KUWTK: No Mora Mora Please

Last week, we observed Kim sob like a baby and run away when her diamond earrings were lost at sea. Her soul was swept out to sea with it but the earrings are gone! Who needs a soul when your diamonds that were mined in some village by a boy with one arm are missing?! You’d think Kim would get a media coach or something. It’s tacky enough to mention how much something costs but it’s even tackier when you do it in front of cameras that will eventually broadcast it to people who’s median income is less than $75,000. And if they’re so expensive, why’d they come off so easily?! Kim jumps out of the ocean and does what any 30 year old woman would do. She runs to her mother.

Or Pauly D. I can’t really tell from here.

When I was 12, I fractured my finger. I cried, dried my tears, walked right past my mother who didn’t find this out for months, got ice and sucked it the hell up. Just a little anecdote about not being a moron. I understand that Kim is upset but it’s unreasonable to cry. It’s not like it’ll take her 29 years to make that money back. In fact, she made 100 TIMES that for her sham of a wedding two weekends ago. Anyway, she’s running back with her mother to find the earring and Kourtney yells over to find out what the issue is. After all, someone could’ve drowned, maybe there’s a shark in the water…but no. Kim tells Kourtney through her tears that she lost her diamond earring. Kourtney’s reply: “Kim, people are dying!” Did you feel that? It was the weight of the world shifting. I think I may like Kourtney just a little bit more. This is remarkable. Maybe it’s the Mason effect.

She’s more likable when she has a human attached to her. A human that’s not Scott.

Kim says that she works really hard for her money. Posing for pictures, blowing off meetings to teach your momager a lesson, letting cameras follow you around for a few weeks at a time, throwing your legs behind your head, getting free stuff and going on luxurious vacations hardly qualifies as work in my opinion and I don’t care what anyone says! Come crying to me when you wipe old people’s asses for a living or teach autistic children or ring up groceries at Stop and Shop. After busting my butt at work 12-16 hours a day helping people and making a small fraction of her earring’s worth, I don’t feel sorry for her at all. How can an alleged human being be so far removed from the world around her that she says this shit out loud?! This isn’t even amusing right now. Half of my city is underwater from the hurricane, people that are around the corner from me are being evacuated on canoes, people are losing property & work because of it and I received two messages that the sewers in my immediate area may back up into my home due to the severity of the flood. Sorry for the rant; this just doesn’t entertain me at all.

Kris reminds her that she has insurance on the earrings but Kim isn’t sure if she does because they’re just that fucking new. Next thing you know, Kris H. shows up with Kim’s younger sisters and announces that they found it. When Kim asks how, they say it was just laying there; it was huge and sparkling. Nice to know the earrings weren’t ostentatious or anything. Oh and it was just sickening to see her get the earring back. She looked like a baby that just got it’s pacifier. Freaking moron. Kris says in his interview that he would never own anything that would upset him that much if he lost it. Awww, I wonder if that applies to vapid women too. I like him a little more right now. Kris J. scolds him by saying he upset her daughter. Wow, way to enable your selfish cash cow Kris. Great mothering.

The next couple of scenes involve Kourtney questioning Scott about Kris H. throwing Kim, as if she’s too good for horseplay, and Kris H. tells Kim to her face that she shouldn’t be so materialistic. He also says that if he fell and broke his leg, she wouldn’t have even been that upset. Yeah, those are called warning signs Kris.

Wait, if you break your leg the NBA will still pay you right?

Kim is learning a lot about Kris now that they have had the chance to spend lots of time together and Kourtney assures Kim that it will only get worse. Scott and Kourtney are hanging out and he reveals that he had a drink or two in Vegas a few weeks ago. Kourtney is hesitant of Scott drinking again because of the way he used to be. Scott says that he just wants a drink to fit in.

I just wanna be like everyone else! If they jumped off a bridge, I would too! In fact, I’d do it first just to show how cool I am.

The guys get together and Kris H. talks about how shocked he was over Kim’s reaction. They all concur that she’s materialistic and he should get used to it. Kris says that he’ll let her get her way on some things but there are things that have to go his way and they wish him luck. Then the group does some snuba diving; it’s different from SCUBA because it involves helmets and I assume they don’t go as deep. Scott refuses to participate though and Rob gets annoyed because of it. I hate when people fell that just because you’re with a group you have to do everything with them.

Why aren’t you going? Even my sisters are doing it.

Yeah and all of your sisters have jobs. Do you?

Afterwards, the whole family eats lunch, Kim shows up half an hour late and wonders why they have already started eating. This girl is going to need serious therapy when she finds out that the whole world doesn’t revolve around her. She ends up leaving Kris H. at the table on purpose so her family can talk to him. I’d say that its rude but I’m sure the producers told her to do it. Kris J. starts asking Kris H. a bunch of questions. He says that he wants no more than three kids as long as they are like Mason. Then Kourtney and Scott  leave the table and he says “don’t isolate me.” Haha! I think he’s the only one that didn’t get a script. Kris J. warns him to be nice to her daughter or else he’ll be in trouble. If it wasn’t for men doing naughty things to her daughter, none of them would be on television right now so relax “lady who gets 10%”.

Kris H. fills Kim in on the conversation but she’s more concerned with Kris’ hairy legs and non-hairy everything else. At dinner, Bruce and Kris toast to the anniversary and then it goes south. Scott starts trouble with Rob and then they go back and forth with the insults. Kris J. and Bruce get fed up with it and leave. Maybe I’d care more if I hadn’t heard heard a recording on TMZ of producers manipulating a shot of Kourtney and Scott at Kim’s wedding . Kourtney encourages Scott to be the bigger person and hang out with Rob the next day.

The next day, the family enjoys breakfast and Kris notices a boat on the water.  When Scott mentions that it’s a tanker, Kris thinks that he is talking about her. Are we really supposed to believe this? Anyway, all of the girls make plans to “lay out” and Kris says that she won’t because she’s a tanker. She does go out on a raft though and she gets splashed by Kris H. who jumps into the water. Then he mounts the raft/canoe, and flips it over. He swears that he didn’t mean to and he can’t stand how they are all so obsessed with not messing up their hair and makeup. Then he waterboards Kim.

Hooray!

That was weird. Yet another warning…it’s one thing for a man to prefer their women not wear makeup, it’s a different story when said man physically removes it by holding your head and neck while under water. The way he was holding her by the neck and taking the makeup off? Kris J is watching and doesn’t know what to make of them but she’s willing to give it a chance. Creepy! You know what else is weird? When kim is watching the canoe incident from the ock, she’s wearing a bikini and ponytail from a few scenes ago. However, a few seconds later when she’s waterboarded, she has on the same cover up from the earring incident and the infamous diamonds. Somehow I don’t believe that she’d wear the same thing twice so is it just sloppy editing? Meanwhile, Rob and Scott sit down to talk and it turns out that Rob wants Scott to be a drunk again so they can have fun. Scott orders a round of beers and all is well with the world. Scott starts chugging beers like it’s his job and he and Rob go on a misguided bike trip. They’re like peas and carrots again.

And destructive assholes.

Kris is still hung up on her body issues and Kim is trying to talk her out of them but it’s not working. Kim and Bruce end up meeting with a wedding planner and Kim’s wearing yet another bikini and coverup. Who’s putting this together? At lunch, they discuss Kris’ biracial-ness and the fact that Kim’s dad didn’t like her Black first husband. I just don’t have the energy to go there so I shan’t. It turns out that Kris H had no idea that Kim was married before because he doesn’t know how to use google. How does this kid not know this? I google everyone I date and they’re not even famous. Kris H., or Humpy as Scott likes to call him, talks to Rob and Scott about how shocked he is over Kim’s previous marriage. Rob tries to downplay it but Scott won’t let him. It’ actually a funny scene because the fat assed elephant in the room is the fact that Kim has a notorious past, including a really naked short film, and it seems like they don’t know how much he knows.

The next morning, the family goes shark and sting ray feeding and Kris H. ‘playfully’ throws Rob into the shark infested water. Great way to make friends with the family buddy; kill the weakest. It’s really awkward but then Kim jumps in to show how not scary it is. So that’s how those killer men in Aruba do it. Afterwards, Bruce tells Kris about their surprise vow renewal. Kris H. doesn’t want to do it because she’s not into making a big deal out of anything that won’t be an E! special. Kris wants to stay covered up and not participate. The girls try to talk her into it but Kris still doesn’t want any part of it. Then they take her shopping but Kris is even angrier because her daughters are prancing around in bikinis and she’s feeling her age. I know the feeling and as a woman it is tough to participate in things when you don’t feel pretty but she should also throw on a damn blanket, do the ceremony and be happy that her husband wants to do this. Bruce tells her to just put on something nice and they’ll just have a party. Bruce offers to help her work out but Kris says that she’d rather he hold her hand during the plastic surgery. It must be nice.

Meanwhile, Scott and Rob have been drinking all day and they’re happy the’ve bonded. I’m confused again. When they went shark feeding, Kris clearly said that it was a morning activity yet Rob and Scott are talking about the bike riding as if it happened that day. Are the editors as fed up with this as I am? Kourtney isn’t happy to find out that he’s been drinking and instead of feeding into Scott’s crap, she starts reading Mason a book. Scott says that this is why he hangs out with other people. Next week, Kris asks Bruce permisiion to marry Kim and Rob has had enough of his sister’s teasing. I hope Bora Bora is less boring boring next week. I just realized why this sucked: No Khloe and/or Lamar! She make everything better. She’s like bacon but a human. A freakin’ hour of this horribly edited crap has officially inspired me to take a walk through a flooded street under some loose wires outside.