Like OMG! What’s Up With Jason’s Beard?

You know what’s really funny about Laguna Beach? Nothing ever happens. I mean, sure, there’s a lot of talking and flirting and squabbling, but basically, we’re still pretty much where we were three episodes ago. Not that that’s a bad thing. We’ve gotten so used to the pre-fab reality stars of The Real World that we simply expect confrontation and resolution nearly every fifteen minutes. But this isn’t the real world. It’s the real Orange County. Big difference.The episode began with the standard “Previously, on Laguna Beach,” but like OMG! Whoever read that line was like totally above thirty! Yeah, that’s right. Above thirty. I rewound my Tivo like ten times and EW! It was some nasty older woman. Gross! Isn’t this MTV, not PBS?

Actually, I don’t know who read that opening line, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was one of the Laguna moms, eager to have her imprint on pop culture. Let’s not forget Taylor’s mother who probably would have worn a 1982 cheerleading uniform if it meant getting on camera.

Anyway, after our little recap, we met up with Kristin hangin’ out in Alex H.’s bedroom. The two seemed to be mid-gab when suddenly the phone rang. Sure enough, it was Talan calling to say hi to Kristin. Oh, but because he’s a gentleman, he actually said hi to Alex too. Wow, I think that’s the first time that anyone except Kristin and Jessica even acknowledged Alex’s presence. Anyway, Talan then returned his focus to Kristin, saying that they had to meet up because “We got a lot to talk about.” Man, could this scene BE any more Frasier? Kristin’s fielding needy phone calls while Alex — a.k.a. ROZ — sits in the background and watches from the producer’s booth that is her bed. But I digress. Talan had a lot to talk about, let’s not forget. He then added, “There’s a lot on my mind.” Yeah, you know, surfing, buzz cuts, bubbles, shiny things. Just stuff in general.

Kristin set a time to meet Talan for dinner, and after she hung up, Alex H. smiled and said, “I think he likes you.” Way to figure that out, ROZ! Maybe Dr. Crane should move on over! Just take over the call-in show, why don’t you???

Well, Roz’s stunning observation led to H. Duff singing her way through the opening credits, and then we were back. Tonight’s episode title: “More Than Friends.” And appropriately enough, the very first people we saw were Jason surfing with his man-lover, Cedric. More than friends indeed! Oh, but raining on this sexually charged parade was Talan, who filled out this trio of lusty surfers. While the guys caught some waves, the mischievous triad of Morgan S., Alex M., and Taylor No-Initial suddenly appeared carrying large boxes of…something. I couldn’t really tell. Moments later, however, I discovered that it was Saran Wrap. Oh. Okay. Kind of reminds me of my high school days of toting oversized boxes of aluminum foil around town. Man, those were some crazy times. This once, my friend Greg even found a box of wax paper. I can’t begin to tell you how awesome that was.

Actually, the girls did have a Saran cause. They were gonna prank the guys by wrapping their SUV in plastic — because nothing says HILARious like treating a car like a bowl of potato salad. To be fair, however, the girls then sprayed the Saran wrapped car with silly string, and finally, I had to concede that this was a nicely executed prank. Eventually the guys returned from their mid-afternoon surf orgy, and Cedric immediately pieced together what was going on. “Is this from that night when we put blood on their windows and stuff?” he asked as if it was like no big deal to have blood on your windows. Well, the answer must have been a yes because the girls came running out of nowhere, spraying their Silly String as if it were some new, wacky version of Mace. Jason and Talan easily avoided the gunk, but like a true sidekick taking a bullet for his master, Cedric wound up bearing the brunt of this silly attack. Oddly enough, he then turned to Jason and said, “All this Silly String. I guess I’ll have to take a shower now.” Then he licked his finger and touched his nipple, whispering, “Care to join, big boy?”

Okay, that didn’t happen, and I apologize for the image. Let’s just move on. Over at the Koffee Klatch (an establishment perilously one “K” away from the best racist brews in Laguna), the holy tribunal of Kristin, Jessica, and Roz babbled over coffee. I’m sorry, I meant Koffee. Jessica droned on as usual about Jason, saying that she still has yet to find any evidence that he’s ever cheated on her. Yeah, she needs real empirical data. None of this anecdotal, everyone-in-school-knows bullshit that people keep thrusting on her. Basically, the only way Jess will ever believe that Jason has been unfaithful will be if he actually bangs a girl within three feet of her, and even then it might not be beyond reasonable doubt.

Elsewhere in Laguna, Alex M. decided that she wanted to hang out with Jason. Uh oh. One plate of petty drama, coming right up. Actually, I’d be perfectly happy if Alex snagged Jason, if only to shut up that stupid Jessica twit. Speaking of which, we then returned to Jess and Alex H. who were now driving in a car, talking about Jason. “Whenever Jason’s around–” started Jessica before Roz interrupted and said, “He gets all tense!” This led to an OMG I KNOW! moment as Jessica squealed, “He’s so AWKWARD! And it’s like so frustrating ’cause I’m like dude, lighten– He like won’t touch me. Like god forbid he like even gives me a hug. It’s like soooo frustrating.” Uh, Jessica, you realize that your boyfriend doesn’t actually like you, right? That might clear up some of your confusion.

Well, the girls arrived at a restaurant where they joined a group of friends and wouldn’t you know it? Roz was holding court at the table without Kristin! Sidekick independence! This could lead to very bad things. Let’s not forget season one of Sorority Life when Jordan’s sidekick Amanda left her master and befriended Candace. Bitchiness had never been so wonderful.

Anyway, also eating at the table was Casey, who looked less like Terri Schiavo this week and more like the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Jabba the Hut. Everyone seemed to be having fun – that is, until Jason showed up. When Jessica alerted him that he’d be sitting next to her and not Cedric, Jason looked crushed and betrayed. In fact — and I am not making this up — the two guys shared a look of confusion and longing as Jessica awkwardly sat in between them. I suppose this was like the teeny-bopper version of Far From Heaven.

Jason and Cedric: a love that dare not speak its name.

With the homoerotic tension filling the air, no one at the table dared speak until finally Casey flapped her hands around and asked, “Why is this so awkward? Can we make this fun?” Oooh! I have an idea! Let’s throw Casey through a window! That’ll make it fun! Sensing that she and her boyfriend were the source of the awkwardness, Jessica pulled Jason outside to have a talk. I could sit here and describe it, but it was so nonsensical and devoid of logic that it bordered on the surreal.

Jessica: Why are you acting like this?
Jason: You know exactly what it’s over.
Jessica: No, I don’t know what it’s over. If I did, then I wouldn’t be asking you right now. ‘Cause I sat next to Cedric?
Jason: No, not even.
Jessica: Then what is this over?
Jason: It’s the way you’re acting.
Jessica: How am I acting?


(long pause)

Jason: You tell me.
Jessica: If I knew how I was acting, I wouldn’t be asking right now. How am I acting?
Jason: You’re acting fine.

And then suddenly they were kissing. Yup, made no sense. Well, actually, the kissing at the end did sort of make sense. You see, Jessica’s the sort of girl who could be pissed off at a boy for any number of reasons, but if he distracts her with something romantic, she’ll shut up. And Jason’s the sort of guy who knows he can silence Jessica by planting a big one on her. Plus, he’s gay for Cedric. So you see, it all works out perfectly.

Meanwhile, on Kristin and Talan’s date, similar idiocy was going down. “What’s up with you and Taylor?” asked Kristin, causing a confused Talan to reply, “Me and Taylor?” You know, the girl you said you compare every other girl to? Just last week? Yeah, her. Well, Talan acted as if he hardly knew who this strange Taylor girl was and then took a stroll down memory lane as he reminisced about the first time he and Kristin hooked up sophomore year. It felt just like six months ago, he said. Yeah, wait ’til you’re in your twenties watching kids like you on MTV. Then you’ll really feel old.

Well, we went to commercial, and when we returned, Talan was getting advice from his friend JP. “This is how I feel about Kristin,” JP started. Hey, who the hell are you? We don’t care about how you feel about Kristin. SILENCE!

Speaking of our favorite Laguna bitch, she was at home, leafing through old photos. Bounding in like a lost puppy who’d finally found its master, Roz happily returned to Kristin’s side, and man, did she look worse for wear. Roz had gone a little buck-wild on the makeup and now looked like Peri Gilpin after a Madonna concert. Do you see what happens when sidekicks get independence? They lose control!

Meanwhile, the other Alex was busy devising a plan with Casey to ensnare Jason. The two were going to have dinner with Cedric and Jason (honestly, you don’t get one without the other), and at the right moment, Casey would pretend like she’d left something in the car. She’d then take Cedric with her, leaving Alex M. and Jason alone. Even better, Casey would then float the idea by Cedric that Alex kind of likes Jason. Sounds like a promising scheme. One flaw though: Cedric’s never gonna tell Jason that Alex is interested in him. No, not because he respects Jessica. He just knows Alex would be a much more challenging beard.

Okay, so show time. Cedric and Jason picked up the two girls for dinner, and amusingly enough, this was cross-cut with footage of Jessica calling Jason and only getting his voicemail. Granted, this could have been on a completely different night and time, but I still liked the idea of Jessica getting the cold shoulder. Man, when will he dump this bitch already?

Well, everything was going perfectly. Casey took “Ced” back to the car to get her cell phone, leaving Alex and Jason to make awkward, flirtatious conversation. Jason looked a bit scared without his precious boy-toy by his side, but I’m not sure if that was because he was nervous to be alone with Alex or simply jealous that Casey might make a move on Ced. Anyway, Alex M. struck up some strained conversation by asking if Jason had had a family party the night before. She had seen cars out front of his house, you see. “I drove past because I was going towards the park like over by there,” she explained, causing Jason to ask, “What were you doing over there?” Uh… stalkin’?

Speaking of stalkers, Jessica called in again. HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU! STOP CALLING!

The next day, Taylor inexplicably showed up at Morgan S.’s house for breakfast, and the two discussed their friend Alex (non-Roz) and her poaching of Jason. “I can just see this escalating into drama,” predicted Morgan S. No shit, Sherlock. Speaking of drama, Morgan S. was only too happy to stir the pot by telling Taylor that Kristin’s car was right outside of Talan’s house. Hey, what’s up with all the driveway stalking? I think there should be an episode that only focuses on the kids driving by each other’s houses and creating gossip.

We then moved over to Jessica’s house where a reunited Kristin and Roz came over to visit their drama queen friend. “We just got Sidekicks,” announced Kristin. Wow. I can’t believe she just referred to Roz in such an objectifying way. Oh wait, she was talking about T-Mobile Sidekicks. Makes much more sense.

Anyway, Jessica immediately started up with her latest drama which was basically that Jason had stood her up the night before. Oh excellent! When he went on that pseudo-double date with Alex and Casey, I had no idea he was actually bailing on Jessica. Fantastic. Well, Jessica bitched and moaned about it, causing Kristin to ask, “Why don’t you do something about it, Jess?” Uh, because clearly her father didn’t dote on her enough when she was younger and so now she must create dramas in order to receive the attention craves so much. CLEARLY. Man, you know what really sucks about Jessica? She actually makes Kristin seems smart and logical.

Well, Kristin and Roz hounded Jess for being dumb and too loyal to her boyfriend, causing Jessica to retort, “So how about your dinner with Talan?” Hey, don’t change the topic. You’re the one who brought this whole thing up, you stupid bimbo. Kristin laughed at Jessica’s tactics and said, “Yeah, let’s forget about Jason!” but of course, since this was Kristin, she really did forget about Jason and launched into discussion about herself. God, these girls amaze me.

The show came to an end with Talan and Taylor (or, Taylan) having a heart to heart on the beach. This conversation made even less sense than Jason and Jessica’s, but I just didn’t have the patience or stamina to transcribe it all. Taylor basically asked him what the hell he wanted, and he replied with a steady stream of infuriating bullshit. Eventually, we got to the root of the issue which was that Taylor had been acting like a flirt, and Talan basically had some blue balls. I mean, they didn’t articulate it like that, but anyone reading between the lines could figure it out. By the end of their talk, I couldn’t tell if things had been resolved or improved (like every other conversation on this show), but the two at least seemed happy, and isn’t that all that matters?

Can’t wait for next week when Alex M. asks Jason to a formal. Smell ya later, Jessica!