LIKE OMG!!! I thought last week’s episode of Laguna Beach was like totally full of drama, but omg! Did you even see last night’s Spring Break show? Like there was so much drama! First Kyndra was like “Ew! I hate Tyler” and then she was all “I’m single and loving it!” but then Tyler was like “Slut!” and then he was like “I love you so much,” and Kyndra was like “I love you too!” and then they were like “Let’s suck face!” and Breanna was like “I’m gonna hook up with Derek!” and Derek was like “Kelan should hook up with Lexie,” and Lexie was like “I’m not going to hook up with Kelan!” and Kelan was all, “I have no balls!” and Derek was like “We’re so going to the zoo!” and Breanna was like “Look at the jetskis!” and Tessa was all, “I’m going to Virginia with Rocky!” It was like the most insane awesome Cabo trip ever! I totally want to go down there! Random!Yes, this week’s episode of Laguna Beach was chock full of drama once again. Funny how this season’s finally starting to heat up with only a few episodes left. Too bad. I guess this is all just a giant setup for next season, assuming there is one (ratings this year have been like totally in the toilet, omg!). Anyway, as per the tradition, the Spring Break episode delivered its usual drama, and even though most of it centered around the chronically uninteresting Kyndra and her romantic woes, the show still managed to be highly entertaining. I guess we can thank Breanna, Lexie, Derek, and even Kelan for stepping up and providing some hot and heavy action (or lack thereof). And I guess if we’re thanking Breanna, we should really be thanking ourselves. After all, it was J-Unit and I who liberated Breanna from a closet in her basement — thus precipitating her high profile return to Laguna Beach. Ew! Don’t sneer at us! It was like totally a joke! OMG!
Anyway, this week’s episode began with Kyndra packing for Cabo Wabo. Apparently home schoolers get a Spring Break too (and yes, Kyndra is home schooled). Coming over to watch her pack was none other than Cami — as if it could be anyone else. We all know that the most sacred ritual of sidekick-dom is watching a Master pack. Cami gladly rose to the challenge, taking a spot on the bed and observing as Kyndra lifted up an item and scoffed, “bebe’s. Like, what the hell? Since when did they get cute stuff?” Hey, stop attacking clothing you already own. Besides, if it’s good enough for Mischa “bebe is a great brand for fashion forward women” Barton, it should be good enough for you, Kyndra.
bebe: the preferred apparel for awkwardness.
Anyway, once Kyndra was able to grasp the idea that bebe could manufacture visually appealing garments, she then moved onto more pressing topics: Tyler. Yes, the waifish boy who had apparently dumped Kyndra after Valentine’s Day was now back in the picture, albeit, in a murky, mumbly sort of way. He’d been calling her incessantly, warning her not to hook up with people in Cabo. Even worse, from what we could gather from the conversation, it sounded like Tyler might actually be in Cabo too. Cami warned her Master (quite brazenly, I might add) that if the two of them argued all vacation long, then she would be super annoyed. Again, I was still wondering how this could all be since Tyler and Kyndra were supposed to be broken up. Then I realized I was spending entirely way too much time pondering the logistics of this stupid relationship and decided to simply move forward with my life.
“If Tyler stands in the way of my perfect Cabo trip, I don’t even know what’s going to happen,” Cami warned. Yes, who knew what might happen if Tyler destroyed Cami’s paradise. She might even say things on camera that she hadn’t rehearsed beforehand. She was gonna get that crazy!
After the opening credits, we headed over to dullsville as Tessa (snore) and Chase (double snore) babbled about Spring Break. Turns out neither of them were going. I didn’t know where Chase would be, but Tessa revealed that she would be going to Virginia to visit her family. YAWN. Who does she think she is? A normal teenager? Even worse, she was taking Rocky with her, which meant we’d be deprived of Raquel and any possible blueberry tracksuit sightings. Of course, we all know who the real victims of this arrangement were: Rocky’s parents. With Tessa in Virginia, who would they watch Garfield 2 with? For crying out loud, it’s a tail of two kitties!!!!
Nevertheless, Tessa and Chase couldn’t help but ponder what drama may develop in Cabo San Lucas. “I hope Kelan hooks up with Lexie,” Chase said. Gosh, like ten episodes later, and he’s still trying to push it. Kelan and Lexie have never seemed to like each other? Why the need for the hookup? Oh wait. Tessa had an answer:
“They’d be a hot couple,” she said. Oh. WELL! Then they should definitely hook up! I mean, granted, Kelan has never shown a discernible interest in THE LEXIE, but they’d sure as hell look good together!
Chase then asked Tessa how things were on the Derek front. As some of you may remember, the two lovebirds (or likebirds, really) called off their sultry romance last week when they realized that three sentences a week did not a love connection make. Tessa, it turns out, still liked Derek, but things were kind of awkward between them. Not to fear. Chase predicted that Spring Break might help things, saying that when Derek returns “he’s probably gonna be like ‘Oh, I missed you.’” Yeah. Or he’ll be like “Yeah, I just hooked up with like ten chicks.”
Ominously, we then cut to Breanna who was busy packing up for Spring Break and discussing the virtues of a new suntan lotion featuring the healing powers of aloe. Eagerly absorbing all this information was an enthusiastic girl named Kylie, who I don’t seem to remember being on the show before. I didn’t really know who this new person was, but by virtue of watching Breanna pack, she automatically ascended to sidekick status. Masters do not watch other Masters pack.
Anyway, Kylie turned out to be quite the feisty sidekick. When Breanna pondered who’d be hooking up on Spring Break, Kyle began peppering her with rapid-fire questions, saying, “Who do you want to hook up with? Who do you want to? Huh? Huh? You have someone in mind! Breanna, I can tell when you’re lying!” SETTLE DOWN, KYLIE! For goodness sake, she was shaking the bed with her excitement. I guess she really wanted to take advantage of this opportunity. It’s not often that one can be a sidekick to the Conrad family. I mean, it’s like being asked to hang out with Brad Pitt for the day — you’re gonna try to make the most of it, maybe get invited back.
Nevertheless, Breanna revealed a very scandalous intent: she wanted to hook up with Derek (he does have such a magnetic personality, after all). Well, naughty Breanna going after Tessa’s sloppy seconds! Wasn’t that a bold move going after Tessa’s man? Apparently not! Rarely seen matriarch Kathy Conrad suddenly stepped in to offer her opinion. “Oh, you know what? I think that’s a stupid rule. Once you’re broken up, you’re broken up. It’s free game,” she said. Let it be known: Tessa’s right to Derek has been vetoed by the Conrad Court of Appeals!
Then again, did Tessa even have any claims to Derek in the first place? As far as I could tell, their relationship consisted of one sushi dinner, three awkward interactions, and a few spare mumbles.
Anyway, we then heard the familiar refrains of OK Go, and then we were down in sunny Cabo San Lucas where everyone was galavanting around, enjoying the relaxed liquor policies for sure. I’m glad everyone was having fun. Sometimes, when you live in a sunny, beautiful beach community in California, you really need to get away to a sunny, beautiful beach community in Mexico.
Arriving at the luxury accommodations first were the boys, including Derek (or D-Rock) who expressed a desire to go to the gym immediately. He was probably joking, but you know if someone said okay, he would have been like “YES!” Once the guys checked out their immaculate lodgings, Derek then talked about how excited he was for Breanna and Lexie to arrive. “I’m just gonna spit mad, mad game.” Yes. I’M SURE. He’ll surely regale them with tails of monosyllabic splendor.
Ultimately, Derek announced, “Dude, this is going to be the best Spring Break of our lives!” It’ll be worth the herpes!
Meanwhile, down in the lobby, Kyndra and Cami waltzed in, and I’d like to take this time to thank Cami for donning her finest Captain and Tenille garb. The Loveboat convention shall be contacting you shortly.
The girls then headed out to a balcony to check out the pool, and in perhaps the boldest move all year, MTV decided to film them from an extremely low angle, which provided great amusement when a gust of wind suddenly blew Kyndra’s skirt up. Don’t worry, she was wearing underwear, but that still didn’t erase the uneasy feeling I had that I was watching some pervert’s fantasy.
Kyndra and Cami then made their way down to the pool where they met up with several other of their classmates. Amidst the crowd was none other than Tyler, who apparently didn’t mind how pathetic it was that he was a college kid on Spring Break with a bunch of high schoolers. That’s okay though. He was tough and cool, as evidenced by the rebellious puffs of smoke he exhaled every so often.
“Someday, I’ll even hit puberty…”
Anyway, we then were treated to a quick montage of cavorting in the pool, the highlight of which was Cameron yelling, “Your boobs are falling out, Cami!” I’m pretty sure that was the point, dude.
Nick W. points out the obvious…
Meanwhile, next to the pool Tyler sat with his buddies, planning out his hookup ambitions: “We were just saying, no chicks from Laguna. All fuckin’ new chicks!” Yes, that sounds like a great plan. Too bad you’re hanging out with ALL CHICKS FROM LAGUNA.
Later on that night, while Kyndra dined with Candice and some other people at a restaurant, Tyler walked by with EJ (a.k.a. “Tyler’s friend.” Apparently he’s no longer “Alex’s Friend”). Nevertheless, he randomly told Kyndra, “We’ve got stage five ‘cling-ons’ right now with us.” Seriously, the Laguna kids LOVE Wedding Crashers. Tessa better put that on her Netflix queue for Rocky’s parents…
Well, Kyndra did not appreciate Tyler stopping by her table, and so she asked him rather directly to leave. “Don’t point fingers when you live in a glass house!” he replied, clearly not realizing that it’s best not to THROW STONES in a glass house either. But seriously, don’t point fingers in a glass house. Otherwise, you might get smudges on the glass, and that’s really annoying and stuff. Other things you don’t want to do in a glass house: BE AN IDIOT.
Nevertheless, Tyler and his posse moved on, leaving Kyndra to bitch and complain about him at her table. Around this time, I noticed that she was dining with older people, including a lady who looked like her mom. What the? We then cut to one of the women at the table, and it turned out to be… TYLER’S MOM??? Never mind why she was there and never mind that her son is a total idiot, but she just sat there while Kyndra bashed him to her face? And way to show class, Kyndra, talking shit about Tyler in front of his mom. At least have a modicum of respect and do what we do: bash behind people’s backs!
Anyway, Kyndra eventually left her table and gave Tyler a piece of her mind, saying she didn’t appreciate him bringing other girls around, interrupting dinner with her friends and family in the process. But wait, aren’t they not together? Shouldn’t this all not matter? And why were there so many parents around?
Of course, if there’s one person who can make Kyndra seem redeemable, it’s Tyler, who condescendingly said, “Did you get it all out? Are you done?” This was a mildly shocking reaction, considering it’s Tyler’s who’s been the whiny baby of the season. Nevertheless, the two ended the conversation on not such great terms, and later on, all the girls (including Cami in a booby-licious dress) headed out to a club. “I am so single, it’s disgusting!” Kyndra announced, surely mistaking the words “single” for “classless.”
We then saw Cami and Kyndra dancing up a sexy storm… in a completely empty bar. Whooohooo! Crrrrrraaaazy!
It’s the hottest club in all of Cabo!
Luckily, people eventually filtered into this club, and having reached an optimal level of drunkenness for promiscuous behavior, Kyndra then sidled up next to Cameron and began flirting voraciously. “I’m single,” she proclaimed as Tyler watched from afar (while dancing and smoking by himself. One wild and crazy guy!). Also observing the proceedings was Tyler’s sister Nikki, who appeared ready to tattle to Tyler if need be. Other things she was ready for: pure, unadulterated cocaine!
Well, eventually, Kyndra and Cameron rose from their booth and headed across the dancefloor, most likely with intent to go make out somewhere. Unfortunately, their retreat was broken up by Tyler who seethed, “You’re a fucking slut.”
“I’ve known Cameron for like four years now,” Kyndra replied, surely using “known” in the most Biblical of senses. Anyway, the argument suddenly went soft when Kyndra asked Tyler why he was even down in Cabo in the first place (Finally! Someone asked it!), and he answered, “I’m sorry. But you know that I love you.” Of course! That’s why he called you a slut! It’s truly the highest form of endearment someone could express just shy of an engagement ring.
Unfortunately, since Kyndra’s something of a shallow girl, she immediately fell for this transparent line (and there were others which I didn’t feel like transcribing), which meant that as far as we could tell, she and Tyler were back together. So much for being so single that it was disgusting. Meanwhile, poor Cameron was still standing around, probably with half a boner still. Poor guy. I think this was the definition of cocktease. As for Tyler, he told his girl, “I’d love to hang out with you tonight.” Translation: “Let’s have wild sex on every surface of my suite (assuming Nikki hasn’t already gotten it dirty with cocaine).”
Sure enough, the two headed out to the dance floor and promptly began making out. Then again, “making out” is an understatement. Tyler looked like he was trying to literally eat her face. It’s as if he were a hungry dog lapping up table scraps on her face. As you can imagine, everyone in the vicinity was completely grossed out. And by “the vicinity,” I mean AMERICA.
The next day, Cameron, Derek, and Kelan all lounged around the pool, observing Tyler from afar and mocking how pathetic he was. Good times. Later, Cameron fell out of the picture as Derek and Kelan joined up with Breanna and THE LEXIE on a jetski adventure. As you can imagine, it was quite exciting to see The Lexie traveling at such high, dangerous speeds. Surely this would cause a great scandal throughout all the landed gentry of Laguna!
After fun times were had by all, the quartet all took seats on the beach where Lexie asked what the guys were up to later. “We’re going to the zoo,” Derek announced proudly.
“Again?” the girls both asked.
“OH YEAH!” Derek replied. He LOVED the Cabo zoo! He then asked, “Why would you want to go anywhere else?” Um, maybe not everyone enjoys spending their Spring Break watching caged animals.
Sadly, I quickly realized that Derek wasn’t talking about an actual zoo zoo. No, he was referring to that bar from the night before, which was named “Zoo.” To be fair, Derek did say he was going to the zoo, which is why I was so confused. Nevertheless, I could understand why he was so excited to check out Zoo again. That lady in the pink: total hottie!
Anyway, while Derek pined for cheesy clubs, Kyndra, Cami, and Candice all sat around a table and ate sushi. I was encouraged to see that Kyndra remained at the cutting edge of fashion, what with her top that seemed to be assembled from either mosquito netting or a cheesecloth. Nevertheless, Kyndra may have been très chic, but her actions the night before had truly angered Cami — so much so that the crabby sidekick had to throw around words like “irate.” Apparently Candice was annoyed too, mostly because Kyndra had reveled in her single status so much but then completely caved to Tyler after like two seconds.
“It’s like pathetic,” Cami said. “I mean, I know, you’re not pathetic.” She then added, “I’m so sorry, my Master! Please don’t drop me as your sidekick! Please! I beg of you!”
Well, Kyndra had no response to any of this beyond chewing with her mouth open like a suntanned yak. We then cut to later that night at Zoo where none other than Lexie was gettin’ down with her bad self. Breanna and Derek, meanwhile, were cozying up to each other in a booth, with the song “Tipsy” appropriately playing in the background. Just when we thought they were going to hook up, Derek suddenly announced, “We need to get Lexie and Kelan together!” Seriously, people. Just stop. It’s not going to happen. THEY DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER. Let it go…
Finally, Derek and Breanna cut to the chase and began swapping spit right there in the corner. This caught the attention of Lexie, whose jaw predictably dropped within seconds. Once again, THE LEXIE WAS AGHAST!
Looks like Breanna’s getting D-ROCKED!
We then cut to Kelan, who sat silently as usual (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually know how to speak), and then we went back to Lexie, who now seemed to be perturbed by something or another. She kept looking urgently to her left and her right. THE LEXIE WAS EXPERIENCING GREAT SENSATIONS OF ALARM! Perhaps she was in need of another beverage. Somebody fetch a yeoman!
Since apparently the Derek smoochfest was over, Breanna suddenly appeared at Lexie’s side and asked, “Want to hook up with Kelan?” To which Lexie shook her head no.
“I’m not pressuring you. I’m just asking,” Breanna added. Yes, no pressure at all. Meanwhile, Bree-Bree asked this right in front of Kelan. He probably was stoned, however, because he didn’t notice any of this conversation whatsoever.
“I almost feel like people are talking about me… right under my nose…”
Moments later, Derek pulled Kelan aside and asked, “What’s wrong with you, Kelan? What’s wrong, bro?” I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him: he doesn’t like it when you keep telling him to hook up with a girl he has no interest with (especially if she’s standing right next to him). Shockingly, Kelan actually broke his silence, suddenly yelling at the top of his lungs: “I can’t stand it anymore! I just can’t fucking do it anymore!!!” Wow. Consider that man head over heels in love with Lexie!
But wait! Maybe he was! Kelan then lamented to Derrick, “I just don’t have the fuckin’ balls, dude!” Did this mean he actually liked Lexie? Probably not. It was most likely tricky editing. Elsewhere in the club, Tyler arrived looking like even more of a douchebag than ever. Even worse, he was dancing with another girl, causing Kyndra to yell, “Slut! Slut!” She actually seemed to be in the right because after all that talk about how Tyler loved Kyndra, he then began making out with this random trollop right there on the dancefloor. Idiot. Stick a fork in it: this relationship was dunzo. Again. Until the next time Tyler wins Kyndra over with loving words and tacky baubles.
The next morning, Derek and Kelan ate breakfast, with the former commenting, “Everyone’s lost their voices. It’s outrageous!” Why yes, it is quite outrageous indeed! Some might call it downright astounding. Derek will surely never forget this unexpected turn of events!
Soon the guys began discussing Lexie, with Kelan saying, “I’ll never understand her, dude.” That’s right. The Lexie is an impenetrable enigma that no mere mortal can ever unravel. She shall forever be cloaked in dark mystery! Such is The Lexie!
Speaking of which, Lexie was presently hanging out with Breanna, talking about the shenanigans with Derek from the night before. The two briefly pondered how the brief hookup would affect things with Tessa, but Bree-Bree insisted that Tessa should just “get over it!” And honestly, I’m sure Tessa would be fine. After a lighthearted viewing of Manhattan Murder Mystery with Rocky’s parents, she’d be all set.
As the episode ended, we found Cami and Kyndra checking out of the hotel, complaining about Tyler and whatnot. “I feel bad for your that you had to deal with my ass,” Kyndra said to her sidekick in perhaps her most thoughtful comment all season. Ultimately, the girls stood around looking like they both had bugs up their asses, and finally they left, headed back to the dreary, mundane world of Laguna Beach. Such an intolerable existence!
It’s sad when these girls make Paris and Nicole look like luminaries.
What did you think about this episode? Was it right for Breanna to hook up with Derek? And what did you think about the whole Kyndra/Tyler situation?