Like OMG! Did you even SEE Laguna Beach last night? Alex was like “Slut!” and Jessica was like “Fine!” and Kristin was like “Oh my god” and Talan was like “Whoa” and Roz was like “Wait, what?” and Emily was like “Stop!” and Taylor was like “Alex!” and Jason was like “Huh?” OMG. So great.
Actually, what’s really sad is that that description pretty much sums up the entire episode. You know, we don’t look for much depth when it comes to Laguna Beach. In fact, we don’t look for much of anything beyond honey-dipped cinematography and mumbling conversations. So imagine my delight (and I imagine three million teenage girls’ too) when LB crossed over into Real World territory and provided us with an honest-to-god catfight. In Mexico! Viva La Guna!The episode started on an encouraging note. In the “Previously on Laguna Beach,” Kristin announced, “We were all SOO over Jessica’s issues.” Hallelujah! Now we’re talkin! The once-annoying now-cool narrator then went on to say that everyone was heading down to Cabo San Lucas for Spring Break, and all Kristin wanted to do was stay away from Jessica and hang out with Talan. Oh, and did we mention Alex M. would be along for the ride too? Yup, tonight would be drama central, and I couldn’t be happier.
We then moved into Kristin’s house where she packed up while Roz dependably sat on the bed, looking bored. “Okay, so you know how last year was ‘Whatever happens in Cabo, stays in Cabo?’” Roz asked, continuing, “That doesn’t ever really like work.” Yeah, especially when MTV’s documenting your every move for the entire nation to enjoy. Kristin had a different response:
“Especially when your whole f*cking school goes to the same place for Spring Break.” Or… like I just said, IT’S ON TV. Funny, when I was in high school, the biggest place to go for Spring Break was, um, the local diner. But anyway, Roz had more to say: “I want to hang out with Alex and Taylor.” She LOVES the peace!
Kristin then asked the question on everyone’s minds: “Who do you think you’re gonna hook up with?” Um, hello?? This is Roz we’re talking about. I believe her heart belongs to one man and one man only: Dr. Frasier Crane, of course! Duh. Will Kristin ever learn?
After the opening credits, we then ventured to Jason’s house which was surprisingly modest. It even had a white, picket fence. Shut up, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. Anyway, inside this model for domestic bliss we found Jason packing up his belongings. But wait! He wasn’t going to Cabo. He was headed to Costa Rica with his family. Wait! So you mean a parent actually denied a teenager the right to bask in unmonitored hedonism and bacchanalia in another country? This makes no sense! Parents aren’t supposed to exercise any sort of parental control over their kids in The ‘Guna! Boo Jason’s parents!
Perhaps the only person sadder than Jason was Cedric who would be down in Mexico sans Master. Luckily, he did have these few precious moments with his Jason as he watched him pack up in his bedroom. Apparently this is a mandatory event in Laguna. Sidekicks MUST watch their masters pack. Luckily, the scene was relatively short, but we did learn that Jason and Alex are “gonna chill.” We could practically feel the joy quietly pulsating through Cedric. No one comes between Jasedric. No one. (Or is it Cedrison?)
And finishing off the luggage montage were Alex M. and Taylor, who packed together — their joint sidekick Morgan S. was shockingly nowhere to be found. Must have been caught in Laguna traffic. The two bitched about Jessica, who, you might remember, hooked up with Jason last week. “It’s like a code,” said Taylor. “You just don’t hook up with your friend’s…” “Boyfriend!” finished Alex M. To be fair, the full, unabridged code is “You don’t hook up with the boyfriend of your friend who stole that boyfriend away from you when he was in fact still your boyfriend.”
Anyway, the gals all headed off to Cabo, and first to arrive were the royal couple, Kristin and Roz who quickly marveled at the Cabo resort. “Will you look at this paradise that we’re in right now?” asked Roz. Actually, all we could see was a big pile of luggage. Hey, maybe that’s paradise to Roz. Her heart probably goes pitter-patter every time she spots a Samsonite catalog.
Next to show up in Cabo were Jessica and her quasi-sidekick Emily — a plain girl who just wanted to enjoy her trip to Mexico. “This is a Jason-free trip!” chirped Jessica. Okay, well, then STOP MENTIONING HIM.
Meanwhile, over on the beach, the kiddos were having all sorts of fun. Roz and Kristin enjoyed some tasty tropical beverages while Cedric and Jeff — a.k.a. Darth Carrot Top — checked out the waves. Also in tow was Sam, who was described as “Kristin’s crush.” And if you were excited to see this romance develop, well, then you’ll have to wait because that was the last we saw of Sam this episode. As for Jessica, well, she had changed into a booby-licious bikini and was chillin’ poolside instead. Heh. Poolside is for loosers. Clearly it’s all about the beach.
Well, the party really started once Alex M. showed up with her posse of Taylor and Morgan S. The embittered girl walked out to the pool and said hi to everyone but Jessica and her boobs. WELL. This was no good! Feeling the need to complain some more, Jessica pulled Emily away from the pool and to the local nail salon where they could gab some more. I have to admit, I felt really, really badly for Emily. No, not because she was stuck with the whiney, nutso Jessica. But because this girl finally was getting some decent time on camera, and, well, she had some bad acne going on. You know that she spent last night hiding under a pillow. Memo to Emily: it’s okay. We like you. We understand the plight of bad skin. You’re welcome here at TVgasm.
Of course, this show wasn’t about Emily and her dermatological woes. It was about Jessica‘s instead. “Look at my neck. I look like I have a birthmark,” she said as she examined her hickey. Meanwhile, poor Emily was probably trying to put a ski-mask over her facial blemishes, and Jessica’s complaining about this shit? I mean, c’mon. What’s especially sad is that despite Jessica’s complaining, she undoubtedly loved her hickey, which, by the way, was HUGE. This stupid bitch. How could she lie to Kristin last week and say she didn’t hook up with Jason and then walk around Cabo with a welt the size of a football on her neck? Furthermore, how can I actually care so much about this? I’m very sad for myself. Very sad indeed.
Nevertheless, Jessica then tried to play down the Jason hookup. “It’s not like it meant anything,” she remarked, adding, “Just because I’ve been talking about it nonstop for the past week and it’s all I think about and it’s all I ever want from life and if Jason doesn’t speak to me in the next five minutes, I might throw myself into the ocean and martyr myself in the name of love, that doesn’t mean it meant anything. You’re so stupid, Emily. That is your name, right?”
Later, we were treated to that most wonderful of things: the Cabo montage! Yay! Girls playing in the pool! Girls going down slides! Girls not hanging out with Jessica! And yes, in case you couldn’t tell, the pool was the new beach. Beach was sooo five minutes ago. Anyway, that night, we witnessed the odd sight of all the Laguna girls waltzing down the beach — and, is that… an ethnic girl? Right there in the background! Why yes, it is! It’s Cammie! Wow. I hope you all saw her because she was gone in about half a second. And rightfully so! Laguna Beach is for white people only! Geeez…
Well, the reason why everyone was walking along the beach all dressed up was because everyone was enjoying a big group dinner. At a random, perfectly sized table. On the beach. No, this wasn’t arranged by the producers at all! Anyway, the kids all gabbed and laughed and got drunk, especially Talan who was all over Kristin. Luckily, wee Morgan S. was there to ruin the moment as she yelled, “Talan!!! Doesn’t Kristin look hot? Because she’s wearing all my clothes! Ha ha ha!” Shut up, you stupid bitch. Keep your inane comments to yourself.
Later, at the club with a bottle full of bub, Talan tried to make his move on Kristin, but it was hard to tell what was going on. Either way, I thought it was remarkably sad that Lindsay Lohan might actually be sloppy seconds to Kristin. (Yeah, Talan and Lindsay dated.)
The next morning, it was Nature Day as Roz and Kristin sat on the beach and observed the waves with great astonishment. Kind of made me think. How awesome would it be if Roz and Kristin hosted a nature show on Discovery? They could go into the wild and have mindless patter. Of course, Roz would ask all the questions (“So, what do you think about that monkey?”) and Kristin would provide all the answers (“Oh my god. I’m like so over it. I don’t know. You know? It’s cute, but like, I mean, whatever. You know?”).
Elsewhere on the beach was Jessica walking alone with her cell phone. And you know what that means. You guessed it: she called Jason. Yeah, this is just pathetic. She not only called him when on the ski slopes, but now she’d dialed his number from MEXICO. But seriously, this was a Jason-free vacation.
Of course, Jason didn’t answer the call, so Jessica was left with nothing to do but leave one of those faux-casual, quietly needy voicemails: “Jason, it’s Jess. I was just calling to see what you’re up to. Just wanted to see how you’re doing; so give me a call back.” She then added, “PLEASE! PLEASE!!! CALL ME!!! I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!!!”
Poor Jessica. This really was turning out to be a bummer of a vacation for her. She clearly wasn’t having as good a time as Alex and Taylor who had just gone down the slide for the umpteenth time. Yay gravity! Later, after the thrill of the nine-foot water slide had run its course, Taylor asked Alex if she had been thinking of Jason. The answer, unsurprisingly, was no. “It’s easy not to think of guys when you’re down here having fun,” Alex replied, thus reminding us that she has what I like to call “a healthy, normal outlook on life.”
Well, Jessica wasn’t having fun in Cabo, and thus by Alex-logic, her thoughts were plagued with Jason drama. Here’s the big question: Was she thinking of Jason because she wasn’t having fun? Or was she not having fun because she was thinking of Jason? Or, actually, option C: is she just a total idiot? I choose all-of-the-above, with a heavy emphasis on option C. Yes, sourpuss Jessica couldn’t wait to go home, and as she sat with Cedric and Emily, she complained and complained. You know, because vacation is about Jessica, not anyone else. It didn’t seem to affect Cedric’s time though. “I love this place,” he said, adding, “If only I could share it with Jason. We could walk along the beach at sunset. Cradle each other in our arms. Feel the gentle caress of flesh on flesh. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say that out loud?”
Actually, Ced didn’t say that, but that’s because he hardly could get a word in edgewise. You see, Jessica was now complaining about Alex and how much she wanted to beat her up. Alex beating Jessica up, that is. Not the other way around. As Jess continued to victimize herself, she went on a little tirade, saying, “So it’s like okay, hit me. Then what’s that going to solve? I’ll have a black eye, and then I’ll just be really cute. It can match my hickey. It’ll be really hot.” To which Cedric simply turned to Emily and asked, “What the hell is she talking about?” You know, this Cedric fella ain’t so bad.
That night, everyone went to the club again where Roz got down and dirty with her bad self. Ah, but this scene wasn’t about Roz doing the Peri Gilpin dance. No, shit was about to go down. That’s right. Alex and Jessica were in the same club. Fight! Fight! Fight! Okay, here’s the deal. Everything happened so quickly that I couldn’t even attempt to give you a detailed transcript. Basically, Alex wanted to take Jessica down, but peacemaker Emily pleaded, pleaded for Alex not to do anything because it would ruin her vacation. Poor Emily. Why do I feel so badly for her? Well, Alex tried to heed Emily’s words, but c’mon, since when does a non-opening credits person ever hold sway over anything? Soon, we found Alex and Jessica outside of the club, full on yelling at each other, Real World style. And man, it was great. Alex was going nuts. Jessica was going nuts. Emily was practically crying. Finally, Alex asked, “Are you a slut? Yeah, I think you are.” Oh no she di’int! But wait, it got better. When Jessica asked what she could do to make Alex feel better, Alex said she wanted her to admit she was a slut. And so Jessica said “I’m a slut,” which caused Alex to stare for a few seconds and then break into a sly and condescending smile. “How low are you, dude? You are one low chick,” she said coolly. Ouch. First she makes Jessica say that she’s a slut, and then she busts her for having no backbone. It was evil. And by “evil,” I mean “awesome.”
Well, the next day, it was time to recap the previous night at the breakfast table. Wearing straw hats and oversized sunglasses, the gabby group of Alex M., Taylor, Kristin and Roz (yay inter-clique peace!) relived the whole fight, and I was especially amused by Alex’s impersonation of Jessica. It was so good, she even had to take off her sunglasses to execute it. And as we know, once those sunglasses are on, they NEVER come off.
Meanwhile, holed up in the hotel room was Jessica and her beleaguered Emily as they too babbled about the previous night. Jessica, of course, explained the whole thing in vivid detail, and Emily looked blankly at her, as if to say, “Yeah, I know. I was there, dumbass.” Finally, Jessica wrapped up her diatribe by ironically noting, “No Jason, right?” To which Emily retorted, “There’s never going to be no Jason in your book.” “Why do you say that? …There can be no Jason. Shut up. God. There will be no Jason,” replied Jessica. Yeah, no Jason. Except his name was just mentioned four times in the last five seconds. But seriously, no Jason.
Well, all good things must come to an end, and that even includes Cabo. The girls all returned home to that most ghetto of small towns, Laguna Beach, and of course, the drama continued. Alex drove around with some girl named Courtney whose defining feature was having the voice of a 42-year-old chain smoker. The two talked about the whole Jason thing, and that’s when Courtney just happened to mention that the hirsute boy was at the park shooting hoops with his boys. Well, let’s go visit him, shall we?
Sure enough, Jason and Cedric and some other were playing a fierce game of “Horse” when the girls showed up. Alex asked to speak to her man real quickly, but surely she didn’t realize that this was Game Seven of the West Coast Horse Championships. That’s why Jason insisted on taking just a few more shots before having the big “talk.” Luckily, Alex is not like Jessica, and could read through the lines. Still, she later told Jason “I still have feelings for you.” To which he said. Uh… nothing. Yes, in classic Jason style, he just stared blankly, muttered a few errant syllables and smiled. Unlike Jessica, Alex didn’t whine or complain. She simply said, “You know, you can always call me sometime,” which actually prompted a response from Jason who said, “I’ll call you.”
Jason’s most expressive moment EVER.
And so ended this most eventful of ‘Guna episodes. Looks like Alex and Jessica both lost out. But we all know who the big winner was: Cedric. And the viewers. Good times on Spring Break. Whatever goes on in Cabo… is awesome.
What did you think?