Weak bladders, broken appendixes, psoriasis, incontinence and now bowel movements; it’s not an episode of “House” it’s just another week of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”. Either way, a crotchety old bastard will hobble in just long enough to solve everyone’s problems by the end of the episode. I am referring to Kourtney of course.
Last week, America’s favorite family of banshees and Bruce, brought us an episode ripped straight from the headlines. Remember when The Artist Currently Known As Prince pulled Kim onstage and she refused to dance? This episode takes place around that time and Kim reveals that she would rather make happy time with an NBA player who resembles a cyborg than dance. I think this was the point that I really grew to resent her. The world is at your feet, money and fame are all you know, yet you do not have the ability to let loose and celebrate the fact that the clothes on your body are worth more than all three of my 8 track players and X-Files boxed set – combined!
She ends up taking a dance class and doesn’t even try to do it. Everyone in the class is bending it like Beckham, or kicking it likes it’s hot or whatever the kids say these days. Kim ends up slinking out in embarrassment after not dancing at all. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Season 2 Episode 7, The Big Four-Oh. Am I right? Vivian, Will’s aunt, is self conscious about turning 40, takes a dance class with people who dance like they’re straight out of “Cop Rock” and leaves the class because she is so embarrassed. The episode actually aired just shy of 20 years ago (9/30/1991). I had to Google that exact info but I KNEW there was a catch. KUWTK is just recycling plots from old sitcoms! The more I think about it, Prince pulling Kim onstage is somewhat similar to the “Cosby Show” episode in which Theo and Cockroach won tickets to Dance Mania and Theo missed out on his chance to dance because he froze up and let Cockroach take his place; or when Rudy & Co. snuck into a teen dance club to meet JT Freeze and couldn’t actually speak when they met him. Yes. I’m a loser.
Jammin’ on the one
I look for any excuse to incorporate that phrase into my day and by the end of this episode, you’ll be looking for a piece of rusted metal to jam into your eyes and ears. Anyway, Kim never really overcomes her fear but she does manage to dance a little at an Armenian restaurant when the belly dancers insist that she get up and dance with her. Oh yeah, and Scott decides to mess with Kris’ head a little bit and says he wants to manage the youngest daughters. It’s all a joke to show Kris that she needs to pay more attention to them but Kris just sees that 10% disappearing before her eyes and flips out on Scott in his own home. He ends up apologizing but the tension is a-brewing.
Lamar and Khloe open the show (woo hoo!) with talk of poop…(double woo, less hoo!). Hey, I like a clean colon as much as the next guy. Lamar says that he’s never known Khloe to go to the “bathroom” and she insists that she does but never tells him. He surmises that that’s why she calls him in the middle of the day to ask what he’s doing. That’s so freakin’ true! In college, I’d schedule my ‘business’ around my roommate’s class schedule. Lamar feels that he needs to know this info so that they can be connected but Khloe, who loves to talk about everything else that’s incredibly personal and disgusting, won’t let it out. A pillow fight with more feathers than any pillow can possibly hold, breaks out.
I told you, just like every OLD SCHOOL sitcom!
Okay, when I was a kid, I’d beat my brother with a pillow until my hands bled and in all that time maybe two feathers came out. How do they do this? Anyway, Bruce gathers Kendall, Kylie and Kris for an announcement at their house.
When the glass is as big as the bottle, you can just stop with the pretense.
Bruce tries to let them in on some great news about an upcoming celebration but the girls just aren’t focused.
Kylie: Check it out. I’m Kim. This is how I dance. I’m a gazillionaire.
Kendall: Awesome imitation!
Kylie: Now I’m Kris. I can’t hold my pee! Give me an endorsement for old people’s problems!
Kendall: Dude, she’s right there.
That little heifer’s onto me.
Bruce announces that they are going to Bora Bora and Kris immediately starts complaining that she doesn’t want to be on a plane for 14 hours and then says that they can stay home…in other words, she wasn’t in charge so it’s a bad idea. Then Kris realizes that she can sell the exclusive rights to their trip for a cool mill and agrees to go.
Kim is taking Kris H. to meet her BFF Loren. Kris says that he cannot be himself because he’s a hater. Warning sign number 1: your man wants you all to himself and doesn’t like your friends.
Run, bitch, run!!
Kris has already made a great impression on Kim’s wealthy friends by showing up in a Joe Boxer sweatshirt and Old Navy jeans. Then he says that he feels like he’s meeting her second set of parents a.k.a. they’re old as dirt. It’s all fluff and stuff; Kim tries Loren’s wedding ring on her finger and they joke that they should go to Miami and get married that night. Khloe and Rob end up hanging out on a yacht with Loren and Khloe isn’t exactly in love with Kris. The first time she met him, he asked if her marriage was real or for TV. In all fairness, he probably just wanted to know how far he had to take this charade with Kim in order to ensure his palimony.
Meanwhile, Kim and Kourtney are at a mechanic and Kris H calls. Kim puts him on speakerphone and knowing this he says that just because Kourtney is boring and has a kid, it doesn’t mean that she is mature. WTF! This guy insults her sister unprovoked and Kim not only thinks it’s amusing but she puts him on speakerphone lest she leave anything out of said insult. Warning number 2: he humiliates your family.
You’ve got hate mail!
I feel like any guy, who makes more than 5 million dollars, could’ve gotten Kim. She seems so desperate to be in love that any moderately successful man would do. Back at the Jenner house, Kris confesses that she is uncomfortable with the thought of people seeing her in a swimsuit. She’s also uncomfortable with an 8 foot tall sarcastic weirdo traveling with them to Bora Bora. Vacation is the worst time to experiment with new people and Kris is aware of that. Kim is so “in love” that she’s sure there will not be any problems. What could go wrong on an island with a strange man? It’s not like anyone’s ever turned up missing or dead on a seemingly innocent vacation…well except for those 37 women who’ve been featured in People magazine over the last six years.
Khloe and Kourtney go shopping in the wreckage of the Titanic like all cool rich people do and Khloe says that she is not traveling to Bora Bora because she has to stay home with her own family. Kourtney doesn’t want to be left alone in case she hates Kris…and Scott…and her life. By the way, Kourtney keeps calling Kim’s boyfriend Kris Humphries. I guess it’s to distinguish from her mom but I can’t help but think that she thinks he’s this brooding mysterious figure i.e. Jordan Catalano. You could never just say Jordan; it had to be Jordan Catalano! Even when we’d drool over Teen Beat on the school bus, we always said Jordan Catalano. Oh and warning sign number 3: Your boyfriend share’s the same name as your mom.
Kris Jenner goes to her plastic surgeon to discuss her body issues. She wants her boobs smaller and lifted so that she feels more secure. I’m anticipating that her doctor may agree but assure her that she’s perfectly fine in every other way, but no! Dr. Fisher chips away at the last remnants of Kris’ self esteem and starts picking apart at her disaster of a face.
If she gets any more work done, she’ll look like Kim.
It turns out that the major overhaul Kris needs will require more recovery time than Kris has before Bora Bora so she sucks it up, as much as she can, and gets ready to go. The family meets up at the airport and we finally get to see Mason. He’s such a cute baby but what is it with this family and rolling around on their backs? Scott’s telling him to go to sleep on the floor and then has him make sheep and dog sounds on the gross airport lounge floor.
“‘Atta boy! Rollin around yer back with pretty ladies’ll gitcha set jes like yer dady!”
I don’t know why I felt like Scott would be talking like a carnie but it just felt right. You just know that Scott wants to show those damn Kardash-enner’s that Disick’s have unremarkable talent too. They eventually get on the plane and they get all kinds of first class goodies including pajamas. Yeah cuz that’s worth $2000.
The point of no return.
Mason is probably the first baby that can say he’s kissed a Superbowl winner, NBA player,local curmudgeon, TV show host, butcher, baker, candle stick maker, singer, one Mario brother and soccer player – all at once! If you look and listen carefully, you’ll notice Kris H. is pulling Kim away from Mason and actually says “Enough of him…give me some attention.” Kim rhetorically asks why he’s so jealous of Mason. I was kind of joking before but that is totally warning sign number 4: keeping you away from your toddler nephew. This guy is getting creepier by the scene. And I like it. I’ve always said this show could use more serial killer-ness.
The family gets to Bora Bora and it does a pretty good job of making my trip to Bermuda look like I summered in the back of Fred Sanford’s pickup truck with a homeless man covered in blisters. Rob and Scott joke around a bit and Scott brings up the incident in which he shoved money into that waiter’s mouth. Way to dredge up your bitter, alcoholic past Scott. Kris H, jumps right in and tells Kourtney and Scott to spice things up and stop acting like they have been married or 30 years.
“Lighten up guys. It’s not like your that old geezer couple. You know? The guy with no balls and the haggard one with the short hair. Actually they’re interchangeable. The point is it could be worse. Well, not as bad as the weird sister with the slacker NBA husband that has three kids but you’re getting there. And who is that weird man-child that doesn’t work but always seems well nourished? Strange guy. Anyway, pardon me while I mindf%$k your sister. Toodles.”
Kourtney isn’t thrilled with Kris’ advice and I can tell she’s angry because she looks out into the distance and doesn’t move. She’s so overdramatic. Kris starts to have a meltdown when she sees all of the hot chicks in bikinis but Scott sensitively mentions that they’re all like a hundred years younger than her so obviously, they’re gonna be hotter. Scott kindly states that he thinks she looks great which is creepily sweet. Kris and Kim get to their presidential suite and Kim starts complaining immediately that the room is too hot. She also says that she likes small rooms and always has. Oh really? Is that why she owns a 600 square foot dump in NJ? Yeah, didn’t think so. Kris H. clearly has a good and big head on his shoulders because, well, I’m looking at it. He says that he can’t believe she is complaining about something that most people would be happy to have. In another, even better, spoiled Kim moment, Kris throws Kim into the pool and when she comes up she realizes that her diamond earrings are gone. Oh this just gets better! This show answers the age old question: What do you give the girl who has everything?
A reason to complain.
Somehow, I don’t think this is who Seals and Crofts had in mind all those years ago. People are struggling to put food on the table, Somalis are keeling over each day, wars are going on in every part of the world and Kim lost her diamond earrings that she knowingly wore into the ocean! I’m not a communist or anything but I kinda feel like owning/wearing $75,000 earrings is a bit of a sin. What’s next? Will all of her money break her purse zipper? Will her presidential suite be too big and flowery? Oh wait, it already was. I hate her.
The episode stops there because there’s only so much heartbreak one can take. I, for one, am ready to empty my 401K and wire Kim money to get out of that hellhole of a resort. Scratch that; I already emptied it three years ago to pay my property taxes which incidentally would’ve barely covered one night in Bora Bora. I definitely think we should chip in and raise enough money to replace her earrings. Maybe we can open a PayPal account. Let me know what you think; it’s really f%$ked up that people suffer like this! See you next week….I’m going to ask Father Nick to say a mass for Kim and her jewelry.