OMG! Valentine’s Day may have been last week, but tonight’s episode of Laguna Beach was like totally all about love! New relationships were formed, old ones crumbled, and like Cupid’s arrows were totally flying all over the place. First Derek asked Tessa out on a date, and he was like “Have you ever been to Mosun?” and she was like “No,” and he was all, “You have to go to Mosun.” And then later, Cameron was like “Why are you flirty fighting?” and Jessica was like “You have no argument,” and Kyndra was like “I’m bored,” and Cami was like “Ew! Eat and conquer!” and Rocky was like “They’re jealous!” and the saleswoman was like “That’ll be $4,000″ and Emily was totally, “I’m spilling everywhere!” OMG! Drama!This week’s show began with Tessa telling Chase about her upcoming date with Derek, whose previous claim to fame had been announcing his intent to develop his abs, let alone a decent tan. Tessa revealed that she really liked Derek and was all excited for dinner and everything, but I couldn’t help wondering if she had broken the news to Rocky’s parents. Looks like they’d be watching Silkwood alone tonight.
Of course, since this was a first date, Tessa was feeling nervous about the situation, but Chase calmed her down with some sage advice. “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “Just be yourself. Be mellow.” And BORING (what? He said she should be herself).
Chase then told Tessa that he approved of Derek, as opposed to some of the other guys she’d dated. He said her previous beaus had been “duds,” but honestly, it’s not like she has a plethora of non-duds to choose from. She’s in Laguna Beach, home of ugly t-shirts, dumb hair, and monosyllabic males. And that includes you, Chase.
We then cut to the opening credits, and afterwards, we learned the title of this episode: “First Date, Last Date.” Ouch. That didn’t sound promising for Tessa’s burgeoning romance. We then headed over to the Koffee Klatch where Jessica was grabbing a Koffee with her old friend Emily, a pleasant girl from last season who was probably most famous for trying to mitigate a fight down in Mexico. Anyway, Emily made her auspicious, long-haired season three debut by spilling her coffee everywhere throughout the Klatch. I mean, we didn’t actually see the spillage, but as she made her way to the table, she complained that she was making a mess. DRAMA!
“Sometimes I wish I could be like Jessica and never spill my coffee…”
But enough about Emily and her inability to efficiently transport coffee. She’s a sidekick, and in that role, it was her duty to ask questions. First up, she wanted to know how Europe was. Jessica said it was okay, but then she came home to nothing but drama. Shocking. Jessica immediately complained about Kyndra and how she had hooked up with Cameron during winter formal. She then ranted, “She’s so stupid. She’s SO stupid. She hooks up with Cameron while she’s going out with Tyler, trying to pursue Cameron. It’s like why? So you can have drama in your life and have something to talk about? Like, is your life that like boring that you need to find something to talk about?” Wait, I’m confused. Was she talking about Kyndra or herself? Or any other girl in Laguna?
Ultimately though, Jessica managed to state one thing that I heartily agreed with: “She’s [Kyndra] just a fake, stupid, two-faced bitch who’s ugly and uses that to raise her self-esteem.” Preach it, sista!
It was Emily, however, who spoke the most searing truth: “All these little girls are like — dumb.” Indeed they are. That’s why we tune in every week.
We then traveled over to Nick W.’s house where he and Cameron were playing ping-pong… outside… in the middle of what looked like the road. Kind of dangerous, but I guess that’s how the ‘Guna kids roll. I also noticed what seemed to be parking spots marked in front of NIck’s house. It had me wondering if maybe Nick lived in a condo, which then had me wondering if Nick was — dare I say it? — less wealthy than his buddies. No way. That could never happen. However, it might explain his eagerness to be the world’s greatest sidekick.
Anyway, as the guys hit the ball back and forth, Cameron complained about Jessica. “She’s fun to hang out with,” Cam said, “But she always thinks that I’m hooking up with a bunch of girls.” Um, that’s because you are. Nick tried to put a positive spin on it by calling Cameron a Mack Daddy, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. Eventually, conversation merely returned to the action of the game, with Cam saying, “I’m moving you around the court like Agassi.” Last time I checked, Agassi wasn’t playing so hot anymore (and he retired), but that’s neither here nor there. I think it’s a great little facet of their sidekick/Master relationship that Nick sucks so royally at every sport he and Cameron play together (ie. basketball from a week or two ago).
At one point, Cameron joked, “C’mon Kournikova!” To which Nick replied, “Hey, she’s a hottie, man!” Of course, his inner-monologue probably went something like this: “Does that mean that Cameron thinks I’m a hottie? I think it does! Wait ’til I tell my diary!”
Elsewhere in Laguna, Tessa was getting her makeup done by none other than Raquel, who simultaneously chirped about Derek and how he was a gentleman and a sweetheart. Still, just in case the date went sour, she recommended that Tessa pretend that she had cramps as an escape route. Guys won’t want to talk about it, she reasoned. What Rocky doesn’t know is that Derek LOVES discussing cramps. He’s even a member of the Yahoo Group “Cramp Discussion: A forum for cramp-related stories.” I think he might be a moderator.
Okay, I’m just kidding. Who knows what groups Derek’s a member of. All I knew was that he showed up at Rocky’s house to pick Tessa up (no one ever deigns to visit Tessa’s house), and lo and behold, he really dressed up for the occasion. I mean, he actually tucked in his t-shirt! Who said that the Laguna kids had no class? Feh!
With romantic music playing on the soundtrack, the two lovebirds headed to a sushi restaurant called Mosun, which apparently had Derek’s “most favorite” sushi ever. Yay! I just hoped there wasn’t any of that dreaded foie gras on the menu. That would be a travesty!
Well, once they were seated at their table, Tessa told Derek to order for her, and I hoped the first thing he asked for was a napkin so she could spit out that damn gum she was chewing. Wrigley’s + california roll = bad Mosun experience. Nevertheless, Derek asked Tessa what she liked, and she answered, “crunchy roll things.” Yes, crunchy roll things. Or as I like to call them, “Crunchy rolls.”
After ordering, Derek then began probing Tessa with various questions, including what the hell this sickness was that she always alludes to. Turns out the internet rumors were true. Tessa revealed that she had an allergic reaction to medicine, and while she didn’t go into the specifics, the reaction apparently made her skin look pretty gnarly, as the Laguna kids are wont to say. After the hospital, some of Tessa’s old friends (Kyndra, Cami, etc.) saw her, but then they stopped calling her, the implication being that they were so appalled by her appearance that they couldn’t bear to be seen with her. This brings up an interesting tidbit which I may or may not have already shared: someone that I know has a son who went to Laguna high school. He said that Kyndra and Cami used to both be really fat. So we can only imagine how excited they were when one of their pals finally wound up uglier than them. By the way, Tessa neglected to mention the other obvious reasons why Kyndra & Co. stopped calling: they were jealous on account of Tessa being a “model” and having dated Cameron.
Nevertheless, Derek applauded Tessa’s bravery in the face of such bitchiness. “You’re a strong girl, Tess,” he said woodenly. Meanwhile, over at Ti Amo Ristorante, Jessica and Cameron were having a significantly less enjoyable time. Cam asked her if she wanted to “hang out” (ie. have sex) after dinner, but Jessica then joke-attacked that he’d then go to a rager and hook up with other girls. When he tried to deny this charge, Jessica said that he had no argument, and of course, this then turned into an argument over whether or not he had an argument. It was very meta.
Soon, we got to the heart and soul of what was bothering Cameron as he complained, “You’re never home. You’re off doing God knows what in Europe.” Wow. How very Edward Albie all of a sudden! Shockingly, Jessica actually served as the voice of reason in this conversation as she stated, “You don’t say the things that you say to me and then go and hook up with someone right afterwards. You just don’t. It’s not right.” Well, confronted with her logic, Cameron had no choice but to bare his giant teeth and attack back.
“You’re totally flirty-fighting with me right now, and I’m like over it,” he said. He wasn’t necessarily wrong on that point, but he was conveniently avoiding the issue. By the way, ‘flirt-fight’ is my new favorite term. I’m totally gonna try to use it as soon as I can.
Back at Mosun, Tessa’s date was continuing to hit new highs at every corner. She gushed that the sushi was the best she’d ever had — a crunchy roll like none other! Afterwards, as the two exited the restaurant, Derek announced, “We’re gonna go and hang out.” I love when people say they’re gonna hang out when they’re already hanging out. Just say that you’re gonna go make out now. We all know that’s what you’re planning on doing.
“So… are you going to mention my tan?”
After the commercial break, we were treated to a trio of dumb scenes. First, Cam talked to Nick W. about Jessica and how he wasn’t that into her anymore. Then Jessica talked with her friend Dianni about meeting Cameron in the park to talk about their relationship (last time they met at the part, it was cute. Now, not so much, she explained). And then completing our triad of idiocy were Tessa and Rocky, who walked along the beach and talked about the magical night at Mosun. Blah blah blah. Moving on…
We then headed over to a boutique called Meeschka, and before we even saw who was shopping, we just heard a voice say, “Ugh! That’s super cute!” Hmmm… Could it be Kyndra and Cami? Yes indeed! The two were browsing for clothes, as usual, and at one point, Cami tried on a hoodie sweatshirt because “I’m getting a little hefty these days.” She then paused for a reaction — you know, probably hoping that Kyndra would say “No, you look fine,” but of course, since Kyndra is a self-obsessed earwig, she ignored her friend completely.
Soon, conversation drifted onto the topic of Derek and Tessa. Cami absolutely couldn’t believe that the two were dating, and furthermore, since “those guys” were always talking shit about all “those girls,” she didn’t understand why they were now all hanging out together. I’ve got an idea. Maybe the guys realized they didn’t want to waste every weekend with obnoxious whores.
Cami then rung up all her purchases, which came to nifty total of $4,285. You know, pocket change. How about she puts some of that money towards a book, preferably one about how to not be a total IDIOT.
Over at the park, Jessica and Cam convened for their special “meeting.” Things started off awkwardly enough as they bantered back and forth about nothing in particular. Once again, Jessica wowed me by showing flashes of maturity, but then again, I guess it’s not so hard to look full of wisdom when you’re interacting with Cameron and his crew. Anyway, it seemed like the two were breaking up, but I couldn’t be positive from the getgo. Cameron tried to put it all on Jess, especially when he said, “I don’t want you to miss out on any opportunities.” THANKS. How thoughtful of him.
Ultimately, however, he mumbled “I just, like, I don’t know. Our relationship doesn’t need to be (mumble).” And just like that, it was over. The two sat wordlessly on the picnic table, a thousand miles between them. It was like Ingmar Bergman himself were directing a reality show.
After the commercial break, which featured a rather dumb promo for The Real World: Denver, we then found Derek, Cameron, and Nick skateboarding down a street, talking about how excited they were for some upcoming barbecue. “I’m psyched on wieners, dude,” Cameron said, possibly exciting Nick W. for one fleeting moment. The guys then wound up back at the very same park where Cameron had broken up with Jessica, and just like that scene, they all took a seat atop a picnic table. The conversation focused on Derek and his new girlfriend (Tessa). He said said he didn’t like all the gossip and talking that goes on behind your back in a relationship, causing Cameron to endorse the bachelor lifestyle. Amusingly, Cam then announced, “I never went out with Jessica.” Huh? You just broke up with her AT THAT VERY TABLE YOU’RE SITTING ON!
“Guys, this is the life: sitting on a picnic table. Does it get any better? I think not!”
Nick and Derek ragged on Cameron for his total denial of the situation, and he later observed, “At least I took the initiative and ended something that wasn’t working.” He then added, “Yes, I ended the relationship that I never had. I sure dumped my not-girlfriend!”
Elsewhere in town, Raquel and Tessa hung out and talked about the upcoming barbecue. The girls babbled about Kyndra and Cami and what their reactions would be to them entering “their turf.” Tessa expressed anxiety about the girls trying to sabotage her relationship with Derek, and Rocky marveled at how some people in this world could be so malicious. Kind of makes you want to just stay home and watch Proof with Rocky’s parents.
Later that night at Derek’s barbecue, Kelan once again manned the grill, earning high praise from resident gourmands, Kyndra and Cami. Cameron also flipped burgers on the grill, asking his buddies with a naughty smile, “Can I do you for some meat? Any of you guys?” Poor Nick W. His hand was probably halfway in the air before he realized this may have been just a joke.
At one point, a hoarse Kyndra asked, “What time is Tessa coming?” causing sidekick Cami to scoff, “EW!!” Seriously, I know you don’t like her, but relax. It’s not like she’s a walking tub of lard.
Well, Kyndra and Cami complained about Tessa’s tardiness (since when did they care?), saying that she was not longer fashionably late anymore. Similarly, I guess now would be a good time to mention that Kyndra and her chronic use of leopard skin prints was no longer fashionably, er, fashionable.
Sure enough, Tessa arrived moments later, and as soon as she sat down, Kyndra announced, “This is boring. You want to go?” Wow, looks like somebody was heading out fashionably early. When the guys asked why they were leaving so quickly, Cami answered, “We come, we eat, we conquer.” She then added, “But mostly we eat. A lot. Do you happen to have any marshmallows?”
As the girls left, they snickered about Tessa to each other, with one of them saying, “She literally has the personality of a wet rag.” You know, that may be right, but she’s our wet rag, and you bitches better be quiet about it. And at least she doesn’t have the personality of an anteater with intestinal malaise.
Meanwhile, the guys couldn’t believe that Kyndra, Cami, and Nikki would just eat and run. “It’s like, have a little class, man,” Cameron said. Sorry, Cam, but I’m pretty sure the words “class” and “Kyndra” don’t mix.
Well, with all the girls gone, it was just the boys and Derek and Tessa. “Awkward…” Nick said, rather truthfully. Amazingly, he wasn’t referring to Derek and Tessa. Instead, he was talking about the sensation of standing just a heartbeat away from one’s Master. So awkward, so electric.
Soon, Raquel showed up at the party, happily observing, “Oh, it’s a boy-fest.” Please, the proper term is “sausage-fest,” and given what was apparently on the menu, this would have also been a delightful pun. Oh, how you dropped the ball, Rah-kwell. The guys all asked her if she wanted food, but she spurned the offerings, saying that she had just dined at Happy Sushi. What? Not MOSUN? Heathen!
For whatever reason, all the guys then disappeared to the kitchen or something, leaving Rocky and Tessa to chat by themselves. Tessa then revealed that she was kind of sad because she knew Derek’s friends ragged on him for having a girlfriend, but Raquel told her they were just jealous. “This is like the beginning of a huge adventure,” she said. And with that, Guster suddenly came on the soundtrack and the show ended.
What did you think about the episode? Do Derek and Tessa have a future? Is this truly the end of Cameron and Jessica?