KUWTK: The Proposal

The season finale of Keeping Up with the Kardashians has the moment we’ve all been waiting for: we get to meet Kris H.’s sister. I know we’ve all been trying to figure out if his whole family is part Frankenstein like him or if he was he sole inheritor of that trait. We’ll soon find out. And there’s something about an engagement I think but I can’t be sure.

Grimace. He looks like Grimace!

Now that that’s been solved, Humpy has been golfing with Bruce in preparation to ask for permission to marry Kim.

You wanna take that insufferable little wench off my hands? Awesome!

Kris: “Hey son. Don’t say no to me. I’ll beat a dowry out of you.”

Bruce is all for the marriage and they head to the Jenner house to tell Kris J. about the proposal.

“Wow! I bet that you wouldn’t fall for this charade. Pardon me while I have a spiked metal bat shoved up my ass. It was a really dumb bet.”

Kris J. immediately jumps in and invites herself to dinner with Kim’s friend Jonathan. Apparently Kim’s ring designer had a harder time finishing the job than Bruce on his anniversary night so Jonathan’s bringing the ring with him from NY.

Kris H. goes to Kim’s house and they engage in more playfully frightening behavior for the cameras. Kris H. is eating a sandwich and tells Kim that if she loves him, she’ll eat the food out of his mouth. Yet another warning; he literally asks for her to prove her love for him. I know it’s a silly moment and it may be a reach, but it seemed weird. I mean I’ve made men do a lot worse for less but I’m  a girl. I’m allowed, no?

“I’m Kim and I can be fun, see? Haha! I almost ate food out of a styrofoam container. Imagine that.”

If only Johnnie Cochran and Robert Kardashian Sr. were around to see this.

Seriously, why is this kid always manhandling her? I make fun of her but I hope this is all just his clumsy way of being affectionate and two years from now we won’t have to gather for a fake luncheon to discuss what happened to that poor girl while E! scrambles to re-edit the show so they can air it and milk the tragedy for all it’s worth; not that a network would do that.

How’d that slip into a noose in there?

Both KrisH. and Kris J. or the Krissi as the fancy schmancy say, meet up with Jonathan at some name dropped hotel that I refuse to mention because I have morals…and I’m too lazy to rewind. Jonathan doesn’t have the ring because it was so valuable that a Brinks truck had to deliver it. Kris J. tries to come up with code words for the ring and the Brinks truck in case paparazzi are listening. It’s not that she doesn’t want them to have the info, they just have to get it when she says so and preferably it’ll include a check of some sort. They all botch the nickname attempt because they’re using words like “mouse” for the ring and “carriage” for the truck. If they were smart, they’d use words that they’d never forget. For example, they could call Kim’s ring “malnourished child” and call the Brinks truck “abandoned crackhouse.” Shall we?

Kris J: Kim’s malnourished child has to be in an abandoned crackhouse to get here safely.
Jonathan: I can’t focus. Some jerk told me that I look like a cross between Balki Bartokomous and the adopted kid from “Who’s the Boss”.
Kris H: I’m from Minnesota, eh?

The moral of the story is that armored guards will be used to deliver Kim’s ring to Dash while crossing guards in my city have been laid off, for real. Protect the big rock that would be useless if it weren’t for people assigning value to it, but little Johnny from the block is on his own! It’s the American way.

Kris J. goes to Dash to pick up Kim’s ring which is in a Brinks’ envelope. Khloe, the sister who can read, sees that the package is worth 2 milion dollars. Good going Brinks! Go through the hassle of having an armed guard take a LABELED 2 million dollar piece of property to a store where the only person on the clock is some desperate 20 year old who answered an ad in the back of “Backstage” to play an extra on a reality show and ended up here.  Kris J. hasn’t taken time to go over her lines for the day and is thrown off when Khloe is at the store. Khloe asks about the “shady little package” that arrived and Kris tells three different stories. Then she settles on the worst one of them all which is that the secret in the box is a surprise for Khloe. That’s messed up; that’s like teling a kid that their father is going away for a little while but is coming back with presents when you know he’s going to be locked up for like 15 years. Khloe is nervous and kind of excited that something on this show will actually be about her.

“That package is for me? The anti-Kim?”

And she’s so excited that she passes out.

She’s going to be in therapy for years when she finds out that this, along with the moon landing and global warming, was all a hoax. Kris messes up her story though and now Khloe isn’t sure if the package is for her or not. Kris scurries out of the store so she can try to hock the ring for a body lift and soul transplant. Kris tries to open the package in the car but it’s harder to open than Kim’s legs after a first date. Just kidding. Kim’s easy. The Krissi have made plans to meet on the street to exchange the 2 million dollar ring but the paparazzi have ruined that plan.

“Shoot! She’s going around the back. I brought my custom Kris Humphries elongated face lens for nothing.”

Kris J has to walk to the back of the house to give the ring to Humpy. They gaze at the ring but the rest of us are left in suspense – unless you’ve read the following publications which all included pictures of Kim’s ring: People, In Touch, Us Weekly, New York Post, Washington Post, Tiger Beat, GQ, Harriet Carter, Spiegel, and/or the Shoprite/Food Lion/Pathmark/Piggly Wiggly/Super Walmart/Kings/Whole Foods/Trader Joe’s circular.

Kim and Kris H. are at her house and Kim decides that she wants to buy Avril Lavigne’s house. That’s a sentence you’ll probably never read again. In case you were worried about Kim emasculating Humpy, you were right. She says that she’ll pay for it because it’s very expensive. Nice way to rub in the fact that her fortune dwarfs his paltry 7 figure NBA salary. When he tells her that it’d be better to pay her current house off she snottily replies that she can do it tomorrow. Dear Kris, please take Kim to Aruba for the honeymoon; they’ll never find her there. You ever notice how Kris H. laughs and then stops laughing really suddenly? It’s as if his laughs are just breaks between his homicidal thoughts. I like the way Kris has been ending conversations lately. He literally just throws Kim into an ocean or to another part of the room.

Going…
Going…
Slut pig.

Kris H. seems like an undercover fan that got in too close and tricked the whole family. I get Selena fan club president vibes from him. It’s just weird how he’s always tossing her around, grabbing her neck, trying to control her money and usage of makeup, tying to distance her from her family and trying to drown several of them on the Bora Bora trip.

On the way to the special dinner that Kris H has planned for them, which is really an engagement dinner, Kim talks a little more about Avril’s house. Wow, this girl really wants this house. What the hell? Does it come with an assortment of Sk8erbois and a lifetime supply of “Angry Teen” black eyeliner? Kris says that he has a financial plan for his life and being with her will not ruin that. Awww, I feel a little bad for him. He’s actually being responsible unlike so many athletes and this girl is pushing him to live an unwanted lavish style. They should name this “Russell Armstrong Syndrome”. It starts with Avril Lavigne’s house, grows into $500,000 children’s birthday parties and ends up with a wife with no original body parts or movable features.

Kris realizes that he’s not sure if he wants to marry somone who is so loose with money. Kim says that she can’t downgrade in New York and “it isn’t worth it” to her.

Kris H: Don’t worry sweetheart. You’ll be long dead by that time.
Kim: Huh?
Kris: Uh, I said you’ll have a long bed by that time…on account of my long legs and all.
Kim: Well, duh. I can’t downgrade my bed length.
Kris: True, but you won’t have any say over your plot size.
Kim: What?!
Kris: I said you won’t have any Seder at Josh Stein’s.
Kim: Oh yeah. They’ll have to rescehdule Passover for me. If not, I’ll just buy him and his family with all of my money.

In all fairness, Kim doesn’t want to live in Humpy’s apartment because its like a college dorm. I don’t blame her. I can only assume that all of Kim’s college applications came back with LOL written all over them; I wouldn’t want to live somewhere that reminded me of my inadequacies. Also, I am aware that LOL wasn’t popular lingo at the time so that just made the rejection weirder. She probably thought it meant “legs open longtime” and followed their advice.

Kaela, Kris H.’s sister, meets the family for dinner. They all seem to be having a good time and Kris H. finally gets up to make his toast. He toasts to hanging out with Khloe (of course), his sister being there(he actually IS the weirder looking one) and that he loves the beautiful Kim. Then he announces that he is going to pick up a piece of chicken and bite it with his mouth. That sounds almost exactly like the toast I made at my friend’s wedding last year *tear*. Kris J. questions him and he basically tells her to back off because she’s being annoying. Kris H. goes for a ride with Kaela the next day and she assures him that this marriage will be the best way for her to get her a recording contract and ensure a career for him in reality TV should the basketball thing not work out. And where is Lamar? He’s barely been around. Is he with his kids? Will the room spontaneously combust if two NBA players are in it? Do all of the men, except Bruce, avoid him because around him they automatically look douchier?

Next thing you know, Kris has sprinkled roses all over some room and they spell out “will you marry me?” Am I supposed to care or feel something? Cuz I don’t. Also, I thought that Kim had an issue with flowery items and whatnot. Anyway, Kris proposes and Kim slightly turns the box towards her to make sure that she’s not downgrading and says “yes.”

Kim and Kris H. go over to the Jenner house to anounce their engagement and Humpy says that it’s a fake ring. Then he says that it’s real. This guy is such a weirdo. The family congratulates the couple and Lamar is there! He tells Humpy that everything will be taken care of, all he has to do is show up to the wedding and then avoid this family like the plague! Then Kris J. randomly walks out with mini horses which I believe were part of the dowry and they all toast to the couple. We made it. Another season down, 87 more to go. It seems like there’ s no end in sight for these people. Next month, is the wedding special and it actually looks kind of juicy. We shall see. So what’d you think? Was the engagement emotional for you? Was Kris H. or Kim right about the house? And who was riding that mini horse?