KUWTK: Not Again…

Well, well, well. Look who couldn’t stay away from the cameras for 14 days. Yep, you guessed it! Eveyone’s favorite sacrilegius Brady Bunch is back. Honestly, I haven’t watched this show in a long time but it STILL looks better than that Kourtney and Kim show we had to suffer through a few months back. The whole family is back together and up to its usual exploits except this time more people are married and less people are pregnant.

Let’s catch up with all of the girls. We last saw Kim choosing to stay in NY at the end of her last show so she could complete her quest of dating at least one man from each major league sport. She and boyfriend, Kris H., have some incoherent conversation about how she rejected him at first but then he fell for her. Then they burp in each others faces. Ray J got banged on tape and he gets gas. Seems fair to me. Next, Khloe and Lamar are still cute and newlywed. Khloe’s still cooking, Rob is still mooching and a strange little man has moved in with them.

It’s like that ghost in Three Men and a Baby. Random.

Scott and Kourtney are still “unpacking” their new home, aka production brought in 3 cardboard boxes and labeled them “celebrity shit that costs more than my house”. Am I the only one who found the house to be a little blah? Kourtney reiterates what her three sisters have already said in their interviews which is the family never spends time together anymore. Scott volunteers their home for game night and Kourtney lifelessly agrees.

In her defense, I’d be distracted by this really big carrot too.

It’s time to catch up with the B players and Khloe arrives at the Jenner household so that they family can get together and go over their schedules. She’s greeted by Palm, her mom’s new assistant, who mistakenly calls her Kourtney.

Your Kourtney right? Shacked up with asshole? Didn’t marry rich? Huge disappointment?

To Khloe’s credit, she laughs it off and politely corrects the woman. I’m truly convinced that all of the ‘characters’ have a script BUT it doesn’t include what the next person is going to say and they all are genuinely surprised when they spit their lines out. Anyway, all of the girls eventually gather, Bruce included, and the youngest sisters even come out to play.

I’ll be up in my room practicing for my film debut. 18 is right around the corner ya know.

She has a Valerie BertandErnie thing going on, no? Anyface, as they all gather in the kitchen, Palm walks in like the Grim Reaper on benzos and says “Sorry about your mom…” I’m thinking Kris finally got a little to close to a church and spontaneously combusted but no such luck; she’s just on the phone. Of course the girls start to obnoxiously call their mother and hang the fact that she’s their manager and should be catering to them over her head. While they wait, Kim mentions that she and Kris H. have talked about having babies. Khloe is not feeling this at all since the two of them just started dating. Gee, I wonder what the rest of the episode will be about?

Kris finally comes out and the girls throw the fact that she will be fired in her face. As soon as she sits down with the girls, Palm brings out the phone for a business related call.

Mrs. Jenner, I’m so sorry about your phone. It rang.

The girls start to yell in the background while she’s on the phone and Kris pretends to be annoyed but these banshees are almost exclusively responsible for allowing her to continue her quest to transform into Elvira. Plus, you know the person on the other end as like “holy crap, are those your daughtersin the background?” So, yeah.  They give Kris flack again for making them wait but instead of resolving the imaginary issue, they wait for game night.

Before the family arrives, Khloe and Kourtney talk about the situation with Kim and Kris H. Khloe says that she is the nicest of the two so she ends up being friends with the boyfriends and she’s tired of the emotional turmoil. Kourtney encourages her to be not too mean and not too nice. Hmmm, nothing can go wrong there.

It’s time for game night and Kim isn’t there because she had a photo shoot in NYC. Kris J. doesn’t show up but she does find the time to re-gift candles and flowers. It even includes a card that was written to Kris.

I sent her this gift!

Next up, Kris has scheduled a meeting with Khloe, Kourtney and some potential business partners. Khloe and Kourtney blow off the meeting because they’re annoyed at her for missing game night. Let’s just lay this all out shall we? Were in the midst of a recession. People are losing ther homes, going hungry, desperately seeking jobs and these two asshole kajillionaires passive aggressively skip out on a meeting over some mutha effin’ family time! Do you know what I would give to be able to skip family time?!! Kris is pissed off, rightfully so, and goes to Kourtney’s house to confront them. The girls throw the same thing in her face about only caring about money and not making family time. Good point, but then Kris fires back that they shouldn’t have “shown” her a lesson in that way. Better point. Kris says that she is going to work 9-5 and not go the extra mile for them anymore. The girls are unfazed.

I don’t have to take this. You’re not the only special ones. FYI, I’m part Sarlacc!

“Just say the word Khlo and I’ll smoke that bitch.”

“Ugh, will you two stop angling for a Star Wars/Miami Vice crossover film? It’s not gonna happen.

Once Kim’s back in town, she tells Khloe that the two of them and their men should go to Australia together. Khloe is hesitant and Kim is trying to figure out why. Then Kim says they’ll go to dinner on a double date and Khloe is still reluctant. They leave the issue up in the air while Kris and Bruce chit chat about the girls skipping out on the meeting earlier. Bruce sees both sides of the story and Kris says that she’ll make sure that everyone is in town at the same time for family dinner night.

“And stop spitting in my wine, weirdo.”

Kim goes to Khloe’s house and is angry that she still has photos of Kim’s previous boyfriends around her house. Ummm, can you friggin’ blame her? It must be hard for Khloe to switch pictures around every time Kim has a new boyfriend. Stephen Hawking is probably stumped by that shit. Khloe lets her know that Kim always claims she’s in love and they can’t keep up. Oooh, nice way of calling her a slut on the low, Khloe! Kim storms out after Khloe throws all of the pictures of Kim and her boyfriends into the trash. I love it! The glass broke and everything! Rob comes in the room and sees what happened and poignantly tells Miles Austin to RIP. Holy crap, even I forgot about Miles!

It’s time for family dinner night and Khloe walks in and manages to insult her mom and Kris in one sentence. This is why she’s my favorite. Kris demands that Khloe apologize to Kim for what happened especially since she’s being forced to hang out with her jackass kids that night and doesn’t want any drama to interfere with her wine drinking. Khloe and Kim talk and they make peace. Boring! At the dinner table, the family agrees to get together once a week for dinner and connecting. I immediately thought of a dirty Kim joke when they said connecting but hot damn, Rob jumps in and takes a huge swipe at Kim who’s texting on her phone. Rob takes this opportunity to say that Kim is a snob and never takes time for her family. Ouch! He claims he was joking but I don’t buy that for a moment. Kim actually starts cursing and saying that Rob is an effing loser. Rob defends himself by saying that Khloe gives him an allowance. I love a proud loser; nothing more American than that.

Kris tries to make a toast and bring the whole thing together but instead she drunkenly says a few words and drinks her wine. Kim, the effin bitch snob that she is, announces to the entire table that her meeting was cancelled so she has the next day free. She asks the whole table, and Khloe in particular, what she should do.

Khloe, what would you do if you were the pretty sister who had people begging to see her?

Go fuck yourself. And pass the beans.

She gets up from the table to make the scene all about herself again and freakin’ falls face first onto the floor. Suddenly, I don’t mind watching this anymore. Kim goes down *rimshot*. I tried to get it in slow mo but the camera guy missed the actual splat. Damn you, Connecticut School of Broadcasting!

That’s it for this episode. This season, it looks like Rob finds his voice like Alex from RHONY. Kourtney doesn’t want to get married but wants to keep being a baby luge for Scott’s spawn, Kim gets engaged and the bitch has the nerve to say that she hates Lamar. I may have to trip her ass myself for that one. See ya next week!