OMG! So much drama on last night’s Laguna Beach! First, Rocky was all like “Alex feels pressured!” and then Alex was like “Rocky is gnarly” and then Rocky was all “Just give me a chance to change!” but Alex was like “I’m gonna talk to Lexie” and Lexie was all “He’s cute!” and Bernice was like “Do you come to Heidelberg’s a lot?” and Kyndra was like “I hate sand!” and Cami was like “I hate the smell of bonfire” and Tara was like “I hate foie gras!” and Derek was like “I hate kissing my girlfriend!” So many haters! I couldn’t even believe how awkward it was! OMG! Random!This week’s angst-filled episode began with Tessa and Raquel sitting on, appropriately enough, a very rocky beach. Perhaps this was to signal rocky times ahead, or maybe it was just a fine opportunity to make puns about Rocky’s name. Either way, we knew that Rocky (the girl, not the beach) was about to fall headfirst into a morass of drama and tears. Why? Because apparently she and Alex had been fighting, and if the MTV promos had been any indication, it looked like their relationship was about to splinter like many a shipwreck on a foggy, rocky beach — much like the one they were sitting on right there (it all comes full circle!).
Anyway, Rocky explained that on a recent phone call, Alex felt pressured about whatever and Rocky was like super stressed and Alex was kind of cold about her super stress and then they started like yelling at each other and like OMG! Trouble in teen paradise!
Raquel then relayed how she said, “I was like, ‘Are you okay? Are you pressured, Alex?’” You know, you just said that he was. Must you always be so redundant always? Nevertheless, when parents get divorced, it’s always the children who are hurt the most. But when teens break up, it’s always the bland sidekick — in this case, Tessa. “You and Alex cannot break up!” she pleaded, later adding, “Because then if you don’t go on dates, that means I won’t be able to watch movies with your parents anymore. AND I ALREADY RENTED A PRICE ABOVE RUBIES!!!”
After the opening credits, we learned this week’s show was called “It’s, Like, Breakup Season,” which apparently was a reference to every single week in Laguna. We soon found Rocky’s disgruntled boyfriend Alex skateboarding through town with his sidekick E.J. just feet away. They were like two dashing rogues, swiftly cutting through the seaside community with the sort of reckless abandon we only see in Sunny-D commercials. Their joyrides came to an end, however, when they reached a fence overlooking the ocean, causing E.J. to ponder whether or not the water was still cold. “Yeah, it is,” Alex said, further elaborating, “It’s freezing.” WELL! Consider my maritime climate curiosity sated!
Shockingly, this discussion about Laguna’s icy waters soon transitioned onto something slightly more interesting: Raquel. E.J. wanted to know what the deal was with their relationship, but all Alex could really muster was “We had such a gnarly convo.” Through further mutterings, we sensed that Alex wasn’t particularly happy with Ra-kwell anymore, especially since she seemed to be suffocating him in that most gnarly of ways. He complained, “The relationship is getting way too exclusive.” Translation: “Yeah, I’ll probably dump her in like ten minutes.”
Actually, that really wasn’t very far from the truth. Alex revealed that he was gonna go to Rocky’s house and tell her to meet him somewhere. Seemed kind of redundant, considering he was already at her house. Must every conversation be at the beach? Whatever happened to the old let’s-break-up-on-the-bed technique that Heidi used to well in The Hills?
Anyway, this scene eventually came to an end with an exasperated Alex mumbling, “Too much pressure. Can’t deal with that.” Yes, poor Alex was under entirely too much strain. I mean, the ocean water was freezing, and on top of that, he had to worry about his girlfriend? NO. TOO MUCH.
Elsewhere in the ‘Guna, Cami and Kyndra passed the time by browsing through a store called Muse. The mandate of the day was to find a short dress, ideally one that didn’t look like the pilgrim garb Kyndra seemed to be wearing. Shockingly, Cami made Kyndra put back one skimpy outfit, saying it would make her look like too much of a whore — unlike all those classy leopard print outfits Kyndra normally wears. Anyway, as the two girls rifled through clothes, Kyndra mentioned how she had seen Derek (a.k.a. Tessa’s new unlikely beau) out and about, causing her a pang of nostalgia to the times when the two of them were shopping buddies. Oh the good old days: when Derek was thiiiis close to being their own personal sassy gay. Why, oh, why did he have to date Tessa?
“I wonder if they have anything that’s Pilgrim Chic…”
We then learned that this week’s big event would be an old Laguna fave: the bonfire! “I hate bonfires!” a sniveling Cami scoffed.
“Me too!” an equally disgusted Kyndra replied. Ah yes, once again the wannabe Queen Bees think that by harshly rejecting all social events that they’ll be the second coming of Kristin Cavallari. Not even close. Nevertheless, the girls knew they’d wind up at the bonfire, which is why Kyndra announced their planned wardrobe (two days ahead of time, mind you): “We can just wear big sweatshirts and jeans.”
“Let’s do that. Let’s do that,” Cami eagerly said in return.
“No, I’m serious!” Kyndra snapped back, clearly dubious about her sidekick’s sincerity. Be warned, Cami. Never mock the official bonfire fashion decree of Kyndra! One more display of insolence, and you’ll be shipped off to the hoi polloi faster than you can say “Mission Viejo!”
Later on, during a gloomy afternoon, Alex sat alone on a beach, clearly waiting to have “the talk.” Oh, this would be ever so gnarly. Rocky soon arrived dressed like a giant, velour blueberry, causing Alex to ask, “Why you wearing all blue?” Duh! Because she’s feeling blue. Did you not learn anything from the rocky beach opening scene? It’s, like, telegraphed metaphor season!
“Sorry I’m late. We had another Gargamel incident. Almost lost Brainy.”
Anyway, Alex once again insisted that he felt pressured, to which Rocky said that he never said that she should stop pressuring him. He then explained that he never said anything because she always got mad at him, but Raquel emphatically stated that she was going to change her ways and not get so mad. But was it too late? (Yes) “I don’t even know if I want to be in a gnarly relationship like this,” Alex mumbled in his usual distant way. He reiterated that he just wanted some freedom, a request that caused Raquel’s chin to quiver — much the way Tessa’s did when she rented Terms of Endearment with Rocky’s parents.
Rocky and Alex then agreed that they were acting like a married couple when in fact neither of them wanted that. “Maybe I care about you more than you care about me,” Rocky said, in a typically loaded comment.
“Or maybe you care too much,” Alex shot back. Looks like Rocky just felt the burn of a CARE ZING!
Ultimately, Alex didn’t believe that Rocky was going to change her ways, but she insisted she would change for him. Would he give her once more chance? Sure. Why not, right? Congratulations, Rocky! You just bought yourself an extra day before you’re officially broken up!
We then went to commercial break where we saw the much-hyped trailer for Dreamgirls. Flash review: It was exciting! Flashy! Musical! Can’t wait to see Jamie Foxx smugly making his rounds on the press junket! But why no billing for spurned American Idol diva J-Hud? Looks like it’s time for Hudsongate all over again.
Well, just when our spirits could not be brimming any further with Motown enthusiasm, we made a ninety-degree turn back into the world of Laguna Beach where we found none other than THE LEXIE and her friend Bernice (or Rachel, as her “birth certificate” reads) eating outside at a lovely Teutonic-sounding spot called Heidelberg. They seemed preternaturally obsessed with the weather this fine day, with Bernice complaining, “I don’t understand. It was hot all last week and then randomly, this weekend, it’s not hot. We couldn’t have gone to the beach once. It’s ridiculous!” A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY! I don’t know what Bernice was complaining about. You’d think she’d be happy to be in the Southern California sun and away from her old life, as impeccably documented Tuesday night on True Life: I’m a Staten Island Girl. Oh my gawd. What a bunch of jerk-awffs!!
Anyway, all this carping about the weather caused The Lexie to reveal, “I haven’t been to the beach in so long.”
“Me either,” Bernice echoed, not realizing she was falling into a classic Lexie trap.
“Really?” The Lexie replied. “You look pretty tan.” OH SNAP!!! THE ICE QUEEN COMETH!!! Yes, Bernice, that was Lexie’s passive-aggressive way of saying, “Way to shellac yourself in bronzer and spray tan.” Tantastic PA — is there anything better?
Bernice then laughed self-consciously and said, “I’m just saying, don’t say a word.” Don’t you worry, Bernice. As long as no one in the world realizes that orange isn’t a natural skin color, your secret will be safe!
Well, as the girls chowed down on their salads, guess who came strolling by? Alex and his new sidekick, Stephen. “Hey, Lexie. Remember me?” Alex asked, adding, “You know, I’m the guy the producers were telling you would ‘accidentally’ bump into you at lunch today. Yeah, that’s me.” Okay, he didn’t say that, but after mentioning that he was Ra-kwell’s (soon to be ex) boyfriend, she suddenly recalled him. THE LEXIE REMEMBERS!
“Greetings. I’m Bernice — The Lexie’s scullery maid.”
Alex then asked what the girls were up to, causing Lexie to answer, “You know, the uszzh.” (That was supposed to be an abbreviation of “usual”). The guys then hovered over the table awkwardly, perhaps expecting the ladies to invite them to sit down. Little did they know that not even the most powerful viscounts of Europe could gain a private audience with The Lexie, and so Alex and Stephen shuffled off to the nether regions of Heidelberg, in search of a table, let alone a few morsels of food. (BTW, next Laguna trip, I’m so going to Heidelberg). Once the boys had left, Lexie smiled and said that Alex was “kind of cute.” Uh oh! The Lexie has her eyes on fresh meat! He shall be conquered!!!
Elsewhere in town, Tessa and Rocky were sitting around as uszzh, just babbling on about their boys and whatnot. Since everything was fine on the Derek front, they spent most of the time talking about — you guessed it — Alex. Rocky relayed the whole conversation at the beach (curiously omitting any details about her blueberry jumpsuit). By the end, Tessa was positively shocked that the two were still together. “Back up, thank God,” Raquel said optimistically. Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts, VIOLET BEAUREGARDE!
Meanwhile, back at that culinary mecca of gastronomic bliss known as Heidelberg, Alex and Stephen finally found a table… right next to Bernice! What were the odds of that? It’s almost as if the producers threw twenty-five dollars at some people to get them to free up the space. Anyway, with the guys seated right next to them, there was little else for the girls to do but start up some awkward conversation. First they invited the guys to the bonfire, and then Bernice ignited a sparkling discussion when she asked, “Do you guys come to Heidelberg’s a lot?” CURIOUS MINDS WANT TO KNOW!
Personally, I don’t remember how Alex and Stephen responded to Bernice’s probing question. I must have instantly fallen asleep for two seconds. Clearly the guys weren’t particularly interested in discussing their Heidelberg dining patterns; so instead Stephen asked, “Are you guys juniors or seniors?” Lexie and Bernice both answered juniors and then shot the question right back at the boys, who revealed that they were seniors. Yeah… so… good times…
As you could imagine, this polite banter had thoroughly bored The Lexie, who abruptly asked, “Rachel, do you want to leave?” WELL. It seems as though the royal caravan must move on! And so even though their plates were still loaded with food, Lexie and Bernice exited the domain of Heidelberg, perhaps to complain about the weather elsewhere.
Once the girls were gone, Alex began talking to Stephen about Raquel, revealing that maybe he wasn’t being totally sincere when he said he’d give her one more chance. Truth was that he just didn’t seem to like her anymore, mostly on account of her being “too gnarly.” Stephen then compared her to something, but I couldn’t understand him. I think the best I could approximate was “She’s like a lawn.” That didn’t seem to make much sense. But then again, a lawn needs to be cut, and I think that’s what’s going to happen to Rocky!
Alex then told his buddy that he’d be going to the bonfire, and it sounded to me like he wouldn’t be taking nor telling Rocky. Why should he? There were plenty of phyne women around — like Bernice and Lexie, who were presently pulling out of the parking lot, honking and waving at the boys. Wow. The coveted Lexie wave! Surely I thought only Kelan was worthy of such gestures!
“Many good tidings, gentlemen.”
All this just reaffirmed one thing for Stephen: “Maybe you shouldn’t go with Rocky,” he said. The two guys then laughed at his dumb joke for about ten minutes. This could not be good for Rocky’s romantic endeavors…
We then went to a commercial break, and when we returned, all the kids were showing up for the bonfire. With the sun shining, what better way to pass the day than by playing an old-fashioned game of volleyball. Cameron and the boyz (including Alex) quickly shed their shirts and cavorted in the sun while Chase stayed back with the food, eyeing Alex suspiciously and saying, “Who are these guys?” Um, maybe if you paid attention to the same six people who always surround you, you’d know. However, Chase had an even larger question to ask: “Where are all the girls?” Just at that moment, we cut to Lexie, Rachel, and the ever plucky Tara as they approached the beach.
“Aw, no way! Right when I said that, they’re walking over here!” Chase exclaimed, shocked at the lunacy of this coincidence. I mean, it’s crazy! He asked where the girls were, and they were NEARBY!!! OMG!!!! (I’ve just flipped over a coffee table because my mind is so blown).
As soon as the ladies situated themselves, they got to work observing all the guys playing volleyball. “Oh my God, Alex is so cute! Look at him!” Tara gushed, adding, “But what if he likes foie gras???”
“IT’S MOTHERF@#KIN’ GOOSE LIVER!!!!”
Arriving next at this bonfire (which was nothing compared to Roz’s Peace Bonfire last season) was Kyndra, who was already complaining. “I’m not going in the trench!” she balked, perhaps referring to something vaguely sexual. Since Kyndra was bitching about junk, loyal sidekick Cami had to follow suit, and so she attacked the most offensive thing she could find besides this mysterious trench. “Ew! Dirty-ass sand!” Cami scoffed. Um, what exactly did she expect? Funny thing about beaches: they have sand.
Meanwhile, a surprisingly feisty Tara continued to watch the guys playing volleyball, at one point joking, “Cameron, I thought you were good!” Ouch! The little known Tara attack! However, if being insulted by Lexie is like a stingray barb in the chest, then getting dissed by Tara is like a nip from a cuttlefish: harmless.
As for Kyndra, she was still languishing on the beach, complaining, “Oh my God! What is this stuff? I hate this sand!” I didn’t know what she was stepping in, but I hope it involved feces. I’ve never heard people fuss so much about sand in my life. These girls must be dropped from LB4.
Just when the partay couldn’t get any worse, who should show up but the nerd herd: Rocky and Tessa. This caused obnoxious gawking all around, led by none other than THE LEXIE who haughtily said, “Look over there.”
“Oh my God,” Tara added. The only thing that could have been worse would have been if a giant slab of foie gras were making its way to the bonfire too.
Kyndra also supplied her usual dose of bitchiness as she scoffed, “They found us!” and as Tessa approached, she asked Rocky, “Isn’t it cold?” Was she talking about the weather or just her reception.
“The presence of those girls perturbs me.”
“I shall therefore eat this Dorito with disdain!”
Well, everyone sat around the bonfire, chatting away, and it didn’t take long for people to start whispering about Alex and Rocky. “What’s the deal with you and Alex? I would like to know,” Stephen asked Raquel, rather formally, I’d like to add. Rocky said they were back together, but I’m sure all the questions didn’t really give her too much faith in that.
Cami then interjected with a typically inane comment, this time announcing, “I hate the smell of bonfire!” Who hates the smell of bonfire? That’s right: IDIOTS.
Just as they had done to Rocky, the girls then started needling with Tessa about Derek. “Are you and Derek still together, Tessa?” they asked, and when she replied, “Yeah,” Lexie let out one of her typically condescending guffaws. THE LEXIE IS AMUSED!
Kyndra then dared Derek to give Tessa a kiss, but did he do it? NO. (At least, that’s the way it looked according to the editing.) Derek instead touched Tessa’s shoulders and then trotted off to find something or another. Maybe that’s their weird way of kissing. Kind of like how the Coneheads touch foreheads. Anyway, clearly bored after having toyed with Derek and Tessa, Kyndra then set her sights on more exciting things: namely, playing with lighter fluid. Yay! I hope she douses herself by accident and falls in the bonfire.
Meanwhile, Rocky and Tessa decided to go on a little walk where they wallowed in self-pity. “What did we do to deserve this awkwardness, huh?” Rocky asked. How about you don’t date douchebags who only say two words every half hour?
As Tessa and Rocky talked, the other girls took advantage of this opportunity and pried Alex with questions about his dating status. Like vultures circling… Scratch that. Like vultures circling to the sound of bongos. Yes, some idiot brought bongos (or a similar sounding drum) to the bonfire and was thumping them emphatically, somehow thinking that a) this made him cool, or b) anyone at the bonfire even cared about his rhythmic accompaniment (which they did not).
Well, Rocky soon requested Alex’s presence on a walk, and as soon as they had distanced themselves from the group, she told him that she felt there was a wall. She said they could make this relationship work, but she couldn’t do it by herself. Rocky just wanted them to be happy again. “I’m happy,” Alex said unconvincingly. “I don’t feel like you’re happy at all,” Rocky replied. Well, it all depends on what you mean by “happy.” If you mean “miserable,” then yes, he’s very, very happy.
Sensing that Alex was clamming up (at this point, he was pulling a J-Wahl and wasn’t saying anything), Rocky then asked, “Why’s it hard to communicate with you now, hun?” Maybe it’s hard to communicate because HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SPEAK.
Over at the bonfire, Cameron speculated as to what was going on between Alex and Rocky, sensitively saying, “I think he’s telling her to kick rocks!” This made Tessa upset, and so Cameron revised what he was saying, noting that he hoped they weren’t breaking up, buuuut… he still thought he was telling her to kick rocks. Sure enough, rocks were being kicked. Alex admitted that he thought it was too late to fix things, causing Rocky to patiently ask, “What are you thinking?” C’mon, Raquel. Time to get with the program. Read the writing on the wall: he don’t wanna be with you. Alas, she needed an explicit answer, and so finally Alex came out and said it: “We’re done.” Awww. I didn’t see that coming at all… except for in all the MTV promos which showed this scene all week long.
And so the two ambled back to the group, and as people whispered about them having just broken up, Alex quickly headed towards his next conquest: THE LEXIE. He made post-bonfire plans with her, taking down her number and all (to be fair, he also grabbed Candice’s too). As for Rocky, he just gave her a passing glance. Stick a fork in it: these two are dunzo!
What did you think about this episode? What do you think about Alex? And where the hell is Breanna? Why wasn’t she at the bonfire?