snazzy headdress sure to make footballers’ panties drop.”

Krimace asks if she should get a car or have Miles pick her up. Khlo-ho tells her to let Miles pick her up.

AT THE JENNER HOUSE…

Bruce yells “Goth, where are you?” Goth yells back “In the bedroom.” Bruce yells “Oooo.”

Goth Ronald – “Don’t get any ideas, Barry Manilow. You need to go hang out with Scott.”

Bruce – “Damn it! You just ruined my Heath Bar Crunch moment.”

Goth Ronald explains that Bruce needs to take one for the team and hang out with Scott for a little bit. Bruce grudgingly agrees to do it for Fry Girl. He asks “Why is it always me?” Goth Ronald replies sweetly “Because you’re a good sport.”

Bruce cackles “Oh I’ll do something with it.”

Bruce – “I’m going to open a can of Jenner whoop-ass on him. Mwhahahaha.”

AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Khlo-ho and Goth Ronald pull up. Khlo-ho shrieks again as she loses balance on her heels.

Khlo-ho – “This driveway is like navigating a minefield.” Goth Ronald – “I know.” Khlo-ho – “Hey, you didn’t care last time.” Goth Ronald – “Well, now I have heels on so, I do care.”

Inside Fry Girl and Krimace are on a conference call with the NYC realtor. There is a property in SoHo that Fry Girl is interested in. She has to make a decision quick before the property gets snatched up.

Fry Girl tells them if they pick this property they’re going to start setting up the new store within the next month. Khlo-ho says she can’t. She’s going to Europe with Lamar. Krimace offers to step in and help set-up the store.

There is tension because Khlo-ho wants to help but her schedule won’t permit her, and Krimace thinks Khlo-ho should be grateful that Krimace is stepping in to assist.

LATER ON AT KRIMACE’S…

Khlo-ho yells to Krimace “Eww why are you packing such ugly panties?” Krimace yells back “I’m not planning on hooking up with him.” Khlo-ho is like yeah right, you just gave yourself a ho bath.

Krimace tells us she’s just flying into Dallas for 24 hours. She is uber excited.

Krimace – “One last ass check. Good. I’m ready to go.”

Khlo-ho yells “Your ass looks fine, now leave before you miss your flight.”

AT THE JENNER HOUSE…

It is bonding day for Bruce and Scott.

Scott – “We’re going to go trophy car racing. Mason helped me pick out the perfect bonding outfit. It’s going to be… bad ass.”

IN THE CAR…

Bruce asks Scott if he has ever raced before. Scott says he’s been a race car (posing) but never a trophy car. Scott brings up the issue of Bruce never calling him back. Scott sort of lets Bruce off the hook by saying he also leaves messages with Kris giving Bruce the opportunity to say “Yeah, Kris never calls me back.”

Bruce tells us he will be spending more time with Scott today than he has in the past two years combined.

Bruce asks how the non-drinking is going. Scott replies his life is a lot more manageable now, but he has a lot more on his mind now because he’s clear-headed.

Scott – “Like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?”

AT THE DIRT BIKE TRACK…

The two get into gear and head outside.

Scott – “Nothing like a father son outing, huh?” Bruce – “Eh we’re not there yet, Sport.”

Bruce tells Scott “How about I refer to you as my grandson’s father.” Scott “That works.”

Scott tells us he admires Bruce, not for his athletic accomplishments, but because Bruce is a good father.

Scott – “What is your secret to being a good father?” Bruce – “Booze.” Scott – “Then what the fuck am I supposed to do? I’m not allowed to drink.” Bruce – “Treat it like Prohibition and get Mason to sneak you moonshine.”

Bruce and Scott climb into their trophy cars.

Bruce – “Ughh this must be how Insane Clown Posse feels climbing into her clown car.”

The two get strapped in by professionals and rev their engines.

Scott – “I make this car 100 percent sexier.”

Bruce – “Scott, stop preening and let’s go!”

Montage of Bruce and Scott driving over the hilly track. They finish and get out of their cars. Scott mentions that his hair is really frolicking in this wind.

Scott – “See? It’s getting its Zac Efron on.”

Bruce is like “I see.”

The two shake hands for completing an excellent ride. Then Bruce shows Scott how to do the hand hug.

Bruce – “Step one, put your hand like this.” Scott – “This is just like Bella looking at her reflection as an old woman.”

Bruce – “Step two, wrap your thumb around.” Scott – “Whoa, don’t get fresh.”

Bruce – “That was a hand hug.” Scott – “Oh. Now I feel very close to you.”

Scott – “Surprise hand hug!” Bruce – “You learn quickly, my grandson’s father.”

Bruce tells us he has only shared the hand hug with his family, but Scott is now part of the family so it’s okay.

AT LUCILLE’S BBQ RESTAURANT…

Bruce and Scott continue their bonding with a meal.

Bruce orders a beer and Scott a ginger ale. Bruce smirks and says “How cute, a ginger ale.” Scott replies “Happy wife, happy life.”

Scott – “Besides can’t eat BBQ when you’re a sloppy drunk without making a mess of your clothes.” Bruce – “This is true.”

Bruce is impressed with the changes Scott is making.

Scott tells Bruce he comes across like Scott can’t do anything because he wears a suit all day. Bruce laughs and admits normally that’s true. Bruce promises Scott if he keeps driving like he did today that he can join Bruce and the guys on other adventures.

The two toast to a successful bonding day.

Bruce – “Careful. Don’t spill any of your wussy ginger ale into my man beer.”

AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Krimace is back and yelling for Fry Girl.

Fry Girl – “We’re in the office.” Mason – “That was a quick trip. One-minute man, eh?”

Krimace enters the office and squeals when she sees Mason. She scoops him up and asks Mason if he is excited to see her as she kisses him.

Mason – “Ugh your lipgloss is not poppin’.”

Fry Girl asks how was Krimace’s trip. Krimace says it was so much fun.

Camera flashes pics of Krimace and Miles together.

Krimace tells Fry Girl she knew a kiss from Miles was coming, and she was so nervous. Fry Girl replies “I hate stuff like that.”

Mason – “Why be surprised? Set-up a punch card system like ‘The Office’s’ Dwight and Angela.”

Krimace gushes when they kissed they vibed. She really, really likes Miles. The downside is it’s another long distance relationship.

Fry Girl is concerned that if Krimace gets involved with Miles that it may take her away from DASH NYC.

Krimace promises to commit 90 percent of her time to DASH, but Fry Girl protests that she needs someone to be there to help her with the store all of the time.

Outside dramatic music plays. Scott looks at his phone and then a well-dressed man carrying a garment bag arrives.

Scott – “This way. The fashion victim is inside.”

Scott heads inside and announces to Bruce “Your new suit is here.”

Scott (sings) – “Clean shirt, new shoes.” Sales man (sings) – “And I don’t know where I’m going to.” Scott (sings) – “Silk suit, black tie…come on Bruce, sing!”

Scott tells us Bruce is a great guy so he got the same suit and tailor he uses for himself and Mason for Bruce. It’s Scott’s way of doing something nice for Bruce.

Scott – “And coz’ every girl’s crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man.”

Bruce loves the fact that Scott showed up with a custom made suit and tailor.

Bruce, the tailor and Scott head upstairs.

Scott – “As Mason and I say, dressing isn’t a game, it’s a life style.”

Downstairs Goth Ronald comments to Fry Girl that what Scott just did for Bruce was nice. Fry Girl mumbles mmm hmmm. Goth Ronald asks what’s wrong. Fry Girls sighs and says she has a lot on her mind. She doesn’t want to get to NYC, sign a lease, order merchandise and then be the only one doing all of the work. Fry Girl also mentions that the lease is up on their L.A. store.

Krimace interjects and reiterates that she said she’ll help. Fry Girl replies she’s not sure she wants to do either one anymore. Goth Ronald is like Lil’ John and yells “WHAT!?!?!?” The Goth accuses Fry Girl of bailing on everyone.

In the middle of their fight, Bruce comes downstairs to unveil his new suit, and Scott approved slicked back hair.

Everyone ooos and ahs.

Scott – “Presenting the Bruce-nator.” Bruce – “You talking ta’ me?”

Bruce and Scott – “Hand hug!!!”

Next time on the part 2 of the season finale of “Keeping Up…” Goth Ronald takes everyone to NYC for the 4th of July and Krimace steps out with Miles Austin.