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You know, amidst all the serious drama on The Real World and the tense squabbling on Big Brother, it’s nice to sometimes sit back and take a trip to Laguna Beach. Yes, it’s that most enjoyable of seaside towns: a rarified community where gossipy teenage girls flitter around with not a care in the world. Well, I shouldn’t say that. They do have cares — like OMG is Taylor actually wearing that? And like what’s the deal with Jason like not hanging out with Jessica? Is he like gay for Cedric? Kristin! Don’t wear that eyeshadow! Fine. You’re a bitch. Stephen has to like get over himself.
You get the picture. So let’s hop onto the 405 South, get off at Laguna Canyon Road, and ride on down to the prettiest town of all: Laguna Beach!
The show opened with none other than a celebrity cameo. Why, it’s Roz from Frasier! Who knew that actress Peri Gilpin hung out with these girls? Oh wait. Upon further inspection, it turns out that Roz is just Alex, the tall, gawky sidekick of Kristin. Surprisingly, Alex/Roz had drifted from her master and was spending precious independent time with this season’s cutie-pie/whiner, Jessica. The two of them headed to the Ivy Spa to get pampered after a rough few weeks of Christmas break. Man, all that not working can be a strain on the muscles. Well, while the two had various oils and creams rubbed into their backs, they gabbed about Jessica’s boyfriend, the hairy-faced Jason. Turns out the lovebirds were having some issues — trust issues in particular. “Don’t lie to me and like call me every once in a while,” said Jessica, recalling what she had said to her man. “It’s not like I’m a psycho girlfriend either,” she then added, rationalizing her behavior. Guess what: if you’re boy is lying and barely calling you and you’re still sticking with him, well, you might just be a tad psycho.
Alex vs. Roz
After the Duffmeister finished beckoning the rain to fall down, we then learned the title of this week’s episode: “You Can’t Trust Him.” Oh no girlfriend! He’s a no-good dog! Somebody get me a Pink CD. We’re gonna rock this one out!
Anyway, the action moved into the increasingly irrelevant (and pathetic — they are in college now) storyline of LC and Stephen. The two like made breakfast and like looked at a frying pan and like laughed. Later, they sat down and totally talked and drank smoothies. OMG, it was so sweet.
We then moved to the ocean where Jason and Talan were surfing away the afternoon. I knew they were cool because some Good Charlotte-ish band played in the background. You know the type: whiny, atonal, dumb. Anyway, Alex M. and Taylor just so happened to be strolling by when they were interrupted mid-conversation — ahem, mid-fascinating-conversation — by a vicious wave. No, they weren’t pulled into the undertow, but their calves totally got wet. Anyway, the gals waved to Jason and Talan (or maybe their cameraman, I don’t know), and soon all four were babbling about Alex’s hair (it’s too light, she’s gonna dye it darker again, just so you know). Alex then invited Jason over to Morgan’s house for a poker party. Oh sweet! Nothing gets me more excited than seeing Mormon Morgan on TV. Seriously, that girl is the best. She’s the typical ugly girl who somehow sneaks into the popular clique and then acts super “Like oh my god!” to maintain her perilous station in life. What, pray tell, would she yammer on about tonight?
Well, before we got to that, it was time to check in with our favorite gravel-voiced Laguna blockhead, Kristin. She and Roz skanked it up in front of the mirror while Jessica complained in the background that Jason was lying to her. You know how it goes: blah blah blah he doesn’t call me. Blah blah blah I still love him. Blah blah blah you’re an IDIOT. SHUT UP!
(My predicted response from Jessica: “Ew! Oh my god. You’re such an ass! You don’t even know me! But seriously, did you see Jason last night? Because he hasn’t called me yet.”)
Finally, we moved onto Morgan’s lair of seduction, and wait just one Mormon-lovin’ second. Where the f*ck was Morgan? You mean to tell me there’s a new, less annoying Morgan?!?!? Well, this will not do. I demand that last season’s chatty chipmunk returns. At once!
Alas, it seems as though I’ll have to adapt to this new cast, but that’s not to say there’s any absence of cloying stupidity around. Enter Casey. This blonde-haired, pink-jacketed Miss California runner-up is sort of like the human version of a small, French poodle. And yes, just as kickable. Actually, as vapid as Casey seems to be, she at least seems sweet, unlike Kristin who’s entered that annoying next level of teenage-ness: the “Ugh, I’m so over this. I’m a senior. Whatever.” mentality. Proof positive: Kristin and her loyal pet Roz (dammit, her name’s Alex. I have to stop doing that) opted to shun NewMorgan’s poker party in lieu of heading to Dave and Buster’s with babble-monster Jessica. I didn’t really know who Dave and Buster were, but I was pretty sure they’d suck. Anyway, this little jaunt to D&B’s had a twist. Alex had to get one guy’s number. Wow, this is already very Frasier-ish. If these two wind up at a wine tasting, I’ll be convinced that Alex IS Roz.
Actually, turns out Dave and Buster’s was the name of a pool hall, and as this trio of superstars took a perch above the billiards, Kristin began her immediate appraisal of everyone around her. “You guys are such bitches,” scoffed Alex. Tell us something we don’t know. Yes, I just high-fived myself.
Meanwhile, at the poker party (where the dominant game was “Hold cards in your hand and just talk about boys”), Jason and his loyal hetero-lifemate Cedric decided to play a prank. One-upping last year’s seminal bear scare, the guys decided to dress up as burglars and freak out the girls. Unfortunately, the two bumbling jokesters quickly set off the alarm, but Morgan simply told her parents that no one was outside. This of course prompted an inane roundtable discussion of home security, led by Ms. Casey who noted, “My house has SUCH a gnarly alarm system!” Like totally! Did it come in pink? That would be so awesome. In summation, Casey concluded this thoughtful discussion by asserting, “You guys, people are scary!” It’s true though. This one time, I was watching this reality show and there was this girl with blonde hair and a pink jacket, and she kind of looked like a slutty Fraggle Rock character and– oh, that’s you, Casey.
Anyway, Jason and loverboy Cedric did a pretty solid job scaring up the girls as they smeared ketchup on the windows and made menacing, thumping noises. The girls immediately shrieked and ran around the house like alarmed gerbils, all the while alternately laughing and screaming. So either they knew it was all a joke but felt like screaming because they were stupid. Or they thought it was real but laughed anyway because they were stupid. Point being: they were stupid.
Okay, okay, maybe I’m being harsh (I’m not). Maybe they were just having some fun and playing along. Well, next thing we knew, Casey ran out of the house and declared, “We’ll fight them. I know karate.” It’s good to know that the stupid Sarah Michelle Gellar character that always gets killed actually exists in real life. Anyway, an emboldened Casey ran into the yard and executed her lethal brand of karate, which, in this case, meant she just screamed. Eventually, Jason and Cedric revealed their true identities and the girls, especially Alex M., fake-pouted around the kitchen, saying things like “I’m mad at you!” before fluttering their eyes and giggling. Hey Gloria Steinem, have I got a show for you!
Over at Dave and Buster’s, some guy desperate for camera time approached Kristin’s harpy party and said, “You guys should come and play pool with us for a little bit.” The girls shied away, most likely because the guy seemed to be about ten years older than them, but then Alex remembered her bet and awkwardly asked, “Can I get your number? Just randomly?” Well done, ROZ. This is why you’ve been on the show for two years and never been in the opening credits. Now go back to your corner!
Driving back from Dave and Buster’s (or D&B’s as the cool kids call it), somehow Kristin got over-excited in the car and wound up talking a million miles a second. This girl is a total spaz. Somebody in Laguna Beach must have a spare muzzle that we can borrow, yes? Just about the only thing that could shut up Kristin was the ongoing lamentations of Jessica, who in the backseat continued to kvetch about Jason and whether or not he was trustworthy. “He’s always like ‘Jess, like I’m not cheating on you. If you don’t believe me, then fine. That’s f*cked up, but whatever.’” To which admitted cheater Kristin replied, “That’s what I would do! That’s what I used to do.” Kristin then giggled at herself, sadly not adding, “Ahh, I’m such a slut.”
Nevertheless, Kristin actually did seem to be correct in this instance, but Jessica would have none of it. You see, Jessica is, how do you say, dumb. And as the girls kept impressing upon her that Jason was lying to her, Jess finally snapped and busted out a completely random but welcomed midwestern accent: “Like Kristen, like no offense, but you can get any guy you want — anytime, any place. You cayan. I’m sorry, you cayan. But I cayan’t! I’m a different person, but I cayan’t!” Oh ya! You betcha!
Jessica then employed some enjoyably illogical logic by saying that every guy she’s been with has treated her like shit. So now, she’s only going to break up with Jason if she has solid proof of him cheating on her. Okay, okay, okay. Let’s deconstruct this bit of ridiculousness. How does Jason’s dubious behavior (lying, not calling) not qualify as being treated badly as well? And since when does “You can’t prove that I cheated” qualify as a healthy, loving backbone to a relationship? AND WHY THE HELL AM I DECONSTRUCTING THIS? AHH!!! I’ve become one of them!!!
Anyway, speaking of Jason, the hunky dreamboat was now in Morgan’s backyard talking to Alex (the non-Roz one). The two flirtatiously talked about really nothing at all — honestly, I don’t remember one bit of their conversation beyond just “Yeah” and “Uh huh” — but I guess that’s because they were too busy eye-f*cking each other instead. Oh yeah, I said it. Unfortunately, there was no cheating, but I would highly encourage it. After all, this Alex chick seemed way cooler than the needy Mary Jo Buttafuoco that is Jessica.
We then cut to commercial, and just as we returned to the show, we caught a brief promo for MTV.com where LC engaged us in a fascinating account of how she once lost her shoes at a bonfire. Riveting.
Back in sunny Laguna, we returned to the troika of idiocy known as Kristin, Jessica, and Alex (okay, Alex doesn’t seem that dumb, and of everyone on the show, she seems to be the nicest. But she loses IQ points for hanging out with these girls). The gals all stopped into a small boutique where the cute, blonde Taylor (famous for dodging a 3 inch tsunami earlier in the episode) manned the cash register. It just so happened that Taylor and Kristin used to be friends, but somewhere along the line, they became enemies (Taylor probably realized she could find more intellectual stimulation with a pineapple). Nevertheless, the two girls were sweet and phony to each other, but then later, Kristin, who had spent the latter part of the season premiere (and season preview special) boasting about how much cliques and high school drama don’t bother her anymore, immediately went into full catty bitch mode. You see, Alex asked why all the clothes were so ugly, causing Kristin to retort, “‘Cause look who’s working here.” Yes, Kristin. I’m sure Taylor’s presence behind the cash register yielded this crop of unsightly fashions. As the girls of Laguna Beach would say, “Whatever!”
Elsewhere in The ‘Guna, the cameras caught Lo at probably the most unflattering low angle ever as she marched down LC’s stairs to her front door (not before picking a flower and squealing in her usual annoying way). She and LC shared a hug, gossiped about Stephen, and then their conversation came to an odd halt as Lo muttered the word “closer” several times. Okay, so these girls have absolutely nothing interesting to say. Moving on…
We then cut to Jason visiting Jessica in her not-enormous house (we also got to see him parallel park on the street. This show is so exciting sometimes). Anyway, Jessica grilled Jason about his night at Morgan’s rockin’ poker party. You see, sneaky Taylor, I forgot to mention, had told Jessica at the store that Jason was talking to Alex about her. So Jessica wanted to find out what Jason had said, but since she’s a glutton for drama, she didn’t simply ask, “Hey, what were you saying about me?” She instead interrogated, “So what did you and Alex talk about? What else? What else?” Jason had no idea what she was getting at, and finally sneered, “You get so mad over the stupidest things.” Yes, this is a relationship destined for great things.
Finally, the two decided to simply go to dinner (perhaps Pomodoro again? It’s a Laguna Beach fave), but before heading out, Jessica asked if they should drive together or separately. Jason said separately, and I thought he was joking, but as the credits began to roll, we saw that indeed, they were taking their own cars. But seriously guys, she doesn’t want a guy who treats her badly.
What did you think about this episode?