OMG! Just when we were starting to like totally get into this season of Laguna Beach, it like totally ended on us! It was like totally sad! There was like a graduation and everything, and Cameron was all “I’m gonna miss my friends,” and Derek was like “I’m gonna miss high school,” and Kyndra was all, “You better cry!” and Cameron was like “They’re my friends!” and Rocky was like “I hope Alex doesn’t dump me now!” and her mom was like, “I just want you to be happy,” but she said it like “Hoppy” so it sound like totally funny. But then Breanna was all about writing a letter to Rocky, and Rocky was like “OMG! We’re friends again!” and Tessa was like “WHATEVS!” but like totally quiet. I was like crying the whole time, it was so sweet!!! OMG!!!Okay, I didn’t cry. Like Cameron, I am a man, and I keep my feelings inside. Then again, even if I were expressive, there wasn’t much in this episode to get the waterworks going. Granted, people left and friends reconciled, but I wouldn’t call this the most moving installment in the Laguna pantheon. The good news was that there was plenty of drama to go around, and even though it looked like she might be left out of the hour altogether, our favorite girl, The Lexie, managed to sneak in for a riveting discussion about the perils of sardines in the Caesar Salad universe.
Ah, but I’m getting ahead of myself. The big finale started with none other than Susie greeting us from Times Square where she alerted us that after the season finale, we could go online and see the “after party” with the whole cast. Wow! Can’t wait to not watch it! To be honest, I was kind of debating logging on, but then Susie mentioned that there’d be a live performance from Open Air Stereo. I think that was supposed to be a selling point, but instead it just made me avoid MTV.com as if it were the cyber plague.
Anyway, Susie finally shut up, and the show began at long last. Tessa gave us a whole recap of the year, and she ever so euphemistically breezed over her promiscuous endeavors by saying, “I had a lot of fun hanging out with the popular boys.” And by “hanging out,” she meant “makin’ out with all night long.” Alas, as fun as it was, she admitted, “I never found true love.” OH SADNESS!!! To think, she’s seventeen and she hasn’t found true love??? It’s all over for you now, CRONE! Enjoy life as a spinster!
By the way, I too am completely shocked that Tessa was unable to find true love with Derek and Cameron. I mean, they’re just sparkling with personality! Just like Tessa!
Tessa then elaborated as to why Cupid seemed to have ignored her completely: “Probably because I compared everyone to Chase.” Well, that’s a wonderful standard. I’m sure no man can live up to his unrivaled glut of insightful comments, fascinating observations, and generally complex demeanor.
Yes, Tessa compared everyone to Chase, but big problem: “Too bad his first love is music,” she said, adding, “Terrible, terrible music. The kind of music you never, ever want to hear again in your life, especially not on MTV.com.”
Once the recap was over, Tessa and Rocky entered the latter’s house (as if they’d ever go to Tessa’s) where they talked about graduation coming up. Raquel revealed that she was going to give an iPod Nano to Alex, which he was sure to like on account of its general shininess. We also learned that Derek and Kelan would be graduating, which was a surprise to me since I thought everyone on this season except Alex was a junior. Nevertheless, Raquel simply could not believe that her boy would be forever leaving high school behind. “It’s so weird that he’s graduating!” she said, adding, “Literally. I never thought he’d pass all his classes. He doesn’t say a word!”
We then saw the opening credits and this week’s title, “See You In A Decade.” I think the more apt phrase would have been “See You At The MTV Reunion Show,” but that’s just me. Anyway, up at Alta Laguna Park, we found Cami and Kyndra playing tennis for no real reason. I think the girls just wanted to showcase their various assets: for Kyndra, her thighs, and for Cami, well, do I even have to say? (Her boobies).
Well, this scene turned out to be the funniest scene ever between these two harpies, but that’s only because at one point, while Kyndra was walking, she accidentally hit the net with her racquet, causing her to double over and fall to the ground. Trust me, it was a hell of a lot funnier than how I described it. What can I say? I love slapstick — especially when it results in a possible Kyndra-injury. Or as I like to call it, a Kyndrury. I just was shocked that afterwards, she didn’t somehow blame Tessa for it all, accusing her of maliciously placing the net in the middle of the court.
As the girls took a breather from their intense, one-volley match, Cami did joke, “You probably can’t have kids anymore.” Hallelujah. Let’s keep those genetics off the market, know what I’m saying? Kyndra then alerted her sidekick that it was imperative that she take photos tonight. Like OMG! She totally needs to document graduation!!! As for the social roster for the day, Kyndra then stated, “There’s no more graduation plans other than, like, crying.” Wow. That wasn’t incredibly depressing at all!
The girls then played a round of rock, paper, scissors to see who “won” the tennis match, and I couldn’t help thinking this little scene had been totally premeditated by them. I could just imagine them speaking on the phone, saying, “Hey, it would be so hilarious if we play rock, paper, scissors to determine the outcome of a tennis game. It will have the sort of sassy indifference that will make people think we’re the next Paris and Nicole!” Of course, they probably didn’t say all that. The words “indifference” and “determine” probably don’t exist in Kyndra’s vocabulary (and I’m not putting any bets on “sassy,” “think,” or “the” either).
Meanwhile, over at a surfboard shop, Cameron and Nick W. were browsing through long-boards when suddenly we realized something earth-shattering: Nick W. was a senior!!!. What??? But he’s a sidekick! Are we meant to believe that a senior is a sidekick to a junior? That almost destroys everything I’ve known about the Master/sidekick phenomenon. Surely a senior could never be so supplicant to a junior, but I guess the world of Masters and sidekicks is significantly more complex than I ever realized. Wow. What a massive breakthrough. I feel like Pierre AND Marie Curie, all rolled into one (but less radioactive)!
Of course, the craziest part of all this was realizing that not only was his main sidekick a senior, but all his sidekicks were seniors too: Kelan, Derek, etc. I mean, this was turning my world upside-down. If someone told me there was a pack of seniors and one junior that hung out with them, I would automatically assume it was the junior who was the universal, shared sidekick. Who would have thought they’d all be sidekicks to young kid??? There has to be a rational excuse. Wait a second… now it’s all coming together… maybe Cameron was… held back! I will have to investigate…
Anyway, Cameron decided to step into sidekick role temporarily as he peppered Nick W. with all sorts of questions, specifically about what was next for him. “Graduation night,” Nick replied.
“Graduation. Well, this is a given,” Cameron snapped back. He then quickly reverted to Master mode as he literally ordered Nick W. to bring him photos from childhood. Consider this foray into sidekick-dom OVER.
Well, Cameron then groused about how bummed he was that he couldn’t graduate that night also. Nick tried to console him, saying that there were cool kids in Cameron’s grade, but considering that we’ve seen none of them this entire season, something tells me Cameron’s in for a very loooong senior year.
We then headed over to Kelan’s house where he was learning the intricacies of mortarboards. Tassel to the left or to the right? While he pondered the proper etiquette, his dad then handed him a nifty graduation present: a brand new MacBook from Apple! How delightful! Simultaneously, over at Alex’s house, Rocky handed over the aforementioned iPod Nano to her boyfriend. Yes, apparently tonight’s episode has been brought to us by the good people at Apple. I half expected Justin Long to show up and deliver a keynote address at graduation about how easy life is for him, a personified Macintosh. (And let’s face it, PCs are so Mission Viejo).
Well, Alex absolutely loved his iPod, telling Rocky, “Get out of here!” He then added, “Seriously, get out of here. I only want to be with the Nano now.” Okay, he didn’t say that, but for all you wondering, Alex was wearing his favorite white, wrinkly linen shirt (for the fourth time in three episodes). You know, the Nano was nice and all, but how about getting him another shirt.
Back at Kelan’s house, the boyz had shown up, ready to head on over to graduation. There was some general banter about how crazy this all was, and of course Derek revealed that he already missed high school (for some reason, I feel like he’ll be back someday. Quite possibly as a phys ed instructor). Cami and Kyndra also showed up looking their hootchie best, and the answer is yes, Cami’s mammaries were on full display. She was actually wearing a strapless gettup, which made this scene infinitely more suspenseful than it ever should have been. Would a wardrobe malfunction be far off?
“Hey boys! The skanks are here!”
Finally, it was time for graduation, held at Laguna’s own outdoor venue, The Pageant of the Masters (or whatever it’s called). There was general excitement as we saw all the seniors filing in, and as the ceremony went on, Kyndra randomly barked at Cameron to stand up and cheer when the names are announced. WELL! Bitch don’t need to tell Cameron when to cheer! He turned to the town skank and said, “I actually chill with these people. When was the last time you did? Honestly? Maybe like five times all year?” OUCH! But wait! I thought she was the queen of the school (even though she’s homeschooled)! Are you meaning to tell me that she’s not as popular as she claims?? Well, interestingly enough, we could see Cameron’s usual BS smile crack momentarily as he then seethed, “I’m gonna cheer these people, obviously… you don’t have to tell me to cheer for them.” Not only was I immensely proud to see Cameron stand up to Kyndra like that, I was glad to see what appeared to be a little complexity to his personality. Previously, he’s always been just a goofball, a guy who occasionally can make very pointed comments (relatively speaking). Here he actually seemed to have something brewing under the surface. Orrrr maybe I’m just reading too far into things. Yeah, that’s probably it.
“Seriously, shut the f**k up, you stupid bitch.”
Anyway, the rest of graduation unfolded without incident (beyond the glaring continuity errors that came from seeing the venue at night, then at dusk, then at night again). There were lots of hugs and kisses, Cami crying, some other random girl crying, more hugs, and general joy. If only Open Air Stereo could have played…
After the commercial break, we saw a sandpiper scurrying along the beach. What, pray tell, could this feathered omen lead to? Not much. We then headed over to Derek’s house where Cameron was busying relaying his clash with Kyndra the night before. You see, there was all sorts of unfortunate timing because Cam was going to be hosting a Beginning of Summer BBQ — and he was throwing the party with Kyndra. Oh drats! This could ruin everything! Another Beginning of Summer BBQ blighted irreparably!
Meanwhile, over at her house, Rocky ambled into her parents’ bedroom where her mom, Robin, was busy sitting on a chair, possibly waiting for Tessa to return from Blockbuster with Jefferson In Paris. Anyway, the two talked about Alex and how he was going off to college and what that would do to the relationship blah blah blah. I couldn’t help wondering why Robin was looking so northeast-preppy-J.Crewish. Did she even know where she was living??? Hellllo — you’re in Laguna Beach. This is no place to be looking refined! Methinks somebody’s been watching the Barefoot Contessa a bit too much.
Anyway, Robin honed her inner-therapist as she assaulted her daughter with questions, and finally, the inevitable happened: Rocky began to cry… through her nose! A medical feat! Okay, she didn’t cry through her nose, but the way her tears were falling, it really looked like they were dropping out of her nostril. It was funny to me, dammit!
We then headed over to the much-hyped Beginning of Summer BBQ where Chase extolled the culinary offerings. “That steak is incredible!” he said, causing Chef Derek to modestly reply, “Trust me, I know.” The man is proud of his beef. Meanwhile, inside the house, Cameron and Kyndra had a brief powwow to discuss their impending toast to the seniors. She yammered on about her thoughts and ideas, and Cameron merely nodded, looking like he was repressing the urge (that we all share) to take her head and slam it into the table. The two went out into the backyard where they brusquely told everyone to shut the fuck up and listen. They had created a video to celebrate all the seniors, and yes, it was one of those cheesy items featuring picture after picture after picture of all these kids from their childhood. I once went to a Bat Mitzvah out here, and there was one of these videos. It lasted thirty minutes. Thirty minutes. Luckily, this Laguna production only lasted about forty-five seconds for us. I particularly liked the way it began with images of fog and clouds flowing over the Laguna coast. Yes, apparently this video took place IN HEAVEN.
You have graduated… to the afterlife.
We then saw various photos of all the friends over the years (and yes, I did see Cedric in a human pyramid). It was actually a very sweet moment, ruined by the all too frequent sound of Kyndra quacking, “I LOVE IT” every few seconds. Everyone seemed to enjoy the video, and Nick W. seemed particularly pensive in the audience. We could just imagine his inner monologue: “I’ll never have a Master as good as Cameron again. Never.”
Cedric — in a position he most likely knows very well.
Derek, dressed up like Cedric for Halloween.
After the commercial break, we found Kelan and Cameron hanging out at the beach. Poor Kelan was nervous for college, fearing that he might just fail out. Plus, he’d be up in Los Angeles a lot for the band. Cameron told him, “You’re just gonna like have to make all new friends. That’s weird.” Yes, what a crazy phenomenon: new friends. Pssshh. Whatever THAT is.
Kelan then told Cam that he’d spoken with his future roommate, who seemed pretty cool. “Hopefully obeys the sock on the door rule,” Kelan laughed, not that he’d ever be invoking said rule. Don’t think the Lexie disaster won’t spell sexual trepidation.
Cameron then grumbled that life at school wouldn’t be the same now that all his friends were leaving. He just didn’t know how senior year would be able to compare to his super awesome junior year. Poor Cam. A Master without sidekicks. Meanwhile, over at the Cactus Kingdom, Rocky had some surprising news. She had received a letter from Breanna that was all apologetic and thoughtful and, dare I say it, mature. “It’s gnarly!” Raquel told her mother, who had de-Hampton-ized a bit since last we saw her.
“That makes me happy,” Robin said, although, for whatever reason, it really sounded like she had said, “That makes me hoppy.” And that in turn made me quite happy, er, hoppy, especially when she then asked her daughter, “Does that make you hoppy?” The answer was yes, Raquel was quite hoppy about the prospect of mending with Breanna. She actually pulled out the letter, which was oddly addressed to “Raquel (aka Smeed) lol.” Huh? Was Breanna meaning to tell us that the girl we’ve always known as Raquel/”Rocky” is actually Raquel/”Smeed”? And were we supposed to lol after ever mention of “Smeed”? I was so confused (and decided unhoppy).
Anyway, Breanna basically said in her letter that she was really sorry for hurting Rocky and that she didn’t mean to hurt her etc. etc.. Additionally, she wrote, “I also want you to know that I have absolutely no problem with you being friends with Tessa.” She then added, “As long as you never bring her within a fifty yard radius of me. EVER.” Okay, Bree-Bree didn’t say that, but the letter was mature enough that Rocky then told her mom, “I want to go meet her.” Yes, go take her to a café and make her cry ALL OVER AGAIN.
Of course, this all raised a very serious question: how would Tessa react? Robin said, “If Tessa loves you, then she will be hoppy for you.” And she was right, but then again, Robin was a mature adult, and Tessa was, well, a squeaky teenage girl. Something tells me this wasn’t gonna end well for the Tessaquel union.
Speaking of Tessa, we then found her over at Chase’s house where the two were having an interminably long and boring conversation. Chase revealed that he had just had an “intense call” from his manager. I wonder what could have made it so intense. Did Chase take the call mid-hang gliding expedition? Turns out the intensity stemmed from the manager’s order to pack a suitcase for a month-long stint in Los Angeles. Ah, but school was about to start. What would Chase do? Well, Tessa asked him if he had asked his manager for more information, but as expected, Chase replied with a spacey “No.” He then added, “You see, Tessa, I’m what most people call AN IDIOT.”
Okay, he didn’t say that, but Tessa did then ask, “When you become a big rock star, are you gonna come and hang out with me?” To which Chase replied, “Who are you again? Is your name Maria? Francine? Roberta? It’s Roberta, isn’t it.”
Poor Tessa. So much was happening so quickly. People were graduating, Chase was moving away — everything was changing! At least she could still rely on the knowledge that Rocky still hated Breanna with all her guts. OR DID SHE? We then found Raquel arriving at the Conrad Compound where family matriarch (and TVgasm commenter!) Kathy Conrad greeted her with a big, warm hug. God, Laguna mothers LOVE when their daughters reconcile! Anyway, after some general small talk about the Conrad dogs and the degree to which they had grown (or not grown, as was the case), Rocky then went downstairs to commence Friendship Summit 2006. She and Breanna sat on a bed and kicked things off with… awkward silence. Soon, however, they began to chat, and a few smiles and hugs later, they agreed that they could get their friendship back on track. And how would they do that? They would forget about the past year and just move forward. That’s right, some good ol’ repression! Smell ya later, Tessa!
“Well, in the last year I joined a biker gang from Mission Viejo. Here’s my tat.”
After the commercial break, we then went to Alex’s house where Rocky was explaining the whole Bree-Bree situation to him. You see, she wanted to be friends with her again, but she didn’t want to piss Tessa off, and as we all know, none can withstand the brutal wrath of TESSA. No mere mortal has survived the fury of her mild shrugs, quiet squeaks, and general, yet EVIL, silence! Actually, Rocky probably just didn’t want her parents to lose their favorite DVD buddy. After all, if Tessa wasn’t around anymore, suddenly it was Rocky who’d have to stay in on Saturday to watch An Ideal Husband.
Anyway, Alex felt they should all sit down and talk, and when Raquel feared such tactics wouldn’t work, Alex then stroked her arm — his favorite new hobby. It would all work out, he said. Of course, during all this, he was packing for college, causing Rocky to volunteer that he could “pack me.” Wow, that sounded a lot kinkier than I think she expected.
While Alex pondered ways that he could fit Raquel into a duffel bag, we then went over to Kelan’s house where it was time for him to say goodbye. Cameron came over for this big occasion, and in the process, he happened to address Kelan’s mom by her first name, something I always find weird from high schoolers. To this day, my high school friends still address my parents with Mrs. and Mr..
Anyway, Cameron and Kelan shared a hearty goodbye hug, and as he walked away, we could see that Cam was trying to play it cool, but his little world was slowly crumbling — or departing — around him. What else to do but call up our old friend Jessica. Yes, Cameron called Jess up and told her that Kelan had just “bailed.” When she asked where he had bailed to, Cameron replied college — “You know, some people actually go to school.” OUCH! Might we have a new TVgasm writer in our midst? (It would work quite well. We are actively seeking to fill our “super round head” quota).
“Goodbye, my fair Kelan.”
While Cameron ragged on his old girlfriend/not-girlfriend/whatever, we then headed over to Raquel’s house where she was busy breaking the news to Tessa that she was seeing other friends. Needless to say, it did not go over well. Tessa was convinced that Breanna hated her, and when Rocky tried to quell those fears, Tessa revealed, “I’ve heard her say those words: ‘I hate Tessa.’” Yes, but that doesn’t mean she hates you. It just means she… well… um… thinks you have really pretty hair?
Things went from bad to worse as Rocky then revealed that she would be having lunch with Breanna. Tessa merely stood there silent, eventually letting out a quiet, barely audible whisper, “Whatever…” She then stormed out of the house (although, I suspect there was some MTV editing magic at work), and we were left to wonder if this friendship had suddenly soured. This video doesn’t help things…
We then headed over to the beach where Cameron and Jessica had laid out a blanket and were having a “talk.” Not a “talk” like about their relationship. Well, there was a little of that. But it was more a chance for Cameron to vent about his feelings a bit. He talked about how he was going to miss his boys, and how his crew was quite possibly the best crew EVER. Oddly enough, I really felt for the guy. In his own, spikey-haired way, he seemed vulnerable and kind of lost, and it was surprisingly heartwarming to see him looking for support in Jessica (who also was impressively more mature than normal — what is going on with this episode??). Cam then told Jessica that she was one of his best friends, which seemed sincere and heartfelt, but about two seconds later, I began to suspect that maybe he was looking for some afternoon nookie. Jessica wasn’t about to give it up, however, and Cameron then apologized to her for not being able to be the man she wanted him to be. “I’m sorry I was the wrong boy,” he said. Hey, it’s not your fault you’re not J-Wahl (to whom I’m sure Jessica still has an enormous shrine).
We then went to commercial yet again, and when we returned, we were at (snore) Chase’s house. Cameron, continuing his episode-long odyssey for friendship and meaning in life, walked into Chase’s room where he not only rediscovered his old skateboard, but also… well, yeah, that was pretty much it. Chase was busy packing up for his stint up in Los Angeles, and so Cameron was forced into an awkward position: he had to watch someone pack. That’s right: he had taken up the traditional sidekick role. Man, he really was doing some soul-searching if he was willing to be a packer-watcher. No Master ever does that. Nevertheless, the two babbled on about girls and whatnot, and at one point, Chase debated whether or not to bring his “skim” up to L.A.. Cameron said he should ABSOLUTELY bring his skim. “You get to stick it in your room and tell girls, ‘Hey, I’m from Laguna Beach. I skimboard.’” And I’m sure all you ladies out there can agree, nothing gets the juices flowing like meeting a guy who can skimboard! Especially a guy from Laguna Beach, the birthplace of skimboarding, which originated in the 1920s when lifeguards used plywood boards to surf along the shallows sands! Sorry, Wikipediagasm.
Eventually, it was time for Cameron to leave and go in search of new potential sidekicks. Just before he headed off, however, he asked Chase if he had said goodbye to Tessa. Doh! Chase had totally forgotten. Unthinkable! Who can ever forget about Tessa?
We then headed over to the St. Regis where all of our favorite Laguna ladies had convened for lunch. In attendance were Tara, Cami, Kyndra, Candace, and — at long last — The Lexie. This veritable reincarnation of the Algonquin Round Table discussed the upcoming senior year, with all the girls emphatically using the word “scary” about thirty times within ten seconds. Plucky Tara tried to say something about how it might not be as scary as everyone was saying, but this drew the ire of her Master as The Lexie suddenly asked, “You’re not scared at all??”
“No! I’m scared!” Tara said quickly, adding, “My deepest apologies, your royal highness. I should have expressed my fear more vocally in your presence. Please take this necklace as a token of my penitence.”
Salads soon arrived at the table, causing Lexie to recount a horrifying story in which she had found a sardine in her Caesar Salad!! Surely, I thought this would yield gasps all around, but instead, Tara, of all people, chirped, “Well, that’s what a Caesar salad… it’s supposed to be like that.” Yes, but what if the Caesar salad came with a heaping side of… FOIE GRAS???
Conversation soon drifted from sardines to Breanna and how she was rekindling her friendship with Raquel. This then led to further discussion about Tessa, with some girls complaining that she was so gosh darn full of herself. Cami made a few pseudo-wretching sounds, saying, “I have one more year to be annoyed by them.” Similarly, a quick glance at the watch revealed that we only had five more minutes to be annoyed by Cami. What a glorious night.
“Guys, I really don’t think it’s fair that I was the only one to dress like an ancient Greek goddess.”
Elsewhere in the ‘Guna, Rocky and Alex met up at the beach to talk about their future, what with Alex heading off to college shortly. Raquel wanted to know what he wanted to do, and at first, it looked like they were headed for Splitsville. Alex kept mentioning how looong senior year would be and how difficult a relationship might be to maintain. Surely he was looking for an out, but I was wrong. The two decided to stay together, and Alex was so happy that he even touched Raquel’s hand.
“You like my hand?” she asked.
“Yeah, I do like your hand,” he replied. Other things he likes: bouncy balls, mittens, and bubbles.
Anyway, Alex then announced he had a gift for Rocky. An iSight from Apple? No, it was merely a ring. I didn’t get a close look at it, but from I could see, it didn’t look particularly, uh, pretty. But it’s the thought that counts, right?
We then headed over to Chase’s house where he was presently leaving a message on Tessa’s voicemail, saying something to the effect of “Yeah, well, it’s been nice knowing you.” Unfortunately, because MTV started the show a few minutes late (thanks, SUSIE), my Tivo then cut off the last few minutes, which meant I didn’t get to see how this all resolved itself. Did Tessa show up? Did she kiss Chase? Was it the most boring season cliffhanger ever? I’ll assume yes to all of the above.
And that was basically that. The season was dunzo. What did you think about the season finale? And how about the season? Is this show done, or is their potential for a fourth season?