KUWTK: Kris ‘The Cougar’ Jenner

PREVIOUSLY ON KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASIANS…

Goth Ronald (Kris) accidentally sees Scott in the buff. Krimace (Kim) hears way too much about Scott’s ‘sausage’ from the Goth and Fry Girl. Bruce freaks out over Kylie sneaking boys into her bedroom causing Kylie to run away to Khlo-ho (Khloe) and Lamar’s house. Fry Girl (Kourtney) and Scott decide to try and have another kid.

AT BARRY’S BOOT CAMP…

Khlo-ho, Goth Ronald and Krimace go work on their fitness.

Goth Ronald grabs her boobs as she runs on the treadmill.

Goth Ronald – “Damn it. I knew I should have gotten silicone instead of saline. Feels like I have a pair of ‘Salute Your Shorts’ capture the flag water balloons bouncing on my chest.” Khlo-ho – “Whatever, Donkey Lips.”

Goth Ronald tells Khlo-ho that she thinks their instructor is a ball buster. Krimace tells us the Goth always complains that she’s getting older and her body is out of shape. She thinks that Barry’s Boot Camp is the perfect place for the Goth to get back in shape.

The treadmill starts going faster causing Goth Ronald to panic.

Goth Ronald – “Turn it down! Turn it down! I command you, machine, to stop!”

Khlo-ho tells Goth Ronald to shut up. Then Goth Ronald clutches her chest again and yells,

Goth Ronald – “Wait, I should’ve worn a sports bra.” Khlo-ho – “But you didn’t because you couldn’t find a striped one. Wait, what are you wearing?”

Goth Ronald – “A push-up bra.” Khlo-ho – “OMFG!!!” Goth Ronald – “I need to look good for Barry.”

Khlo-ho – “You’re going to need a lift after this.”

Goth Ronald – “Oh shit! I’m going to look like Tara Reid.”

Then trainer “Storm” walks by.

Weather Channel is predicting a 40 percent chance of nice ass and 60 percent chance of hot abs headed your way.

Storm walks over to Goth Ronald and asks how she’s doing.

Goth Ronald – “Fabulous.” Storm – “Good. I was worried about you. You’ve been grabbing your boobs the whole time.” Goth Ronald – “Ah, that? It’s nothing. It’s how all of us Kardashians run on treadmills. It’s an Armenian thing.” Storm – “I thought your ex-husband was Armenian?” Goth Ronald – “Fine! I didn’t wear a sports bra because I couldn’t find a striped one! Are you happy?” Storm – “Let me see if I can get you one before you injure yourself or the machine.”

Khlo-ho looks at a grinning Goth Ronald and says “She is like so a damsel in distress.”

Goth Ronald tells us she can see why Krimace and Khlo-ho come to this class all the time. Camera cuts to Storm motivating people and then back again to Goth Ronald.

Goth Ronald – “It’s a really good workout…for your Kegel muscles.”

Storm comes over to Goth Ronald again to assist her with crunches. Goth Ronald tells him she really doesn’t like classes that much. Storm mentions that he does personal training too. Goth Ronald plays coy and tells him she’ll get his card later.

The Goth scoots over to Krimace.

Gpth Ronald – “My boobs are going all National Geographic on me. I don’t think this is going to work out.” Krimace – “Shut up! I’m trying to work out.”

Cue opening credits.

AT THE JENNER HOUSE…

The gang is playing poker. Kendall asks how do you play. Rob in a valley girl voice says “That’s what we’re doing right now, okay?” He tells Kendall to put in 5 chips, but she puts in 4. Rob exasperated says “No!” and pushes them back at Kendall.

Scott looks at Rob and says

Scott – “You’re like Hitler. Look at you, you’re a tyrant. I’m impressed.”

Rob replies, “I am.”

Krimace tells us every Sunday night the family gets together and has game night.

Krimace – “But we’re not like normal families. The stakes are higher. We bet purses, dogs, who has to spend the day with Bruce, and first born children. I want to win Mason, but Scott refuses to gamble him.”

Tonight Rob is teaching everyone how to play poker.

Goth Ronald – “I’m willing to wager Bruce’s soul that I keep in that canister in the pantry.” Bruce – “Deal me in.”

Krimace wins with a flush.

Krimace – “Bruce, looks like your soul is mine now!”

Krimace gloats how she beat everyone with her first hand at poker. Fry Girl tells us Krimace is really annoying when it comes to playing games, ever since they were little kids.

Fry Girl to Krimace – “Next time you won’t be so lucky…mwhahahaaha” whispers to Scott – “We’re going to get Mason to play for us.”

Scott – “Mwahahahahaha. You’re going to get your ass kicked, Krimace.”

Bruce – “You crazy kids. Now about my soul, Krimace…”

Everyone continues to laugh maniacally.

THE NEXT DAY…

Goth Ronald emerges from her closet wearing a vavavoom red dress. Bruce looks up from his laptop.

Bruce – “Honey, what are you doing dressed like an under cover prostitute in an episode of Cops?”

Goth Ronald says she is going to go out with the girls, but she feels so fat in this dress.

Bruce – “Do you think this dress gives me a uniboob?”

The Goth says she needs Spanx, the dress is too short, the shoes are all wrong…

Bruce tells her she looks fine, but the Goth starts talking about her cellulite and her fat thighs.

Bruce – “FML”

The Goth tells us that she used to work out everyday until she had her knee surgery. Now she has gained 15 pounds and feels really down on herself.

Bruce – “OMG so that’s how you put Spanx on.”

Goth Ronald sighs “Is anyone ever going to tell me I’m sexy again?” Bruce smirks and replies “You’re sexy baby.” The Goth just rolls her eyes.

ANOTHER DAY AT THE JENNER HOUSE…

Squeaky toys could mean only one thing…IT’S MASON MOO MOO MOBILE TIME!

Khlo-ho – “Hi Mason!” Mason – “Nice to see you’re mixing it up with polka dots. Fry Girl, is that a chicken caesar salad?”

Khlo-ho distracts Mason from Fry Girl’s salad by spinning a bear.

Mason – “Damn you, Aunt Khlo-ho. That gets me every time.”

The door bell rings.

A random dog that is not Rocky looks up.

Dog – “Runaway. Don’t come in. Send for help. Tell Timmy to get off his ass and help Lassie this time.”

Turns out it’s Storm.

Storm – “I’m here to train Goth Ronald. Wow you guys like stripes.” Fry Girl – “It’s a lifestyle choice.”

Fry Girl screams “Goth Ronald!!!” as the camera cuts to Mason.

Mason – “The Goth is robbing the cradle. (starts humming) Like disco lemonade…I smell sex and candy….”

Fry Girl yells again “Goth Ronald! Storm is here!”

Mason – “Storm huh? There’s about to be a shit storm up in here once Bruce sees him.”

Goth Ronald comes into the foyer and gives Storm a kiss on the cheek and a hug. Bruce does not look amused.

Bruce – “Storm? I thought Storm was Halle Berry.”

Bruce asks Goth Ronald “What are you doing, honey?” Goth Ronald replies sweetly “Going to work out with Storm.”

Mason – “Horizontally of course.” Mason Moo Moo Mobile lights up. Mason – ‘Scott just texted me. He says Storm must suffer from Helen Keller-itis to think that the Goth hot.”

Bruce asks Khlo-ho “Why does she want a personal trainer?” Khlo-ho replies “Have you seen the guy?” Bruce is like yeah, I just saw him. Fry Girl adds “Well, he’s pretty cute.”

Bruce walks over to the window and sees Storm bringing an exercise ball and yoga mat over to the Goth.

Khlo-ho, holding Mason, joins Bruce. She comments that the Goth is good at thrusting since she’s had a ton of kids. Khlo-ho tells Bruce that Storm is a sexy name too. Bruce is confused. He is like how is Storm a sexy name? Khlo-ho says she doesn’t know, it just is. She’s also surprised that the Goth is that flexible. Bruce smirks and says “Little do you know.”

Khl0-ho and Mason both scream “Ewwwwww!!!!!”

AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Krimace loved winning poker so much that she’s decided to host her own poker night.

Everyone gathers around.

Fry Girl – “Hello Krimace. Look who we brought.” Scott – “What do we say, Mason?” Mason – “Who’s ready to lose, bitches!?!?”

Krimace decides to start off with Texas Hold-em and a buy-in of $100. She tells everyone winner takes all.

Fry Girl looks at her cards and says “Good hand.”

Mason – “Don’t say that! Remember Lady Gaga, Poker Face!”

Everyone says Fry Girl goes first.

Mason – “Let me see. Bet conservatively. This hand sucks.”

Krimace wins the first hand. She gloats, pissing everyone off.

The second round is in Fry Girl’s favor. She wins.

Fry Girl – “Mwahahaha.” Scott – “Mama is gonna take me and Mason suit shopping with her winnings.” Mason – “Oh yeah!”

For the third round Fry Girl decides to make the stakes higher. She suggests that if Krimace loses she has to run around the house naked. Krimace refuses.

Scott comes up with an interesting proposition.

Scott – “One of you should be the other’s bitch boy for the whole day, doing whatever she tells you to do.”

Krimace and Fry Girl agree.

Fry Girl wins. Scott tells Krimace “Looks like someone is going to be Fry Girl’s bitch boy for the day.”

Then Fry Girl tells Krimace “OMG there’s a spider on your head.”

Krimace starts screaming and then everyone else starts screaming.

Arachnophobia Kardashian Style.

Krimace gets up and runs into the house.

Fry Girl – “Make it rain on them ho’s.” Scott – “You’re going to need a Winn Dixie bag to get into this V.I.P. section!”

AT THE JENNER HOUSE…

Storm stops by to give the Goth her private workout. Storm asks the Goth how is she feeling. The Goth says she’s a little sore but that’s a good thing. ‘wink’ Goth asks Storm what he’s been up to. Storm says working constantly. The Goth goes “Oh what a shame. You should be out with the hottest girl in town.” Storm asks Goth if she’s offering to be his publicist.

Goth Ronald offers to dig up dates for Storm. Storm tells her he trusts her judgment. The Goth has the perfect person in mind, one of her single BG5 girls. She shows Storm a picture.

Goth Ronald – “She’s that one.” Storm – “Oh.”

Storm is like okay “What’s that over your keyboard?” he asks. Turns out it is a yellow keyboard cover that Goth got to pimp out her laptop.

The two decide to go get a snack and head into the kitchen. Khlo-ho and Bruce are in the family room and hear the two in the kitchen.

Khlo-ho yells “Goth Ronald, are you making Storm oatmeal?” Goth Ronald yells back “Oatmeal with blueberries because he’s hungry.”

Bruce grumbles “She never makes me anything.” Khlo-ho agrees. Then she tells Bruce “Look, the Goth is batting her eyelashes at Storm.”

Bruce is not phased. He tells Khlo-ho he trusts his wife.

AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Scott is chanting “Mase-y, Mase-y, Mase-y.”

Mason – “That’s what all the girls will be chanting when they see me in this shirt.”

Fry Girl asks where is Krimace? She’s supposed to be making breakfast.

Mason – “Yeah, I’m hungry like the wolf.”

Fry Girl tells us she has a whole fun day in store for Krimace. Krimace is going to be her little bitch.

Scott – “Mason, I think we should have Krimace make us smiley face breakfasts.” Mason – “Yes!! Pancake faces, bacon smiles and sausage patty eyes!”

Krimace comes downstairs and into the kitchen. Scott says “Finally!”

Fry Girl demands “Two orders of huevos rancheros!” Scott adds “Extra ranchero.”

Mason – “Bwahaha good one!” Scott – “Thank you.”

Fry Girl tells her to not be a sore loser. Krimace says she isn’t a sore loser as she puts on some bacon.

Mason – “Look, she’s cooking the smiley face bacon. She is so our bitch.” Scott – “Totally our bitch.”

Fry Girl tells Krimace to look her in the eye and memorize every chore that she’s giving her. Krimace snaps that she can’t look her in the eye while she’s making her breakfast. Fry Girl retorts “I earned this right.”

Mason – “Damn straight you did. Krimace, flip that piece. The bacon is starting to look crispy on that side.”

Scott adds “You won, fair and square.”

Fry Girl tells Krimace “Don’t make a bet that you can’t live up to bottom line, baby.”

Mason – “That’s right. You’re the Water Girl to Fry Girl’s Baka.” Scott – “You’re the Moses to her Ramses.” Krimace – “Seriously guys, 10 Commandments references?” Mason and Scott (at the same time) – “Yul Brynner is fucking awesome.”

Fry Girl goes to feed Mason, and Scott tells Krimace “This is a mighty fine breakfast you got here.”

Scott – “It’s not a Denny’s Grand Slam, but it’ll do.”

Krimace goes over to the laundry room, picks up their clothes and dumps them on the couch.

Fry Girl – “No, I don’t think so.” Mason – “WTF!?! My clothes!!”

Mason shrieks and points at Scott.

Scott – “I know, Mason. It’s a disgrace.”

Fry Girl tells Krimace the deal is to wash, fold and put the clothes away.

AT RUTH’S CHRIS STEAK HOUSE…

Goth Ronald tells Bruce she is sooo hungry. The two join Storm and BG5 girl on a double-date.

Bruce – “Storm, good to see you. You remember my wife, Grateful Dead Insane Clown Posse?”

We learn that BG5 girl’s name is Noreen. The Goth introduces Noreen to Storm.

Bruce – “I think your couple name should be ‘Norm’. Maybe you two could open a New Yankee Workshop in the woods. Wear flannel…”

Noreen asks Storm if that is his birth name. Storm replies that it is.

Goth Ronald notices that Storm has barely said two words to Noreen. Looks like the Goth’s matchmaking is an epic fail.

Bruce notices that Storm is hitting on Goth Ronald in front of him and Noreen.

AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Scott asks Fry Girl where is her ‘Butler Bitch’? Fry Girl doesn’t know, but she’s hungry for dinner.

Fry Girl tells us Krimace only has a few hours of Butler Bitch Slave time left, and Fry Girl plans to get her money’s worth out of Krimace.

Krimace arrives with take-out food. Fry Girl asks “What happened to a nice home-cooked meal?” Krimace snaps “This is better.”

Scott and Fry Girl sit down only to bitch about the table not being set.

Fry Girl – “I’d like some candles please!” Scott – “I’d take a diet cream soda. I’ll have three ice cubes.”

Krimace yells “I’m coming.”

Scott – “That’s what she said.” Fry Girl – “Haha.”

Fry Girl looks at the soup and says she needs it in a bowl. Scott is shocked that Krimace is eating before they are.

Scott – “She’s like a saw mill over here spitting crackers.” Fry Girl – “I want my creepy Campbell Kids soup bowl.”

Krimace brings them candles and then Fry Girl asks her to cut up her chicken and carrot into bite size pieces. Krimace does as she is told. Then Fry Girl crosses the line by asking Krimace to get on her knees and feed her dessert. Krimace refuses.

Fry Girl tells her she is being a sore loser. Krimace snaps and says “Fine one more hand. $10,000. Are you scared?”

Scott – “$10,000 is our NYC matching suit money for me and Mason.” Fry Girl – “Yeah, I’ll pass.”

Krimace leaves the room. Fry Girl yells “Don’t forget to turn down my bed!”

Scott – “I can’t believe she wouldn’t feed you at least. I would have done that for you.” Fry Girl – “I know…the nerve!”

AT THE JENNER HOUSE…

The Goth and Bruce arrive home. Goth Ronald thinks it went well. Bruce not so much. Goth Ronald asks why didn’t he say anything on the way home. What did she do now?

Bruce tells Goth Ronald he’s pissed because it was supposed to be Storm and Noreen’s date, and Storm talked to the Goth the whole time. Bruce wants the Goth to admit that Storm was hitting on her.

Goth Ronald – “Don’t be ridiculous, Cousin Larry.”

Bruce – “Don’t you Balki me, just admit that he was hitting on you.”

The Goth laughs. Bruce is like this isn’t funny. He asks Goth Ronald if this is part of the whole menopause thing…hitting on younger guys.

Goth Ronald gets pissed off and tells Bruce that he needs to reevaluate his social skills. Bruce yells “It’s not my social skills I’m worried about, it’s yours!”

THE NEXT DAY…

Goth Ronald calls Noreen from her car. Noreen tells the Goth that they’re recording some new songs that she wants her to hear. Goth Ronald tells Noreen she had fun the other night at dinner. Noreen thinks Storm has a crush on the Goth.

Goth Ronald tells us she hopes Bruce isn’t right, because this isn’t “The Graduate.”

AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Fry Girl asks Krimace if she would like some oatmeal, but Krimace is still pissed and giving Fry Girl the silent treatment.

Goth Ronald drops by. She asks what’s going on. Fry Girl tells the Goth that Krimace is just mad that she was her “bitch dog” yesterday.

Goth Ronald – “Oh yeah, I heard about that. Mason is still pissed about his clothes.”

Fry Girl leaves to start her day. The Goth tells Krimace that Fry Girl is really pissed at her. Krimace is like whatever it was beginner’s luck. Goth Ronald warns Krimace to stop being such a control freak because it is really annoying everyone.

AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…

Goth Ronald is now at Khlo-ho’s house. She tells her you have the cutest clothes.

Goth Ronald – “Where is that striped dress I wanted to borrow?”

Khlo-ho sighs and says “You never borrow, you take. You’re not allowed to take anything until you bring back the rest of my stuff.”

Check out the Goth’s green colored skull scarf.

Goth Ronald – “Whatever. I’ll just go buy a dress from Hot Topic to match my scarf.”

Goth Ronald starts filling in Khlo-ho on the gossip about Storm and Noreen. Khlo-ho warns the Goth it isn’t a good idea for Storm and her to be working out if he has a crush on her.

Goth Ronald realizes Khlo-ho is right. She wouldn’t like it either if a young hot trainer spent all of her time with Bruce.

AT THE JENNER HOUSE…

Goth Ronald changes scarfs, selecting a blue skull one, and checks in on Bruce. She asks him “What are you doing?”

Bruce – “Looking at videos?” Goth Ronald – “Is it porn?”

Goth Ronald apologizes and tells Bruce she won’t be training with Storm anymore. Bruce tells the Goth Storm was doing a good job though fitness-wise. She looks great. The two start getting frisky and reminisce about that time they did it on plane and turned the engines off. Bruce says “That was the real mile high club.” Goth Ronald laughs and says “You’re making me horny.”

AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Everyone is chanting “Mason! Mason! Mason!”

Mason – “Louder. I can’t hear you!”

Krimace tells us everyone is over for another family game night.

Mason – “Game night! Shit Krimace is going to try to get them to bet me again.”

Krimace says she will try not to be competitive and just have fun with her family.

In the family room, Krimace picks up Mason.

Krimace – “Come to Auntie Krimace, Mase-y.” Mason – “Oh no, it’s starting.”

Kendall announces that the category is places.

Mason – “One Night in Paris!” Scott – “Bwahaha.” Khlo-ho – “That’s an actual place for Rick Salomon.”

Khlo-ho goes to pass the game device and accidentally bops Mason on the head.

Khlo-ho “OMG sorry, Mason.” Mason – “They’re better not be a bump on my forehead. I don’t want to look like one of those Real Housewives of New Jersey Neanderthal children.”

Krimace hands the device to Mason.

Mason – “This looks like a Roomba.”

Krimace yells out the clues. “What is it called when you go to class everyday?” Goth Ronald yells back “An education.”

Mason – “I bet you got yours from that Sally Struthers’ Direct Mail Diploma program, huh Goth Ronald?”

The Goth correctly guesses school, but they run out of time and the buzzer goes off.

Mason – “That sucks. Okay let’s go play poker.”

Krimace loses for their team so Fry Girl starts doing an impression of Krimace losing. Krimace and Khlo-ho pull Fry Girl onto the couch and start spanking her. Scott asks “What are they doing to Fry Girl, Mase?”

Next time on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” it is part one of one of the two-part season finale. Krimace gets set up with Miles Austin and Fry Girl asks if the others are down with DASH NYC.