Total scandal on Laguna Beach this week! Kyndra was all like “I’ll be a good girl!” to Tyler, but then like she totally hooked up with Cameron at the Winter Formal, and then Tyler’s sister totally saw and was like “OMG! I saw you!” and Kyndra was like “Whatever!” and Cami was like “It’ll be our secret!” and Rocky was like “I’m afraid to ask my boyfriend to the formal!” and Tessa was all, “I’m gonna go alone!” and Lexie was like “I hope Kelan likes my balloons” and Cameron was like, “I’m not hooking up with anyone this year.” It was totally random!As you can imagine, the ‘Guna was shimmering with anticipation this week as the Winter Formal loomed on the horizon like one of those fancy new “Girl Ferraris” I’ve been hearing so much about. Of course, when it comes to Laguna Beach, you can’t say “dance” without “drama,” and before this episode began, we already knew we’d be in for a doozy, thanks to Tessa and her always reliable and wooden narration. First she reminded us what exactly this strange “Winter Formal” event was: “You know, the dance where the girls ask the guys,” she said. OH! That’s right! Thanks Tessa!
Before you could even begin to ponder who Tessa would be asking to the formal (as if you really would ponder that), she quickly noted, “I just felt like going solo.” Translation: “I knew no one would go with me. I remind boys of formica.” Tessa also informed us that Rocky was all nervous to ask Alex to the formal because they had just started dating. Apparently it’s more daunting to invite your boyfriend to a dumb dance than it is to spend and entire weekend with him in San Diego. Oh Rocky, you beguile us with your enigmatic ways!
But the real story with this formal was Kyndra. As you may remember from last week, she started dating a douchebag named Tyler, who was not only rich and spoiled and hated talking about college, but he also was apparently quite jealous, especially of Cameron. As a result, Tessa told us that Kyndra wouldn’t DARE ask Cameron to the formal, “but everyone knew she wouldn’t be able to keep her hands off him at the dance!” This was quite a shock to me. After all, Tyler seemed so manly and intoxicating. How could Kyndra ever feel the need to stray?
Anyway, as the show opened, we found Kyndra, Cami and Pumpkin Face (a.k.a. Candice) sitting around a table and talking about buying dresses online (the horror!). Surprisingly, Kyndra’s mom Karen didn’t gallop into the room, hoping to catch any vicarious morsels of gossip to keep her lifeblood flowing. After they exhausted the topic of online purchases, Kyndra revealed that she was gonna ask Derek to the formal, causing sidekick Cami to predict, “I think Kyndra is gonna get like retarded and then like hook up with Cameron… that would be really funny.” Yes, it would be hilarious. Kind of like THE HOLOCAUST.
After the opening credits, we found Tessa and Chase wandering into a store called IWS. “This is such a rad store,” Chase gushed. “This is like my favorite store ever!” Memo to self: remember to never go to IWS EVER. Nevertheless, as the two browsed through the collection of patterned shirts and tacky pants, Chase asked Tessa who she was gonna ask to the Winter Formal. For a moment I thought he was fishing for an invite, but then he revealed that he was already going with some girl named Lizzy. “Oh yeah?” Tessa replied upon hearing the news.
“Yeah,” Chase mumbled back. This was then followed by an exchanging of longing stares that were most likely edited in from a later part of the conversation where the topic was most likely ice cream or bubbles.
Ultimately, this sexually (un)charged shopping experience came to an end as Chase declared, “We have pretty raging dances!” And let’s face it: nothing says raging like a Laguna party replete with plastic cups and parents!
Elsewhere in town, a black car with a pink balloon poking out of its window wound its way through the twisty streets of Laguna. What sordid activity lay in wait? Well, the car pulled up to Kelan’s house (in which he and Cameron were playing video games), and soon we discovered that the mystery guest was none other than Lexie and her friend Rachel, or as I like to call her, Bernice (on account of her Staten Island fashion choices). Anyway, the girls surreptitiously stepped out of the car, taking with them a giant hoard of pink balloons.
“Hopefully he can’t see us,” Lexie said. Yeah, it’s not like you have a hoard of pink balloons that might attract his attention or anything.
Luckily, Kelan was oblivious to Lexie’s shenanigans outside — he was clearly transfixed by Cameron’s ill-advised 2nd down punt on Madden 2006. This gave the girls ample time to mess up his purdy, black SUV as they scrawled “Winter formal with Lexie?” on the windows. Amusingly, Lexie then said, “He’s cute and all, but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.” Hmmm… and what would give Kelan the wrong idea? Oh, I know! A MASSIVE HOARD OF PINK BALLOONS.
Meanwhile, as she drove off to ask Derek to the formal, Kyndra scoffed at the notion that the girls would have to invite the guys. “That’s sooo stupid!” she balked. Exactly what doesn’t she think is stupid? Sorry, Toots. Try as you may to be “over” everything, you’re still not Kristin Cavallari.
Back at Kelan’s house, Lexie decided to hide inside his SUV (which was conveniently unlocked). Eager sidekick Bernice then rang his doorbell, and when he and Cameron emerged from their Madden haze, Kelan let out his typical stoner smile. “Will you go to Winter Formal with me?” Lexie asked, stepping out of the car.
“I guess,” he replied. He then added, “By the way, THANKS for completely messing up my car, you stupid bitch. I don’t mind spending $60 getting it detailed AGAIN.”
As for Kyndra, she managed to get over her disgust with the mating rituals of Winter Formal and asked Derek via a pizza box to join her at this annual event. I’m surprised he said yes, what with his rigorous schedule of working on his (nonexistent) tan and getting abs. We then cut to whiny boyfriend Tyler who appeared to be on a date with… his sister? This was so Cruel Intentions.
If Breanna had a love child with some makeup, it would be Nikki.
Anyway, Tyler’s sister was named Nikki, and at first glance, she sort of looked like a rounder version of that other famous Laguna sister, Breanna (who’s been completely MIA since her sidewalk showdown with Rocky). Last week, we learned that Tyler was fond of spending cash (like $500 on a crappy t-shirt), but this was nothing compared to lil’ sis, who apparently received $6,000 monthly allowance. Why did one girl need that much? Oh, just a debilitating shopping habit.
“Sometimes I don’t have anything to do; so I just shop,” she explained. Maybe she should pick up a book instead. You know, like Infinite Jest? Something that’ll keep her off the streets for a few months.
Eventually, conversation between these two drifted from their unabated consumer habits to more pressing matters: the Winter Formal. Tyler informed Nikki that Kyndra would be attending with Derek (or “Derelicte,” as he amusingly called him), but he still had his suspicions about his girl. After all, Kyndra had told him that she thought Cameron was cute. “Whoa! WHAT??” Nikki asked, adding, “She expressed an innocent opinion about someone’s physical appearance? That’s appalling!”
Nevertheless, Tyler put his sister on official spy duty, with her mission to tail Kyndra at the formal and ensure that she stay on the straight and narrow — or in the case of her chin, straight and projecting. We then headed over to the beach where a lonesome Rocky sat on a blanket and pined for her lovah, Alex. Alas, he was late — or lagging, as they say — but after three seconds of incredible suspense, he descended from on high and joined his chirpy girlfriend by the sea. And yes, he did plead guilty to lagging in the first degree. Anyway, this scene was fairly idiotic because it revolved around Raquel explaining how she’s always hated formals because of all the cattiness involved and blah blah blah now she was excited to go to show off Alex and have the bestest time ever. The two kissed in the sunset, and as waves crashed behind them, we cut away to a commercial break. Thank goodness. I was almost swept away by the romance!
After the break, we returned to the same beach, but this time Kyndra and Tyler were the resident lovers, not Rocky and Alex. Because no opportunity should ever be wasted to show off conspicuous consumption, Tyler made the brilliant move of wearing Gucci shoes to the beach, which meant he and Kyndra had to spend a good amount of time running from the incoming surf as if they were avoiding a gaggle of zombies. Finally, they found a dry spot where the Guccis could be worn without fear. Kyndra then observed, “This is my first dance without you. Isn’t that weird.” MY WORLD IS SHAKEN.
The ever vacant Tyler responded, “I don’t know. Not really.” Meanwhile, inside he was probably thinking, “While you’re at the dance, I’ll be spending my time purchasing sundry items from the Prada store and then jealously stalking you from afar with my Tiffany binoculars.”
Kyndra then suggested that he meet up with her afterwards at Cami’s house where the official after party would be going down. It seemed like a reasonable idea, but Tyler absolutely refused to commit to such a preposterous plan. Even worse, he then accused her of not being able to get enough of Cameron. Like OMG! He totally went there! You know, as long as he’s being the jealous boyfriend, he might as well go to the after party, but I guess he’d prefer to stay away and let Kyndra slip up, just so he can have the high moral ground. If it made him feel any better, Kyndra then said, “I promise I won’t dance like crazy girl or anything.” She then added, “I shall only dance a proper box-step and if necessary, a Viennese Waltz.”
Elsewhere, Cameron and Kelan were out and about surfing, and aftewards, Cam asked Kel if he was gonna make the movies on Lexie. “No way, dude!” he shot back, adding, “I’d sooner have beef stroganoff than make the moves on Lexie!” As for Cameron’s romantic prospects, he didn’t really anticipate anything happening. He noted that if he were to hook up with Kyndra, it would be “completely random.” Yes, random, except for the fact that they’ve hooked up before, and they flirt all the time. But aside from that, yes, a hookup would be straight out of left field!
Later, Kyndra and her posse (Cami and Candice, who seems to be jockeying for Sidekick #1 position. Look out, Cami!) headed to Beautiful Nails so they could get all did up before the big dance. It was there that Kyndra made a bombshell announcement: “I have the cutest Chanel clutch that I’m bringing!” WELL, RING THE BELLS ATOP NOTRE DÂME AND LET ALL THE COUNTRYSIDE KNOW: Kyndra has a the cutest Chanel clutch in all the land!!! Henceforth, today shall be known as KYNDRA CLUTCH DAY! Cast flowers in the brook in honor of this momentous occasion!
After suitably impressing her gal pals with news of her Chanel clutch, Kyndra then expressed some anxieties about the big dance. “The only thing I’m worried about is losing my morals and my shoes,” she said, happily leaving “virginity” and “dignity” off the list (not to mention her Chanel clutch).
We then saw a nifty montage of various people getting ready for the formal, during which we learned that Kyndra has her very own hair stylist named Lisa who comes over to her house in advance of these milestone events. I’m shocked that Kyndra’s mom didn’t suddenly appear dressed to the nines, hoping that some date-less boy might take her to the dance as well.
We also saw Rocky and Tessa dressing up for the formal. I really didn’t know why Tessa didn’t simply take Raquel’s parents as her dates. Afterwards, they could have watched Shadowlands! Nevertheless, the two girls and Alex hopped into a stretch limo (fairly excessive for three people, yes?), and before we knew it, we were at the Formal! This meant that for about forty-five seconds, we saw lots of teens dancing, as well as shaky, poorly-lit footage courtesy of one high schooler who was roving around with a camcorder. Basically, it was just many shots of Kyndra sticking her face directly on the lens (she’s attracted to shiny objects).
At one point, we found Kyndra talking/slurring to Cameron, ultimately saying, “I love you!” Unfortunately, Nikki the mole saw it all happen, and having observed earlier flirtations in the limousine, she now had enough evidence to conclude that Kyndra was not being a good girl as previously promised. Dunh dunh dunh!!!
Anyway, after some more dancing and partying, we then saw random fireworks which probably had nothing to do with the formal whatsoever. The kids then poured out of the venue, which meant we got to see the amusingly sad sight of Tessa walking alone, sans date. Shadowlands! She could have watched Shadowlands!
On the way to the after party, Kyndra like totally hugged Cameron, which was obviously verboten (another point against her!). Then, at Cami’s house, Chase suddenly derided the lack of music at the party. Oh, if only he would regale us with his sonorous voice! He sings like an angel that boy does!
Later on, a drunken Kyndra asked Cami, “Did you hook up with anyone?” I think Cami’s generally sullen expression could answer that on its own. Kyndra then admitted to hooking up with someone — the inference being Cameron. “Don’t tell anyone!” she said.
“Okay, it’ll be our little secret!” Cami replied, clearly overlooking all the microphones and cameras broadcasting this to the world. How very Connie Chung.
By the way, in case Cami didn’t already suck enough, what was the deal with her party? Could it have been any more lame? I felt like I was watching a rumpus room in 7th grade. Nevertheless, at one point, Nikki and Kyndra tried to talk about the secret hookup, and even though Kyn had just confessed her dirty deed to Cami, she now was vehemently denying the charge, trying to smooth things over with Camp Tyler. Needless to say, it didn’t seem to be working (that hickey on Cameron’s neck didn’t help matters either).
After the commercial break, it was time for the age-old Laguna tradition: recapping the big party from the middle of the episode. Doing the honors this week was Rocky, who also happened to be kneading dough with her hands — a sneak preview of what Alex has to look forward to on Prom Night? As usual, Tessa, the alleged Master, watched quietly, saying how much she enjoyed the Formal. “I had fun. I had a lot of fun,” she commented, adding, “You know. By myself. Alone.”
Tessa then revealed that she barely even got a chance to dance all night long. “What were you doing the rest of the time?” Raquel asked. She then added, “Oh, that’s right. You didn’t have a date to dance with. My bad.” To be fair, Tessa’s lack of dancing was due to her sneaking out midway through and watching Howard’s End with Rocky’s parents.
Anyway, Raquel noted that her voice was totally shot out (although, as far as I could tell, she was just as chirpy as ever). She then feared taht if she were attacked in a dark alley, no one would be able to hear her. Sleep soundly, Rocky. Everyone can hear your voice from miles away. Not that it mattered: “There are no dark alleys in Laguna,” she said. Oh, I beg to differ!
As the scene ended, Tessa wistfully commented, “I hope I have a good prom date.” And by “good,” she meant “existent.”
Meanwhile, Cami and Candice sat around and relived the night of splendor that was Winter Formal. The two pretty much fixated on Kyndra hooking up with Cameron, but at one point, a regretful Candice expressed sadness that she only got to dance with Cameron once. Maybe he was spooked by her Jack-O-Lantern face? Either way, I’m sensing another love triangle!
As for Kyndra, she was getting lunch with Nikki (who by the way, I would much rather follow than Kyndra or Cami. Bad casting choice, MTV). No sooner had they sat down at their table than a red Ferrari zoomed by, making both girls’ hearts flutter with gold-digging urges. Nikki revealed that she not only loved Ferraris, but specifically the new “girl Ferrari” that was round in the back. However, this convo was not about girl Ferraris. It was about “the hookup.” Kyndra continued to deny all accusations, saying, “I did not do anything wrong. I was such a good girl.” Unfortunately, Nikki had quite the comeback:
“Yeah? I was there. Remember?”
Well, Kyndra responded in the only way she knew how: staring off into the distance. The lunch ended with a small volley of “It’s lame” and “whatever,” and then both girls got up and left. Would the sacred union of Tyler and Kyndra be destroyed? Or would love conquer all? And would we care? I guess we’ll find out next week!
What did you think about the episode?