KUWTK: Hear No Evil

If it’s at all possible, this family became a lot more unlikeable this week. The arguments, accusations, whining and plastic faces are all too much for me but I shall persevere much like my ancestors who bravely recapped Saved by the Bell even after they added the motorcycle chick.

This week, the youngest girls and Kris pick on Bruce, whose hearing has started to fail. Kris insists that he go to a doctor lest he not be able to hear her voice. Meanwhile, Rob, Khloe and Kim go to Vegas for Rob’s birthday and an appearance that he’s making. The girls question why Kourtney wasn’t invited and he never hangs out with her. Rob uses the standard ‘she’s busy being a mom’ excuse but he interviews that he’s really trying to stay away from Scott. You see, Scott used to be the only constant male figure in Rob’s life what with Kim’s revolving door of men and Bruce’s missing balls and all. He had no choice but to hang out with him but that all changed when they went to Miami last season and Scott went off script.

Scott: You bitch! You got more suds than me.

“I will NOT do this photo shoot unless “Zoot Suit Riot” is played on an endless loop.

“I’m so excited, I’m so excited. I’m so…scared.”

Rob is being considerate of Kourtney so he’s keeping this information from her. Smart move. Alienating a relative is much better than being honest. At the Jenner house, Khloe puts a harmony cone into Bruce’s ear to un-wax it and they actually show the ear wax afterwards. Really? Meanwhile, Rob is sick and Khloe is taking care of him. She tells Kourtney that he’s hung-over and Kourtney accuses him of always being hung-over. He denies being itand claims that he doesn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. Or work. Or provide for himself. Or have healthy male relationships. Kourtney keeps harassing him and claims that she’s upset that he’s missing time with Mason. Last time I checked, he didn’t fuck Scott and have kid so yeah, there’s that. I can’t stand when people act like their kids automatically become other people’s hobby. Rob doesn’t have kids for a reason; the strippers find out that he’s the poor Kardashian and *take care of it*.

Kris gets back to the Jenner house and discovers that Bruce never picked up the girls from school. He never heard Kris tell him to pick them up and he rushes of to get them. The girls are pissed but Bruce’s failure has actually set them up for their inevitable jobs on Sunset Blvd.

They’ve perfected the teenage runaway hooker stance.

And the way they walked up to that window – one keeping an eye out for po-po while the other shields her face with her hair? They’re naturals!

The girls tell Bruce that they could have been kidnapped but uh…no they couldn’t. The kidnappers would realize that these are the two sisters without ass and they’d pay a ransom to give them back. And why were the two of them dressed like Olsen twins or ugly stepsisters? Oh, never mind…And they didn’t have cell phones to alert Kris or Bruce to the fact that they were on the corner a whole 2 hours early and were about to jump ship for Chicago Larry’s harem?

Any. Way. Rob decides to stop by Kourtney’s house to spend time with Mason. Why does this family only communicate in accusations and insults? Kourtney immediately berates Rob for being taken care of by Khloe and Lamar. She continues to get on Rob’s case about the alcohol and Rob tells her to stop because it’s not true. A day or two ago, Kourtney yelled at Rob for not spending time with her *surprise* yet when he shows up, she says that the baby doesn’t revolve around Rob’s schedule. Okay, but he revolves around her desire to firmly cement her position as the dumbest Kardashian. She didn’t even try to marry up! Kourtney kicks Rob out after he reveals that he really doesn’t want to be around Scott because he’s a negative alcoholic. Apparently, only Kourtney can criticize Scott. She throws him out in a manner reminiscent of Farrah from Teen Mom. She’s got that weird halting speech and twitching head thing going on.

Bruce is at the doctor to get his hearing tested but he makes a little time to multitask.

He recorded lead vocals for “We are the World II: The World Hates Us”

The doctor locates Bruce’s other ball.

And he makes shadow puppets.

The doctor tells Bruce that his hearing is fine he just doesn’t listen to his bitch wife. Bruce agrees that he has that condition: selective hearing AKA penisitis. Bruce like the moron he is, goes home and proudly announces to Kris that she may want to cut down her shrill nagging because he has the same disease as his doctor. Kris takes this about as well as you think she would. He reminds her not to stress him out due to his condition and walks out to play golf. HA! You know he went outside to take cover in the garage and make sure his pubes weren’t singed by Kris’ wife rage.

Emergencia! Kim enters the Jenner house with some disturbing news.

I only had 6 lines this episode. You’re fired.

Also, Rob has to go to the hospital. His stomach hurts and he can’t go to the bathroom. This is gonna be so embarrassing if it ends up being gas. Like any good parent, Kris announces 87 times that she’s going to put on her tennis shoes and get him. Three wardrobe changes and a Botox session later, Kris gets Rob and it turns out he has to have his appendix removed. I don’t know if they’d script the loss of a useless body part so this must be real. I think…Rob has to have surgery and Kris says that anytime a kid goes under it makes you worry as a parent. Good thing that doesn’t happen each time one of her kids goes down. I’m here every Wednesday folks.

Kris goes home and talks to Bruce about their fight. He confirms that she’s a nag about things she wants him to do and she again uses the “I work, I’m busy” line. That worked so well for Vicki Gunvalson on RHOC. Why can’t it work for the mastermind behind the Matrix?

Never send a human to do a Kardashian’s job which includes, but is not limited to, hawking unsafe dietary supplements, selling homemade porn, ridiculing our family and selling overpriced buddy bands.

Kris and Bruce agree to do the handshake from “What’s Happenin’” to signal that they are going to say something important to each other. Kourtney, with that damn accent of hers, takes flowers to Rob in the hospital. I really like her least which surprises me. Her little coy smile, unnecessarily rolling “r’s” and lack of a distinctive personality make me want to bury her in the backyard along with my naked and beheaded Barbies. Shit, I’ve said too much. She mends things with Rob and they agree to hang out and he will make every effort to avoid Scott. Perfectly healthy relationship.

Next week, we find out why Kendall is on birth control (yawn) and Kim’s love disease creeps up onto her stomach. Yes Virginia, there is a consequence. Until next week!