KUWTK: Rob’s Mild Revenge

The Kardashian clan is back with yet another supersized episode. I thought I’d repented for all of my sins but apparently there’s a little more punishment to be had by me and all of America. I’m a little less testy now that the earring incident is out of the way so let’s hope that this isn’t as painful as last week’s episode.

The family is still in Bora Bora and Scott knows that Kourtney is upset about his drinking. He tries to make up by having breakfast delivered to them.

“Hello Missy Kardashian. This platter weighs 17 pounds and I am 11 months pregnant but who’s counting?”

Kourtney isn’t impressed by Scott’s gesture.

Mason has his daily “wipe daddy’s loser DNA off your face” routine.

We fast forward to dinner because the editors have once again lost their minds, and the family brings up camping. Kris J. wants Rob to hang out with good guys like Kris H. Kris H. declines because Rob hangs out with hookers. Man, I kind of love the fact that this guy is missing a piece of his frontal lobe. Kris J. asks if Rob really is into hookers and Kim replies that he makes less than Kendall so that’s not possible. Good job script writers! Rob actually feels bad about not having more going for himself and is sick of hearing that he is a loser. Here’s a thought: get a job! Rob has a degree; he doesn’t have to be a celebrity or be involved in entertainment. There is such a thing as being a normal human being. Well, not in this family, but he could be a trailblazer of sorts.

On second thought, most normal people face the ocean right? It’s back to the drawing board.

Back at Kim’s horribly huge, devastatingly flowery, and overwhelmingly tropical presidential suite, Kim and Kris H. talk to Kourtney about her mothering skills. She gets kinda fed up with them giving her advice since they do not have kids and Kris H. says that the thought of having a kid with them on vacation is making him nauseous. It seems to me that carting Kim’s ass around is just about the same as having a small child there.

On the Jenner side of things, Kendall and Kylie steal Rob’s beers, open them and pour them into the ocean while pretending to vomit. I don’t get it. I was a dumb kid but i would never, EVER…waste alcohol like that.

Only you can stop alcohol abuse.

When Bruce comes into the room, the girls lie and say that Rob gave it to them. I did my fair share of getting my brother in trouble but never like that. That’s not cool at all. Kris J. comes in the room, discovers the beer and starts to yell at Bruce. Yup, pretty sure this is fake. If not, they are the most obnoxious human beings in the world. I’ve never understood why people think that nagging/ranting/raving is the best way to get a point across so I have to hope that it’s entertainment. When Rob gets to the room, he says that he is not even going to defend himself. It’s either because this plot line is so ridiculous that he is not even going to defend himself or he figures giving alcohol to minors may finally land him in jail where he can realize his dream of being the first Kardashian to star in gay porn.

Finally my flexible neck will be good for something!

The “next day” Kim and Kris H. are talking about how Rob is not a go getter and how he can not commit to anything. He starts to get pissed off and says that he’d rather be in L.A. working on his career than on this vacation doing crap. A-ha! He’s breaking the fourth wall a little. I guess Rob is pretend-pissed that he has to be on the show which forces him to be on this “family vacation, instead of working. I say pretend because I think it’s a convenient excuse. I don’t know that he’d really be home working but I can see how the allure of being on the show for a little money and fame could distract one from branching out and potentially failing. Then he mentions that he wasn’t focused on his studies in college and his dad would never allow this. Wow! I think he’s referring to this sham that this family’s been pulling the last few years. Look, I don’t begrudge anyone’s fame as long as I feel they add something of debatable value. Khloe makes me laugh so I enjoy her. With the exception of her and the lovable Lamar, I’m not impressed by any of the others because everything just seems so scripted. Kim is so uptight and boring, Kourtney is always so droll, Scott is too jerky when he drinks, Kris J is too shrill and immature, Bruce looks one step away from pumping lead into his brain and at this point, the two youngest are too young to dislike or like.

We’ve all seen Kim freeze up when she has to speak, dance or not bang the athlete standing next to her, so why should I believe that she’s able to come up with these clever one liners and insults on this show? I’ll even take it a step further, and this may get me a one way ticket to Abu Dhabi, but I found Paris Hilton more entertaining in her day. It was very clear that she was playing a character, of sorts, and “The Simple Life” was actually funny. I tried not to watch it but my brother of all people insisted that I did. Even “Stars are Blind” was a cute song. Not Grammy worthy or anything but cute and catchy. Not that Paris is without her faults but I feel like she never made herself out to be more than she is but Kim does. If Kim would just call herself a model, I wouldn’t expect any more from her. This business woman BS gets on my nerves. She can’t form a sentence at the Sears promotional event but she’s more than a big butt and a smile, right? Wrong; anyone with a little notoriety and a bedpost that reads like the Page Six column can have a few successful products. Rant. Over.

It turns out I didn’t have to rant because Rob just goes off on Kim. He claims that doing this stuff distracted him from his schooling. Kris H. says that he should be thankful for the opportunities that he has and should stop being a brat. Rob calls Kim a brat for not wanting to stay in the presidential suite. She pipes up and claims that she wanted the smaller room. Ummm, yeah you did because you have spatial issues and OCD. It’s not because you’re freakin’ Mother Theresa! Rob says that she was disrespectful to complain about the flowers that were picked for her right in front of the employees. Ooooh, you go Rob! He says that their parents raised them better than that. I’ve never wanted to motorboat a Kardashian more than I do right now.

“…they’d be very extremely proud of me.”

Yup, she actually said that and with her eyes closed too! I’m very extremely astute and know that the tape that propelled her to fame was released after dear old dad passed away so I believe this whole picture would have turned out a lot differently with him around. Kris H. confronts Rob about calling Kim a bitch. I missed that part but I guess it happened. Okay, that’s not cool but Kris H. needs to tread lightly because they’ve been brother and sister a lot longer than Kim and Kris H. have been contagions. Kris H. confronts Rob about his behavior.

“You know how hard Kim worked to earn her money? Come down here and I’ll show you”

Rob manages to get out of the chokehold, says that he doesn’t want to end up killing Kris H. and says that she needs to stop calling him a loser. Rob says that he never went to grad school but I don’t necessarily think that that is their fault. I know that he has some obligation to the show but with all of the money they have, there has to be  away that he can pay off some university to give him another degree. Plus, a Masters is the equivalent of having one of those partially filled in order forms from a 1982 TV Guide. You know the ones for an authentic replica of the 1939 World’s Fair souvenir spoon that required 17 payments of $19.95, plus shipping & tax, no C.O.D’s? Yeah, that. I was with Rob up until then but seriously dude, when you have this much fame and access, degrees are inconsequential. A schmuck like me needs to go to grad school ASAP but I’m still banking on selling this sex tape of me and Dave Coulier to the tabs.

Kim calls Rob a dick. Rob calls Kim a dick and a whore. She claims that he is immature but she clearly started with the name calling and harassment so I’m on Rob’s side. Bruce comes out and Kim starts whining that he needs to step in because he’s the parent. Since when do 30 year olds need stepdad to step in and handle sibling fights that they initiated? She’s claiming that he’s being disrespectful but I despise when women do and say whatever they want but feel that the second a man says or does something rude, he is crossing the line. Who knew I was so Team Rob? Much like explosive diarrhea, I’m sure it’ll pass. Kris J. comes out after the argument and they discuss that Rob may be bi-polar. I don’t believe that at all. I think he’s the one human being who won’t cater to that self-centered bitch and she doesn’t know how to handle it. Imagine that. Someone pisses you off but it’s not that you are annoying or wrong; they MUST have a mental disorder! Next thing you know, Rob is running laps with goggles on like a crazed Central Park serial killer so maybe I’m wrong. He’s not the only one looking crazy though. Kris keeps dressing like a scarier version of Mrs. Roper.

“You kids ready to go to the Regal Beagle?”

Kris J. actually behaves like a mother and talks to Rob about life. He says that he wants to have a career like all of his friends, especially the ones in law school, and he feels that it is too late for him. Kris J. starts crying and says that they will figure it out so that he won’t lash out at others. I never know where to draw the line between real and fake on this show but this scene seems real. I really think that Rob is struggling like hell since his father died. It’s one thing for your dad to abandon you; it’s another for them to be dead and he was only 16 I believe when that happened. Granted, we all have issues and need to move past them but losing a parent at a young age can really mess a person up in some ways. Also, Khloe and Rob live together and we know Khloe was really close to her dad too.

That night, Kris J. tells the girls to be nice to Rob because he’s dealing with issues and they agree to do so. Kim apologizes for the argument and Rob says that he is just really tired of her always saying that he’s a loser. He apologizes for what was said too. Blah. Next, Kendall and Kylie confess to lying about Rob giving them alcohol. Kris J. is upset that it caused her to change her opinion of her son. Huh? Rob giving alcohol to his little sister’s caused her to question her mothering skills? Not Kourtney’s underage nude pictures? Kim’s tape? Khloe’s arrest? Kendall and Kylie stealing Bruce’s credit card? They tell the girls to apologize to Rob.

“Make sure you apologize to your brother or whatever. I’m still hungover from all that great beer.”

Kourtney and Kim go for a walk on the beach and Kourtney tells Kim that Kris H. shouldn’t get too involved in the siblings’ arguments. I think part of the reason Kris H. reacted that way is because he’s in the midst of these weirdoes. Where in the world is it okay to be that disrespectful to anyone let alone one’s family? Kim decides to fill Kris H. in on their family dynamic. In other words, she’ll hand him a copy of KUWTK Seasons 1-5.

Scott has two gentlemen fly out to Bra Bora to discuss business and of course they have a drink. Scott has partnered with a vodka company but the scene is really short so I guess that’s the set up for the inevitable fight that’s coming. Next, Rob goes to his parents room and the girls apologize for the beer incident. Kris J. tells them to never throw him under the bus. I don’t think they could though. Have they seen his love handles?

Kris H., Scott and Rob are hanging out on the water and Humpy threatens Rob. Kris H. is still upset about what happened between Kim and Rob and says that he will beat an apology out of Rob. Humpy tells him to keep it PG around him and Rob totally caves! He apologizes while Scott instigates from the sidelines. It was actually a little funny. Sometimes Scott gets in just the right amount of annoyance. Kim talks to Kris H. afterwards and tells him that for now, he should not get too involved in family arguments. He agrees to try to win them over before he eventually kills them all off in a murderous rage.

Rob and Kris H. play basketball which in man language is the equivalent of making out n the backseat of a Mustang. In other words, they’re BFFs now. Scott introduces Kris J. to his business partners and she is annoyed that he is doing this on her vacation. Kourtney was not aware of this and is really upset that it’s a vodka company.

“I can’t believe this! One of the guys said I look like Tom Cruise in Top Gun!”

In another boast for sloppy editing, Kourtney spots Scott and his business partners going into a meeting and Scott kind of ignores her. The only thing is, Kourtney is wearing a totally different outfit and has no braids in her hair. I guess they aren’t necessarily saying that this all happened in one day, but it seems implied to me. Then, Kris H. pranks Kim with a live crab. He chases her around with it and she’s glad that even though he’s trying to give her crabs again, she’ll go through with it if it means her family will like him.

The family goes to dinner on another island and Kris J. mentions Scott’s business venture. He gets fed up with her concern about him being around alcohol, goes outside to smoke and Kourtney follows him. I always think it’s interesting when an addict trades one addiction for another. A lot of people quit drinking but start smoking; which one is worse? There’s secondhand smoking but then there’s alcohol fueled rages. I think rages are more entertaining. You never say to friends “Hey, remember that time we smoked a bunch of cigarettes. Man our throats were sore for days!” Great stories always start with “Hey remember when we drank all that…” My vote is for alcohol! Kourtney is concerned that Scott may get of hand with his drinking and he feels like he is on house arrest with all of her rules.

“It’s all I ever hear. Scott, lie around. Scott, look pretty. Scott, spend all my money and live off my fame. It’s all too much.”

Please note, the above photo is of Scott relaxing after he left the family on the other island without a return boat. Kourtney was annoyed that he left because it was selfish. Scott states that he did it for anger management. Kourtney is furious that they had to wait 15 whole minutes for the next boat! Rich people problems. Scott feels that he’s being treated like a child but Kourtney is concerned about her and Mason. Scott thinks that that is selfish because she should be concerned about their whole family. Dear Scott, you are a fool for thinking that you will ever be more important than Mason. Kourtney ends the conversation by saying that she’s “over it.” I am over people saying they’re “over it.” It’s just the most immature phrase to me and only useful when speaking of trivial matters like nail polish, leggings and the debt crisis.

The “next day”, Kourtney is back in her braids from a few scenes ago when Kris J. first told her about Scott’s business partners being on the island. Anyway, she’s upset and hopes that won’t get out of control. Next thing you know, Kourtney is back in the outfit from the crab chasing scene. Scott and the guys are getting ready to go to the pool but Kourtney arrives and they get into some kind of argument about changing into swimsuits and Mason. Scott takes off and tells Kourtney to shut the f&*%k up while she calls him a loser. Humpy, who witnesses the whole dysfunctional thing, talks to Kourtney about calling Scott a loser. She acknowledges that he hates being called a loser but she does it because she doesn’t care. Humpy mentions that Scott is also a good father, fun to be around and a good guy. Kourtney admires the fact that Kris didn’t just agree with her and chime in on Scott’s loser-ness. Personally, I want to ram her head into a brick wall for chewing those damn chips so loudly. The funny thing is, a friend of mine sent me an e-mail about twenty minutes ago about misophonia which is extreme rage or anxiety from the sound of chewing etc…Kourtney will pay for this, mark my words. Well, It’s finally time for the vow renewal and Kris J has put on her most cowish moo-moo to commemorate the occasion.

And you thought Mrs. Roper had a hard time getting laid.

The ceremony is held outside and Bruce gives Kris a new ring to thank her for the last 20 years. He tells her to “not swear” once she sees the ring. How in the world did Bruce make it this far? After the wedding, Kris H. takes Kim out on a boat all alone. Get those milk cartons out; America’s sweetheart may go missing shortly. Kim tells Humpy that she was worried about him coming but is glad that he did. Kris J. says that she misses Khloe and then she says that she is glad Kris H. came. They all decide that he’s cute in that special needs kind of way and Rob is excited to get back to L.A. and bang the bag out of random chicks. Oh wait, he actually just said that he’s considering porn. That’s funny…in that non-funny, eerily coincidental, following in his sister’s footsteps kind of way. Kris J. says that she had a great time and forgot how fun it could be to be on a deserted island with her family. I wasn’t aware that they’d done this before. Perhaps Kris J. was channeling her inner Mrs. Howell. Damn! I had the wrong 70s sitcom.

Three weeks later, Kris H. goes golfing with Bruce and asks him for Kim’s ass in endorsements. I mean her hand in marriage. Bruce convincingly sprinkles their conversation with enough “uh-ohs” to convince me that he did NOT get the cue cards for this scene. Next time, Kim gets on Kris H.’s nerves by demanding that he get a nicer place, Kris J. gets over involved in the engagement and we get one episode closer to the season finale. Sweet, sweet release. So who was right, Rob or Kim? And what about Scott, better drunk? Has Humpy redeemed himself at all for all of his previous behavior? Do you care? See you next week for the question popping. I can’t wait to see her reaction to the ring. I’m sure it’ll be as repulsive as the earring spectacle.