KUWTK: Scott Gets His Groove Back

This week, Scott gets a little screen time and Kris continues her quest to do weird things with her children. I’ve been waiting for Scott to be a lunatic drunk again so I hope he delivers. Usually, I wouldn’t root on this type of behavior but it’s Sunday and I have nothing better to do until Celebrity Apprentice returns.

Scott appears on Fashion Police with Joan Rivers and he’s prouder than a peacock for doing something that contributes to the family coffer. They show a picture of Kim wearing this dress:

Scott comments that this dress is a little weird because it’d be like him wearing his pants zipper open.  Everyone laughs including Kourtney but Kim gets offended because she’s an insecure, self centered moron. Kim calls him a dick like three times for making a joke. There is nothing less attractive than a person who can’t take a joke, especially when she can take so many other things.

Kim: Can you guys keep it down? The 49ers are having tryouts under here.

Kris decides to take an interest in the youngest girls because 18 is right around the corner and pimping waits for no mom. The girls tell her that they take tumbling and run track and Kris can’t believe any of it. Kylie also mentions that she has a pregnant 13 year old classmate and Kris can’t believe it. Kylie asks if Kris is drunk because she’s so stunned and Kris actually has to think about it before she says no. I’m not even sure who’s more wrong in this situation; smart ass kids or possible alcoholic of a mom? Eh, can’t say that I care.

Kris stops by Kourtney’s house with leftovers the next day. That’s funny. When I get leftovers from my mom they are actually from my mom not Wendy the Chef. Kris bemoans the fact that she doesn’t know jackshit about her unprofitable daughters and Kourtney doesn’t waste any time in being as judgmental as ever. I get it because Kris has that annoying working woman syndrome but I don’t. I wish someone would take the stick out of Kourtney’s ass. No parent is perfect but these people aren’t poor and desperate to make ends meet. Kris is hustling so she can make enough money to stretch her skin tighter than a Miami Sound Machine bongo. You’d think she could spend some time learning Kendall and Kylie’s best angles for their big debut in “The Banger Sisters Part Deux.” Kourtney tells Kris to start spending time with them before they grow up and realize how sausage is made. And all of the places their sisters have put it to earn a living.

Scotty McSuit Face goes to his therapist and talks about an impending trip to Vegas in which he may have a drink or two. He’s obviously excited to start working on something other than his speech impediment but can Miss Negative Pants just be happy for him and support his quest? Nooooo. She has to get all help-y and warn him against drinking because it’s dangerous for him and his family. This freakin’ lady is the only thing that separates me and the joy that is Drunk Scott. One look at Scott though and it’s clear that he can practically feel his chest hair sprouting at the thought of downing a really strong Cosmo so I think he shan’t disappoint.

Note that he is now taking fashion cues from Kim.

Back at the house that shameless sex built, Kris tells Bruce that Kourtney said she isn’t as good a mom now as she was years ago and he agrees. Yikes! Hurry up Bruce, eat your words!

I’m eating as fast as I can.

That’s one of the worst things you could ever say to a mother! Bruce tells her that she hasn’t helped with the carpool; she’s always on her phone and doesn’t cook so they had to hire the chef. So…Bruce is banging the chef. Right? Seriously, men are weirdoes and they get really turned on by women who do domestic stuff like cooking, cleaning and raising respectful children who are grateful for the fact that they get to eat food that wasn’t cooked on an electrical fence.

Scott and Kourtney go out to eat and he mentions that she’s been bitchy lately but he never is. In fact, he says he didn’t even complain when she let her bush grow out.

At one point, I could stand these chopsticks up in it. Horizontally!

Then Scott lays the news on her; he wants to go to Vegas for this event. She’s paranoid about his drinking and doesn’t want him to go off track. Cue montage of Scott going completely off the rails. Scott says that he trusts himself and she should too cuz it’s always worked out phenomenally.

Scott: Wow, I’ve never seen a blond ATM before.

At the Jenner house, Kris longingly looks out of her mansion at Bruce, Kylie and Kendall playing in what will be their new pool. She decides to make a special effort to befriend them. As if playing double dutch in their foyer last week wasn’t enough of a kick in the teeth, this week they’ve assembled the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders to do the Souljah Boy dance for about 4.3 seconds. This is humiliating. I mean, it’s truly embarrassing. These girls are doing a dance that’s like, so old.  In fact, it’s so old that Kris joins them and actually knows it. They give her the Salahi treatment, laugh it off and run upstairs. Kris doesn’t stop there. She sprints up the steps like a woman with the bladder of a 20 year old and tries to talk to the girls about boys. Then she mentions the magic word: Beiber. She expected the girls to start convulsing like Kim did when she met him and learned how to get her pubes to do that shaggy thing his hair does but they just roll their eyes and dismiss it.

Meanwhile, Scott takes off on a private flight with his friends and they’re already popping champagne bottles. Of course, the guys all joke about the fact that he doesn’t drink and you can tell that Kourtney is concerned about the trip because she does that thing where she wears shades and crosses her arms. I truly don’t know what other way you can discern emotion on a Kardashian.

The next day/same day…I can’t tell, Kris takes the youngest girls and their friends ice skating. On the way there, they leave Kris out when she tries to fit in with their chanting and do a Chinese fire drill at a red light. My mother and aunts would do that when we were younger and it freaked me out to see adults act like that back then. However, nothing freaks me out more than the fact that these kids know what this is. I know kids that are 18 and have no idea what a cassette is. The girls think it’s weird that she’s spending so much time with them but they’re nice enough. Well, except when they locked her out after the fire drill but it wasn’t so bad. And made fun of her bladder but that was all.

Scott has landed in Vegas, ordering water and looking miserable. Scott’s asshole friend orders him a drink and Scott ends up drinking it. He really enjoys it because, well, alcohol makes everything fun. Before long, Scotty is throwing drinks back like Kim’s legs at the NBA draft.

Later on he has dinner with his bigwig friends and they’re showing some concern about the fact that he’s drinking. He starts being extra obnoxious and is demanding that one of the older dudes gets up and dances a jig for another one. Then he starts flirting and if I were Kourtney, I’d be very concerned.

Scott: I can see right down your shirt you little temptress.
Scott’s Lover: I’m also wearing Axe Body spray.

Scott: You little minx you!

Scott’s Lover: Hey, watch your hands. The 49ers are practicing down there.

Kourtney is staying at Khloe’s house because she hates staying alone and she’s panicking because Scott is sending her to voicemail and won’t text her back. Finally he calls her, makes it seem as if the guys are the only ones partying and acts like he’s just there for business. I do like his friends though. They keep their mouths shut and the liquor flowing.

Bruce has a talk with Kris and he tells her that she’s driving the girls crazy with all of her attention so she has a heart to heart with them and says that she wants to value their time together. They say they love her but they want ample notice and at least 100 feet of personal space when she’ll be around their friends. They tickle each other. When is this over?

Scott gets back home and Kourtney is thrilled to have him back. He tells her to apologize to him for her having doubts. She never apologizes…we just get the previews for next week. Hmmm, I guess we’re supposed to be on the edge of our seats. I actually am but that’s only because some of Scott’s hair gel seeped through my laptop and onto my seat. I can’t wait to see more of drunken Scotty. I mean, I’m all for not being addicted to drugs and whatnot but if he’s willing to exploit it for ratings and a paycheck, I’m willing to cheer on his descent into Celebrity Rehab. Next week, Scott plans to manage Kendall because of Kris’ neglect and we get to relive the embarrassment that Kim experienced on stage with Prince. I can’t wait because I think Khloe calls her out on her general inability to be entertaining whilst upright. I know, I know. They’re cheap shots but what else can you really say about these people? Til next week!