Like OMG! Did you see Laguna Beach last night? MTV like totally gave us TWO episodes back to back! It was like so random. The more the merrier, but it’s like waay too much for one recap. I totally have to split it into two. I mean, it’s like totally going to Heidelberg and getting two sandwiches. Whatevs! I can’t eat them both at lunch! I gotta have one later. EW! So many calories!
NEways, I’m like totally gonna recap the first episode now and the second one afterwards because like so much happened. Like, there was a prom. That’s a big deal! Cameron was all like “Prom?” and Derek was totally like “You wanna see the prom movie, starring me and you, LEXIE?” and Lexie was like “I’m so not hooking up with him!” and Rachel was like “Yes, you are!” and Kyndra was like “OMG! I love Sharpies!” and Alex was like “Rocky, I miss you,” and Rocky was all “Alex, I can’t guarantee that I’m gonna take you back,” and then her mom was like “Oh Raquel!” and Tessa was like “I can’t hug Derek in the limo.” There was so much action! And one person like totally wore a tie to the prom too. Random!Last night’s episode of Laguna started off with our dearest narrator Tessa employing some local slang to describe last week’s show. “Spring Break was SO random!” she insisted, clearly overlooking the fact that she wasn’t even there to comment on said randomness. If memory serves me correctly, she was busy visiting family in (snooze) Virginia. Now that’s what I call random. Whatevs, Tessa!
Anyway, we then saw Tessa and Rocky babbling about whatever, but instead of doing their gabfest on the beach or on Raquel’s deck as usual, the two girls decided to change things up by visiting the dance studio, which could only mean one thing: leotard-o-rama! Actually, they weren’t wearing so much as leotards as they were sporting neo-Flashdance warmup ensembles. Nevertheless, amidst this very Jennifer Bealish moment, Raquel/”Rocky’s” cell/”celly” rang/”rangy.” And who pray tell would be interrupting this fine moment of gossip-ballet? Why, none other than wayward boyfriend Alex! “I wanted to talk to you. Like down at the beach or something,” he said. Ah yes. Another beach “talk.” Are these two ever capable of having important “talks” anywhere other than the beach? Maybe a library? Or the Koffee Klatch? Or perhaps a discotheque?
Looks like somebody forgot her pants again!
Well, after this stirring phone call, Rocky relayed to Tessa that Alex wanted to talk. “I hate those words!” Tessa replied. To be fair, she hates words in general. She prefers to keep a steady communication system of squeaks, beeps, and general silence.
After the opening credits, we saw this week’s episode title, the very Grey’s Anatomy-sounding “YOU DON’T JUST GET ME BACK.” Ladies and gentlemen, this episode of Laguna Beach has been scripted by Ellen Pompeo. Nevertheless, we then headed over to none other than The Lexie’s regal estate where she was holding court with the fair maidens Tara (looking mildly busty today) and Rachel. Let be known that Rachel’s “Bernice” days seem to be long gone. We first saw this progress two weeks ago, and now it’s official. She seemed to have emancipated herself from her Staten Island shackles, metamorphosing into someone who actually looked young and not like a secretary. There’s hope for mankind yet!
Anyway, the girls were all a twitter about prom, which was just around the corner. We learned that Tessa would be bringing a guy from another school (of course) and that Kyndra had managed to find a way to come to the prom too (a subtle nod to her homeschooling). And by the way, it didn’t look like The Lexie and her minions were terribly thrilled to know that town wench Kyndra would be attending this royal gala.
In other prom developments, we learned that Derek was planning on asking The Lexie to prom, which was kind of surprising since a) two episodes ago, he was with Tessa; b) last week he was making out with Breanna; and c) he seemed to have no greater agenda in the world than to precipitate a Kelen-Lexie union. Ah well. One can never overestimate the horniness of a manslut.
Of course, what he didn’t realize was that The Lexie was not about to offer up her womanhood to Derek’s lecherous ways. “I DON’T EVEN LIKE HIM!” she balked, in typical Lexie fashion. Clearly she was holding out for Sir Edmund Wiglaf of Wessex, conqueror of the Mercian nation, victor at the battle of Ellendune, and ruler of CAFÉ HEIDELBERG!
“My heart belongs to a Saxon!”
Most surprising of all, however, was learning that this season’s biggest player, Cameron, had his eyes on none other than Tara. That’s right, he was targeting a sidekick! Holy cannoli!
Like her master, Tara wasn’t about to bring shame on her lineage. “No, I won’t hook up with Cameron!” she insisted, adding, “Furthermore, he enjoys the sinful delights of FOIE GRAS!!!”
Yes, such was the risk of prom: having to fend off the horny advances of young suitors who may or may not partake in the consumption of goose liver. The Lexie summed things up nicely when she observed, “It kind of sucks when your date likes you because then you feel just kind of awkward.” As opposed to the total lack of awkwardness when your date doesn’t like you.
Elsewhere in the ‘Guna, various boys plotted out their overly-elaborate ways of asking girls to the prom. I don’t know if it’s just me, but back in my high school days, it kind of went like this: “So, uh, you want to go to the prom?” But since this is the bizarro world of Laguna Beach, CA, everything was done a little differently. For instance, one fella named Alex M. (that’s right, another Alex, not to mention another Alex M.) went to a tattoo shop to get a fake “Prom?” slapped on his side for Kyndra. Cameron, meanwhile, greeted Tara with his dog, which just so happened to be wearing a t-shirt with the word, “Prom?” scribbled on it.
“Of course I’ll go to prom with you,” said Tara, and if there was punctuation that denoted an utter lack of enthusiasm, I’d use it in abundance. She seemed about as excited as if she’d just learned there was a new phonebook on her front doorsteps.
“I’m so excited. I just can’t hide it.”
Kyndra, on the other hand, was absolutely tickled by Alex M.’s fake tattoo. “You’re such an idiot,” she said (no word on whether she was referring to herself or him or both). She then made the astute observation: “That’s Sharpee!” No shit, sherlock. You think he actually got “Prom?” tattooed onto his bodice? Then again, some of these Laguna kids…
“My armpit humbly requests your presence at the Laguna Beach High 2006 Junior Prom.”
As for Cami’s date, he buried himself in sand at the beach and placed a present box over his head. When she arrived to open the “gift,” he startled her, causing guffaws and smiles all around. Oh joyous pranks of a seaside community! Just wait until we get to Cameron’s HI-larious “you ran me over!” bit next episode…
We then cut to Derek, who was standing outside the Laguna movie theater, whose marquis read, “Prom: Starring Lexie and Derek.” Wow. Sounds like the worst movie EVER. Of course, when The Lexie arrived, she didn’t even notice the theater (she has no tolerance for the commoners’ entertainment). Derek had to point things out by saying, “What’s up? There’s a good movie playing.” The Lexie then finally turned and saw this lavish display of attention, and even she couldn’t help but let out a huge smile. A fine gesture indeed! Too bad that after all that, Derek was still gonna be left with blue balls.
Amazingly, this movie still did better than The Marine.
Last but not least, there was the ever tumultuous saga of Raquel and Alex. For those of you who may have forgotten, the two were to have a Very Special “Talk” at the beach. First to arrive was Alex, who appropriately found a patch of seaside cacti to perch over while sea lions bayed on some nearby rocks. Cacti? Sea lions? OH YOUNG LOVE!
Well, once Rocky showed up, Alex turned into Smiles McGillicutty as he couldn’t help but glow in her presence. I don’t think we’ve seen him express this much emotion all season long. Nevertheless, he revealed that he missed Raquel (and perhaps the cameras) immensely, and to express his remorse, he attacked Rocky with a barrage of gentle arm pinches and occasional strokes. He then confessed, “I feel like I made a bad decision.” Was that before or after you called her a slut?
“HEY! I know you! I’m Alex! Remember me?”
Unsurprisingly, Raquel said, “I’ll give you a chance. I’m not guaranteeing anything.” She then added, “And please stop pinching my arm.”
After the commercial break, we headed over to Raquel’s house atop the cactus kingdom, but lo! Where did all the cacti go? Was there some unfortunate brushfire that destroyed the vegetation? I found myself feeling sick and uneasy. The world as I had known it had just turned upside down! Well, inside the house was none other than Rocky’s mother Robin, who was trying to figure out what her daughter was thinking, taking Alex back. I’m pretty sure she was also wondering what video Tessa would be bringing from Blockbuster. Fingers crossed for Gorillas in the Mist!
Well, Raquel told her mom that she was suspicious of Alex. After all, his friend was going to the prom with Tessa, and yet Rocky was completely dateless even though she was pretty much back together with Alex. Why, it’s almost as if Alex was stalling because he wanted to plan an elaborate, ridiculous way of asking, “Prom?” Sure enough, at that moment, he was down on the beach setting up some sort of display for Raquel. Basically, he had adorned a volleyball net with several leis and a sign that read, “Prom?” I don’t really know how to describe it, but the words “shabby” and “sloppy” and “AWFUL” come to mind.
Meanwhile, as Alex erected his Hawaiian ode to prom night, several other girls assembled to get their nails done. Present at this gathering were Breanna, Lexie, Tara, and Rachel, and of course, talk focused on everyone’s prom dates, particularly Lexie’s. Breanna asked her who she was taking, and after Lexie announced that it was Derek, excitable sidekick Tara chirped up, “Oh, he asked her in the cutest way! You know the movie theater downtown? Okay, it said ‘Prom. Question mark. Starring Lexie and Derek.’ How cute is that???” At that point, Tara’s head exploded as the cuteness of Derek’s gesture and Tara’s general enthusiasm for her master proved to be entirely too powerful for her skull.
Well, just as everyone was cooing over Derek’s movie theater shenanigans, Breanna remarked, “Everyone I talk to doesn’t like Derek.” Hey, way to rain on the parade, BREANNA! Last time I checked, not everyone hated Derek:
Oh no I di’nt! Oh no I di’nt!
Nevertheless, Bree-Bree articulated her thoughts more, saying “Basically, he did exactly what Tessa did to me.” So… does that mean that Tessa hooked up with you? Scandal!
We then headed over to the local florist where a bunch of guys including Cameron and a guy named Matt had arrived in search of corsages. “Do you know what kind of corsages you’re looking to get? Do you know what the girls want?” asked a lady behind the counter.
“The flower kind?” Matt replied, leading to guffaws all around — including in the TVgasm offices. The florist then educated the men on the magical world of corsages, noting that in the arrangement, she could go so far as to include — wait for it, wait for it — rhinestones! Color me bedazzled! No one was more impressed than Derek, who asked, “You can put rhinestones in them? LET’S DO THAT!” RHINESTONES FOR ALL!!! Best revelation EVER! Sadly, little did Derek know that The Lexie only accepts corsages with genuine diamonds. She does have standards, you know.
Back at Rocky’s house, I was happy to see that the Cactus Kingdom was back in full force. Clearly, we must have been looking at the estate from a bad angle earlier. Anyway, Rocky headed out to her car where a large gift bag was perched on the hood. Inside: a red volleyball! Ah, a lovely offering. It’s the color of romance mixed with the value of Sports Chalet!
Well, the gift implored Raquel to go — where else? The beach! A few seconds later, she arrived and happy spotted Alex’s janky “Prom?” display. Even though his effort was less Laguna and more Mission Viejo, Raquel was still moved by the sentiment behind it, and she bounded towards Alex with unmitigated joy all over her face. I was kind of hoping she’d get accidentally clotheslined by the volleyball net, but alas, she came to a complete stop beforehand, kissing Alex from across it. So poetic! A love so powerful that no distance nor shabby volleyball net could dare keep these two apart!
After the commercial break, it was finally prom night, and after all the time and effort these guys put into asking “Prom?”, you’d think they’d put a little energy into making themselves look like young gentlemen. Wrong. They all looked like wannabe trendy slobs. I’m not Mr. Conservative by any means, but c’mon. It’s the prom, not a trip to a nightclub.
Anyway, we headed over to Kyndra’s house where she and Cami were getting ready. Kyndra’s mom Karen ambled nearby, but she only appeared for about three seconds before she disappeared into oblivion, robbing us of a chance to enjoy her woozy presence. Meanwhile, at Rocky’s house, Tessa showed off her prom dress, which she made herself. How very Project Runway. I’m thinking crossover…
Alex then arrived to fetch Rocky, and to say he was underdressed would be putting it lightly. He was wearing a semi-see-through linen shirt that was untucked, wrinkly, and without a tie. HORRORS! However, no one seemed to mind, and soon, everyone was piling into a big limo, en route to Lexie’s palace for a pre-prom reception. In the limo, Tessa encountered her old flame Derek — co-star of the hit movie sensation “Prom?” — and told him “I’d give you a hug, but…” BUT I HATE YOU!!! Actually, she didn’t say that. I think she was merely referring to the impossible logistics of executing a proper hug in the confines of a limousine. Either way, everyone soon showed up at Lexie’s, which meant it was time for pictures and happiness, and in the case of Alex, crackers! Yes, Rocky’s man made a bee-line for the munchies, and while we can never know certain things for sure, we suspected that if there was a closeup of his eyes, they’d be fairly bloodshot.
Everyone then assembled together for a group picture, and on the count of three the photographer yelled out, “Graduation!” It’s prom, dumbass. Later on, as everyone shuffled back into the limo, Cami and Kyndra squeezed together and took a photo of themselves. As she is wont to do, Kyndra then blurted out the rhetorical question, “Who ARE we???” Answer: IDIOTS.
Well, somewhere between the cheese and crackers and the limo, things went sour between Rocky and Alex. I think Rocky wanted Alex to speak more, as evidenced by her command: “TELL ME SOMETHING.” (Oh, poor Rocky. She has much to learn about the speech patterns of stoners.) Anyway, I love Raquel and firmly believe she’s one of the most mature people on Laguna Beach, but that being said, she turned into the typical, needy, teenage girl as she seemingly grew infuriated with Alex over not much at all. In the limo, she looked withdrawn and annoyed, and as far as we could tell, the worst thing he had done was ask Raquel to slide down a seat.
Anyway, the kids all arrived at their party destination: the always raucous Downtown Disney. Whooohooo! In typical Laguna Beach fashion, this lead to random grainy shots of kids dancing and making googly eyes at the teen-held camcorder. Afterwards, Rocky waited around outside, looking for Alex, who had committed the cardinal sin of GETTING WATER!! “I feel distant from you,” Raquel said, surely killing whatever buzz Alex had left. Yes, Alex. Time to talk about “feelings.”
“You’ve pushed me to a point where now I want to go home on my prom night,” Raquel then stated. Conveniently, that’s exactly where they were headed. Home. So you see, he was merely addressing your needs!
Actually, the kids weren’t heading exactly home. Everyone was off to the after-party next. Everyone but The Lexie, who had to be up early for dance. Smell ya later, Derek!
That’s right, Derek. Still got it!
Well, just because he lost his date didn’t mean Derek couldn’t improvise. At the after-party at his house, Derek soon found himself making eyes at none other than Tessa, possibly admiring her dressmaking handiwork. “Your silhouette is so hot,” he said. Okay, no he didn’t say that. Instead, the two began making out, and then one thing led to another, and they headed downstairs into what we could only imagine was Derek’s den of seduction. Let the consummation of blandness begin!
Meanwhile, outside, Rocky and Alex were having another “talk,” and this time, I’m sure they were both feeling somewhat disoriented, what with the lack of a beach anywhere nearby. Raquel said that Alex had a wall up (ahem, it’s called marijuana), and as they tried to sort things out (which they did rather peacefully), Nick W. hyped up the tiff in the party, saying, “Raquel and Alex are starting World War III outside!” Wow. I never knew World War III would be so touchy-feely.
Ever nosy (and breasty), Cami decided to head outside with Kyndra in tow so that they could better observe the drama. At one point, Cami even interrupted the two to say whatever, but Cameron called her away, saying, “Cami, this is their drama! Why don’t you beat it?” Ouch! DENIED!
But that was okay. Cami pretty much missed the bulk of this pseudo-fight. Somehow or another, the two lovebirds reconciled and wound up kissing, proving that everything was wonderful and lovely once again. Tra-la-la!
What did you think about this episode? Should Rocky have taken Alex back? And who was in the wrong with their “argument”?