Like OMG! Did you see the party on Laguna Beach last night? Like everyone totally came! Even Kyndra and Cami showed up, even though they were all like “Eww! We hate confetti!” And Chase was like all about acting like he wasn’t going to go, but then he totally went! And then Tessa was like totally surprised, and Rocky was like “I love you!” and the waiter was like “Watch out for the red peppers!” It was like totally the best birthday week evah!Yes, this week’s episode of Laguna Beach was all about Tess and her upcoming seventeenth birthday. Little did she know that there was a surprise party planned in her honor. At the outset of the episode, Rocky asked her what she wanted, and I was praying that the answer might involve some sort of nasal decongestant. However, the chronically wooden birthday girl merely said (or read, perhaps), “I don’t know [pause... 2... 3... 4... ] I just want to hang out with Chase.” Yes, Tessa wanted to spend her birthday with the school’s resident rock star/scarecrow, Chase, but one problem: “He’s always busy with his music,” Tessa sighed, wallowing in the bland realities of her existence.
Anyway, Tessa and Raquel continued to discuss the enigmatic being that is Chase, and I would tell you what they said but a) it was forgettable, and b) I kept getting distracted by Tessa’s magazine flapping in the gale force Laguna winds. Hey Tessa, it’s called a paperweight. LOOK INTO IT.
Nevertheless, I did seem to remember the girls saying how Chase wanted to be a rock star, and I’m sure if anyone could help, it would be Rocky. You know, on account of her being the long lost spawn of Naomi Judd. Anyway, the opening credits then rolled, and soon we learned the title of tonight’s epic show: “Who Wants To Date A Rock Star?” I couldn’t tell if that was a rhetoric question or a general plea. Either way, it provoked nightmarish visions of Tommy Lee taking Tessa on a date at Dave and Buster’s, and for that I was not happy.
Speaking of Rock Stars, we then headed over to Nick G.’s house (no relation to Warren) where the dumb band, Open Air Stereo, was busy practicing. As far as teen rockers go, they weren’t as painfully cacophonous as Talan’s “let’s play random notes” band, but that’s not saying much. Luckily, we didn’t hear much of their music in this scene — just a mere snippet featuring Chase singing “Ahhhhh” over and over again. Yes, he’s quite the wordsmith. Silverchair better watch out!
Well, the band took a quick break, and conveniently, Rocky called Chase up and asked him if they were all set for Tessa’s party. You see, up until now, we didn’t know there was a party, and from the sounds of it, this was gonna be a surprise party! “She has no clue,” Rocky said, adding, “Seriously, she has no clue about anything. She doesn’t even know what birds are.” Okay, Rocky didn’t say that last part, but Chase did note that this party is “gonna rage!” And let’s be honest. Nothing saying ragin’ like a wild girl like Tessa!
And what was Tessa doing at that moment? Oh, you know. Just staring off into space. Raquel walked up to her in a café and kissed her on the cheek, “surprising” her in the process. “Oh. Hey,” Tessa remarked in her typically captivating way. Rocky then wished her a happy birthday week (shouldn’t it be birth week, not birthday week?) to which Tessa replied, “Thank you!” This was followed by the arrival of their food, prompting Rocky to say, “Thank you!” which was then echoed by Tessa who also chirped, “Thank you!” Seriously, everyone STOP SAYING THANK YOU. WE GET IT.
Well, with the weekend coming, Tessa wanted to know what Rocky had in store for the big birthday party. Oh, not much, Raquel said. Just a few people were coming over. Oh, and Chase wasn’t gonna be able to make it because he had a busy night of singing “Ahhhhh” in Nick G’s basement. As you can imagine, Tessa was quite crestfallen by this news, and while she emoted blandly into her salad, we headed over to Kyndra’s house where our queen bee was busy trying on outfits. Overseeing this process was Kyndra’s mom, Karen, or as I like to call her, MARKIE POST. Who would have ever thought Kyndra came from such faux Night Court-ish roots? Actually, to be fair, Karen wasn’t a total Markie Post doppleganger — that is, unless Markie Post got giant, fake boobs and a nasty sunburn.
Anyhoo, like so many Laguna moms, Karen seemed to be enjoying the vicarious thrill ride that was her daughter’s life, and at one point, when Kyndra insisted she wasn’t preparing for a date, K-Dawg remarked, “That’s a pretty hot outfit for it not being a date.” This, of course, comes from the woman with the silicon funbags popping out of her low-cut shirt. And don’t think she wasn’t afraid to show those assets off to Cameron when he showed up. With “Mrs. Robinson” playing in my head, Karen managed to bend over generously, making sure all boys (and MTV cameras) in a five foot radius could see the full-splendor of her mighty bosom. Oh K-Dawg. You naughty, naughty minx. Of course, she’s nothing compared to Charlene Torriero, mother of Talan:
“Excuse me while I lean over, children.”
“You ever been with an older woman, Cameron? Wanna see what it’s like?”
We then went from Kyndra’s mom Karen to Jessica’s mom Karen, who, by the way, looked EXACTLY like Jessica. As you’d expect from these two, they were busy talking about boys, specifically Cameron. Karen asked if her daughter was dating him or whatever, and then she rationalized, “He’s an old junior, and you graduated a year early.” Well, I guess that means their relationship isn’t totally sad and pathetic on Jessica’s part! Yay! By the way, it’s super sad when Jessica has to rely on her mom as a sidekick. Even LC was able to import random people for her stint last season (and let’s not forget that one of those random people was the beloved Heidi, luminary thinker of Southern California).
Shut up, MIRROR IMAGE!
Anyway, Karen chided her daughter/reflection by saying, “What do you think Cameron’s doing? Waiting for you? He’s too cute.” Ouch. Well, Jessica scoffed at her mother’s snotty (but true) comment by asking, “Why do you have to be such a KILLJOY???” Oooh! Nice use of “killjoy!” I didn’t know colorful vocabulary was allowed in The ‘Guna. I felt like I had just witnessed some rare phenomenon, like a solar eclipse or Saint Elmo’s Fire. Nevertheless, sick of her daughter’s whining, Karen asked, “Did you learn anything from Kristin?… That girl kind of had it down.” She then added, “Why can’t Kristin be my daughter instead? I love her. Like in a motherly way.” Okay, she didn’t say that, but I’d like to thank Karen for passive-aggressively insulting Jessica and then comparing her to another peer. Without such great parenting, we’d never have Jessica’s needy pleas for attention that we love oh so much.
Meanwhile, over at the same sushi spot where he had taken Jessica last week, Cameron was now enjoying a not-date with Kyndra. The two babbled about inane things, specifically Cami and how allegedly awesome she was. “I love Cami,” Kyndra stated. “She’s the guy version of you.” Uh… Cami’s a man?
“She’s the girl version?” Cameron then corrected. Dammit. He stole my joke! Anyway, Kyndra continued her academic comparison of Cami and Cameron by nothing that they both go to the movies! Like OMG! Did she even mention how the first three letters of their names were exactly the same???? Well, Cameron insisted that he did not actually go to the movies that often, causing Kyndra to balk, “Are you kidding me? OH MY GOD!” He SOOOOO goes to the movies!!! The fact that he plays down his movie attendance is like totally the most crazy thing EVER!!! OMG!!!!
“He SO goes to the movies more than he’s saying!”
The conversation then meandered on over to juicier subjects, namely Cameron’s relationship with Jessica. He played it down, saying he and Jessica weren’t dating — they had only hooked up, and it was just one night. But after his blatant lying about his cinema patronage, I really wasn’t sure what to believe anymore! Well, Kyndra was quite relieved to find out that Jessica wasn’t the roadblock she thought she’d be, and with all worries assuaged, the two could banter about more important subjects like how Cameron had totally ordered too much sushi. Did he not realize there was chicken teriyaki coming too??? Whatevs!
With the sound of some girl cover of Dashboard Confessional’s “Screaming Infidelities” in the background, we then headed to the world famous Koffee Klatch where Chase and Tessa were having a fascinating discussion about shopping and stuff. This summit of blandness reached epic levels when Chase pretended like he couldn’t make it to Tessa’s birthday party, saying he had band obligations.
“You know, you’re getting big, I guess,” Tessa remarked. “I remember when you used to play at lunch.” Yeah, and now they play gym class. They are like huge now!
The two then babbled about how they don’t get to hang out that often, but when they do, it’s awesome because everything goes back to the way it always was. “Isn’t that weird?” Chase mused.
“It’s kind of intense!” Tessa answered. Actually, it’s not very intense at all. Then again, when you live a life as chronically boring as Tessa’s, the mere sight of a pigeon waddling down the sidewalk is enough to get the heart racing.
After the break, we headed over to Rocky’s house where people were prepping for the big party. Turns out that tonight’s episode was the official Meet The Moms show because in addition to the Karens from earlier, we also met Tessa’s mom Francesca (ethnicity alert! Asian features detected!), Raquel’s mom Robin, and lasly, Chase’s mom, Julia, or as I call her, First Lady Martha Logan. Seriously, she had some major Jean Smart going on. What was up with the Laguna moms looking all ’80s sitcom starrish? I feel like if we sat in on one of their tea parties, it would be like watching the cast of It’s A Living (Cami’s mom is so Sheryl Lee Ralph. Either that, or she’s Nell Carter from Gimme A Break).
Anyway, as everyone got ready for the party (read: milled around the kitchen pointlessly), Chase commented, “It’s gonna be raging. Could I say that one more time?” Please don’t.
Meanwhile, over at Kyndra’s house, Cami was busy balancing two water balloons on her chest. Oh wait, those were her breasts. She and Kyndra bitched and moaned about Tessa’s upcoming party, and Kyndra in particular bashed the silly invitation she had received, complaining that when she opened it, confetti fell out and got everywhere. This of course had me wondering just how Kyndra opened her invite. Did she hold it above her head and shake out its contents like a moron? Or did she merely rip it in half like a barbarian? Because as far as I can tell, unless you’re developmentally challenged, it’s not that hard to keep the confetti in the envelope.
The conversation was put on hold for one second, however, as Kyndra, browsing through some fashion mag, declared, “Oooh! Chanel is going to be so pissed when they find out what Dior did!” Like totally! Chanel’s gonna like totally dis-invite Dior from the Black-And-White party!
The two girls then resumed their not so bashful bash bashing (I’m clever!), which had me wondering why they were going in the first place. I should have known. Boys. Cameron was going, which meant Kyndra had to go, and since no Master can be unaccompanied at a social event, sidekick Cami had to attend as well. Quelle horreur!
Back at Raquel Judd’s house, the band was busy with the world’s most annoying soundcheck EVER, and then finally, the kids began showing up. Partay! Let the good times roll! I was happy to see this season of ethnic diversity included what seemed to be a fully black girl (I’m working under the assumption that Cami is mixed). Also, I was quite surprised to see all the Long Island girls show up, but then I realized that somewhere along the line, The ‘Guna had simply become the trashy mecca of Southern California. We then saw general cavorting at the party, with Cameron towering about three feet above everyone else in attendance, and then finally, it was time to brace for Tessa’s arrival. With the lights off and everyone quiet, Kyndra noted, “I’m smelling body odor.” I think we can blame Chase for that.
Is that Mike Boogie escorting Tessa into the party?
Eventually, Tessa walked in the front door, and sure enough, she was shocked! So shocked, she couldn’t even say anything (which was not unlike her unshocked state). Rocky got the ball rolling on the whole talking thing by saying, “I love you!” And as soon as pleasantries were exchanged, everyone crammed downstairs where like omg Open Air Stereo was going to perform!!! To show just how badass he was, Chase doffed his shirt and began rockin’ the house with his pseudo-Incubus stylings. Cami and Kyndra of course slithered up to the front where they did that awkward dance that people do in non-dance-worthy concert settings, but when it came time to sing Happy Birthday to the lady of the hour, the cool girls decided it was time to go. Kyndra and some girl Nikki bolted, which meant they missed the bland-nificient moment that was Chase regaling Tessa with birthday wishes. That’s thirty seconds of awkward Tessa giggling they’ll never get to experience!
After the commercial break, we then engaged in the age-old Laguna Beach tradition of spending the third act gabbing about the second act. Our post-game coverage began at Rocky’s house the next day where she relived that magical moment when Tessa first walked through the door. She looked like she had just walked into the wrong house, Rocky said for like the third time this episode. I will say that there’s nothing quite as disarming as walking up to your apartment door and then suddenly realizing you’re at the wrong floor. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it blows your mind.
Anyway, Tessa commented that she had no idea about the surprise party, and it was so awesome that Chase could be there and blah blah blah. She also revealed that she and Chase were having dinner together that night, causing Rocky to coo, “You totally belong together.” Yes, they would be like a super union of blandness.
Speaking of Chase, he was shooting pool with some of his fellow band members and discussing the arduous task that was Tessa’s party. He explained how not telling Tessa about the big bash was “the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure.” Oh, the plight of Chase! The burden of a surprise party is one that no man should ever have to experience! Why must he bear the brunt of such a torturous challenge? If you prick him, does he not bleed?
Elsewhere in The ‘Guna, Kyndra was busy getting her car hand washed, and as usual, loyal Cami was there to participate in this monumental event. The girls tore apart Rocky’s party, with Kyndra saying, “I was glad we left when we did. It was getting super stupid.” Yes, so stupid that you couldn’t resist dancing in the front row of Chase’s mini-concert. Methinks someone was jealous that Rocky staged a better event than Kyndra’s BBQ (which earlier she had insisted was so bomb).
Cami, meanwhile, was disgusted that there were so many people at the party who weren’t even friends with Tessa. How insincere! This clearly peeved Cami, a true paragon of genuine behavior or compassion. As you’d expect, she then eviscerated Rocky’s appearance, saying, “Raquel, like, just some of her outfit choices… Like, do you not own a mirror?” Kyndra echoed this by commenting, “I know we all have bellybutton rings, but hers was like a six foot chain.” OH MY GOD! It’s almost as if she were dressed like she were at a rock concert or something! Who does that??? Kyndra then noted, “I touched it, and I was like ‘That’s cuuute.’” Always good to see that the politics of high school superficiality are still alive and well!
Later that night, we headed over to the Five Foot Restaurant where Tessa was giggling at dinner with Chase. Honestly, I was starting to see why these girls hated her so much. The complete lack of personality was a big negative. Anyway, she and Chase carried on a forgettable conversation, and at one point, a waiter placed down their dishes, saying, “Watch out for those red peppers. They’ll bite you!”
“YEAH!” Chase laughed back as if this waiter had just made the most searing, hilarious, and remarkable joke EVER.
“That thing about the red peppers was HILARIOUS, dude!”
The conversation then headed down a dark, mysterious path as Tessa alluded to a time when “she was sick.” Apparently, the only person she had allowed to see her during that time was Chase. What ailment did she have? Cancer? Bulimia (Candace did hint at that last week). I guess we’ll find out over the course of the season what secrets Tessa holds. Unfortunately, by then we probably won’t care very much, especially since it will have been leaked to the internet, if it hasn’t been already.
The episode wrapped up with Chase receiving a call in the restaurant, alerting him that his band desperately needed him. We didn’t know what was so urgent that required Chase’s immediate attention, but I’m thinking that maybe Nick G. had some ill-fated drum stick accident. The kind that involves a secret, Tessa-like hospital stay and a donut pillow. Just another Laguna mystery!
What did you think about the episode?