OMG OMG OMG!!!! Did you even see what Alex said about Rocky on Laguna Beach? He was like totally creeping on Lexie after the bonfire and was all like “Hey, why don’t you and Rachel come to Chase’s concert with me?” but then like Nick W. asked Rocky to go to the same concert, and Rocky was like “Eh” but then she was like “Okay, I guess,” and Alex showed up and was like totally all about the silent treatment and then Rocky like said something to Nick W. and Alex was like “What a slut!” and Stephen was like “She’s desperate,” and Tessa was like “OMG. Derek never says anything,” and Derek was like “Yeah” and Rocky was like “I’m hyperventilating!” and Breanna was like “I still exist!” It was so crazy! I’m so telling Kyndra about this tomorrow at Heidelberg!This week’s controversial episode of Laguna touched on some of the elements that have made this franchise so endearing: the silent, idiotic boyfriend, the ample use of sidekicks, and of course, the hypocritical hurling of the word “slut.” Granted, it still couldn’t hold a candle to when Stephen yelled “SLUT!!!” at Kristin two years ago, but considering how dreary most of this season has been, this episode did inject a little life into the show.
As the episode opened, Tessa recapped what happened last week: “The bonfire was a complete disaster!” No shit, Sherlock. Everyone had a miserable time. To be fair, it wasn’t a complete disaster. I think for that sort of classification, there would have be some sort of accidental forest fire attached. Nevertheless, Tessa reminded us that “Alex TOTALLY broke up with Rocky!” Not kind of broke up. TOTALLY BROKE UP. Like OMG!
Once all the vital info had been parsed out for us, we then retreated to the Cactus Kingdom known as Raquel’s house. She and Tessa sat out on the porch and talked about Alex and all that crap. Rocky was sad that the relationship was over, but at least now, there was closure and she could move on. But who would she move on to? Conveniently, Rocky revealed, “Nick asked me out on a date last week.” This elicited a disparaging giggle from Tessa and rolled eyes from Rocky. Aw man. Sidekicks get no respect! Poor Nick W.! He should totally go after Roz if she comes back to town. Personally, I found it amusing that immediately, one of Cameron’s boyz was going after Raquel. It must have totally pissed off Kyndra and Cami, the so-called masters of said boyz. Suck it up, bitches!
Anyway, Raquel relayed how Nick wanted to take Rocky out on Tuesday. Or Friday. Tuesday and Friday. Basically, he just wanted to take her out as soon as he could. Why he limited himself to those two days was a bit bizarre, but I guess Thursdays were all booked, what with Nick’s undying need to watch Shark.
But enough about Rocky’s love life. How about Tessa’s? As you may remember, she was supposedly dating this guy Derek, but when Rocky asked how everything was, Tessa replied, “I don’t know. Derek said hi to me, but he didn’t like talk to me.” Um, that’s usually a bad sign. Usually, if your “boyfriend” doesn’t acknowledge your presence, it usually means things aren’t so hot. Luckily, Tessa sensed that all was not well in the world of Tessarek, and she expressed frustration that everything seemed to be going past her, and yet she was sitting around, waiting on her ass for Derek. She just didn’t know what to do! (Besides renting Melinda & Melinda with Rocky’s parents.)
Ultimately, Rocky asked, “Do you find this ironic that we both have literally the exact same issue?” Ummm… no. And you don’t have the same issue. She has a boyfriend. You don’t. STOP BANDYING ABOUT IRONY LIKE IT’S JUST ANOTHER BLUEBERRY TRACK SUIT!
Anyway, after the opening credits, we found Rocky’s erstwhile boyfriend Alex shooting golfballs with his newest sidekick, the ever goofy Stephen. Whereas most Laguna buddies tend to be the Tubbs to someone else’s Crockett, Stephen was more of the Igor to Alex’s Dr. Frankenstein. He eagerly asked his master for all the juicy details of the breakup (even though he was there at the bonfire too). “Did Rocky cry?” he probed excitedly, a hearty Butthead chuckle in his voice.
“She got watery in the eyes,” Alex said, clearly not used to the more apt term, “teary-eyed.” I wonder if when he sees people crying, he comments, “They’ve got water leaking out of their head!”
The two guys then talked about their post-Raquel plans and (hopeful) conquests: Lexie and Rachel. Alex revealed that he was working on Lexie (they both have x’s in their names. It’s a love connection), causing Stephen to enthusiastically gush, “I KNOW! I saw you!” Relax, dude. All Alex did was ask for Lexie’s number. Nevertheless, I’m pretty sure Stephen probably spent the bulk of his childhood wearing a protective helmet.
Anyway, Alex then mentioned that he wanted to invite Lexie and Rachel to Chase’s upcoming concert. Wait a second. Alex didn’t even go to Laguna High. Why was he inviting Lexie and Rachel to the concert when he wasn’t even friends with Chase in the first place. What a poacher!
We then cut to THE LEXIE and her loyal sidekick Rachel as they performed their favorite activity: eating lunch al fresco. I had to admit, normally, I call Rachel “Bernice,” but honestly, she wasn’t looking very Bernice-y today. Her tan seemed to have faded, and there wasn’t a hint of leopard skin on her clothes. Therefore, I regrettably must downgrade her to her real name: Rachel, which is apt enough. Hopefully, we can return to Bernice status soon enough.
Anyway, as the two girls dined, suddenly Rachel’s cell phone rang, causing her to remark, “I really need to change this ring tone!” Yes, please do! That simple ringer was entirely too annoying. Be sure to change it to something that won’t bother anyone at all — like a John Mayer ringtone. Or Maroon 5. Or maybe even Danity Kane!
Well, on the phone was none other than Alex, calling from the golf range. As shocked as Rachel was to hear from him, it was nothing compared to The Lexie. That’s right, THE LEXIE COULD NOT BELIEVE ALEX WAS CALLING. She had not summoned his presence, whether it be in person or over the phone. This lack of genuflection would surely be noted!
“Alexander is calling? Heavens!”
Anyway, Alex — with his neck all red and blotchy — invited the girls to Chase’s concert, but while Rachel acted like she was down for it, she changed her tune as soon as she hung up. “There’s something weird about him, huh?” she asked, possibly referencing his James Franco appearance and/or his curiously blotchy neck. The Lexie agreed with Rachel, noting how dismayed she was about his “creeping” and about how he had asked for everyone’s number directly after his breakup. “I’m sure he’s going to creep on some other girl!” she predicted. NOBODY CREEPS ON THE LEXIE!
Rachel’s true talent: making her lips disappear!
Meanwhile, back at the driving range, Alex and Stephen thought they had scored a major victory, causing them to chuckle proudly. The two upgraded to full-fledge guffaw after Alex managed to accidentally hurl his golf club after his swing. Didn’t that happen on The Hills too? Do the men of Laguna Beach not understand the basic concept of golf gloves? Or better yet, the basic concept of not letting go of things that you’re swinging?
Alex had a simple response to his mishap: “I’m all sweaty.” I’m surprised Stephen didn’t snort back, “Excellent, my master! Let me fetch you your club and then towel you down! Afterwards, we can dine on herring!”
Elsewhere in town, Derek and Cameron and Nick W. were cavorting on the beach, playing some alterna-version of bocci that didn’t quite involve too much rolling, on account of all the sand. As usual, Nick W. was the worst player (he’s terrible at sports, we’ve discovered), and when everyone began bashing his latest throw, he defended himself by saying, “Dude, it’s mellow!” You know what else is “mellow”? You’re terrible athletic skills. Never touch a ball again!
As rousing as this game was, the guys couldn’t help but get distracted with talk of girls. Cam was particularly interested in Derek’s relationship with Tessa. “She’s a Stage Five clinger!” Cameron said, thus revealing to the world that clinging could actually be judged on a hurricane scale (or he was merely quoting The Wedding Crashers). In typical sidekick fashion, Nick tried to improve the joke by saying, “Stage Five cling-on!” No, Nick. No. This is Cameron’s joke. Sidekicks are not allowed to touch Master jokes. Know your role.
Meanwhile, over at Zinc Café, Tessa and Rocky were enjoying lunch, and guess what they were talking about? Boyfriends! Tessa explained that she was still waiting to find out what the deal was with Derek. Spoken like a true Stage Five Clinger — always wants to “speak” to her boyfriend that “doesn’t speak to her.” So clingy.
Chase then dropped by the table, unfortunately arriving amidst a spilling crisis by Rocky (she was spilling all over herself, as she mentioned several times). The bearded wannabe musician was all good cheer and happiness, asking Tessa, “How was your day?” before he then opened it up to the entire table (ie. Rocky) and asked, “How was everyone’s day?” It was great, Chase! Thanks for asking!
Stage Five Clinger incoming!!!!
Rocky then said, “We both have boyfriend issues. It’s very sad.” To which Chase said, “So do I. But I probably won’t be talking about them until my sophomore year of college.” Oh, I keed! He didn’t say that. Instead, Tessa took the time to babble on about the Derek situation, saying, “I just can’t imagine spending a whole bonfire next to him and not talking to him!” A WHOLE BONFIRE! That’s like an eternity! Luckily, relationship expert Chase was on the case (rhyme intended!)
“No offense, he’s not going to pay attention to, like, his girl,” Chase said of Derek. “That’s how, like, a lot of people are.” Yes. A lot of people are like that. Especially douchebags.
Chase then asked how long all this had been going on, and Tessa answered that it had started… yesterday. Okay, I didn’t realize Tessa’s issues had been less than twenty-four hours old. All this drama was a bit over-the-top. I had to mildly agree with Chase, who encouraged Tessa to just chill out a little bit. According to him, there was a three day rule. If Derek’s behavior lasted longer than three days, then she’d know there was a problem. Okay, but what if Derek doesn’t talk to Tessa tomorrow night at the concert? What then? According to Chase, that was okay because it fell within the Three Day rule. I say we implement a Three Day rule with Chase’s music. If we don’t like it after three days, he never plays it again. And consider those days retroactive to the beginning of the season.
Honestly, just writing about Chase and Tessa puts me to sleep. I literally dozed off at my computer just now.
Speaking of Chase, after the commercial break, he and his bandmates were all standing outside, loading equipment into an SUV. Suddenly, a vehicle approached, and Chase stated, “I smell Nick Walker!” Sure enough, driving that care was none other than Nick W.. Pretty impressive that Chase could smell him from that far away. Then again, I heard Nick hadn’t showed since that intense round of Beach Bocci. Anyway, the guys all pressed Nick about his intentions for Rocky, asking if he was gonna “move on in there.” Oh, he was gonna move on in there! Unless, of course, Rocky challenged him to a rousing game of miniature golf. His total lack of athletic abilities would surely leave him shamed and emasculated.
Later that night, we found Rocky and Tessa all dressed up with nowhere to go. They were sitting around Rocky’s house, waiting for… well… we weren’t sure who. I assumed Nick, but since no one ever said anything, I was kind of confused at first. Nevertheless, the two girls passed the time by what else? Talking about boys! Specifically: Alex.
“I’m not going to talk to Alex, by the way,” Tessa revealed. Her silent treatment would surely haunt his every thought! (Especially seeing how much Tessa normally speaks to Alex.)
Rocky then asked Tessa why she was gonna give Alex the cold shoulder, and she replied, “Because I don’t like him right now.” She then added, “Plus, I really don’t talk much in social environments anyway. Unless, of course, it involves your parents and a DVD of Amadeus.”
Anyway, Nick W. soon arrived to take the girls to Chase’s concert. While they were decked out in nice clothing, Nick looked like a scrub in his stupid t-shirt. Then again, they were only going to a concert. He probably was more aptly dressed than they were. Nevertheless, he quickly observed, “I don’t know if that’s, like, quite concert, like, attire. You’re, like, look like you’re ready, like, to go to, like, a debutante ball or something.” I, like, don’t know, like, what sort of, like, skanky, like, debutante, like, balls Nick W. has been going to, but I’m pretty sure most debutantes wear dressed that extend beyond their knees. By the way, way to make fun of your date’s fashion choices. Girls love that!
Well, the gang headed over to a local venue which was pretty much as close to The OC’s Bait Shop as you could get. Tessa stood alone, natch, and when Derek ambled into the club, he unsurprisingly seemed pained to talk to his near-silent girlfriend.
“When does Kelan’s band go on?” Derek asked. Kelen’s band??? I believe it’s called OPEN AIR STEREO, neophyte!
Nevertheless, Tessa responded with, “I know! I’m waiting. Waiting, waiting.” What crackling dialogue! I’m not sure Derek’s been giving her the silent treatment as much as she’s simply just a terrible conversationalist.
“So… have you ever been to a box store?”
As Chase took the stage, Rocky stood outside with her friend Ben, who asked her what the deal was with her and Nick W. Raquel explained that she was just playing — dating a little bit on account of her being single. With perfect timing, Alex and Igor, I mean, Stephen just happened to show up at the club, but even though they stood on line directly behind Rocky, they completely ignored her, not even saying a civilized hello. OUCH!
However, that wasn’t the biggest bombshell of the night. No, the big news was that inside the club, BREANNA HAD RETURNED FROM HER REALITY SABBATICAL! I was just about to plaster Missing Posters all over Laguna. I didn’t know where she had been, but she was back with a vengeance now! She was hanging out with Alex! Actually, it didn’t look like she was hanging out with him as much as he seemed to have sat down at her table. Bree-Bree couldn’t have looked more bored with his presence. Of course, what was great about all of this was that Lexie and Rachel were nowhere to be found. Consider Alex DENIED! Looks like he was unable to win over THE LEXIE. (She has a clear anti-creeping policy.)
Anyway, while Chase bellowed cacophonously on stage, Alex decided that Breanna would be absolutely fascinated with his love life. “Yeah, I broke up with Rocky,” he said for no apparent reason.
“I know,” replied Breanna, totally bored. Alex then commented on how crazy Raquel was (you know, what with all her “Please say more than two words to me per day” demands), and Bree-Bree concurred, clearly still scarred from the whole “incident” at the café. Still, as much as anyone enjoys some old-fashioned Rocky-bashing, we could tell that Breanna looked totally unhappy with Alex’s company. I half expected her to shrug and say, “I came out of reality hibernation for this? Oy vey!” In my mind, she then does a whole Jackie Mason routine, which is awesome because honestly, try to imagine Breanna doing Borscht Belt comedy. It’s a match made in heaven!
“Um, can I leave now?”
Nevertheless, we then cut to Rocky, who had taken a seat next to some random vixen. I didn’t know who she was, but she had Mission Viejo written all over her, if you catch my drift (know what I’m saying, Roz?). Anyway, Nick W. soon appeared by Raquel’s side, causing Alex to watch from afar jealously. Even though Nick and Rocky did nothing but whisper in each other’s ears, Alex couldn’t help but be overcome with rage. “Rocky’s a slut,” he told Stephen. “Rocky. She’s a slut.” He then added, “And I’m not just calling her a slut because I was a dick to her and therefore have to vilify her so I can live with my decisions in life.” Okay, Alex didn’t say that, but seriously. He had every right to call Rocky a slut. I mean, she was sitting next to a boy! WHORE! Granted, she didn’t go around asking for every boy’s number at the bonfire, but she clearly was a promiscuous trollop.
With his ego bruised thanks to Lexie and his ex-girlfriend now enjoying the company of new men, Alex had nothing else to do but scoff, “That’s bullshit, dude!” And with that, he and Stephen left the concert! I’m hoping he remembers that he’s the one who dumped her. He kind of loses the right to be jealous. Anyway, for whatever reason, Rocky went outside to pursue Alex, but the tricky editing kind of fell apart, and next thing we knew, Rocky was suddenly tearing up on the sidewalk for no clear reason. Did she overhear Alex? Was she regretting her Nick W. date? Soon, she began hyperventilating, which led me to believe she had heard Alex say, “What a slut.” While she teetered on the verge of collapse, Alex and Stephen trekked away from the club, writing off Rocky’s entire Nick W. date in the process. “It doesn’t faze me,” Alex said. “I don’t care.” Yes, it doesn’t faze you one bit — as evidenced by the fact that you just stormed out of the club in bitter protest.
We then cut to Rocky, who was now squatting down in the parking lot, crying by the wheel of a car. Paging Tessa. Paging Tessa. Please go to the parking lot. Your friend is in the process of making a total fool of herself.
We then cut to commercial, and when we returned, Tessa and Rocky were walking around a park in Laguna, talking about how crazy the night had been. Rocky commented, “I don’t think I can cry anymore.” And yet, something tells me she can and she will.
Elsewhere, Alex hung out with his cronies, Stephen and EJ, trying to rationalize his behavior by putting it all on Ra-kwell. “You saw the way she was acting,” Stephen said.
“She’s ridiculous,” Alex replied, insinuating that Rocky was hanging out with Nick just to get back at him. Here’s an idea: if you don’t want to deal with Rocky’s passive-aggressive attacks, stop hanging out with all her friends. You can’t fault her for playing mindgames when you’re trying to poach everyone in Laguna. Go back to your own school!
Nevertheless, Alex then faulted Nick W., saying, “Buddies don’t do that to buddies.” This, of course, begged a very important question: since when were Alex and Nick ever buddies?
Anyway, Stephen claimed that Nick should have told Alex beforehand that he was gonna make a move on Raquel. Alex agreed. According to him, there was no need for Nick W. to act all “silent night” about it. Yeah man! Nick W. totally took all the “Joy to the World” out of their friendship. Things were going to be so “Frosty the Snowman” between them now. Some might say it was not the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” for these two.
“This is what it’s all about: sitting around, shootin’ the shit, and drinkin’ soda from a can!”
As the episode wound down, we then headed over to Derek’s house where Tessa arrived to “have a talk” with him, especially seeing how he had extended his “silent night” beyond the three days allowed by Chase. Ultimately, Derek said they would be better off simply as friends, which meant that Tessa had been dumped on television AGAIN.
Afterwards, Derek told Tessa, “I’m glad we had this talk.” Yes, all three words of it were positively engaging.
And just like that, Tessarek tore asunder, bringing all our showmances to an end. Or are they? It looks like King of Douchebags Tyler returns next week to romance his erstwhile girlfriend Kyndra down on Spring Break. Can’t wait!
What did you think about this episode? What are your thoughts on Alex? How did you feel when he called Rocky a slut?