It was Valentine’s Day on Laguna Beach, and like Kyndra and Tyler totally fought the entire time. He was like “You’re not watching me play pool” and she was all, “Yes, I am” and he was like “You’re annoying,” and she was like “the flowers are scattering,” and Rocky was like “I love you,” and Alex was like “I love you too,” but then he was like “I think” and Cameron was like “Tyler’s gnarly” and Jessica was all, “I’m in Europe!” Random! I miss Kristin and Stephen eating lobster together. Teardrop!Yes, this week’s episode was all about romance as the kids prepared for Valentine’s Day, that most hallowed of Laguna holidays. Unfortunately, the show began early, which meant I missed almost the entire opening scene. However, I did catch the tail end of it as Cami and Kyndra exercised on elliptical machines and complained about how Nikki always narc’d to big brother/douchebag Tyler about every little detail. In its truncated state, the scene lasted only about fifteen seconds for me though (random!), and after the opening credits, we learned that this week’s episode was titled, “Spies, Lies, and Alibis.” Like OMG! A triple rhyme! I haven’t been this blown away since I found out foie gras was…
Anyway, after checking out some obligatory shots of waves crashing on rocks, we then headed up to Rocky’s house perched high above the Cactus Kingdom. Some text on the screen informed us it was “The Day Before Valentine’s Day,” or as it’s known to those of us with half a brain, February 13th. As usual, Rocky was busy baking something or another, and before she and Tessa began talking, we already were sighing and thinking, “Poor Tessa…” If there’s one thing we could assume, it was that Valentine’s and Tessa have not been a perfect match. Sure enough, Tess revealed that her Valentine’s Days have always been “like ‘interesting.’” Interesting, which is ironically her word for “BORING AND AWFUL.” To be fair though, maybe she did mean “interesting” in the truest sense of the word. After all, it is the one day of the year when she and Rocky’s parents rent experimental art films from the late ’60s.
Nevertheless, Tessa finally relented with her cheery attitude and revealed that her Valetine’s Days were so much interesting as they were underwhelming. “I haven’t really had a great one yet,” she said. C’mon, stop beating around the bush. Just tell us what we already know.
“I don’t have a Valentine. So you know what? SHUT UP!” she snapped at Rocky. Finally, the true laid bare! Just as we suspected.
Meanwhile, over at the Coffee Pub (a bitter rival to the Koffee Klatch, perhaps?), Nick and Cameron met up for a pleasant lunch al fresco. As they talked, I couldn’t help wondering if Nick’s upper lip was naturally that big or was he simply perpetually being stung by bees. Either way, Cameron suddenly received a call from Jessica, who informed him that she was presently and inexplicably in Europe.
“She would be,” muttered Nick. I didn’t really know what he meant by that. It’s not like Jessica wears a certain “I should be in Europe right now” attitude. If I had to guess, she probably heard a rumor that Jason was somewhere in the Pyrenees, hence the sudden flight across the pond.
Interestingly enough, Cameron learned that Cami had been trying to reach Jessica. She wanted to tell her something, probably about Cameron hooking up with Kyndra at the formal. Funny how it’s awful for Nikki to narc on Kyndra, but it’s fine for Cami to rat out Cameron. Ah dumb girls. Gotta love ‘em. (Actually, no. That’s not true. You don’t gotta love ‘em at all.)
Speaking of dumb girls, Cami and Nikki were presently browsing through Emporio Optic where they discussed the upcoming Valentine’s party that Tyler and Kyndra would be throwing. How would the party be in the wake of all those formal rumors, they wondered. Nikki then revealed, “Yesterday, I was going up to L.A. with my mom, and I kept getting phone calls from Tyler, Kyndra or Cameron. So funny.” Yes, hilarious. I’m doubling over with laughter as we speak. I’m going to tell everyone at work about this. They’ll think it’s a riot. I mean, Nikki got phone calls from three different people! If that’s not pee-in-your pants funny, I don’t know what is.
At this point, the scene suddenly became totally incomprehensible and Cami and Nikki engaged each other with an elaborate string of “he said that she said that she said” stories. I could try to transcribe, but I don’t have the twelve hours it would take to write out the ten seconds of ultra dense dialogue. I’m not even trying to be funny: I could not for the life of me understand what they were talking about. I assumed it was more nonsense about this nefarious Winter Formal hookup. Cami was probably trying to coverup for Kyndra’s sake, and Nikki was trying to re-state her case. Nevertheless, Niki wound up mad because she found out Kyndra was mad about whatever, and in the end, she told Cami, “I honestly don’t think it was our fault that they hooked up.” Why would it be their fault? It’s not like Nikki and Cami spiked Kyndra’s and Cameron’s drinks with some weird love potion. Or did they…
Later, Tyler and Kyndra went out to a pre-Valentine’s dinner, and ever the gentleman, Tyler came dressed in some ratty, faux-vintage, wannabe trendy army garb. He accessorized his outfit with a shiny, garish bracelet as well as his customary bratty attitude. Yes, he was pissed at Kyndra for allegedly hooking up with Cameron, but rather than confront her on the issue and deal with it normally, he chose to be petulant and whiny, with a little amateurish passive aggression added on the side.
“So many people are gonna be hooking up tomorrow night,” Kyndra said at one point. Tyler’s response: “Like Cameron.” That’ll show her!!!
Kyndra merely brushed off the comment, saying, “Such a weirdo. I don’t know why you would say that.” I know why he’d say that: because he’s prissy bitch.
Amusingly, Kyndra then handed him a Valentine’s present, but Tyler didn’t deign to open it, instead saying he’d rather perform such activities later, and furthermore, he wanted his food to go. When asked why, he passive aggressively lied and said he just wasn’t that hungry. Is there anything wrong with that? BABY DOESN’T WANT HIS FOOD ANYMORE! Of course, the very next shot showed him eating, which just proved that he was simply throwing a hissy fit. Man, this date was not going well. It’s almost as if Kyndra had once again mused on their different levels of education. MUST SHE ALWAYS BRING THAT UP???
“You realize that when I call you ‘girlfriend,’ I don’t mean like girlfriend. It’s more like a Jack and Karen thing, you know?”
After the commercial, we found Cameron and his loyal sidekick Nick playing basketball in the park. He said he wasn’t gonna go to Tyler’s dumb Valentine’s party, but then Nick revealed that Derek and Matt were going, and thus it would be the perfect time to screw with them. Well, who can deny the pure joy of fucking with friends? Cameron was sold hook, line, and sinker. Nick then lost control of the basketball, causing Cam to remark, “You suck at basketball.”
“You suck at life,” Nick replied. Whoa! You don’t speak to a Master that way. Bad sidekick! Bad! Cameron should have taken out a water gun and squirted him in the face.
Luckily, Cameron did put Nick in his place by quickly shooting back, “I’m going further than you are!” Ah, yes. The Master always wins out over the sidekick. Well played.
Over at Tyler’s place, he and Kyndra were busy setting up the backyard pool area for the big party. Kyndra dropped rose petals into the pool, but alas! They were all drifting into clusters! Why, it was almost as if there was a filter… a pool filter of some sort. And it was sucking them all in! It’s like the pool was designed to not let dead plants linger on the surface! Who would have thought?
“Help us escape this pool of depravity!”
When it became apparent that Kyndra would be unable to scatter her rose petals in an optimal pattern, she moved onto a new battle: She asked Tyler if it was okay for Cameron to come to the party. He merely muttered “Okay” and ambled away like the pouty bitch that he is. Seriously, it’ll be awesome if we ever get to see a bunch of people beat him up. He makes me feel empathy towards Kyndra, and that’s not a good thing.
“Do you think I’ll ever hit puberty?”
Meanwhile, at Candace’s house, Cami, Candace and Rachel (a.k.a. Bernice) all gathered together to discuss the upcoming party. None of them had anything particularly interesting to say. I did notice that all and all, Cami is much more tolerable when she’s not around Kyndra. I also noticed that Bernice seemed to be growing a mustache. Word to the wise: less tan, more shave.
Elsewhere, Raquel showed off her Valentine’s outfit as Tessa watched pathetically from the sidelines as usual. Rocky noted how nervous she was for her date and how she loved Alex and blah blah blah. It was all chirpy and boring. We could tell Tessa was zoning it all out, instead thinking in her head, “I hope Blockbuster has Two Weeks Notice in stock…”
Eventually, Alex showed up to take Rocky to dinner, and after all the hubbub she went through about her new dress, it was amusing to see that Alex hadn’t even dressed up in the slightest. He was just wearing his normal outfit: t-shirt with unbuttoned shirt on top of it. Anyway, the two headed over to Savoury restaurant where they sat outside and watched the sunset over the ocean. It was all very romantic, and Rocky could barely contain her excitement over the venue. “I like it a lot,” she said. “How do you feel?”
“I like it,” Alex responded. And thus it was made official. Savoury Restaurant: liked by Rocky and Alex! Someone alert The Lexie!
The two then talked about how wonderful their relationship was, but there was some subtle trouble afoot. Raquel suggested that she wanted more words from Alex. And his response to her request: a mild grunt. Alex, she wanted words, not noises. When pressed about his generally silent nature, Alex revealed, “I’m not really that emotional.” Girls love hearing that!
Well, Rocky was undeterred. She again implored him to speak, saying, “I’m like ‘tell me something!’” And to that, Alex replied with… silence. Ah, the J-Wahl special! To be fair, it really wasn’t his fault. What Rocky failed to realize was that the guys on Laguna Beach are limited to a set number of words per week that they can all use — kind of like the conservation of mass — and unfortunately, Cameron and Nick had taken up almost all of this week’s male words. That left Alex with nothing. He could only mumble and stare.
Alex did, however, rise to the challenge. In an effort to stir up conversation, he looked at Raquel’s bracelet and said, “You always wear that bracelet. What’s that say? Live and love? Do you live and do you love?” Why, that wasn’t force at all! Move over, Joy Behar! We’ve got a new gabber in town!
Anyway, Alex didn’t realize that by asking about love, he was falling into a classic trap. “I love you,” Raquel replied. This was then followed by a pause so pregnant, it was gonna have quadruplets. Rocky raised her eyebrows optimistically, waiting for Alex to say something, anything. I thought he might go all Ghost and say, “Ditto,” but instead, he matched Rocky and said, “I love you too.” Moment later, however, he qualified his statement by adding, “I think so.” I’m not sure that Rocky heard that part however. The din of mental fireworks was probably blocking out all other sounds.
Rocky did ask Alex how he knew he was in love, and he replied awkwardly, “‘Cause I feel it.” He then said, “I also love tangelos. They’re pretty.”
Meanwhile, Tyler’s Valentine’s party was in full swing. As promised, Cameron showed up, and as expected, Tyler got mad. The two exchanged cold greetings, and as Kyndra struck up a convo with Cam, Tyler grimaced and walked away, his face looking like he just saw someone at school with a cooler, newer Transformer.
Later, the gang sat down at a super long, ornately decorated table for dinner. Someone had the brilliant idea of raising their glasses, or red cups as it were, for cheers, but since this group wasn’t exactly the sharpest, they never actually toasted to anything. Not to love, not to life, not to fish tacos. Nothing. Yes, this party sucked royally, and no one felt it more than Cameron and Nick, who decided to pass the time by talking shit to everyone. “Dude, check out Tyler. He’s so gnarly,” Cameron said.
“Yeah, I know. Fully. What is he doing?” Nick replied back. I had to respect the LiveSnark. If only these two knew about the powers of passive-aggression. They would have had a field day.
Anyway, after dinner, everyone went downstairs to play pool (exciting!), but Cameron stayed behind to finish his meal and drink more NotAlcohol from his red cup. Kyndra was kind enough to stay back also, and while we were supposed to believe it was just them, we could see others lingering briefly on the sides of the screen. Not that it mattered. Kyndra and Cameron’s conversation was slight and devoid of import. The two soon joined everyone else downstairs, but by then the damage was done. Tyler had sorely missed Kyndra’s presence, and he bemoaned that he’d been playing pool all this time, and she wasn’t there with him. SHE MUST WATCH HIM PLAY POOL! Kyndra denied this charge, saying that she’d been there a long time, but Tyler would have none of it. He accused her of being with “you know who.” Yes, maturity at its finest. By the way, you know it’s a healthy relationship when you can’t trust your girlfriend to simply be near a rival guy for just five minutes.
Cameron, meanwhile, seemed to be fairly drunk and slurry at this point, and he happily thanked Nikki for inviting him, hugging her firmly in the process. Oh, if only Tyler could have been having as much fun at his party. Then again, if he didn’t spend the night pouting, he probably would have considered it a disappointment.
The next day, we found Alex regaling his buddy EJ about his experience at Savoury, or as he literally called it, “The best restaurant EVER.” He then related how Rocky had mentioned that getting him to speak was like squeezing water out of a rock, causing EJ to mutter, “Weird…” It is weird! Because you can’t get water from a rock! WHY WOULD SHE SAY THAT? IT’S SO WEIRD!!!
Alex then talked about the whole “I love you” situation and stated that he wasn’t planning on opening up emotionally to Raquel because that would leave him vulnerable. Such a chick thing! EJ noted that none of the girls he ever dated wanted him to be vulnerable, but to be fair, he also considers jacking off to Stuff Magazine “dating.” Ultimately, Alex insisted, “I’m not falling in love,” which meant he had already fallen in love… or Raquel was gonna be facing a whole lot of heartache sometime soon.
For now, Rocky was on cloud nine. She told Tessa about the whole date, saying, “It was so romantic… it was like out of a movie!” WELL! I’ll have you know, Ra-kwell, that while you were out “experiencing” romance, Tessa was feeling romance on account of a very special viewing of Must Love Dogs with your parents, thank you very much.
Anyway, Raquel then alerted Tessa that “I love you’s were exchanged,” and that’s not all. Did you check out her neck? Looks like hickeys were exchanged too…
Finally, Rocky concluded, “He’s perfect.” Yes, perfect. Except his inability to express his emotions. But that’s neither here nor there.
On the other end of the romantic spectrum were Kyndra and Tyler, who were presently sitting in his backyard, scowling at each other. Tyler accused her of being in a bad mood, and she replied that he had bummed her out at the Valentines party. Ty Ty countered that it wasn’t his fault (it was), and when Kyndra asked whose fault it was, he responded, “I don’t know. YOUR fault?” You know, a lot of these kids are rich and privileged, but I think Tyler is the first one who’s proved to be a through-and-through spoiled brat. It’s always everyone else’s fault. He then charged, “You come over here with an attitude!” This coming from the weenie who’s had nothing but an attitude ever since he popped up a few weeks ago.
Tyler then said that Nikki was telling him about something or another (the rumors, most likely), causing Kyndra to snap back, “Okay, well, why doesn’t Nikki tell you about every single thing about like every little thing?” Oooh! Well stated, Kyndra! Touché!
Well, as you can imagine, this did not end positively. Tyler broke up with Kyndra right there, saying, “I’m basically done talking to you because you’re annoying.” And we’re basically done watching you because you’re annoying. You can exit pop culture right now, thank you.
The two bickered, but ultimately, Kyndra got up and left, all to the tune of “Hate Me” on the soundtrack. Hate you? Don’t mind if I do!
“I match the sofa.”
“Well, I match the shrubbery!”
“I guess we’ll just agree to disagree.”
What did you think about this episode? Who was right in this situation: Kyndra or Tyler? And futhermore, is Alex really in love with Rocky??? Like OMG!!!