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Wednesday, August 3, 2005
7:26 pm
46 Comments
You know, amidst all the serious drama on The Real World and the tense squabbling on Big Brother, it’s nice to sometimes sit back and take a trip to Laguna Beach. Yes, it’s that most enjoyable of seaside towns: a rarified community where gossipy teenage girls flitter around with not a care in the world. Well, I shouldn’t say that. They do have cares — like OMG is Taylor actually wearing that? And like what’s the deal with Jason like not hanging out with Jessica? Is he like gay for Cedric? Kristin! Don’t wear that eyeshadow! Fine. You’re a bitch. Stephen has to like get over himself.
You get the picture. So let’s hop onto the 405 South, get off at Laguna Canyon Road, and ride on down to the prettiest town of all: Laguna Beach!
The show opened with none other than a celebrity cameo. Why, it’s Roz from Frasier! Who knew that actress Peri Gilpin hung out with these girls? Oh wait. Upon further inspection, it turns out that Roz is just Alex, the tall, gawky sidekick of Kristin. Surprisingly, Alex/Roz had drifted from her master and was spending precious independent time with this season’s cutie-pie/whiner, Jessica. The two of them headed to the Ivy Spa to get pampered after a rough few weeks of Christmas break. Man, all that not working can be a strain on the muscles. Well, while the two had various oils and creams rubbed into their backs, they gabbed about Jessica’s boyfriend, the hairy-faced Jason. Turns out the lovebirds were having some issues — trust issues in particular. “Don’t lie to me and like call me every once in a while,” said Jessica, recalling what she had said to her man. “It’s not like I’m a psycho girlfriend either,” she then added, rationalizing her behavior. Guess what: if you’re boy is lying and barely calling you and you’re still sticking with him, well, you might just be a tad psycho.
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Alex vs. Roz
All this gabbing was fun, but the girls soon had to flip over on their backs, thus providing the perfect excuse to cut to the Hilary Duff intro that I’m embarrassed to say I enjoy quite a bit. Hey man, people don’t respect the lost art of opening credits. Distilling a show’s essence and voice down into one thirty second clip? That’s impressive! Okay, I just realized I was being academic about Laguna Beach, so I’ll just shut up now.
After the Duffmeister finished beckoning the rain to fall down, we then learned the title of this week’s episode: “You Can’t Trust Him.” Oh no girlfriend! He’s a no-good dog! Somebody get me a Pink CD. We’re gonna rock this one out!
Anyway, the action moved into the increasingly irrelevant (and pathetic — they are in college now) storyline of LC and Stephen. The two like made breakfast and like looked at a frying pan and like laughed. Later, they sat down and totally talked and drank smoothies. OMG, it was so sweet.
We then moved to the ocean where Jason and Talan were surfing away the afternoon. I knew they were cool because some Good Charlotte-ish band played in the background. You know the type: whiny, atonal, dumb. Anyway, Alex M. and Taylor just so happened to be strolling by when they were interrupted mid-conversation — ahem, mid-fascinating-conversation — by a vicious wave. No, they weren’t pulled into the undertow, but their calves totally got wet. Anyway, the gals waved to Jason and Talan (or maybe their cameraman, I don’t know), and soon all four were babbling about Alex’s hair (it’s too light, she’s gonna dye it darker again, just so you know). Alex then invited Jason over to Morgan’s house for a poker party. Oh sweet! Nothing gets me more excited than seeing Mormon Morgan on TV. Seriously, that girl is the best. She’s the typical ugly girl who somehow sneaks into the popular clique and then acts super “Like oh my god!” to maintain her perilous station in life. What, pray tell, would she yammer on about tonight?
Well, before we got to that, it was time to check in with our favorite gravel-voiced Laguna blockhead, Kristin. She and Roz skanked it up in front of the mirror while Jessica complained in the background that Jason was lying to her. You know how it goes: blah blah blah he doesn’t call me. Blah blah blah I still love him. Blah blah blah you’re an IDIOT. SHUT UP!
(My predicted response from Jessica: “Ew! Oh my god. You’re such an ass! You don’t even know me! But seriously, did you see Jason last night? Because he hasn’t called me yet.”)
Finally, we moved onto Morgan’s lair of seduction, and wait just one Mormon-lovin’ second. Where the f*ck was Morgan? You mean to tell me there’s a new, less annoying Morgan?!?!? Well, this will not do. I demand that last season’s chatty chipmunk returns. At once!
Alas, it seems as though I’ll have to adapt to this new cast, but that’s not to say there’s any absence of cloying stupidity around. Enter Casey. This blonde-haired, pink-jacketed Miss California runner-up is sort of like the human version of a small, French poodle. And yes, just as kickable. Actually, as vapid as Casey seems to be, she at least seems sweet, unlike Kristin who’s entered that annoying next level of teenage-ness: the “Ugh, I’m so over this. I’m a senior. Whatever.” mentality. Proof positive: Kristin and her loyal pet Roz (dammit, her name’s Alex. I have to stop doing that) opted to shun NewMorgan’s poker party in lieu of heading to Dave and Buster’s with babble-monster Jessica. I didn’t really know who Dave and Buster were, but I was pretty sure they’d suck. Anyway, this little jaunt to D&B’s had a twist. Alex had to get one guy’s number. Wow, this is already very Frasier-ish. If these two wind up at a wine tasting, I’ll be convinced that Alex IS Roz.
Actually, turns out Dave and Buster’s was the name of a pool hall, and as this trio of superstars took a perch above the billiards, Kristin began her immediate appraisal of everyone around her. “You guys are such bitches,” scoffed Alex. Tell us something we don’t know. Yes, I just high-fived myself.
Meanwhile, at the poker party (where the dominant game was “Hold cards in your hand and just talk about boys”), Jason and his loyal hetero-lifemate Cedric decided to play a prank. One-upping last year’s seminal bear scare, the guys decided to dress up as burglars and freak out the girls. Unfortunately, the two bumbling jokesters quickly set off the alarm, but Morgan simply told her parents that no one was outside. This of course prompted an inane roundtable discussion of home security, led by Ms. Casey who noted, “My house has SUCH a gnarly alarm system!” Like totally! Did it come in pink? That would be so awesome. In summation, Casey concluded this thoughtful discussion by asserting, “You guys, people are scary!” It’s true though. This one time, I was watching this reality show and there was this girl with blonde hair and a pink jacket, and she kind of looked like a slutty Fraggle Rock character and– oh, that’s you, Casey.
Too soon?
Anyway, Jason and loverboy Cedric did a pretty solid job scaring up the girls as they smeared ketchup on the windows and made menacing, thumping noises. The girls immediately shrieked and ran around the house like alarmed gerbils, all the while alternately laughing and screaming. So either they knew it was all a joke but felt like screaming because they were stupid. Or they thought it was real but laughed anyway because they were stupid. Point being: they were stupid.
Okay, okay, maybe I’m being harsh (I’m not). Maybe they were just having some fun and playing along. Well, next thing we knew, Casey ran out of the house and declared, “We’ll fight them. I know karate.” It’s good to know that the stupid Sarah Michelle Gellar character that always gets killed actually exists in real life. Anyway, an emboldened Casey ran into the yard and executed her lethal brand of karate, which, in this case, meant she just screamed. Eventually, Jason and Cedric revealed their true identities and the girls, especially Alex M., fake-pouted around the kitchen, saying things like “I’m mad at you!” before fluttering their eyes and giggling. Hey Gloria Steinem, have I got a show for you!
Over at Dave and Buster’s, some guy desperate for camera time approached Kristin’s harpy party and said, “You guys should come and play pool with us for a little bit.” The girls shied away, most likely because the guy seemed to be about ten years older than them, but then Alex remembered her bet and awkwardly asked, “Can I get your number? Just randomly?” Well done, ROZ. This is why you’ve been on the show for two years and never been in the opening credits. Now go back to your corner!
Driving back from Dave and Buster’s (or D&B’s as the cool kids call it), somehow Kristin got over-excited in the car and wound up talking a million miles a second. This girl is a total spaz. Somebody in Laguna Beach must have a spare muzzle that we can borrow, yes? Just about the only thing that could shut up Kristin was the ongoing lamentations of Jessica, who in the backseat continued to kvetch about Jason and whether or not he was trustworthy. “He’s always like ‘Jess, like I’m not cheating on you. If you don’t believe me, then fine. That’s f*cked up, but whatever.’” To which admitted cheater Kristin replied, “That’s what I would do! That’s what I used to do.” Kristin then giggled at herself, sadly not adding, “Ahh, I’m such a slut.”
Nevertheless, Kristin actually did seem to be correct in this instance, but Jessica would have none of it. You see, Jessica is, how do you say, dumb. And as the girls kept impressing upon her that Jason was lying to her, Jess finally snapped and busted out a completely random but welcomed midwestern accent: “Like Kristen, like no offense, but you can get any guy you want — anytime, any place. You cayan. I’m sorry, you cayan. But I cayan’t! I’m a different person, but I cayan’t!” Oh ya! You betcha!
Jessica then employed some enjoyably illogical logic by saying that every guy she’s been with has treated her like shit. So now, she’s only going to break up with Jason if she has solid proof of him cheating on her. Okay, okay, okay. Let’s deconstruct this bit of ridiculousness. How does Jason’s dubious behavior (lying, not calling) not qualify as being treated badly as well? And since when does “You can’t prove that I cheated” qualify as a healthy, loving backbone to a relationship? AND WHY THE HELL AM I DECONSTRUCTING THIS? AHH!!! I’ve become one of them!!!
Anyway, speaking of Jason, the hunky dreamboat was now in Morgan’s backyard talking to Alex (the non-Roz one). The two flirtatiously talked about really nothing at all — honestly, I don’t remember one bit of their conversation beyond just “Yeah” and “Uh huh” — but I guess that’s because they were too busy eye-f*cking each other instead. Oh yeah, I said it. Unfortunately, there was no cheating, but I would highly encourage it. After all, this Alex chick seemed way cooler than the needy Mary Jo Buttafuoco that is Jessica.
We then cut to commercial, and just as we returned to the show, we caught a brief promo for MTV.com where LC engaged us in a fascinating account of how she once lost her shoes at a bonfire. Riveting.
Back in sunny Laguna, we returned to the troika of idiocy known as Kristin, Jessica, and Alex (okay, Alex doesn’t seem that dumb, and of everyone on the show, she seems to be the nicest. But she loses IQ points for hanging out with these girls). The gals all stopped into a small boutique where the cute, blonde Taylor (famous for dodging a 3 inch tsunami earlier in the episode) manned the cash register. It just so happened that Taylor and Kristin used to be friends, but somewhere along the line, they became enemies (Taylor probably realized she could find more intellectual stimulation with a pineapple). Nevertheless, the two girls were sweet and phony to each other, but then later, Kristin, who had spent the latter part of the season premiere (and season preview special) boasting about how much cliques and high school drama don’t bother her anymore, immediately went into full catty bitch mode. You see, Alex asked why all the clothes were so ugly, causing Kristin to retort, “‘Cause look who’s working here.” Yes, Kristin. I’m sure Taylor’s presence behind the cash register yielded this crop of unsightly fashions. As the girls of Laguna Beach would say, “Whatever!”
Elsewhere in The ‘Guna, the cameras caught Lo at probably the most unflattering low angle ever as she marched down LC’s stairs to her front door (not before picking a flower and squealing in her usual annoying way). She and LC shared a hug, gossiped about Stephen, and then their conversation came to an odd halt as Lo muttered the word “closer” several times. Okay, so these girls have absolutely nothing interesting to say. Moving on…
We then cut to Jason visiting Jessica in her not-enormous house (we also got to see him parallel park on the street. This show is so exciting sometimes). Anyway, Jessica grilled Jason about his night at Morgan’s rockin’ poker party. You see, sneaky Taylor, I forgot to mention, had told Jessica at the store that Jason was talking to Alex about her. So Jessica wanted to find out what Jason had said, but since she’s a glutton for drama, she didn’t simply ask, “Hey, what were you saying about me?” She instead interrogated, “So what did you and Alex talk about? What else? What else?” Jason had no idea what she was getting at, and finally sneered, “You get so mad over the stupidest things.” Yes, this is a relationship destined for great things.
Finally, the two decided to simply go to dinner (perhaps Pomodoro again? It’s a Laguna Beach fave), but before heading out, Jessica asked if they should drive together or separately. Jason said separately, and I thought he was joking, but as the credits began to roll, we saw that indeed, they were taking their own cars. But seriously guys, she doesn’t want a guy who treats her badly.
What did you think about this episode?
TV Social
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46 Comments
You have nailed this commentary. Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in months. I like, totally agree with everything you said.
B-Side -
Did I remember to tell you I love you today?
I’m not even finished reading the LB recap, and I can’t stop laughing. You have perfectly captured LB in all of its glorious idiodacy!
Bless you.
P.S.:
If you don’t stop calling that girl Roz from Frasier, I think my face will crack from laughing.
OMG, right back at ya! I totally love this show beyond death! Squeal! I mean, if you’re going to be horny and stupid, go to the O.C. Don’t tarnish Austin. Anyway…
(pause – I forgot to make a cocktail and I need one after reading this recap)
3 minutes later….
Oh, that’s better. Like O.K., you have totally slayed me TVGasm. I have wanted a Laguna Beach recap so bad from somebody other than my 19 year old niece.
Anyway, your recap is the total best. What I like best personally (and I’m not lying, swear on James’ Bible) is that about 80% of the population of the real Laguna Beach is gay, but they’ve edited them out of the show!! OMG! Squeal! How’d they do that? Do these kids really live there or are they bused in from Newport Beach to film this show?
Oh yeah, there is that one gay guy, who shows up from time to time. He’s Kristen’s friend, and he’s like totally cute and a bitch just like her. I think he showed up in the first episode again. So despite her flaws, I totally love Kristin, because she’s an 18 year old fag hag, and a proud slut, and I didn’t even know there were gay people or sluts when I was 18. So Kristin is really cool.
And Steven, you gotta love him. He’s a total cad! ditto Squeal! (LC, kill her in a tragic accident on PCH, and fast). OMG, he’s going back to SF after Xmas break. Will he quit school or flunk out like LC did, just to stay around? Tune in.
And not only is Morgan like totally confusing (she looks like the one from last year, only stretched on a rack and liposuctioned). But, OMG, there are two Alex’s, and I can’t tell one from the other! I hate that!
Anyway, I can’t wait for more. Love you TVGasm. Mean it. Double Squeal. xoxo. Please, return with these recaps.
thank you so much for the re cap. i am completely obsessed with guna. i watch it ever time it airs…even at work! I don’t know how i feel about the new cast..morgan and christina were m number one faves. what do you think about gawker posting lo’s personal photo album? and the real names?
How the fuck can this show still be on the air? It’s the worst thing I think to ever happen to reality tv (and that’s pretty low!! Even worst that Meet Mister Mom!)
Hillarious commentary because really, what is NOT in this show that can’t be ridiculed. These hacks at MTV who created this thing are worthless.
Casey looks and sounds just like Miss Howard Stern, Andrea. And I don’t see any resemblance between Alex/Roz. Otherwise, great summary. More exciting than the actual epsiode.
I totally hate this show, tried to give it another shot this week and still hated it. but did anyone see hte commerial during Laguna beach for that new fx show, something about living in Philly? It looked really funny.
I LOVE YOU B-SIDE!!! thank you, thank you, thank you!
and the “Too Soon?”, perfect timing in my book!
it’s never too soon.
i love laguna beach please keep recapping! Stephen and LC need to hook up!
Thanks B-side for the recap!
I’m obsessed with this show! I know it’s worthless, but I can’t help it. Please keep doing the recaps…you’re a genius!
does no one care about lo’s photo album? can anyone do any digging and find out what the deal with the fake names is?
yeah, no one cares, mary. sorry. and according to gawker, it’s fake anyway – as well as some of this show:
http://www.gawker.com/news/mtv/laguna-beach-and-the-meaning-of-life-115673.php
Fake names? Are they all using fake names? If so, the people at MTV should be fired, naming two girls Alex that look alike.
Will you marry me?
Brilliant wrap up.
um, I bought the dvd. im obsessed for some unknown reason.
mary, thanks for writing in about the thing on gawker… i am curious too. (sorry rhm- i care.) i do agree that it would be strange to have people with the same names if the names are made up, but who knows. in lo’s album lc seems to be named kaley and morgan seems to be called chris- any truth to this?
I wanna thank you too B-Side for doing this hilarious write-up. I, for some odd reason, like the show a lot. It seems so fake at times, but I’m just so into it. How cute is Stephen… I wanna eat him up. Forget LC and slutty Kristin… He’s too good for them. And what’s with Kristin practically bragging about being a cheater? How sad is that. As for Jessica, she’ll learn that looks aren’t everything one day.
leah3t– do you mean ” it’s always sunny in philadelphia”? that looks HILARIOUS..i can’t wait till it premiers on FX along with “starved”
bside– brilliant commentary, as usual.
that picture comparison between casey and terri schiavo made me both laugh out loud and feel extremely unocofortable at the same time..keep up the good work
somebody- that’s the show i mean! it looks great.
“You’re not gay! you’re just really vain!”
gotta see it
Gawker’s expose’ of Lo’s photo album turned out to be wrong, and they retracted it. An An MTV insider told Gawker the cast does in fact use their real names, and that the photo album is fake – it doesn’t belong to Lo – they claim it’s photoshopped, but a lot of work went into that thing – maybe some close friend posted it as a prank. Gawker also got bitch-slapped by “Reality Blurred” (see TVGasm post re same) for reporting “breaking” news that was about a year old re the filming of the show, etc.
I love Laguna Beach…it’s one of those guilty pleasures I have. I know for the 30 min (20 min. w/ commercials) it’ll give me a good laugh & it’s something for me & my co-workers to gab about the next day at work. I’m loving “Blow Out” on Bravo too that show is so hilarious I sometimes almost pee my pants,lol. Thanks for the recab of L.B too funny made my day ten times better
wow, i seriously feel that much dumber for even attempting to read ur summary of the show.
how can people watch this extreme crap
What? Lo’s photo album was fake? The drunken pics almost looked too mundane to be photoshopped. The last time I was this disappointed was when I found out that Michael Jackson doesn’t really own the Elephant Man’s bones. Keep up the recaps AND pictures!!
This show is tite and if you think its gay Forget you And you know you wish you could be like us Well anyways Lauren (LC) and I were looking up stuff about our show and I guess some of you guys like it and Some of you dont well if you think this show is retarted you know you wish you could be like us and do you think you could make a better one then us? I bet you couldnt and this show is not fake so Lay off well got to go Im taking her out to eat AND YES THIS IS THE REAL ME later guys.
Hey “Steven Off Laguna Beach”. Um, you spelled your name wrong.
FYI – it’s “Stephen”.
It’s not the two Alex’s that look alike. One Alex (Kristen’s friend) sort of looks like one Morgan (the one who had the poker party) and the other Alex (Jason’s new interest) looks like Morgan from last season (was she the one who went away to college?). It’s very confusing. And then there is a girl named Taylor. And a girl named Casey. Does every girl have a unisex/boy’s name? At least we have L.C. and Lo…okay, maybe that’s no better.
Hey Hess1223 – OMG I love Blowout too! I thought I was the only one. Jonathan is so funny and doesn’t even realize it. My sister and I got so excited when we saw his product at Sephora… we’re goofballs. Back to Laguna; Stephen is sofa king hot!
HAHA I just checked out Lo’s photos. Man, that guy shes with in all the pictures is scarrrry! Ease up on that black eyeliner…
Supposedly she doesnt know how someone got her pictures and she’s not the one who wrote all the comments on each one.
those are def real photos….what is up with the ones of kristin and lc hugging??
OMG i love ur show, it awsome I hope Stephen get hook up with lc. Kristen Back off bitch. I LOVE U LC AND LO GO GURLS. from Ur Gurl PAOLA
uugh..i can’t stand LC! she is and has always been SO hung up on stephen, even when he dated kristin (btw, i thought it was kind of sweet when he cried to kristen at lo’s party–or someone else, i don’t remember)! she needs sto finde herself a new man..stephen’s not THAT good looking anyways!
Um, anybody see the premiere when Jason took Jessica out to dinner…where we didn’t really see any conversation other than him COMMANDING her not to put her hair up. HOW CONTROLLING…yeah he doesn’t beat her…and shame on her for doing exactly what he says…
ps. loved the eyefu*king…no better phrase to describe it!
ps…yeah still too soon for the terry shivo thing…for me anyway…i don’t think that will ever be funny
great commentary. honestly, i don’t know what’s sadder, the fact that we all watch this show, or that we all feel the need to discuss it so on depth. carry on…
Jason is the hottest guy i’ve ever seen! I love this show… because of him… don’t get me wrong, the rest of the cast is wicked awesome too!
BTW… we need to see more pictures of Jason!
This is the funniest thing that i have ever read in my whole life keep it up!!!
Alright I’m confused, why did they take separate cars?
Hey “Steven”, were you drunk when you wrote that? Are the cameras with them 24/7 like Real World”? I wonder if they do drugs. I feel like you would have to to live there and interact with those people.
Great recap! I can’t wait to read the next episode’s commentary.
LMFAO that was a very funny summary of the episode! I love that Taylor is famous for surviving the 3 inch tsunami! hahaha HALARIOUS. Jessica is so gay! f*cking break up with Jason…duh loser! I actually give Jason props for being able to do what he does without getting caught…then again, thats just because he has an IDIOT girlfriend.
i love how you make fun of kristin and her voice i agree with you.. this has to be one of the funniest things i have ever read in a long time
why is kristin a “blockhead?” is it because her face is big and square? just wondering.
Hey the photos that you had compared with other photos of people and the ones from laguna beach(casey)that was kind of funny I thought that it was sad when that lady died though she was a nice lady.
I dont understand why Kristen hates Casey I mean she is a Nice girl.
Kristen always says in Season 2 that she has matured and moved on with her life well she has to still make a scene when she goes where stephen goes and gets a txt message from anybody she always had to go crazy and yell out what it had to say when stephen wasnt looking!!
Also who doesnt like stephen
Casey totally is Miss Howard Stern, Andrea!! lol.
this recap is so effing funny. omg.
lmao
Boy, TVgasm pegged everything to a ‘t.’ These teens are so vapid and bitchy that they epitomize everything the Europeans hate about the US. Plus, Kristen is the meanest, self-absorbed BIATCH ever to hit planet earth. Someone needs to administer an open-handed smack across the mouths of the entire cast.