Like OMG! Did you see Laguna Beach last night? I can’t believe that Breanna was such a bitch to Raquel! She was totally like crying at the restaurant, but then she was like “Let’s save our friendship,” and Raquel was all like “That’s none of your business!” but then like Breanna invited her to a pool party anyway, but Lexi was like “Why?” and Cami was like “Random!” and Kyndra was like “Get this lei off of me!” and Tessa was like “I want to watch Cinderella Man with your parents” and Rocky was like “I don’t go to parties to be ignored!” and Tara was like “What’s fois grarr?” OMG. Drama!
Yes, we got into the meat-and-potatoes of Laguna Beach this week as Breanna attempted to salvage her friendship with Raquel, but unfortunately, Bree-Bree forgot that inviting your friend to a pool party and then acting like she’s in desperate need of a delousing doesn’t always help bygones be bygones. This was probably one of the best episodes of the season so far, thanks to the marginalized role of Cami and Kyndra, two girls who seem desperate to make their marks as the next Kristin Cavalleri. Without their made-for-TV antics spewing every two seconds, it felt like we were watching the Laguna we know and love. Might there be hope for this new cast yet?This week’s show started off with Tessa explaining that her semi-sapphic relationship with Raquel was under fire from a jealous interloper yet again. “Now it’s Rocky’s EX best friend, Breanna, who’s trying to come between us!” Tessa announced in her typically clogged-nose voice (we’re probably supposed to think this season is building towards some great kiss between Tessa and Chase, but honestly, I’ll just be happy if the season finale concludes with her taking a Claritin).
For once we didn’t start the show with a boring Tessa/Rocky scene. Instead, we headed up to Conrad Manor where the first lady of Laguna Beach, LC, enjoyed a hot tub with her younger sister and pliant protégé, Breanna. The two talked about Bree-Bree’s friends, taking inventory on who was in and who was like totally random (read: out). Turns out Raquel was “on the line,” serving probation for skipping Breanna’s super sweet sixteenth birthday AND befriending town pariah Tessa. One more strike, and she was out! LC weighed in on the situation by noting, “I like Raquel. She’s nice to me. But she makes you upset more than you guys get along.” She then added, “Unlike all my boyfriends. They treat me wonderfully. I should call Jason right now. We really need to start dating again.”
Lauren then explained, “I had like that core group of friends that like didn’t fight. Me and Lo were together for like the last three years of high school, and we just didn’t fight.” Of course you guys didn’t fight! Lo was the sidekick! What sidekick ever raises her voice to her Master? It would be heresy! And in sidekick law, that’s a crime punishable by death!
Ultimately, the ever sage LC advised, “You should invite her over to your party to talk about it.” And as evidenced by all the other ones ever aired on this show, it’s clear that parties are always such great, open, welcoming forums to heal gaping friendship wounds.
After the opening credits, we found Rocky and her personal James Franco, Alex, sitting on the beach, talking about the splendors of Shore Breaking, an adrenaline-pumping activity Raquel and her friends used to play back in the old days. “You stand in a line of you, kind of like Red Rover Red Rover, and you wait for the wave to just crash on you, and then you’re just like laying on the beach, dead.” Wow. Sounds tsunami-tastic. FYI: this game is not be confused with Truck Breakers, where you stand on a highway with your friends in a line and wait for a truck to crash into you, and then you just lie there on the road, actually dead.
Eventually, Raquel sighed and asked Alex, “Can we just go to the beach every day?” Hmmm… sounds like that might be a tall order, considering they live in Laguna BEACH. Hey Raquel, funny thing about beach communities: they have beaches.
Suddenly, the world’s most annoying ringtone sounded on Rocky’s phone, and who should be on the other line? None other than jilted Countess of the Conrad Court, Breanna. The two exchanged superficial pleasantries, and after Rocky babbled about shore breaking again (which Breanna dismissed with a bored laugh — like the rest of America), Breanna invited her to the big pool party up at the manse. BUT FIRST she wanted to have lunch and talk about that whole “Tessa thing.” What Tessa thing, you ask? Turns out Raquel used to be best besties with Breanna since sixth grade, but when she started hanging out with Tessa, Breanna pushed her away, clearly jealous that Rocky had found such an exciting, lively, and fascinating new friend.
“Why do girls do that?” Alex asked, daring to bring the dangerous world of “logic” into Laguna. Rocky obviously had no answer, but that may have been because she was already fantasizing about shore breaking again. Seriously, getting knocked over violently? It’s the best.
We then headed to Chase’s house, which could only mean great times. Yes, our hairy little band leader sat on a deck with a guitar-strummin’ Kelan, and the two talked about all sorts of important things like the need to expand their musical repertoire. “We need like a good acoustic slow song,” Chase commented. “Like, that’d be kind of sick.” Another thing that might be sick: a song whose lyrics were not merely “Ahhhhhhhh.”
Anyway, the conversation soon turned towards girls as we learned that there might be sparks between Lexie and Kelan. The only way to find out was to orchestrate a double date: Chase and Kelan with Lexie and her sidekick Tara. Chase called up Lexie, who happened to be exercising her inner Fly Girl at a dance studio (while a more stationary Tara sat by a wall), and proposed dinner — or rather, a “pimp dinner,” and honestly, who could turn down a “pimp dinner”? The girls accepted the invitation, thus making it official: THE LEXIE HAS APPROVED THIS SOCIAL UNION.
Meanwhile, over at the sunny Cafe Mezzaluna, Breanna and Raquel greeted each other with big, fake “Hiiii!”s, which soon gave way to general awkward silence. Eventually, Breanna asked why Rocky had shunned her sixteenth birthday party, an event which had drawn luminaries from all across the land. Raquel explained that at the time, since Breanna, Megan (?), and Kiley (??) weren’t talking to her, she didn’t feel comfortable going to the party alone. She wanted to bring Tessa for support in case everyone ganged up on her, but one problem: clearly Raquel didn’t realize that bringing Tessa was tantamount to bringing HITLER.
“I didn’t want someone that wasn’t my friend at my birthday party,” Breanna explained. “It was like I didn’t know her.”
To which Rocky replied, “Breanna, I met her at your house. That’s how her and I became friends.” SLAM!!! And what do you have to say to that, Breanna?
“We were friends first!”
Hmmm…. sorry. We’re giving this round to Rocky.
“Is this why you guys alienated me?” Raquel then asked, going in for the kill.
“Yeah, it is. Because you didn’t have time for us, it seemed like,” Breanna answered, with the first traces of a quivering lip appearing.
“Now I have a new boyfriend, and a new best friend, and they seem to agree quite nicely how i spend my time,” a snippy Raquel then said.
“Good for you! You found the right situation,” Breanna smirked back passive-aggressively. The poor girl looked like she was about the crumble under Raquel’s icy glare. Luckily, the tension was momentarily broken by the arrival of two giant bowls of salad, but soon things escalated out of control when Breanna asked how often Rocky saw Alex — every day?
“That would be none of your business, first of all, and yeah, I do,” Raquel snapped back. And let’s face it. Nothing says “mending friendships” like saying “that would be none of your business.” Rocky then went on to say, “I also don’t get alienated by Tessa when I say, ‘you know what? I can’t hang out tonight.’” Ouch! Another punch to the gut! They don’t call her Rocky for nuthin’!
With her emotional state hanging on the ropes, Breanna then expressed fear that she was being made out to be a bad person. And with that, Rocky delivered her knockout blow: “I thought you making me to chose between you and Tessa was a really lame thing to do, right?” And with that, Breanna just lost it. She began full-on crying right there at the table, which, by the way, was located outside on the street for all of Laguna to walk by and see.
Raquel arose from her seat and perched by Breanna’s side, now attempting to console her friend after she’d essentially beaten her to a pulp. “I didn’t do anything wrong!” Breanna uttered in between her sniffles of guilt, but Raquel begged to differ. She said that when she tried to call Breanna and her friends, they never answered their phones. “What am I supposed to do?” Rocky asked. Um, hello??? It’s called “carrier pigeons.” Duh! Show some effort, bitch!
“We were expecting you to devote more time to us at least,” Breanna answered, clearly not realizing that when people call to talk, that’s usually their way of devoting more time.
“Okay, ignoring me is not the way to get about that, Breanna,” Raquel then said. Luckily, this confrontation seemed to finally reach some emotional honesty when Breanna explained that she merely felt like Rocky was choosing Tessa over her. Raquel apologized, and just when I thought we’d get an apology in return from Bree-Bree, we cut to commercial! No remorse! Well, we don’t know that for sure. That’s just what we saw. Either way, this looked like the typical high school fight. I wouldn’t be surprised if Breanna used to be Rocky’s Master. This entire confrontation smelled of sidekick independence, always a tough transition for everyone involved (I cite season one of Sorority Life as the best example. Jordan and Amanda’s breakup was legendary).
After the break, we went to Lexie’s house, or Mediterranean palace, really, where Breanna had just arrived to gossip the afternoon away. She announced that she had just lunched with Raquel, causing Lexie to remark, “Really? That’s so random!” THE LEXIE IS CONFUSED!
“I feel perturbed.”
Breanna then recapped the entire meal, making it sound much more combative than it truly appeared to be. She particularly twisted Rocky’s words when she described how she needed “support” to go to Breanna’s sixteenth birthday party (Bree-Bree conveniently left out the reason why Raquel needed support: all the raging bitches). Well, this surely ired The Lexie, who declared, “You’re coming to your best friend’s birthday. Why would you need support???” Yeah, why would she want a friend with her at a party full of girls who refuse to take her phone calls? This Raquel is something else!
Lexie then assessed the entire situation as “That’s kind of mean.” And thus it was spoke across the land: Dame Lexie has found this predicament mildly disagreeable!
The Lexie is appalled!!
When Breanna told her how she began to cry in the restaurant, Lexie then suggested, “You should have thrown your food at her and said, ‘Shut up and listen to me talk!’” I couldn’t help but wonder if this was how Lexie normally resolved situations: by hurling food across a table and demanding silence. I wouldn’t be surprised. She is THE LEXIE after all.
“Off with their heads!”
Sure enough, Breanna began crying again, but this time she was enveloped by the warm embrace of Lexie, who manipulatively said, “You shouldn’t be friends with her if she just wants to bash you.” COME TO THE DARK SIDE, DEAREST BREANNA. COME TO THE DARK SIDE!
Meanwhile, we then cut to Rocky who sat on a giant bed with Tessa eagerly at her side. As Raquel expressed how she’d like to be friends with Breanna again, Tessa emphatically stated that she would NOT be cool with that. Not that it mattered. Rocky flat-out said she didn’t care if Tessa and Breanna didn’t get along because that really wasn’t the point. Hey, Raquel. You’re in high school. Why can’t you be more petty? This whole “mature thinking” is really not cool. Not cool at all.
Still, Tessa was not very pleased about all this, and let’s face it. No one wants to endure the wrath of Tessa. I half expected her to throw down the gauntlet and yell, “If you befriend Breanna, I will watch DVDS WITH HER PARENTS! WE WILL RENT RV AND LIKE IT!!! AND AQUAMARINE TOO!!! Then we will watch Syrianna, and I will force the Conrads to explain it to me for as long as it takes! I don’t care if I’m there all night. THEY WILL EXPLAIN IT TO ME!!! And maybe afterwards, we’ll watch Crash and talk about race relations!!! What do you think about that, RA-KWELL???”
Later, it was time for Pimp Dinner 2006 starring Chase, Kelan, the Dowager Marchioness Lexie and her scullery maid Tara. The good news was that the girls dressed to the nines for this banquet of pimpitude, but leave it to Kelan and Chase to dress like they were heading to McDonald’s. Well, like almost all Laguna dates, this one was a doozy of awkwardness. As fun as it was to watch Chase gnaw on what was either bread or a chew toy, the conversation never seemed to get off the ground. There was some general patter — Lexie talked about how they were going to eat at this restaurant all the time once they were rich — and as we all saw before, Lexie lives like a mere street urchin in her veritable Taj Mahal of Laguna.
At one point, sidekick Tara — who looked pretty much like a deer in the headlights — informed Lexie, “Your dad told me to get the far-quar? Fa– far gois?” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, meet the new star of The Hills 2. If Tara wasn’t related to Heidi, I would be shocked. Nevertheless, Tara and then Lexie attempted nobly to pronounce “foie gras” (at least they didn’t say “foyce grass”), and eventually Tara blurted out with Soylent Green-esque abhorrence: “It’s DUCK LIVER!!!” She then raised her arms to the heavens and yelled, “It’s DUCK LIVER! Foie gras is made out of DUCK LIVER! They’re making our food out of DUCK LIVER!!! You gotta tell them! You’ve gotta tell them!! You tell everybody. Listen to me, Lexie. You’ve gotta tell them! Foie Gras is duck liver! We’ve gotta stop them somehow!” She then ran out of the restaurant screaming bloody murder and was never seen again.
Okay, that didn’t happen. No, the rest of the evening went along much more quietly. Literally. No one talked. That is, except for Kelan who received a call on his cell phone (as per the tradition for a Laguna date). Plucky Tara then read the restaurant policy off the menu: “Please refrain from cell phone use inside our dining rooms.” Wow, she REGULATED! She’s quite the sidekick pitbull!
Finally, at the urging of Lexie (and the sudden appearance of a waiter), Kelan got off his Very Important Phone Call, thus ushering in a fascinating discussion about beef stroganoff. Somehow Kelan had no idea what this elusive cuisine was, and so Chase described it to him, saying, “It’s like a pasta with meat sauce and like strips of fillet mignon.” To which, Kelan scoffed, “Whatever.” Yeah, FUCK YOU, STROGANOFF!!!
Later, Chase leaned over and said, “Kelan, you need to go for Lexie.” Psssst…. she’s right there. She can hear you!
Alas, Kelan did not make any sort of move, and thus, The Lexie and her loyal compatriot Tara declared him too cool for school. A most pimp-like dinner ruined by his callous indifference!
After the commercial break, we headed out to the annoyingly named Madison Square & Garden where Cami, Kyndra and Lexie were all gabbing about the past twenty minutes of the show. Cami immediately complained about her coffee, asking, “Do they put vanilla in here? What’s the deal?” This caused Lexie to emit a hearty chuckle, and deservedly so! That vanilla observation was HI-larious! THE LEXIE IS TICKLED!
Anyway, Lex-a-palooza noted that she had gone on a double date (which Cami quickly anointed as “random”), but what she really wanted to talk about was how Rocky confronted innocent Breanna at Cafe Mezzaluna. Of course, now that this gossip had been filtered through two different mouths, it sounded like Raquel had spent the lunch pulling Breanna’s hair out by the roots, so it was no surprise that the girls all dropped their jaws when they heard that Raquel needed “support” to go to Breanna’s birthday party. “That’s so self-centered and stupid. EW!” huffed Kyndra, never one to be self-centered and stupid herself.
At long last, it was time for Breanna’s much-hyped pool party. We knew this would be an exciting occasion because the last time we had a pool party at Casa De Conrad, Jason and LC began their first flirtations. What glorious developments would this afternoon bash provide?
First to arrive was Lexie, who came running in sans sidekick. She hugged Breanna warmly, and soon more people began flittering in, including none other than resident matriarch, Kathy Conrad! Sadly, big sis Lauren was nowhere to be found (probably flying to NYC to buy a candy bar for Lisa Love). As the party reached full swing (and yes, Bernice was there — with blonder hair no less), girls continually asked if Rocky would be showing up, but Breanna, now totally brainwashed again by Lexie and the other mean girls, brushed it off, saying she didn’t care if Raquel appeared or not.
As for Rocky, she thought her friendship with Breanna was on the road to recovery. “I’m like excited to like give her a hug… that we’re finally not silent. We’re talking again,” she told Alex as they drove to the party. Oh Ra-Kwell. Your misguided optimism is so charming.
Back at the party, the fun times officially began as Queen Bee Kyndra and Princess Dung Beetle Cami (as well as her undulating breasts) arrived on the scene. There were hugs all around, but soon heads began to turn as Rocky entered with Alex.
“That’s so random,” Kyndra scoffed. Actually, it wasn’t random at all. Rocky was invited to the party; so her arrival was a probable, perhaps even expected event. Don’t think the semantics police won’t get you, Kyndra.
Well, Raquel may have been all excited to give Breanna a huge hug, but all she got was a healthy serving of COLD SHOULDER. Or at least, that’s how it was edited. Either way, Breanna looked like she was fairly torn between having to keep up appearances with her friends and wanting to salvage her friendship with Rocky. Or maybe she just really wanted a pair of floaties.
Speaking of floaties…
We then sat through a few minutes of Raquel stewing in anger over by the infinity pool while Breanna paced around her party, carefully avoiding her ex-friend/restaurant tormentor. At one point, we cut to Kyndra who grabbed a lei around her neck and pulled it off violently, saying, “I want this thing off me. That’s what I want!!!” You go, girl! Way to show that 30¢ party favor who’s the boss!
Ultimately, Rocky turned to Alex (who seemed to be enjoying himself quite a bit) and said, “I’m so sick of awkward parties.” Um, you live in the ‘Guna. GET USED TO IT.
Finally, Raquel tried to say goodbye to Breanna, but she was promptly DENIED as Bree-Bree marched off to some other corner of the Conrad Compound. However, our spies tell us that they did in fact say goodbye (as well as hello). A salutary/valedictory scandal!!!
Nevertheless, the show ended with random images of boys frolicking in the pool as Rocky and Alex walked out to their car. By the way, I’d like to say that whoever drove a stupid GEM car to the pool party is really lame. I blame Bernice.
What did you think about this episode? Who was right? Who was wrong?