PREVIOUSLY ON KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS…
Goth Ronald (Kris) decided to add co-band-manager to her resume with the girl group BG5. Rob and Malika decided to mess with Khlo-ho (Khloe) by tricking her into thinking the two were dating.
AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…
Goth Ronald tells Krimace “The other day I walked into your house and you will not believe what happened.” Uh oh. What did you do Goth Ronald?
Apparently the Goth walked in on a naked Scott standing in front of the refrigerator.
Krimace asks Goth Ronald “Was he full frontal?” Goth replies “Yes.” Krimace laughs and accuses the Goth of staring. Goth Ronald protests saying “No, no I ran the other way.” The Goth tells us she is now traumatized.
Krimace is intrigued. She holds up food items to compare how big Scott’s dick is.
Krimace – “Like this? Or is it more rectangular like a block of cheddar cheese?
Goth Ronald says it’s bigger. “Like this?” asks Krimace holding up a squash.
Goth Ronald – “Believe me if it was that big Scott would walk around pantless showing off with one of those Discovery Channel African penis cords.”
Krimace laughs and asks “Was it like this?” and holds up a wine bottle.
Goth Ronald says smaller than a champagne bottle but bigger than a squash.
“What about this?” asks Krimace holding up packaged sausage.
Scott’s Sizzling Sausage.
Goth Ronald exclaims “That’s it! That’s the size exactly.” Hmm so what you’re telling us, Goth Ronald, is that Scott has a huge chode?
Cue opening credits.
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE…
Fry Girl tells us today is Mason’s six-month check-up.
Mason – “The lighting sucks in here.” Scott – “I know. Don’t look at any reflective surfaces until we get outside.”
Mason – “Eww do you see those air vents? The air circulation must be terrible in here.” Scott – “I know. I told her I didn’t want to take you here. Don’t worry. I have Evian mist in my pocket.”
Scott puts Mason on the examining table.
Mason – “Ahh I look terrible!” Scott – “Don’t look at the mirror! It’s not you. It’s just the florescent lighting.”
The doctor walks in and asks Fry Girl how is Mason doing? Fry Girl says fine but Mason looks like he’s ready to eat. The doctor asks Mason “Are you hungry? Are you ready to be fed?”
Mason – “Scott and I are going to drop the old ball and chain off at Aunt Krimace’s and then we’re going to hit up Hooters for lunch.”
The doctor reads off Mason’s stats. They’re good. Scott boasts “He’s staying in shape this kid.”
The doctor tells them this is the same scale that Fry Girl was weighed on as a baby.
Mason – “Damn this scale must be old.”
Fry Girl replies “31 years ago” as the camera zooms in on an old photo of Fry Girl and her siblings.
3 broken cameras $800; Two maimed Sears photographers $3.5 million lawsuit; Paying off witnesses $500,000; Kardashian Family portrait: Priceless.
Turns out the Kardashians have been going to this doctor since they were children.
Fry Girl tells us Mason has the been the most rewarding, life-changing thing that has ever happened to her and Scott.
Mason – “What do you think of this smile? Think it’ll score us a discount on those suits?” Scott – “What did I ever do without you?”
Mason – “So I’m thinking about getting a peacoat for the NYC winter.” Scott – “Me too. With a classic Burberry scarf.” Mason – “Me too!”
Fry Girl says she wants to have another baby because she wants to have two kids close in age like her and Krimace.
Mason – “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!”
Mason – “Another kid!?!! You’re not going to “Cousin Oliver” the Scott and Mason show!”
Dr. Peter tells Fry Girl and Scott that Mason should come back in a month. They thank Dr. Peter and leave with Mason still reeling from the news that Fry Girl wants another kid.
IN THE WILDERNESS…
Bruce, Kendall and Kylie are out walking the dogs in some barren area. Bruce, ever the athlete, gets on Kylie’s ass to keep up. Kylie is like “Blehh I think I’m allergic to something out here.”
Bruce – “Kylie, quit trying to pull a Bro-day. A little fresh air won’t kill you.”
Bruce tells us he loves spending time with his kids, but the kids are so busy now.
“Insane Clown Posse is always pimping them out for gigs. I just want them to sit down and eat nachos and watch Dexter with me.”
Kylie keeps messing with her phone. Bruce tells her to put it away. Kendall tells Bruce “She’s talking to her boyfriend.”
Bruce – “What!?!?! My little Kylie has a boyfriend!!?!” Kendall – “Yep. Wow. Your hair is actually sticking up in shock.”
Bruce asks “Are you sure?” Kendall replies “Who else would she be texting this much?” Bruce is like but she’s only 12. Kendall asks “Well, how old do we have to be to start dating?”
Bruce says “16 or 18.” Kendall says “Eh which is it?”
Bruce – “17 going on never.”
Bruce tells Kendall “Whenever I feel ready. You have to realize I’ve been through a lot with these older girls.”
AT A RANDOM PARK…
Krimace and Fry Girl are taking Mason for a stroll through the playground.
Mason – “What is the point of taking me here if you’re not going to let me out of this contraption to play?”
Krimace decides she wants ice cream.
Krimace – “Ooo do I want an icy or a bomb pop?” Mason – “Live large and get both. What does it matter? You’re stuck with those birthing hips for life.”
Krimace decides to get a bomb pop and devours it.
Mason – “Damn! You’re giving Linda Lovelace a run for her money.”
Fry Girl gets a green and red striped one.
Mason – “Fr Girl, it looks like you’re sucking the Grinch’s…” Krimace – “Mason!!”
Fry Girl tells Krimace that her friend Amy just got pregnant and she has an eight-month old. Fry Girl is trying to do the math to see when she should get pregnant again so that Mason and the new sibling would only be 16-months apart.
Fry Girl also tells Krimace how painful it was to have sex again after Mason was born. She describes it like a metal pole ramming you. She goes on to tell us how she and Scott are doing everything they can to optimize having a baby, she just wishes that there was a way to make it easier.
Fry Girl explains to Krimace that her estrogen levels are so low because she’s breast feeding and that’s why she doesn’t get juicy down there.
Mason – “I don’t want to hear this. Going to my happy place…hello Playboy Mansion.”
Krimace replies “That is disgusting.” Fry Girl continues “But the juice isn’t loose.”
Mason – “Stop! Just stop!!!”
Krimace tells her just go buy lube. Fry Girl asks “Who buys lube?” Krimace is like what’s wrong? Fry Girl says in a funny voice “So what am I supposed to do? Go into the store and say hi I need some lube.”
Krimace tells her well then just go send an assistant to buy it for you; there’s no excuse.
Fry Girl pokes Mason’s face and tells him “You need someone to play with.”
Mason – “Sounds like you need some help playing with yourself.”
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
The doorbell rings. It’s some boy who yells “Kylie” as Kylie screams and hugs him. Must be Kylie’s boyfriend.
Generation Y’s Joanie and Chachi.
Camera cuts to Bruce.
Bruce – “And so it begins. Where is my baseball bat?”
Kylie tells Matthew “Let’s go to my room.” Bruce walks out into the foyer and yells “Hey!” Kylie turns around and says “Oh hey Dad, this is Matthew.” Matthew says “Hi, nice to meet you.”
Kylie tells Bruce that Matthew is her best friend. The two shake hands.
Matthew – “Sir, you’re crushing my hand.” Bruce – “Must be the Wheaties I had for breakfast this morning.” Kylie – “Isn’t this great?”
Bruce asks Matthew how long has he known Kylie. Kylie says they’ve known each other for three years. Bruce asks “Same grade?” Matthew replies “yes.”
Kylie and Matthew start heading back up the stairs. Bruce asks them “Where are you going?” Kylie says to her room. Bruce tells them he doesn’t think that’s appropriate and wants them to stay downstairs.
Bruce tells us here’s the tough part about having little girls. They have little friends, some are boys and some are girls. Lately Kylie has been having boys over to the house.
Look it’s “Suite Life’s” Zack and Cody!
Kylie’s latest round of boys who are friends come into the kitchen with her and Matthew. Bruce, wearing a pair of Goth striped oven mits, asks Kylie “Who are these guys?”
The one twin says he’s Justin. Bruce asks how old are you? Justin replies 13. Bruce asks Justin if he has a girlfriend. Justin says “No, not right now.”
Bruce – “Ah so you’re in between women?”
Bruce announces that they don’t have dating around here. Kylie whines “OMG.”
Kylie – “Bruce just doesn’t understand. He’s all up in my biz-ness.”
Kylie tells us that she has friends that are boys; they’re not her boyfriends.
Bruce joins the boys in the family room.
Justin – “What’s for dinner?” Bruce – “The only thing we serve here is tongue! You boys like tongue?”
Bruce asks Matthew and Justin – “What do you like better? Basketball or girls? No one is answering…”
Camera cuts to Goth Ronald.
Goth Ronald – “Not the basketball or girls question again. Bruce!!!”
Goth Ronald asks Bruce to come into the kitchen to help her with the pasta. She tells Bruce that he is becoming embarrassing again.
Goth Ronald – “Give me that sodium pentathol in your pocket.” Bruce – “But I don’t wanna.”
Bruce says fine I’ll go upstairs as long as you keep an eye on them. Goth Ronald says sure, psycho.
IN THE CAR…
Scott asks Fry Girl “I wonder if we had another child if it would be as adorable as Mason?” Fry Girl replies “I know….right?”
Fry Girl tells Scott that Krimace told her they need to start using some lube. Scott replies “Alright, I’m down.”
Mason in the backseat looks horrified.
Mason – “Dear God, it’s me Mason. If you can take a break from answering period prayers from Margaret, I’d like to ask a favor. Please don’t let them do it while I’m still in the car.”
Scott tells Fry Girl to run into the store. Fry Girl doesn’t want to. Scott assures her no one will recognize her.
Scott – “Besides it’s your dried, shriveled up cooch that is the problem. Not me.”
Fry Girl says “But if then you run in then they’re going to know you’re getting it for us.”
Mason – “When you stop in can you pick up USWeekly and some Animal Crackers for me? I’m going to need something to amuse myself with tonight while you two are banging.”
Scott says he’s not embarrassed.
Scott – “I have no problem telling them I’m going home to plow my wife up with a lot of lube.”
Mason – “Can you add Tums to the list? I think I just threw up in my mouth.”
Fry Girl smiles and says “It’s just unnecessary. There are always a lot of paparazzi inside the stores.” Scott lifts his eyebrows and smirks. Fry Girl adds “And they take a lot of pictures.”
Mason – “Here is how I’ll be hiding my face: behind Giraldo Giraffe.”
Scott asks her “So what do you expect me to do?” Fry Girl says “I’m fine. I don’t expect you to go in and buy me lube.”
Mason – “Then why did you spend the last 15 minutes talking about it?”
Scott puts on his turn signal and pulls into the parking lot.
Scott – “Don’t worry. All your troubles will go away soon enough.” Mason – “Thank god a liquor sign. We’re going to drink our troubles away.”
Fry Girl asks “What are we going to do?”
Scott – “I’m going to wait until someone walks by and then ask them to go into the store and buy us some lube.” Mason – “Better hope there aren’t undercover lube police out there.”
Fry Girl is like let’s just go. Scott gets out of the car and heads inside. Mason wrestles in his car seat.
Mason – “I want to come with you. Don’t forget my Animal Crackers!!!”
As Scott approaches the store, a random guy sitting at a table yells at Scott “Hey man, you look just like Tom Cruise in “Top Gun.” Scott turns “And says yeah, I do.”
Scott – “Listen, can you go into the store and buy me some lube?”
The first guy is like I don’t work here. Scott approaches the second guy and offers him 50 bucks to get the biggest box of lube for Fry Girl. Scott instructs him to bring it over the black Mercedes.
Guy – “You look just like Patrick Bateman.” Scott – “I know. Just buy the lube.”
Scott gets in the car and tells Fry Girl “No big deal.”
Mason – “You better hope he doesn’t take your $50 and runs.”
The guy comes back out with the lube and gives it to Scott.
Scott – “Thanks bro. So, do you help dispose of bodies too?” Guy – “Uh no.”
Scott gets back in the car and announces “It’s lube time.” Fry Girl replies, “Bingo.” Mason yells “Where are my Animal Crackers?”
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Kylie and her friends decide to order some pizza. They head upstairs to use the phone.
Kylie – “Hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery.” Justin – “Don’t forget we got coupons. We’re in a recession.” Kylie – “Okay, Warren Buffet.”
Bruce tells us he turned his head for just a second and all of sudden he finds Kylie and boy in her room. Scary slasher movie music plays as Bruce enters the doorway.
Bruce – “Hey!!!” Zack – “OMG it’s Michael Meyers! Ohhh it’s just your dad. The face threw me there for a second.”
Bruce yells at Kylie that the rules are no boys upstairs. He wants everyone to leave.
Kylie – “But we just ordered pizza.”
Kylie yells it’s not fair because she is the youngest she gets treated this way. She swears she will never talk to Bruce again and orders him to leave.
Velocaraptor roar! ‘Storms from room.’
AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…
Fry Girl is carrying around a procreation book. Scott tells her to put the book down, and they’ll just do it the old-fashioned way. Fry Girl says they can’t waste Scott’s sperm count, so they have to do it the optimal way.
Scott – “This is the way that Patrick Bateman does it for his video with those two prostitutes and that’s good enough for me. Let’s get going.”
Fry Girl yells “But we’re going to do it wrong.” Scott yells back “How are we going to do it wrong? We made Mason right the first time.”
Scott, fully clothed, reinacts his signature moves: front, side step, etc. that worked the first time.
Scott tells us he was very excited to find out that Fry Girl wanted another baby.
Scott – “I want a minion of fashionably dressed miniature Scotts to carry out my legacy.”
He adds however now that Fry Girl has broken it down to scientific statistics and facts she is taking all of the fun out of boning her.
Fry Girl writes down in great detail each baby making session’s positioning. Scott is like this is ridiculous. He asks her “Are we even going to kiss?”
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
Kylie tells us after the fight she had with Bruce, she called a car service and had it drop her off at Khlo-ho’s.
Kylie doesn’t knock or ring the doorbell. She opens the door and scares the shit out of Khlo-ho. Khlo-ho asks her “What are you doing here?” Kylie explains what happened.
Khlo-ho asks Kylie to say “Bible.” Kylie repeats “Bible.” Khlo-ho screams “Ahhhhh.”
Kylie – “Why did you make me say that?” Khlo-ho – “Bible is the word of the day. If you, Rob, Lamar or I say it we have scream like in Pee Wee’s Play House. Capiche?”
Khlo-ho asks Kylie if Goth Ronald and Bruce know that she is here. Kylie says they don’t. Khlo-ho explains that if Kylie wants to spend the night then the Goth and Bruce need to be told that Kylie is here. Kylie agrees to let Khlo-ho call them.
AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…
Krimace is getting out pots and pans as Scott, Fry Girl and Mason walk in.
Fry Girl – “Hey, hey, heyyyyyy.” Mason – “Fat Albert would be embarrassed for you.” Scott – “Yeah, you got to say it with more gusto.”
Scott asks where should they put Mason. Fry Girl replies “Put him down low.” Mason “What do you mean down low? I don’t ‘play poker’ as Ice-T says. Why are you talking with an accent?”
Krimace comments “You two seem like you’re in a good mood.” Scott replies “We’ve been fucking like cats and dogs all day.” Fry Girls tells Krimace “We don’t have time to hump all day.” Scott sighs and says “I’m all for having a baby but it’s just business to her.”
Scott – “I feel like she’s just using me for my body.”
Scott tells us “You would think that when your girlfriend only has one thing on her mind, sex, that, that would be a good thing. ‘shakes head’ Not in this case.”
Scott – “It’s not sex. It’s strictly business…and I’m not getting paid.”
Fry Girl gets on the internet and looks up semen volume enhancing pills.
Fry Girl – “See?” Krimace – “Yeah. Ooo a message from Beiber.” Mason – “Eww you’re not trying to make a ‘protein’ shake are you?”
Scott tells Fry Girl that she’s getting a little obsessed. “Last time it just happened as it will this time,” he assures her.
Fry Girl says let’s just order the pills. Scott says this isn’t fun anymore. Fry Girl says but it will increase our chances. Scott says he’s had enough of this.
Scott – “There are only so many times that I can ejaculate within a day.”
Scott leaves the room. Krimace looks at Fry Girl and tells her “Seriously that was rude.” Fry Girl is like “What?” Krimace says “You’re making him feel like literally he’s just a sperm donor.”
Fry Girl emphasizes that she just wants her children to be close. Krimace says it’s okay if they’re a year or two or apart, just let it happen. Fry Girl says she’ll stop having painful sex for a while. Krimace is like yeah let your vagina heal. Fry Girl laughs and says she’ll lay off the sausage for a while. Krimace grimaces and says quit talking about Scott and his sausage.
Camera pans to sausage on the stove.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
The phone rings. Bruce picks up. He asks if she’s seen Kylie. Khlo-ho fills Bruce in on how Kylie took a car service to her house. Bruce groans. He agrees to let Kylie spend the night and will deal with her tomorrow.
AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…
Fry Girl finds Scott outside smoking. She apologizes to Scott and wants to go back to doing it the fun way.
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Khlo-ho pops by looking for Bruce. Bruce looks up from the dishes and snaps “Look it’s the little baby snatcher.” Khlo-ho is like whoa. Kylie’s not a bad kid. Bruce is like quit defending her. Khlo-ho tells Bruce he has to stop putting all of Krimace, Fry Girl, Rob and her mistakes on Kylie. Until Kylie does something wrong he needs to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Bruce agrees to try but he’s going to punish Kylie for leaving the house without telling anyone. Khlo-ho agrees. She goes outside to bring Kylie in from the car.
Kylie and Khlo-ho come inside. Bruce looks at Kylie and says “Hello. First of all, those shorts are way too short.”
Bruce tells Kylie why he’s angry. Kylie explains why she ran away. Khlo-ho tries to explain why it’s hard for Kylie to talk to Bruce but Bruce tells Khlo-ho to stop talking for Kylie. Bruce tells Kylie if she has stuff going on to tell him, he’s her best friend. Kylie says “But you always tell me you’re not my best friend, you’re my father.”
Bruce – “So we can’t be like Rob and Big?” Kylie – “No, for multiple reasons.”
Kylie and Bruce come to an understanding to keep the lines of communication open.
Next time on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”… apparently Krimace owes Fry Girl and day of being her bitch/slave and Goth Ronald’s trainer is hitting on her which majorly pisses Bruce off.