Cha cha cha! It’s fiesta time in Laguna Beach! This week’s episode was all about gettin’ drunk on what I imagined was Cinco De Mayo (why else would white kids throw a fiesta?), and while there was all sorts of good drama (like OMG! Kristin totally hooked up with Jessica’s crush!), the real story was watching Roz get drunk and dance around her house like a latter day Tom Cruise in Risky Business, except fully-clothed. We also learned other intriguing things about this sidekick’s personality: her shyness with boys, her love of piñatas, and of course, her deep, undying fear of WAVES. So grab some nachos and a big sombrero. In the immortal words of Lionel Richie in his seminal anthem, All Night Long, “we’re going to party, karamu, fiesta, forever!” Everyone Loves a Spicy Latina Party!Previously on Laguna Beach, Kristin explained to us that her trip up north had been a total dud. “My weekend in San Francisco was a disaster,” she said. Like, totally! Those seagulls were all like stalking you! Way to ruin a weekend, BIRDS. Actually, Kristin’s Bay Area sojourn wasn’t undermined by the gregarious larine population. (larine = pertaining to gulls. I just looked it up.) No, her trip, as you may remember, was sullied by various romantic overtures made by a horny and nostalgic Stephen, thus ruining the platonic vibe we all so expected. We did expect that, right? Of course not. Kristin voiced her disappointment: “Stephen just didn’t get it that we couldn’t be a couple anymore.” Yeah, why would he think that? It’s not like when you guys see each other, you go out on Valentine’s Day dates or anything.
Anyway, enough with the Stephen junk. No one really cares about him except the producers and his wayward sidekick, Dieter. Instead, Kristin then focused on the latest Jessica saga, which thankfully seemed more upbeat than usual. You see, she had a new crush to fixate on (Jeff, Roz’s lovable Winter Formal date), and Kristin was really happy for her. “Jessica had been through so much drama. I just wanted her to be happy.” She then added, “So I, you know, hooked up with her crush. To make her happy!” Actually, in the twisted world of Jessica, having new drama to chew on probably did make her happy. And yes, Kristin did hookup with Jeff; although, we only saw an abbreviated version in the preview. So we’ve seen Alex hookup with Jeff and now Kristin. Jessica really wants sidekick sloppy seconds?
Well, we finally moved on to the opening scene, and surprise surprise, we found Jessica reclining on the beach with Alex H. (who I call Roz because 1) I firmly believe she has a strong resemblance to Peri Gilpin from Frasier; 2) regardless of how she looks, she’s such a Roz; and 3) it’s too annoying to have two Alex’s all the time). Nevertheless, nary an opening scene goes by without our girl Roz, and even though she has yet to make it to the opening credits (can we start an online petition? Maybe get Bono working for this cause?), I think it’s safe to say that she owns the first 90 seconds of this show.
Tonight, Roz had a very thought-provoking question: “What’s that saying? It’s like don’t hate the player, hate the game? Is that how it goes?” Yes, it is. But wait, Jessica had a dissenting view. “Don’t hate the game, hate the player,” she said. No, you’re wrong bitch. Oops, I should know better. Don’t hate the player (Jessica), hate the game (general stupidity). Okay, to be fair, I suppose either expression can be applied depending on the situation. “Don’t hate the game, hate the player?” verified Roz before snipping, “I hate the f*cking game!” Whoa, simmer down, Roz! Looks like someone gets testy when her Master Kristin isn’t nearby.
Roz was still annoyed, though, as she moaned, “I don’t know how to play the game!” Of course not. That’s why you’re a sidekick, Rozzy. “I feel like every time I talk to a guy, I screw it up somehow because I’m not playing the game right,” she then said. Aww, she’s bearing her soul. It’s so sweet, so tender, so WRONG. Sidekicks are to remain silent!
Luckily, Roz made up for this transgression by hosting the famed fiesta at her house. Normally, I’d balk at the oddity of having a party at the sidekick’s house and not the Master’s, but then I remembered that duh! What Master wants to deal with all the work of a party? Clearly, this is sidekick terrain.
Anyway, as I said before, I’ll just assume this was a Cinco De Mayo celebration. Why else would these girls throw a Mexican-themed bash? Besides, it’s not like “Fiesta!” decorations are readily available at the local party store all year round. At least not in Laguna, home to .743 non-white people. I personally enjoyed the little sign hanging on Roz’s wall that said, “Happy Fiesta!” Honestly, what a stupid sign. It’s not like every time I throw a party, I put up a banner that says, “Happy Party!” But maybe I should….
Well, just when we thought this would be one fiesta pacífico, our old friend Mr. Drama had to rear his ugly head. Talan called up Kristin and asked if he could invite Morgan over. After some awkward and shifty deliberations, Kristin and Roz decided that yes, Morgan could come over, but none of the other girls. What about Casey? Surely she’d embrace this Mexican-themed shindig, especially if it meant she could bring some of Imelda’s prized quesadillas.
And because it never gets old…
Click on Casey to hear her request quesadillas…
We knew this whole invite-Morgan-but-not-the-others would lead to chaos, but for now, let’s not harsh my buzz and just enjoy this part-ay! Roz, dressed in what looked like a Gumby-green towel, poured some margaritas (non-alcoholic, I’m sure!) and announced, “Okay, we’re ready for our party.”
Meanwhile, in less interesting corners of The ‘Guna, LC was packing for a business trip up to San Fran. And of course, if there’s ever anyone packing, first rule of sidekicking is that the sidekick must observe. Because the chirpy Lo was off at college, skinny Ashlee Simpson wannabe Jen had to step up, making her first major appearance since the end of last season. The two babbled about LC’s trip and whether or not she’d see Stephen and blah blah blah just about the only thing interesting about this was seeing just how much bronzer this Jen girl was willing to spackle on her face. Literally, her face was orange, her neck was beige. Conveniently, Stephen called up to arrange dinner plans, and the longer LC talked on the phone, the more orange Jen’s face seemed to turn. She was like the long lost pumpkin cousin of Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
The Golden Girl
Over at casa de Roz, it looked like this party was finally getting into full gear. We suddenly cut to a peppy montage of all the youngsters pouring into Roz’s apparently unlocked house. Through the front door, through the side door, from the sky, from the sewers, everyone descended on this fiesta del awesome with the excited glee of children entering a toy store. I mean, everyone was there! Jessica! Cedric! Jason! It was like a convention for patterned t-shirts. Oh, and of course, Jason completely ignored Jessica, despite the presence of her always seductive lollipop. Of course, the party wasn’t complete until Talan showed up. Next thing we knew, Alex was slurring her words and asking surprisingly forward questions.
“Talan, did you lose your sidekick?” she asked. Whoa! She knows about Sidekick Theory? That’s crazy! Was she offering her sidekick services? To be fair, Talan never really had a sidekick. He’s kind of like the Murphy Brown of Masters. He just burns right through the sidekicks. Oh wait… I just realized. They were talking about T-Mobile Sidekicks. That’s not nearly as fun.
As for Jessica, she was unsurprisingly moping in the corner now that Jason had ignored her presence (he only has eyes for Ceddy. When will you learn??). Luckily, Kristin was there to be a super friend and give her a pep talk. It was a pretty sweet moment, especially because Kristin has such a wonderful way with words: “So then I was like, wait a minute. Wait a minute! You know??” Totally.
Things suddenly went from enjoyable to stupendous as suddenly a very drunken Roz flittered across the screen, shaking maracas and rocking a sombrero. “AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It’s a FIESTA!!!” she yelled. Holy shit. This is amazing. Roz unleashed. Okay, here’s the thing. What have been some of the best Laguna Beach moments? Stephen calling Kristin a slut in Cabo, Alex calling Jessica a slut in Cabo, Casey asking her housekeeper to make quesadillas, and now this, Roz drunk at her own fiesta. Lesson learned: any time these kids interact with Mexican culture, we get TV gold. Remember that, MTV.
Well, Roz may have been wasted, but she was still the hostess. “Everyone stand up out of your seats. Piñata!” exclaimed SlurryRoz. Yes, if there’s one thing this sidekick likes, it’s a good old fashioned piñata bashing. Unfortunately, she kind of forgot the whole blindfold thing, but luckily Jason was quick to improvise by wrapping a sombrero around some poor guy’s face. When later asked what he thought of the piñata, Jason replied, “Yeah, no. I guess.” He then stared blankly for ten seconds, occasionally scratching his beard and rubbing his nose.
Okay, that didn’t happen — at least, not as far as we could see. Later, things became more romantic as Roz, Jessica, and Jeff crowded together to take some photos. And look! Jessica lurves Jeff. They even posed together for a dreamy picture. Unfortunately, while Jessica and some other walked off towards the water, Kristin swooped in and began drunkenly flirting with Jeffy. One thing led to another, and suddenly the two drunkards were smooching hot and heavy right there in the open. Uh oh. Looks like this was turning into quite the fiesta escandalosa!
Unsurprisingly, when we came back from the commercial break, one of the very first things we heard was, “What a bitch!” Yes, those three Laguna outcasts, Alex, Morgan, and Taylor all played a lackluster game of pool and gabbed about the BBQ they weren’t invited to, and of course, it didn’t take long for them all to dismiss Kristin and her hookup with Jeff.
“That is so rude to do to Jessica,” said Alex, who would never do anything rude like, I don’t know, corner Jessica in Mexico and call her a f*cking ho. The speed at which these girls shift from friend to enemy and then friend again is astounding. Next week, we’ll probably see Alex playing cat’s cradle with Casey while Taylor sits alone on the curb outside.
Elsewhere, that other trio of bitches (Kristin, Jessica, and Rozzy) all met up to debrief about the big fiesta. Jessica boasted “I miss Jason, on, no, I don’t really,” which, of course, means that she does. Roz, meanwhile, was quite the firebrand. “Supposedly, Alex and Taylor were really mad that they weren’t invited,” she scoffed, as if it were totally illogical that the only three girls excluded from the fiesta should take it personally. Hey Roz, whatever happened to your peace bonfire? Weren’t you trying to be friends with these girls? I mean, you were a founding member of the Alex & Alex Peace Negotiations.
“Seriously, we don’t hang out with them,” Roz noted. Uh… except for all those times over the past three episodes when you hung out with them. Again, peace bonfire.
Conversation then moved onto more pressing matters: would the girls be heading down to San Diego to play in a wave pool. Once again, the very talkative Roz spoke up: “I’m scared of waves. Why would I want to go to a fake wave?” Well, actually, it would be better for you to go to a fake wave because there’s less risk and… Okay, I’m not going to sit here and argue with a person on my television about the benefits of a wave pool.
We then paused to throw a bone to those people who actually care about LC and Stephen, and caught up with the duo up in SF where they did all sorts of exciting things like… meet up, and…. go to dinner. Stephen announced that he’d be moving to Los Angeles where he’d take classes at Santa Monica College. We knew you’d never be able to stray from the spotlight long. Sucker. We also learned that Kristin and Roz were planning on getting a place in Marina Del Rey, and you know what that means? Time for a TVgasm stalking trip! It’s really too bad that my fascination with Roz really wasn’t fully developed that one time I ran into her and Kristin. I mean, I took pictures, so I wasn’t totally uninterested, but you know what I mean.
Later at dinner, Stephen asked LC, “What do you think would happen if me and you ever had a full-on relationship that lasted?” We could practically see her heart go pitter-pat with the suggestion. Kind of cruel since he must know how much she cares for him. Afterwards, the two wandered around the city as Journey played, and as they looked over the bay, LC asked, “Is that the Bay Bridge?” Didn’t you live in San Fran for a semester? C’mon, if you can’t tell the difference between the Golden Gate Bridge and the Bay Bridge by now, you’re a complete idiot. Sorry, LC. I like you, but, well, maybe you should take that another course at Irvine. You know, the one called “How to not be totally dumb.”
The next day in San Diego, a group of Laguners sans Roz and Kristin arrived at the wave pool to get their surf on. Because despite the endless footage of surfers in Laguna, sometimes it’s more fun to go to a fake wave instead. Cedric attempted to harness this great wave, but alas, his surfboard was whisked away faster than his anal cherry. Later, when Jeff hit the surf, Jessica squealed with delight, cheering him on from the sidelines. Wow, these two made Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello look like Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.
I feel like this is somehow symbolic of Jason and Cedric’s relationship.
Afterwards, Jessica gabbed with Alex and Taylor about Jeff, and once again, I was baffled by these girls’ uncanny ability to suddenly embrace each other as friends. I just don’t get it. Nevertheless, Alex and Taylor told Jessica that Jeff really liked her, causing her to chirp, “Really? You think? All of his friends are lie we know he likes you, he just won’t admit it, but we know he does.” Yes, he likes you so much that he hooked up with Kristin to prove it. Somehow, everyone wound up complimenting Jessica, the one-time slut, by saying, “Not only are you pretty on the outside, you’re gorgeous on the inside.” And you know what else is gorgeous? Unabashed phoniness.
What did you think about this episode? Are these girls awesomely ridiculous? Or ridiculously awesome?