Like OMG! There was so much scandal on Laguna Beach last night! Kyndra and Cami totally crashed Raquel’s party, and then like that girl Stephanie called Cami dirty and then Kyndra made her cry and like Alex showed up and he was totally hot! But then it was like officially the lamest party ever, which was totally random, but like Kyndra had an awesome party at her house the next night and Cami was like “Did you hear what that girl said?” and Kyndra was like “Not again!” and her mom was like “I need to give Chloe a bath!” and Cameron was like “Don’t talk to me that way!” and Lexie was like “Rocky’s boyfriend is so hot!” and Tessa was like “Let’s watch Cinderella man!” It was so standard.
Yes, it was a tale of two parties in tonight’s Laguna Beach as gossip and scandal and tales of dirtiness tore at the social fabric of the community. With the Holidays descending on the beachside locale, the whole gang was supposed to celebrate with good cheer and merriment, but wouldn’t you know it? The Wicked Witch of the ‘Guna flew in on her broomstick and managed to make one girl cry, one boy bolt, and one sleepy show laughably awful, as usual. I’m talking about Kyndra, of course, and she was in typical bitchy form. Along with Cami (who never saw a camera she couldn’t pander to), the two queen bees of Laguna managed to be the grinches of this Christmas spectacular. They spent so much time trying to tear poor Raquel down that they completely missed the joy of the holidays: like totally kissing under the mistletoe! But not with each other! Ewww! Gross!As usual, this week’s show started with nasally, mousy narration from Tessa, who was still bemoaning her realization that the band was more important to Chase than she was. Yes, it’s hard to believe that wouldn’t be entranced by Laguna’s very own version of Hello Kitty, but alas, such was the way of Chase. So for now, Tessa had to busy herself as official Christmas elf, helping Rocky hang various Christmas lights on her deck. Easier said than done. Turns out that the mere act of plugging an array of light bulbs in required a keen knowledge of electronics and spatial orientation. Just ask Rocky, who managed to put the Christmas lights up backwards “again.” This of course begs the question: how many Laguna girls does it take to plug in a light bulb? Two. One to plug it in, and another to ask expository questions before staring off into space with music playing enigmatically in the background.
Anyway, as the girls erected this eighth wonder of the holiday decorating world, Raquel asked Tessa how her dinner with Chase went. You know, the one where she had ordered a rare fish called tuña (pronounced “too-nya”). Tessa merely shrugged and squeaked that “we’re better off just being friends.” That was good, considering they weren’t actually dating in the first place. That is, unless carrying on terminally boring conversations qualifies as romance these days.
Sadly for Tessa, any hopes of reversing the state of Chase affairs was dashed when she then revealed that the hirsute rocker would not be able to attend Rocky’s annual Christmas party. He had band stuff — you know, an important gig at the town gazebo.
Well, speaking of the Christmas party, Rocky revealed that unlike previous years, she didn’t send official invites out. She merely let news spread word of mouth. That being said, she then said she didn’t expect Kyndra to show up because she wasn’t invited. Well, yeah. She wasn’t invited because you didn’t send invites out. Funny how that happens.
We then segued into the opening credit and learned that this week’s show was called, “We’re Gonna Crash A Party!” I would have preferred a more holiday-themed title. Maybe something like “Rocky Got Run Over By A Reindeer.” And of course, the reindeer would be an allusion to Kyndra, on account of her doe-like appearance/intelligence.
Anyway, we were then greeted by the sounds of a punk Christmas carol — how very subversive! — and in some boutique in town, Kyndra and Cami talked about Kyndra’s upcoming Holiday party. They both agreed that Jessica would not be invited, and then Kyndra said, “Let’s go through the list: Derrick. Matt–”
“Kelan,” Cami said, regretfully interrupting her Master. Silly girl. She should know that no sidekick can cross such a boundary.
“NO! Let ME do it!” Kyndra snapped, keeping her sidekick in check. She then rattled off her party list: “Derek. Cameron. I love that guy.” And that was it. Two names. Good thing she insisted on doing it herself. Cami would be incapable of handling such an extensive list.
But there was still one lingering, pressing question: “What about Lexie? I like Lexie,” Kyndra said as Cami emphatically agreed. Let it be heretofore known: Lexie has been approved! She is LIKED!
With this rigorous exercise complete, Kyndra then proposed a new activity: “Let’s go get a coffee or something. I’m tiyad.” To which Cami replied, “I’m freezing.” Bitch, it’s Southern California in December. That means it’s, what? 65 degrees? And let’s not forget they were inside. Damn you, Cami, and your weak threshold for cold temperatures!
As the girls trekked up the street in search of warm fluids, Kyndra then talked about crashing Rocky’s party, despite the fact that they hadn’t been officially invited. Never mind that the two just created a list for their own party so as to keep crashers out. Apparently, only she’s allowed to crash people’s parties and not the other way around. I will say this, however: I wouldn’t want Tessa and her cloud of suck to show up at my party either. And I’m saying this despite my sheer love for entertaining guests who speak in squeaks and cutesy phrases.
Elsewhere in town, Cameron and his nameless buddies were all playing a rousing game of toss-the-football-in-the-basketball-hoop. Everyone wanted to know if he was going to Rocky’s party, but Cameron asked, “Are you sure she’s having a party because I heard she wasn’t.” Look, she put those Christmas lights up for this party tonight. Do you know how hard that is? You don’t just hang lights and then not have a party. It’s on, Cameron. Oh, it’s on.
The guys then all ragged on Cameron for apparently saying the night before that he’d rather hang out with Jessica than be with them. Makes sense. Last time I checked, his friends probably don’t give him blow jobs. But then again, that Kelan kid always seems to be trailing behind Cameron ever so eagerly… Nevertheless, as the guys eventually exited the basketball court, Cameron marveled at the social events lined up for him over the next two days. “Dude, tonight Raquel’s, and tomorrow Kyndra’s!” Like OMG! Two parties! It’s a bonanza of mirth and jocundity!
Back at Rocky’s dojo, the Chipmunks Christmas album was playing in full force — oh wait, it was just Raquel and Tessa talking to each other. Yes, the two girls were busy futzing around a kitchen, baking cookies and other holiday treats (despite Tessa’s tragic inability to locate the raisins). The banter of the day centered around Raquel, who just could not be more excited about a guy named “Alex.” You see, what was great about Alex was that he went to another school, but he was friends with E.J. (Yay! Who?) and therefore, he had ties to the Laguna community. How wonderful for him! Eventually, these two guys showed up, and Rocky bestowed her highest praise on this elusive E.J. character: “You’re looking SUAVE!” she said, adding “Meeee I want a huuuula hooop.” Seriously, they really sounded like Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Meanwhile, Kyndra and Cami hopped into an SUV and headed towards Rocky’s house. Even though they hadn’t been invited to her party and even though they absolutely despised her, they still thought they’d crash the event. Keep in mind that this is the second week in a row that these girls have had to endure the awful plight that is visiting Raquel’s house. But seriously, they’re too cool for her. They only attend these events for purely ironic, observational purposes. It’s not like they have some insecure need to fit in and reign over the social circles of their school at all times.
“I just don’t want her to think she can come to mine,” Kyndra said in the car, referring to her party the next night. This then led to a series of lame justifications for their behavior, resulting in Cami obnoxiously hamming it up for the cameras. Around this time, I was hoping their car would skid off into the ocean so we wouldn’t have to hear their middling claptrap anymore, but alas, they arrived at the party safe and sound. And what a party it was! There was like Domino’s Pizza and everything! And nothing says Christmas like Domino’s!
It seemed like everyone from school was at this fête, even Lexie’s friend Tara, who begrudgingly told Tessa, “You look really pretty.” She then added, “Now, let me go drive a spike through my head.” The big talk of the night was over this Alex fella, who apparently was Rocky’s boyfriend. All the girls salivated over him, even the ice queen Lexie. Surely Kyndra would be seething with jealousy. However, there were bigger problems for the Mean Girls to fixate on. Namely, a girl named Stephanie who was apparently starting vicious and awesome rumors. “She’s the one who said I am dirty,” Cami complained. What? Cami dirty? I refuse to believe this poppycock!
Cami is NOT dirty!
WELL. Cami did not take well to this rumor. Holding a cigarette outside, she complained endlessly about Stephanie to Kyndra, and as any good Master would, Kyndra decided to go regulate. She made a beeline towards this random girl and asked, “Did you say something to my friend?”
“No,” replied the bewildered Stephanie, who then tried to explain why she was innocent. It didn’t seem to have any affect, however, on Kyndra who asked that this girl then apologize to Cami. One problem: why would she apologize for something she didn’t say? Sorry, I know I just blew your mind, Kyndra. Well, suddenly there was lots of crosstalk that was hard to follow, and all I knew was that Stephanie said she didn’t come with Blair, whoever that was, and then there was more crosstalk and finally, Lexie proclaimed, “Oh my God! So much drama!” Everyone please settle down! You’re overloading THE LEXIE!
THE LEXIE IS SHOCKED!
Meanwhile, Cami complained to Rocky, “I’ve never met this girl before in my entire life!” to which Rocky replied, “So why do you care what she says?” Damn that logic striking again!
Later, after Kyndra was done haranguing that Stephanie girl, she retreated to her clique and resumed her regularly scheduled bashing. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with Raquel ever, and now I am? Like, I don’t want to, and I don’t want to start now,” she said, apparently confusing social contact with leprosy. Methinks she’s jealous of Rocky. She probably wants her as a sidekick instead of Cami. Seriously, considering Kyndra’s supposed to be the coolest girl, how did she wind up with such a low-rent sidekick? It’s like watching Madonna driving a Ford Focus.
Anyway, the cockles of insecurity soon overpowered Kyndra as she seethed, “My Christmas party is going to be so much better than this. Mark my words.” Yeah, this party was so lame with “all its people having fun.” Whatevs!
And because the notion that someone like Raquel could throw a good party was all too devastating for Kyndra, she then set about undermining the event by asking Cameron, “Is this officially the lamest party you’ve ever been to?” He smiled and agreed, but to be fair, he kind of does that with everyone. Well, Kyndra decided enough was enough, and so she rallied the troops and left the partay, off to do something way cooler with her night — like read Cosmo or Staten Island Quarterly.
The next day, Tessa and Rocky sat at a bench, and in true Laguna fashion, they recapped the party. Once again, they reaffirmed that Alex was indeed hot, and then we learned that after her run-in with Kyndra, Stephanie wound up bawling in the corner. Even worse, Kyndra didn’t even bother saying hi to Raquel, the hostess of the event! Actually, that is poor form, but I can’t say that I’m really surprised. The two girls then pondered going to Kyndra’s party that night, but unlike Kyndra and Cami, they had no insecure need to keep an eye on all social events in town, lest their social rank begin to plummet. As a result, they decided to skip the event and do something else with their boring lives.
Meanwhile, over at Kyndra’s house, she and Cami talked about how badly they didn’t want Rocky and Tessa showing up at the party that night. Sitting next to them and eagerly listening in was Kyndra’s mom, Karen, who seemed to vicariously soak up this teen drama as if it were the vital life force to her aging body. Never once (according to the editing) did this woman tell her daughter — “Hey, maybe you shouldn’t be so judgmental” or “Hey, don’t be so mean to your classmates.” Instead, she just sat there, feeling like one of the girls. Paging Amy Poehler…
“I love my daughter’s life.”
Anyway, Cami justified their party-crashing once again, this time saying it was payback for that BBQ at the beginning of the season. Of course, what Cami seems to have forgotten was that Tessa was actually invited to the barbecue. Blast that logic striking again!
Kyndra then relived her golden moment from Rocky’s party, saying, “Did you hear me? I was like ‘Round up the troops! We’re leaving!’” Oh, it was a classic Kyndra moment! People will be talking about that move for years! It’s going in the Kyndra Tome of Notable Quotables! Right next to that one time she answered the phone and said, “Kyndra speaking.” ANOTHER ONE FOR THE AGES!
Cami then retold the story about how she complained to Rocky about Stephanie, except in this iteration, Rocky had gone from patient and sympathetic (how we saw her in reality) to a head-swiveling bitch from Chino. And let me say that no one enjoyed this story more than Karen, who let out a little, possibly drunken chuckle. It doesn’t get much better than this, does it, Karen?
“Good one, Cami!”
We then learned the REAL reason why Rocky had been so offensive: she had refused to become a painted lady! “I’m surprised she had no makeup on. She had NO makeup on!!!” Cami declared as if Rocky had been prancing around the party nude. Even more intolerable was her apparel. Kyndra bashed Raquel’s outfit, which consisted of a Santa hat, a white bra/top, and a red skirt. GOOD GOD!!! What was the girl thinking! Wearing red and white at a Christmas party??? And a Santa hat??? Bitch has to get a grip!
Well, as Cami drank from her goblet of cola, Karen finally made an announcement: “Alright. I’m going to give Chloe a bath.” You do that, Karen. Oddly enough, I’m pretty sure “Chloe” is her code name for “vagina.” Oh I kid! We all know this was just her way of saying it was time for another Valium.
Meanwhile, over at Rocky’s house, we finally got to meet the two wonderful people who had spawned Raquel: Tom & Robin (who will be played by Dennis Farina and Roseanne Barr when this is made into a movie). And by the way, I LOVE TOM AND ROBIN! Unlike all the other Laguna parents we’ve seen this season, they actually look like normal people with nary a touch of plastic surgery between them (although, Tom looked like he might have had a veneer or five in that grill of his).
Greetings from the Farina-Barr household!
Anyway, the doting parents smiled happily as Rocky, Tessa, and Alex wandered into the kitchen, ready to go out for the night. The scene quickly became awkward, however, when Raquel and Alex left for their date, leaving Tessa to simple sit on a stool with Tom and Robin. Um, shouldn’t you be walking to the door? Must you inflict your blandness on these people as well? Apparently. It looked like the three of them had an exciting night of watching Cinderella Man lined up. And let’s face it: nothing says “Rockin’ social life” like watching a DVD with your friends’ parents.
Well, with the Dashboard Confessional theme song to the dearly departed One Ocean View playing in the background, Alex and Rocky headed to a Mexican restaurant where they talked about how excited they were to be with each other. It was like watching Naomi Judd and James Franco on a date.
“Spider-Man killed my father.”
“Life is so exciting right now!” Rocky then said, adding, “Like we’re in a Mexican restaurant! Could life BE any more thrilling!!!!” Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but she did ramble on about who knows what, and since this scene was pretty much DOA, let’s just move onto the real meat and potatoes of the episode: party #2!
Yes, Kyndra was throwing her party, and already we knew it was sooo much better than Rocky’s because a) there were less people, and b) there were sandwich wraps! Way cooler. Sadly, I didn’t see Karen happily hanging out with all the kids. I’m surprised she wasn’t dancing around with a glass of red wine, doling out Jell-o shots to all the pliable young men in the room.
Cami, meanwhile, was still smarting over StephanieGate 2005 as she told the whole story from last night’s party once again to Lexie and Kyndra. Newsflash to Cami: THEY WERE THERE. At one point, Cameron showed up, and of course, Kyndra draped herself on his neck, saying, “Cameron, thank you so much for wearing a collared shirt. That really means so much to me.” Who knew she had a collar fetish? I don’t even want to think about what would have happened had he worn a turtleneck (cut to Kyndra passed out on the floor, foam spewing from her mouth and her body shaking).
Meanwhile, Lexie dismissively rolled her eyes at Kyndra, saying, “Oh. She’s creeping on Cameron again.” THE LEXIE DOES NOT APPROVE!
“I am AGHAST!”
Conversation then returned to Rocky’s boyfriend, and once again, it was agreed that he was very hot, and perhaps his biggest fan was Rachel, a.k.a. Bernice (which is how she will always be referred to, on account of her New Jersey/Bernice-ish appearance). While the girls talked about Alex, the guys talked about Jessica. They wanted to know from Cameron if he was dating her or not. He said no, but we knew otherwise. As for Cami, I kid you not, she commenced her forty-fith retelling of the Stephanie crisis, and by now, her story was probably so exaggerated, it probably included some sort of knife fight, an alien abduction, and Osama Bin Laden.
At one point, Kyndra asked Cameron if he was going to see Jessica, and he snapped back, “That pisses me off!” Huh? She really did only ask him a simple question, but apparently he didn’t like the inflection. He stormed out of the party, causing murmurs all around. “Is Cameron SERIOUSLY walking out of Kyndra’s right now?” asked one shocked girl. No one EVER walked out of Kyndra’s parties! SHE HAS SANDWICH WRAPS! Another girl then commented, “He’s walking out of Kyndra’s. That’s creepy.” Yes, it chills me to my bones! It’s like watching The Shining all over again! Don’t leave, Cameron! It’s ever so frightful!!!
The next day, Tessa lumbered into Rocky’s bedroom and asked how her date went (so the Master becomes the sidekick!). Does Tessa ever leave Raquel’s house? Did she spend the night? Anyway, Raquel then informed Tessa that Cameron walked out on Kyndra last night. OMG! No he DIDN’T!!! Scandal!
We then went over to Kyndra’s house where I half expected to see Karen passed out on a platter of wraps. Sadly, we saw no such thing (doesn’t mean it didn’t happen). Cami and Kyndra sat outside and bashed Jessica and the way she seems to always claim men, ie. “I dated him in sixth grade, you can’t go after him!” Of course, let’s not act as if Kyndra probably does the exact same thing. Oh well. She’s just a bitter old wench in training. What can you do.
Elsewhere in the ‘Guna, Cameron and Jessica were enjoying lunch, talking about the whole party incident and whatnot. At one point, Cameron actually gave Jessica an unsolicited compliment, causing her to say, “That was nice.”
“I’m always nice,” Cameron replied. Dare I say, it was actually a sweet little scene? I found it mildly shocking to see someone treating Jessica well, and in turn, her not acting like a lunatic. Maybe they were just caught up in the Christmas spirit. Later, as they hopped in Cameron’s car, Jessica then flashed her trademark neediness by asking, “Would you be sad if I died?” Ah yes. Young romance. God bless it.
What did you think about this episode? Which party looked better? And what’s up with Kyndra crashing Rocky’s party but not allowing Rocky to crash hers?