Isn’t it nice to know that in these uncertain times of global terrorism and meteorological disasters, some people still find a way to make a difference? To bridge the gaps that divide us all? To offer a helping hand when everyone else just has a cold shoulder? No, I’m not talking about the Red Cross, silly. I’m talking about the United Summit of Alex & Alex: the most important inter-clique peace movement since the Treaty of Versailles. Yes, it was all about letting bygones by bygones on this week’s episode of Laguna Beach as the cliques came together for Laguna Aid: A Bonfire for Hope. Unfortunately, every well-intentioned peace treaty has its Gaza Strip, and in the case of the Laguna Ceasefire of 2005, our old friend Jessica managed to unravel this newly woven tapestry of love, destroying days of hard work by those plucky idealists, Alex H. and Alex M.. Man. Can’t we all just get along?The episode began with Kristin yammering away about last week as usual. “Mammoth was such a blast!” she gushed. “But poor Jessica. She had no fun.” Oh really? That’s a shock. She always seems like such a happy, carefree girl. Who would have thought she’d have her entire snowy vacation ruined by her own neuroses? Oh that’s right. EVERYONE.
Turns out Jessica was probably better off staying on the slopes (where’s she’d hopefully get frostbite… of the head) because when she came home, she learned the awful truth about her ex-boyfriend (of two months): he was dating Alex M.. (ORGAN CHORDS!!!) But even worse, according to Kristin, “now she was gonna have to see them at the bonfire.” The BONFIRE??? Not… THE BONFIRE!!! It’s only like the worst place ever to see your ex boyfriend! O-M-f*ckin-G!!!
But wait! There’s more! Kristin had one more gigantic twist in store for us: “At the same time, the two Alexes were making up.” Wait, they were fighting? How could no one tell me Roz was in a fight? That’s like a major thing. Sidekicks don’t battle masters! It’s like a small white guy starting shit up with Suge Knight. It just doesn’t happen.
Well, as the show began in earnest, we caught a glimpse of some very rare but very welcomed Alex-on-Alex action. Yes, Alex H. (or Roz, as I like to call her, in honor of her Roz from Frasier likeness) and Alex M. met at a diner to set aside whatever problems had fueled their bitter, hardly-noticed fight. Poor Roz. She seemed so sad. I don’t know why. After all, she is the undisputed queen of the intro scene. Seriously, she’s in every opening scene. I suppose it’s the producers’ way of mollifying her after her giant snub from the opening credits. Nevertheless, there was business at hand, and Roz had something important to share. “I do want to start hanging out though. Like more. If you want to,” she said tentatively. Uh oh. Was Kristin’s sidekick jumping ship? Would this be the new era of Alex and Alex? You know, Jason and Alex are Jasalex. So I guess Alex and Alex would be… uh, Alex? Or maybe Aalleexx. Or maybe Alexlex. Or Alalex. I really hope this merger never happens. It’ll totally throw off my nicknaming.
Anyway, as perhaps a way to counter the vaguely lesbianish undertones of this meeting, Alex M. then revealed that Jessica had sent her a text message, asking if she and Jason were dating, to which Alex texted back, “Yeah.” Makes sense. But we knew more drama was to come because a) Jessica was involved, and b) we quickly transitioned to Hilary Duff singing that ever-so-horrible but ever-so-perfect opening song. And just in case we weren’t sure more problems were on the way, the producers coyly named this episode, “What Goes Around…” Oooh! A dot-dot-dot! An ellipses, if you will. How very Desperate Housewives. I half expected Mary Alice Young’s annoying coy-voice to come on the soundtrack and say something like, “Yeeesss. What goes around comes around. For some, too fast. For others, too slow. But for a few unlucky souls, just on time.” We then see Teri Hatcher digging a grave or something. Aaand scene.
Now that you’ve gotten a taste of my Desperate Housewives impersonation, let’s move on. So after the opening credits, we came upon Kristin and Jessica who were talking about, you guessed it, Jason and Alex. “When I first found out, I was in class!” Jessica announced as shockwaves instantaneously rolled across America. Wait, Jessica, what is this “class” you talk of? Is that some sort of traditional rickshaw or water craft or light rail? Because according to this show and The OC, no one actually goes to “school” in Orange County. So clearly, “class” had to be referring to something else.
Nevertheless, Kristin wanted more deets from Jessica. “Who told you?” she asked.
“KENDRA,” replied Jessica. Kendra??? Oh, that BITCH! Wait, who is she?
But seriously guys, Jessica just wanted to put this all behind her. “I don’t want to get worked up over another Laguna rumor,” she said, getting worked up over another Laguna rumor. For the record though, Jasalex is a fact, not a rumor. Or as I like to say in my Schwarzenegger voice: It’s not a rooomah!
Of course, this led to the infamous Jessica text message from the opening scene, and when Alex replied to the question “Are you guys dating?” with a succinct “Yeah,” this sent Glenn Close 2005 into a furor. After all, what sort of raging bitch replies “Yeah” to a yes or no question? That would be like asking a girl her name and her giving you HER NAME! WTF??? There’s no room for logic in Laguna!
Later, at 24 Hour Fitness, Taylor hounded Alex M. (she of the bitchy “Yeah” responses) about a fresh new hickey on her neck, courtesy of Jason. You see, Jason had gotten drunk and thought Alex was Cedric and, oh never mind, it’s not important. Anyway, when the hickey discussion had run its course (no cardio pun intended), the girls set their sights on the upcoming bonfire (yay!) and how awkward it would be (boo!). Look, as long as someone falls in the flames, I’ll be happy.
Speaking of which, Kristin, Roz, and Jessica all headed out for the big Laguna détente with mixed emotions. “Are you guys excited?” asked Kristin. Um, hellloooo? The bonfire is only like the BEST night of the year! Of course we were excited!
Well, okay, maybe not all of us. Jessica wasn’t too pro-bonfizzle, but that’s only because Jason and Alex were slated to be there, and those wounds from the eight-week relationship were still fresh. Nevertheless, as a founding member of the Laguna Council for Clique Unity, Roz was ever the bonfire booster, declaring, “We can make it fun if it’s not!” Roz LOVES the peace bonfire! Hmmm… I wonder if Bono will show up? Peace Bonofire, if you will. (I know. Wah wah wah.)
Anyway, the gals all showed up on the beach and met up with various other members of the Laguna clan (no minorities allowed, thank you very much), including the always-welcomed Casey and her unique brand of beachware, a.k.a. high heels. Unfortunately, her adorable housekeeper Imelda was nowhere in sight, which meant a big nada for the fire-roasted quesadillas, or Casey-dillas as I like to call them.
It didn’t take long for the claws to come out as all the girls snickered amongst their cliques. Jessica, meanwhile, looked off into the distance, perhaps hoping her pink granny hat would shield her from the ensuing awkwardness of Jasalex. Worst peace bonfire EVER!
At least some people were having fun. Yes, Cedric was having a blast with the wieners (insert appropriate Cedric/hot dog/penis/gay comment here) while Talan marveled at the HILARious sight of his burnt hot dog. I know. The wonders of charred beef franks never cease to amaze.
Eventually, things got underway as Alex, Taylor, and their joint sidekick Morgan showed up at the peace bonfire. Oh, and that kid with the big, red hair (Darth Carrot Top, as we like to call him) was there too. Scratch what I said before. Best peace bonfire EVER!
As the flames of unity flickered in the pit, the groups seemed to mix and mingle a bit more. The invisible barriers of mistrust and resentment soon fell like the mighty Berlin Wall, especially as conversation wandered onto the always fascinating topic of sunglasses (of which nearly everyone had the same type). Just when I thought this peace bonfire — or PeaBon — was going to be an unmitigated success, disaster struck. No, the earth didn’t suddenly swallow the kids up in a Laguna sinkhole of cosmic justice. Instead, Jessica and Alex went off to have a “talk” about Jason. And by “talk,” I mean general voicing of various self-delusions.
“I was never mad,” explained Jessica. “I was extremely bummed out.” Oh, okay. That’s totally false, but entertaining, so go on: “I guess I was like really, really just surprised.” Ah, another solid dose of denial. All right Jessica. It’s the bottom of the ninth. Bases loaded. Full count. Knock this baby out of the park!!
“It takes a lot to make me really, truly mad.”
GRAND SLAM! Well done Jessica! That’s the sort of self-delusion the kids pay the big bucks for! Bravo!
Yes, it takes a lot for Jessica to get mad. This coming from a girl who probably sent a hostile missive to Coca-Cola when her 2-liter went flat. “Dear Coca-Cola: Why did you do that? I wish you’d just be HONEST with me!! I didn’t know the soda would go flat. How was I supposed to know that? YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!! And you never call! You never want to hang out!! Write me back. I love you. xoxoxoxo Jessica.”
Anyway, things got real interesting with the arrival of Jason — or “J. Wall” as he’s affectionately known by his crew. This led to many hugs and kisses with Alex, which was pretty funny because about five minutes prior, she had just told Jessica that she would never kiss Jason in front of her. Oh well. Guess the peace bonfire could only be so effective.
Oh, I’m totally cool with Jason and Alex together. They look really happy.
DON’T LEAVE ME, JASON!
The next day, Kristin and her cronies ambled through the crowded streets of Laguna, reliving all the smoky memories of the biggest and most important gathering since Live 8. “Did you guys have fun last night?” she asked.
“I had fun,” replied Roz. Well, of course you did, ROZ. You organized the damn thing. Maybe you and Bob Geldof should just go off and get married and throw activist bonfires for high schoolers all over the world.
Later, Roz noted, “It was like a little peace bonfire.” Yeah, we know. We already NAMED it for you. Nevertheless, in the wake of the awareness raised at the previous night’s summit, Kristin explained her revised opinion on Taylor. “Like Taylor, I don’t not like her. I just don’t care for her. You know?” Not really.
Meanwhile, over on the links, Talan and Cedric were passing the afternoon with a lighthearted round of golf. What is up with this episode? First we see Roz dining with Alex, then Cedric with Talan. The sidekicks are all revolting! Oh wait, false alarm. Turns out Jason was lingering just off camera. Phew. It was like waking up from a really bad dream.
Anyway, after Talan keenly observed, “You have mad facial hair, dawg,” Jason called up Jessica and invited her over to the club, much to the chagrin of his buds. Seriously, way to ruin an afternoon of golf. Luckily, Cedric and Talan salvaged what they could by making a fart noise and running around the green. Elsewhere, Alex^2 reconnected over the phone in an effort to fix what the peace bonfire could not. The two conspired to organize a dinner with each other, Kristin, and Taylor. Man, these Alexes are alll trouble. I blame Roz. Gotta keep those sidekicks on a short leash.
Back at the golf club, Jessica arrived with such excitement, you’d think she’d spent the morning boiling ten pet rabbits. She and Jason sat on a veranda of some sort, and after about two seconds of pleasantries, Jessica was already on her ex’s case, accusing him of babbling to Alex about negative things she had said in the past. Jason of course denied this vehemently (which for him meant staring blankly with a half smile and saying, “Whaa?”), but Jessica nevertheless hounded him until she had sufficiently purged herself of her daily whining. Finally, the two decided to hang out the rest of the afternoon, maybe go to the beach…
That night, Taylor had a small nervous breakdown as she fretted over her big dinner with Kristin and the Alexes. You’d think she was going on a date with Prince William with all her jittery questions. What happens if she arrives first? Does she want to arrive first? What will she say? Will she stand up? Will she wave? Will she stay seated? Will she hug? Will she turn her head 43° upon Kristin’s arrival? Or should she do a less garish 18°? How about a joke to crack the ice? Is Kristin Polish? Can she make a Polish joke? But wait, Pope John Paul II was Polish. And he just died. Too soon to be making Polish jokes? Is she going to hell? Is she going to spend eternity toiling in the hot fires of Lucifer’s domain?
Okay, Taylor didn’t go as nuts as that, but she was pretty rattled. Later, when she and Alex M. arrived at the restaurant first, she looked absolutely terrified. Eventually, Kristin and Roz showed up though, and Taylor opted to greet them with a small wave and a pleasant smile. WELL PLAYED, TAYLOR!
Unfortunately, this peace meal (pun intended) made the peace bonfire look like the freakin’ end of Top Gun as the two rival cliques barely spoke a word to each other. Luckily, Taylor finally broke the ice with a discussion of college, and for the record, Kristin was going to USC, Roz was going to Santa Monica City, and Taylor was going to Arizona. We didn’t find out where Alex M. was going though because she busy dealing with a friend on the phone who had something very important to say. Or at least text message. Turns out that Jason and Jessica were caught kissing. Dunh dunh DUNH!!! Great. Just when the peace meal was finally turning around.
“She’s an idiot,” declared an angry Roz. She HATES when peace talks get ruined! Alex M. was even more threatening in her response: “What a dumb little… Wait until she gets the wrath of Alex.” Yes, but which one??? Might Jessica be on the receiving end of a multi-Alex whooping? We can only hope.
After the commercial break, we then heard the real scoop. You see, Cammy had walked in on Jason and Jessica. Oh that Cammy. I wonder if she’s been hanging out with the mysterious Kendra too. Either way, Alex M. warned us that things could get ugly for her and Jessica down in Cabo. (Sniffing) Do I smell a Spring Break episode coming up? I’ll save you the suspense: YES. Next week.
Meanwhile, Kristin and Roz confronted Jessica about her alleged canoodling with Jason, but of course she denied everything. “Alex is not my favorite person, but I wouldn’t do that to her,” Jessica promised, adding, “What do I look like? A psycho? I mean, just because I spend upwards of six hours a night parked outside Jason’s window, monitoring his every move, soaking in his essence, sniffing the old t-shirt he left in my hamper three yeras ago, doesn’t mean I’m crazy or anything.”
Regardless of what happened though, she shouldn’t have talked to Jason in the first place, reasoned the incredibly level-headed and correct Kristin. “Don’t talk to him,” she advised. Man, I hate when she’s right. Really shakes up my world view.
As the show came to a close, Alex and Jason met up in scene so stagey, we could practically see the shadows from the cue cards. “So… what do you want to talk about?” asked Jason, the producer undoubtedly off camera signaling for “more talk!” Anyway, the maybe-couple talked about what happened with Jessica, with Alex reprimanding her man for his unfaithfulness. It would have been a pretty riveting scene, had not both kids literally had wide smiles on their faces the entire time. Finally, Alex laid everything flat on the table. “Do you want to be with me?”
“Yeah no,” answered Jason, in probably the most noncommittal response of all time. Well, maybe everyone should go to Cabo, but he should go to Costa Rica, Alex reasoned, once again exciting me for the impending Spring Break installment. And that’s where the show ended. Pretty dramatic episode. Can’t wait until next week. I wonder if any of the kids will get totally shitfaced and go Marissa-in-Tijuana wild. And furthermore, I wonder if LC and Stephen will just so happen to be down in Mexico too, coincidentally sharing the same hotel as Kristin and the girls? Stranger things have happened…
The definition of intensity.
What did you think about this episode? Anyone else feel like starting up a peace bonfire?