Like OMG! Did you see Laguna Beach last night? Kyndra totally started dating her old boyfriend again! And he was all “Look at the ring I got you,” and she was like, “It has so many sides,” and he was like “I know,” and she was like “It’s crazy that I’m in high school and you’re in college,” and he was all “NEVER TALK OF THAT AGAIN!” and Tessa was like “I like Cameron” and Cameron was like “I like Jessica,” and Jessica was like “I’m not going to that birthday party,” and the guy on the bongoes was like “Cool beats,” and Rocky’s mom was all, “Are you gonna help with dinner?” and J-Wahl was like “Creepy!” It was like so random!Yes, after last week’s eventful tryst in San Diego, Laguna Beach returned to its titular locale, but just because we were back to our cove by the sea didn’t mean things were all the same. Oh no. Tessa apparently had fallen back in love with Cameron after their lip-locked antics, as evidenced by the opening narration where she monotonously bleated, “I… like… him… so… much…”
The narration also clued us in on another stunning development: Kyndra might not be on the open market for much longer. “Kyndra was about to fall back on the only guy who could put her in her place: her much older ex-boyfriend, Tyler.” OMG! Much older ex-boyfriend Tyler! This would surely rock the foundation of the world as we know it!
Well, as the show opened up, we found Kyndra and Cami dressed like aspiring Pussycat Dolls and sitting on a couch together. The two babbled about whatever, and Kyndra revealed that Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler had called her. Cami was clearly not happy about this (the only news she wanted to hear was when the Ring-Ding truck would be coming to town again). Apparently Kyndra and Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler were not a match made in heaven. There was an “Ex” in there for a reason. But alas, Cami could sense that her Master was leaning towards welcoming Tyler back into her life, and there was not much she could do about it.
“Do whatever you want to do,” Cami said.
“WHAT?” Kyndra suddenly snapped. “I’ll do what I want!” Yes, Kyndra, she just said that. Hence Cami saying “Do whatever you want to do.”
Cami then predicted that Kyndra would just wind up dumping Tyler again, but Kyndra said it would all depend on which restaurant he took her to for dinner. This was followed by general snickering, as if to say, “Aren’t we so wickedly devilish?” and then with little ado, it was off to the opening credits. Afterwards, we went to Rocky’s house (located, we’re told, in a neighborhood in Laguna called “Top of the World.” She WOULD live on top of the world!).
Anyway, Rocky and Tessa slunk around the kitchen, whining about dinner to Raquel’s mom. I’m personally shocked that Tessa didn’t put in a DVD request for later that night. You just know she’s dying to watch Firewall with Rocky’s parents. Nevertheless, we learned that Cameron — he of the giant veneers — would be having a birthday party that weekend, and when Rocky’s mom asked the girls if they’d be going, a giggling Tessa suddenly gushed, “I hooked up with him in San Diego!” You know what they say: birds of a bland feather flock together!
Amazingly, Raquel’s mom seemed to be slightly interested in this romantic entanglement, and she asked, “Is he what you guys call the player type?” Oh you kids with your newfangled slang! “Player?” That is hilarious! Someone should tell Leno!
Rocky then laughed at her mom and made the evening’s most stunning observation: “He should be on Baywatch.” Cameron and the Hoff together? Why, I think that sounds like a delightful idea. I would tune in happily! And by “tune in,” I mean “bash my head in with a hammer.” (Okay, who am I kidding? I’d totally watch.)
Speaking of Cameron, he and his new sidekick Nick W. were presently browsing for birthday guitars, occasionally testing them with a gentle strum. At one point, Cam found a guitar that he seemed to take a shine to, and in proper sidekick fashion, Nick commented, “I like how that one sounds!” He then added, “I am your loyal servant, Cameron. Your wish is my command.”
“It’s all for you, Lord Cameron. It’s all for you.”
Alas, despite having found a dream guitar, Cameron was still unsatisfied. Truth was there just weren’t enough hotties at the Guitar Center — which is quite shocking since we all know how much those Orange County hotties love guitar shops! As the two guys then drove back to the ‘Guna, Nick made a bold sidekick move and suggested that his Master was not in fact infallible. He implied that Cameron was breaking hearts left and right, but like any Master would, Cameron spurned this sidekick observation, confident that he was not nearly the lothario he was being made out to be. I mean, just because he’s hooked up with three different girls this season doesn’t mean he’s one of those wack-a-doodle “player types.”
Elsewhere, we found the object of (most of) Cameron’s affections, Jessica, dining with Roz, who had returned to her blonde roots. Well, not roots like hair roots. You know what I’m trying to say. Well, not only was Roz no longer a brunette (chances were this was filmed before she was a brunette in the first place), but she had another bombshell to drop on us. SHE HAD A TATTOO!! I was hoping it would be an artistic rendering of Peri Gilpin, but sadly, it was nothing as exciting. Roz had merely etched a tiny cross on her forearm. It looked small and harmless, but of course, it was imbued with meaning. That cross was Roz’s way of declaring her sidekick independence. No longer was she second fiddle to Kristin Cavallari. She was her own girl, her own woman, her own MASTER! Huzzah!
Anyway, conversation quickly drifted off of Roz’s tattoo and onto Cameron’s upcoming birthday party. Jessica was concerned that it would be all high school kids, and she adamantly told Roz, “I’m like ‘There’s no way I’m gonna go to your birthday party!’” Translation: “I’m gonna say that I’m not going to go, but then hopefully Cameron and will beg and beg and beg until I feel adequately wanted, and then I’ll go. And I’ll talk about Jason the whole time too.”
As usual, Roz was the voice of reason, and she told Jessica to just get over herself and go to the damn party. Damnit, Roz! Your rational thinking has no place here! We thought you’d get the hint when you weren’t put in last year’s opening credits. No maturity allowed!
We then headed to Candace’s house (very exciting), and for those of you who don’t remember who Candace is, she’s the girl from the first episode who looked like the bizarre lovechild of a jack-o-lantern, a Staten Island secretary, and a candy apple. Anyway, she and Cami hung out and talked about, what else? Kyndra and her impending date with Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler! The two girls were positively shocked that Kyndra would even entertain the idea of dating Tyler again. The only thing more earth-shattering would be if Candace announced that she might actually use suntan lotion at the beach from time to time. Did you see those shoulders? Peel-tastic! Of course, I can’t speak. A Sunday afternoon at a Chargers game this week has left me with a forehead of flaky shame.
Anyway, soon it became very clear why Cami was so upset about the latest turn of events. If Kyndra was spending all her time with Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler, then who would be Cami’s Master? She would be an orphan! Lexie couldn’t take her on — she already had Tara, Candace and Bernice weren’t even cast members, and Breanna, well, no one knows where the hell she is. Looks like it could be rough sidekick seas ahead for Cami!
Later that night, Kyndra headed over to Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler’s house, which, for all intents and purposes, looked exactly like Kyndra’s, except with better lighting. Tyler, a skinny, sickly boy, had cooked dinner for his ex-flame, and now they were on the back porch, enjoying their romantic meal. The two discussed important things, like the ring he once gave her. In an enjoyably tacky move, Tyler marveled at the rock’s size made sure to mention how much it will appreciate in value. Kyndra, meanwhile, could not get over the intricacies of the diamond, saying, “There are so many like… inci– like–” FACETS, dammit! The word is FACETS. Even Cami would have know that. After all, her hair is huge with knowledge.
And in case we weren’t sure just how proud Tyler was of the diamond bauble he had bestowed on his lovely, he noted, “That’s something you hold onto for the rest of your life.” He then added, “Dammit, bitch. Just tell me my gift is amazing, and in turn, I too am amazing as well. JUST SAY IT!”
The conversation eventually moved on from this highly fascinating diamond discussion, and soon the two wound up toasting each other. “Cheers to this delightful dinner!” Tyler said. Yes, delightful indeed: steaks with A1 Sauce! And to think, he almost took her to The Sizzler instead.
Then, as the two enjoyed this ever so delightful meal (where was the “foir gwar” I ask?), Much Older Ex Boyfriend Tyler suggested that they start things back up. Unfortunately, Kyndra was mid-chew, which meant we had to wait through an uncomfortable silence for her answer. Oh, Tyler. Don’t you know you never pop the question mid-chew? Poor form! Well, sure enough, Kyndra accepted Tyler’s proposition, which once again proves my theory: A1 is always the clincher! No Bullseye. No Heinz. Just A1 (and if you really want to kick things up a notch, I also recommend A1 Bold & Spicy. Grrrrrrowl!).
As we went to commercial, the two consummated their new relationship by making out perilously close to a giant blaze in the fireplace. I half expected the two to become engulfed in flames, but thankfully, no such disaster occurred.
After the commercial break, we found Kyndra and Cami at the St. Regis Spa where the two received well-deserved massages. It’s about time they had some R&R from their hectic lives of reading magazines and making banal comments. Of course, the best part about a massage on TV is the requisite massage-table camera angle, which meant we got to see Kyndra and Cami with their faces pressed against the equivalent of a foamy, miniature toilet seat. And let me just say that the effect on Cami was not particularly flattering.
The two girls babbled about Tyler, but at one point, Kyndra had to stop the conversation to ask the masseuses a burning question: “Don’t your hands get tired?” Unfortunately, the masseuses answered with nothing more than stony, shameful silence. Not even they could summon the will-power to engage in this inane patter.
Cami, however, jumped right in and noted, “I can’t even write in class for thirty minutes without my hands getting… urgh…” She does know that massage and writing are two different things, right? Sadly, I’m not sure she did, which meant that Cami either thought the masseuses were writing on her back, or Cami writes by kneading her paper with her fist.
We then headed out to the golf course where Tyler was hitting some balls with… (fanfare)… Jason! That’s right, Jason Wahler, J-Wahl, oh bearded one was back! “How’s it going with Lauren?” Tyler asked, as I snickered quietly to myself.
“Everything’s going really good,” Jason said, adding, “Except for the fact that she dumped me, and I’ve been a mess, and I just wound up in jail. But aside from that, it’s gnarly!”
Jason then got the lowdown on who was hooking up with who, and when Tyler noted that Cameron was now dating Jessica, J-Wahl couldn’t help but exclaim, “Dude! That’s so creepy!” Yes, it terrifies me to the core!
And with that, Jason disappeared from the episode, only the spectral memory of his spacey drawl dancing in our minds. We then went to Cameron’s house where everyone was preparing for the big birthday celebration, and of course, bestest sidekick ever, Nick, was present to sooth his master’s party-planning anxieties. You see, Cameron was nervous that there’d be a Jessica/Tessa showdown; however, seeing that Tessa seems incapable of raising her voice beyond a meager squeak, I really didn’t think there’d be much drama.
Meanwhile, over at Beautiful Nails, Tessa was having her own anxieties: how to survive the manicurist’s brutal attack! Despite there being no nerve endings in nails, Tessa still cringed before hers were clipped, almost as if she expected to get sucker punched with each falling nail clip. Ever the instigator, Rocky asked Tessa if she was going to give Cameron a birthday kiss (read: blowjob), but Tessa said she wanted to see what the reaction would be once she showed up. Just guessing here, but I think that reaction will be general apathy, followed by a sigh and a yawn.
Finally, it was time for the partay! The terrible, terrible partay. The first thing we saw was Cameron and some other guy playing guitars for people, all of whom looked dreadfully bored. There was also a guy on bongos, but as you can imagine, he didn’t help anything. Jessica soon arrived with a frumpy friend, and the two of them wandered into the kitchen where they chatted with Cameron’s mom, a friendly looking woman with giant teeth not unlike her son’s. To be honest, there were a lot of things going on at this party, but I was really fixated on Jessica’s mystery friend, who sort of looked like the Maggie Gyllenhaal of Laguna Beach. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.
I feel like there’s a Joker joke somewhere…
Anyway, this party really seemed like it sucked, especially when it became apparent that everyone playing musical instruments with Cameron seemed to be forty or older. As for Jessica, she somehow got rid of her frumpy friend and wound up chatting with Cami about, you guessed it, Kyndra and Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler. I forgot pretty much what they were talking about, mostly because I was fixating on the giant cold sore on Jessica’s mouth. Ah, Jason may be gone, but he’s certainly not forgotten!
Meanwhile, if you were wondering why Kyndra was conspicuously absent from Cameron’s party, it’s because she was going on a date with Tyler, or Ty Ty, as she called him. Tyler picked her up at her house, and as Kyndra left, some random grandfatherly figure bid her adieu. I’ll assume that was her father, and I’ll also assume that he’s some sort of rich sugar daddy, which makes sense because Kyndra’s mom always had that aging trophy wife look about her. Anyway, Kyn and Ty headed to the Blue Fin restaurant where they dined on a fine meal of sushi. Kyndra was particularly impressed with Tyler’s proficient use of chopsticks, saying that he was “way too gnarly with those things!” Okay, calm down, Kyndra. It’s not like he was performing elaborate balancing tricks with the chopsticks. He was merely using them in their normal capacity. It would be like me saying to someone, “Whoa! The way you used that fork to stab the chicken was AMAZING!”
Anyway, as the two talked, Kyndra noted that she was fourteen when they met, and he was eighteen (Tyler thought he was seventeen, but she corrected him). She then innocently asked, “Isn’t it weird though to think that you’re already in college and not in high school anymore? Whenever I think about that–” Kyndra started before Tyler bitterly interjected, “Why is it such a big deal that you need to bring it up? I thought we were beyond that!” NEVER SPEAK OF COLLEGE AGAIN! Yes, for some reason, Tyler was absolutely livid that Kyndra would mention their academic status. I don’t know why. Maybe he wanted to talk about how wonderful the gifts were that he’d purchased for her instead. Either way, this was the rare situation where Kyndra was in the right. She seemed just as shocked as we were by Tyler’s reaction, and while she tried to remedy the situation the damage was done.
“Do you want to change the subject and talk about something else?” a snippy Tyler asked. His edamame was ruined! Here’s the thing, Tyler. If you don’t want to talk about the differences in college and high school, don’t date a high school girl.
Meanwhile, back at Cameron’s party, Jessica was busy telling idiotic stories that Cameron obviously wasn’t listening to. I say “obviously” because in the middle of a story, he would literally turn to someone else and strike up a conversation. Anyway, Tessa finally arrived with Rocky and Alex in tow, and just as we expected, she was brimming with horny optimism. Unfortunately, Cameron was nowhere to be found. That’s because he was out in the backyard gettin’ cozy with Jessica. Tessa, however, still thought she had a chance for romance. “Where’s the birthday boy? Well, I’m going to find him!” she said in a line that was clearly added during post-production. Proving to be a useless sidekick, Nick quickly spilled the beans on Cameron’s whereabouts, and Tessa went charging to the backyard to plant a big one on him. She stopped in her tracks, however, when out the window she saw her crush kissing Jessica. OMG! The horror! Who could ever imagine that a guy would kiss his girlfriend!
“I’m horrified with every bland bone in my body!”
With that, Tessa stormed out of the party with her friends, not even stopping to sing Happy Birthday. Of course, this all felt very stagey, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Tessa’s visit to the party was perfectly harmless and without drama. I mean, it’s Tessa. She doesn’t storm out of places.
The next day, Tessa and Rocky hung out on a porch and talked about Cameron. Tessa was all bummed about the situation, which means I guess she’ll go back to quietly fixating on Chase. “We can go beat him up or something,” Rocky suggested, clearly not realizing that battering Cameron’s face was not the way to get him on Baywatch. Raquel then came up with the better suggestion that Tessa and Cameron simply talk about the situation. Hmmm… I liked the physical assault plan more.
We then cut to the beach where Cameron was sitting with sidekick Nick and some guy named Derek. “Dude, I’m ready to work on my tan. I’m gonna get some abs after this,” Derek said, detailing what would surely be the motto for his life. Suddenly, Cameron’s phone began to ring, and he let out an urgent alert, “DUDE! Tessa’s calling me right now!”
Perhaps feeling badly for failing his Master the night before (you know, by telling Tessa where Cameron was), Nick jumped on the grenade and said, “I’ll tell her you’re not around!” And with that, Nick answered the phone and pretended that Cameron was off in the sea, surfing under Poseidon’s gaze (never mind that Cameron was guffawing just inches away from the phone).
Anyway, Nick actually wound up talking to Tessa for a little bit, trying to smooth things over between Cameron and her. I couldn’t be sure, but I think he was actually breaking up with her on Cameron’s behalf. Wow. That was above and beyond the sidekick call of duty. Amusingly, while Tessa shared her feelings with Nick, he interrupted to comment, “Dude, look at that wave!” He then added, “And look at that cloud! And that bird too! Are seagulls always white? Really? Shit.”
Ultimately, the two hung up, and as the guys rose to wander off somewhere, Nick commented, “Drama!” Yeah, man. Why are girls always so dramatic when guys hook up with them one night and with another girl another night? Stupid girls.
And with that, the show ended. What did you think of this episode?