KUWTK: Here Comes the Fight!

After a brief hiatus, we’re back! I’m sure all two of you missed me and the recaps but I was on a hunger/TV strike. I was trying to get Small Wonder back on the air but it turns out that the kid who played Jaime died from combining pop rocks and coke and V.I.C.K.I. was used as a robotic sacrifice by that kid Paul from Wonder Years who became Marilyn Manson. At least I think that’s what the letter from NBC said. Anyway, I’m back and crankier than ever so let’s play catch up with our favorite blended family.

One thing I’ve learned is that if you miss an episode of this show it doesn’t matter because you can pick up right away. Let’s hear it for non-continuity! The story of the week is Kourtney refusing to marry Scott and Kris insisting that she do so. Kris and Kourtney are shopping and Kourtney drops the unnecessary comment that she may need to buy things for a nursery. When Kris brings up marriage, Kourtney ignores her and Kris is worried that she’ll be in a wheelchair by the time the two of them get married. I’d be more worried that Los Angeles area doctors will have completely exhausted their Botox supply at the rate she’s blowing through it.

Meanwhile, Scott stops by to see his therapist without Kourtney and says that Mason is still sleeping in their bed so he sleeps in the guest room. Yeah, I’m sure that’s the only reason he’s not in bed with her. He’s also not sure if he is ready for another child because he already feels left out of the Kourtney and Mason equation.

Sometimes I just close my eyes and remember the days she’d wipe my ass and clean up my drool.

Next up, Kris fondly recalls the day she met her friend Pastor Brad at a church she went to years ago. Incidentally, the church immediately burst into flames upon her entrance. We know Pastor Brad is legit though because we’re treated to footage of him marrying Khloe and Lamar who got married 33 days after meeting each other. In fact, he’s so legit that he wants Kris Jenner to perform his wedding. Can’t. Compute. Brain. Exploding. Kris, who’d never miss an opportunity to do anything involving cameras, cash and communion wafers, agrees to do so. They also agree that Kourtney should get married so Pastor Brad can earn enough money to get a last name or at least make those charges go away.

Kris stops by Kourtney’s house and she and Kim make fun of her for wearing weird white sunglasses. The two girls try to make jokes but they just renew my hate for the fact that a fat ass and willingness to compromise any shred of morals is enough to get an entire family on TV even though they’re not even funny/entertaining. Kris brings up Pastor Brad, God and the fact that there is an order to things. I kind of agree but when your oldest daughter has nude pictures floating around from when she was 17, yeah…her order’s been set and laid out for the next kid to repeat. Kris doesn’t understand why Kourtney won’t get married and Kim almost sides with Kourtney by stating that Kris didn’t even like Scott a year ago and now she’s pushing for them to get married. Then Kim remembers who gets her all of those great Skechers deals and decides that she’s ultimately on Mommy Dearest’s side.

Khloe, the bestest sister of them all, is on the couch looking like death. Bruce, the most sensible of them all, brings and feeds her chicken noodle soup. Bruce tells Khloe of Kris’ plans to get ordained and Khloe just wants to know if Kris can still have sex.

I sure hope so! The mailman won’t come here for nothing.

Kris is at the house getting ready to host Pastor Brad’s wedding and she’s hanging out with a friend of hers. I’m sorry but I have no idea who she is. I do love the fact that neither of these AARP eligible broads can do anything without their wine glasses attached to their arms.

Kris: I’m thinking of having this glass surgically attached. See? I can still use my right arm.

Blond Friend: As long as you can still do the Pledge of Allegiance I’m behind you.

Later on, Kris uses Scott and Kourtney as her pretend couple so she can practice the wedding ceremony. After Kris goes over it, she jumps into another speech about Kourtney and Scott getting married. Kris really wants them to follow tradition and Kourtney responds with “f*ck your tradition.” *Sigh* If only Hallmark had thought of that first. After Kris goes on a little more, Kourtney tells her to “shut the f*ck up.” Even Scott jumped in and told her that she didn’t have to go that far. I don’t understand this obsession Kris has with tradition since she doesn’t follow it herself. Tradition dictates that when a child tells their mom to shut the f*ck up, that child, regardless of age, shall have their respective culture slapped out of them.

I.E. “I’ll slap the Venezuelan out of you!”

Kris dropped the ball on raising respectable young woman a long time ago (with the exception of Rob). Kim openly agrees with Kris so Kourtney gets pissed and leaves.  On the ride home, Scott and Kourtney discuss the situation and neither one of them can figure out why Kris wants them to be together. Scott keeps playing along with the situation but I think he secretly feels crappy since she won’t marry him. My take on it: Kourtney has been so screwed over by Scott in the past that she’s with him out of comfort and is kind of stuck because of the baby. She’s accepted that it’s just easier to stick with what she knows but she’s a little cold towards him due to their past differences. Marriage would just be the nail in the coffin. Bruce tells Kris to back off before she alienated her kids. She tries to bulldoze Bruce but he’s not falling for it.

Kourtney and Kim talk about Kourtney’s reluctance to get married. Kourtney says that Scott’s been improving but she wants to be sure that he’s 100% good so Mason doesn’t have to go through a traumatic divorce like she did. You know how that could have been avoided? By not having a f*cking baby with someone who’s a raging alcoholic!

On to the wedding! Finally…I can barely keep my eyes open for the rest of this. No Khloe makes me a very sleepy girl. Kris is nervous about performing the ceremony even though the ceremony is in her foyer. Yes, the same foyer that she has drunkenly performed in time and time again. She manages to get through the ceremony with only mild slurring and she immediately grabs some champagne. Of curse she brings up Scott and Kourtney’s relationship again. They have a talk and Kourtney says that she’ll have her happily ever after in a different way. Kris starts crying but Kourtney’ s having none of it. She walks out and leaves Kris behind. Kris has becomed obsessed with Kourtney going against God’s will but where was all of this God talk before? Once your daughter has a kid and she’s allowed to curse at you, all bets are off. Oh, and Kris looks like she could’ve been an extra on the TV show “It’s a Living.” Remember that show with the piano player guy on the rooftop restaurant?

Yup, this guy.

Next week, Rob reveals his seething hatred for Scott and goes into surgery to finish his vagina removal. See you then!