On Monday night, MTV aired the second-to-last episode of Laguna Beach, which meant it was one of the final chances to see our favorite high schoolers muse on such hallowed subjects as fidelity, loyalty, and of course, bruschetta. Sigh. Coming off last week’s drama-filled installment of the ‘Guna, this latest show was a bit, uh, lackluster, but that’s not to say it was any less amusing. After all, everyone was atwitter in the wake of JasonGate 2005. This was like bigger than the landslide! I’m only sorry that my jury duty kept me away for so long!As the show opened, we were once again shocked to see that Kristin, Alex H. and Jessica were nowhere to be found. Instead, we were treated to a different trio as LC sat around with loyal sidekicks Dieter (or the D-Man as I like to call him) and Jen, who lately seems to look like the bizarre love child of Ashlee Simpson and the color orange. With everyone heading off to college (READ: moving to Los Angeles to pursue acting careers and various traffic incidents with Paris Hilton), LC felt it would be important to throw yet another party to celebrate the end of summer, and quite possibly their fourteenth minute of fame. But what would the party be like? LC already threw a killer pool party a few weeks ago. Man, this is tough. Wait! Dieter has an idea!
“You know what my dream of the night would be?” he asked. I don’t know what your dream of the night would be, but DO TELL!
“I want everyone here, we’ll get a bunch of cool food and like–” Dieter started before LC suddenly blurted out, “No, no. This is what it’s going to be.” Hey, you just interrupted Dieter’s DREAM NIGHT! Show some respect, bitch. Ah, but it was too late. LC had the floor: “We’re all gonna get dressed up.” Yay! It’s like the Black & White party, but less confusing! Keep in mind that “dressing up” for the Laguna kids means wearing a t-shirt with one tacky pattern, not three.
Of course, any good party depends on the guest list, and when Dieter joked that LC should invite Jessica and Jason, she immediately balked, “Are you insane? Why would I ever invite that girl?” Uh, something I like to call “ratings.” But then Dieter suggested that LC should invite Kristin because allegedly, she’s “mellowed out” a lot. “Whatever, I’m so over it,” LC replied, indicating she was willing to bury the hatchet. “We’re gonna be living in the same town. L.A. is such a small town,” she added. You know, technically, you’ve been living in the same town already. And I’d like to wager that Laguna Beach really is a small town. But that’s okay, LC. You can’t be on top of your game all the time. You probably lost a few brain cells from that time when Jen used bronzer instead of frosting on those cupcakes. Okay, that never happened; although, I’m sure Jen would incorporate bronzer into every meal if it were edible — assuming she eats.
After the credits, we saw this week’s ominous episode title: “Nothing more to say.” I would assume that’s in reference to Jason, but considering he’s never had anything to say in the first place, I’ll just let it slide. And speaking of Jason, we found our Casanova wunderkind licking his wounds in the deep recesses of Talan’s garden (and no, that was not a euphemism for gay sex). The newly-single guy was firmly ensconced in a deck chair when Talan appeared by his side carrying a dainty tray of pastries and baked goods from the hearth of one Charlene Torriero. “Gucci! What are these?” asked Jason. Not really sure what he meant by “Gucci,” and honestly, with all the mumbling and bird tweeting, I’m not even positive he even said “Gucci.” Sometimes my Jason-to-English translation capacity just isn’t expansive enough. So standard.
Nevertheless, with tasty treats consumed and enjoyed by all, it was time for Talan to don his Dr. Phil hat and cure Jason of all the heartache and woes that plagued his hirsute noggin. “You lost the love of your life,” said a jokey Talan with his usual sly smile.
“Dude, it sucks ’cause like I really liked her. And like it wasn’t supposed to happen like that. Like, I wanted to f*ckin’ marry the chick,” said Jason, clearly in a world of hurt. Or actually, more like a world of haze and bubble letters, but that’s besides the point. Luckily, Dr. Talan had the prescription for romantic resolution. He suggested that Jason call up LC and say, “Look LC, I need you to talk to me, but I need to literally sit down and have a person-to-person conversation, but you need to talk to me. I’ll meet you anywhere, anytime, but I want to talk to you.” This was then followed by Jason giving his patented blank stare. Looks like Talan overloaded the system. Too… many… words…
Elsewhere in The ‘Guna, Kristin and her typical posse of Jessica and Roz (or Alex H. — I call her Roz because I think she looks like Roz from Frasier) cavorted on the beach, once again providing the ultimate nexus of Laguna icons: gossip and sunshine. The hot topic of the day was of course Jessica’s scandalous smooch with Jason, an act that caused the normally reserved Roz to shove her friend and snap, “I can’t believe you kissed Jason!” This unsurprisingly led to a litany of self-deluded comments from Jessica, culminating in “It’s not like I went and pursued him.” She then added, “I never seek him out. I mean, yeah, I attached a GPS device under his skin so I could monitor his every move, but whatever. That’s hardly pursuing. I like to think of it more as Friendship Control.” And with that, a beeper went off in Jessica’s purse, causing her to yell, “HE’S LEFT WAHOO’S FISH TACOS! UPDATE THE LOG! UPDATE THE LOG!”
Meanwhile, over at Taylor’s house (or was it Alex’s? Or Morgan’s? Sorry, I don’t keep an eagle eye on the boring group — or BlandCamp, as I now officially term them) — anyway, where was I? Oh yes, so Morgan, Taylor, and Alex M. all got together and did what they do best: linger in a kitchen and make mildly bitter, mildly interesting, and mildly spacey comments about the world around them. And in this case, the world around them was LC’s party. Basically, they were excited for it. And that’s about it. Another great visit with the gals!
Speaking of the big bash, we then returned to Lauren Conrad as she set up her catered party and nearly lit herself on fire in the process. Now THAT would have been an episode. Eventually, her crew filed in, starting with the prodigal sidekick Lo. You’d think Lo’s return would be greeted with similar pomp and circumstance as earlier in the season, but apparently, with the tag-team sidekick duo of Heidi and Jen in place, Lo’s relevance to the Laguna community has been understandably diminished. Maybe that’s why she dropped her typical Cali-teenybopper stylings for the more matronly 1974-Candace-Bergin look. Nevertheless, Lo was soon followed by all sorts of people like dearest Cedric as well as Talan, Dieter, and of course, Stephen, who kicked things off by declaring, “The Pahhty has arrived!” Also arriving: awkward beeps, whistles, and purrs. Yes, it only took about three seconds before Stephen unleashed his usual cavalry of R2D2 sounds as he whirred some high-pitched noise upon sitting down next to LC. I think it’s time for Stephen to visit the local Tourette’s specialist.
Well, this party may have been all nice and pleasant, but it didn’t kick into high gear until the dainty catering arrived. And like me, Cedric was first at the buffet table. Wow, he was really starving. Doesn’t Jason feed him? As famished as he may have been, Ceddy still showed some class as he let hostess LC pluck some skewers off the table ahead of him. “Oh, you go first, love,” he said, quietly assuming his normal role in life: #2.
Soon the air was filled with accolades directed at LC. “Lauren, what a great party! Thank you!” lauded one skewer-happy guest.
“I love your bruschetta!” said someone else, possibly Talan. How did this show suddenly turn into the last two minutes of Everyday Italian?
With everyone loosened up by the intoxicating spell of delicious bruschetta (not to mention the mysterious liquid in their red, plastic cups), conversation began to flow freely, and soon everyone was babbling about everything. Alex congratulated Talan on his epic band performance at the landslide benefit while Taylor had a small powwow with LC about that dawg, Jason. “Boys suck,” declared LC, one step closer to the wonderful world of the Indigo Girls.
Meanwhile, huddled on a bed and doing nothing in particular were Kristin, Roz, and Jessica. Debate was in the air as the girls wondered whether or not Kristin should actually accept LC’s invitation and drop by the party. It seemed as though she was going to pass on the whole affair, but we could all see Roz had a hankering to go; so the girls — minus Jessica, natch — resolved to simply stop in, with the stipulation that when Kristin wanted to leave, they’d jet. As if Kristin would ever wait around for Roz…
Over at LC’s party, Stephen spoke to his ex on the phone, once again employing a variety of strange accents and inflections. The sound du jour was cockney as he hung up with Kristin by saying, “Awl Roight!” Eventually, Kristin and Roz pulled up into LC’s driveway, their hearts beating with the sort of dread and nervousness usually reserved for political hostages. “I’m nervous for you, but I didn’t want to say anything,” Roz admitted. Way to not say anything, ROZ.
Well, the two girls finally entered the Conrad domain and were instantly embarrassed that they were the only ones not dressed up for the “dressy party.” But like most teenage girls, they simply channeled their insecurity and self-consciousness into unadulterated catiness. Kristin and Roz completely ignored LC and instead formed a small clique with Stephen away from everyone else. You know what that means: sideways glances, muttered disapproval, and dismissive declarations of “Whatever.”
In the end Kristin and Roz departed with Stephen in toe, clearly taking whatever momentum this bruschetta-fest had left. That’s okay though because LC then revealed to her friends that this night had been the most relaxing night for her in a long time. And let’s face it: when you’re 19, living in a palatial mansion, not in school, barely working, and spending your afternoons shopping and tanning, things can get pretty stressful.
The next day, there was the typical party recap by Kristin as she told all the not-so-sordid details to Jessica. It wasn’t an entirely stimulating scene, so instead we moved over to LC who was shopping with Heidi and Jen. Sensing that their master was in low spirits, the girls revealed a personal mantra that may or may not have been stolen from Sex in the City: “When in doubt, shoe it out!” Sadly, a runaway train did not burst through the boutique and kill these girls at that second.
As the gals shopped, Jen piped up with a little piece of gossip: “You know what Jason said to me?” No, but do tell, oh Tantastic One! “He was devastated,” she said, clearly lying — Jason could never grapple the syllable-heavy word “devastated.”
Nevertheless, we then found the devastated Jason sitting on his front doorstep, apparently banished from his own house as well. And guess who was coming over? Jessica! Yay! Anyway, Jason sat quietly amongst some yellow flowers and butterflies, birds chirping all around. It was kind of like the Jane Austen version of Laguna Beach. This pastoral moment was interrupted, however, with the arrival of Jessica, which meant one thing: awkward conversation. The two talked about heading to Los Angeles, the Harvard of starry-eyed high school dropouts, and Jessica asked, “Excited?”
Jason: “Yup yup yup.”
Jessica then asked, “How’s Lauren?” Jason didn’t even bother verbalizing his thoughts. Instead, he made a quiet, imperceptible noise that sounded like a cross between a gulp and a mumble. To hear it, just click here. Jessica, meanwhile, could not believe that Lauren had become so unhinged over the whole situation. “It’s amazing that something like that little can like… whatever,” Jessica complained. Yeah — something that little. Jason just, you know, kissed his ex-girlfriend. I don’t know why LC was so sensitive about that. I’m sure Jessica would never have freaked out. I mean, yeah, she probably would have slit some throats, boiled a few bunnies, and maybe even resorted to voodoo, but c’mon. Who doesn’t?
Will Emma Thompson be joining you for tea, Jason?
The conversation became slightly more lively when Jason and Jessica each accused each other of starting the infamous kiss, and surprisingly, these great masters of debate could not reach a conclusion, which meant another somber drift into awkward silence. The scene finally ended with Jessica rising to leave and saying, “Good luck with… life.” It was a surprise move, considering we all expected her to say, “Okay, I gotta go now. PLEASE TAKE ME BACK! PLEASE!! YOU CAN CALL ME LC! I’LL WEAR A BLONDE WIG!!! I PROMISE!!”
And speaking of LC, the show ended with Jason taking a trip over to her house to talk about “things.” Unfortunately, the convo would have to take place outside, on account of LC’s dad imposing a strict anti-Jason ban. Anyway, the cheatin’ bastard arrived at the mansion in his BMW, which had me mildly disappointed. No antique hot rod today? Perhaps another obscure mode of transport could be arranged. Maybe a Penny Farthing or at least some sort of crude buggy?
“I want to come over here at apologize to you, say I’m sorry for…” Jason started, clearly running out of steam with so many words. “Kissing another girl? In front of me?” LC said, completing the sentence. Ouch! Mini-zing! She continued: “I feel like you kissed another girl in front of me, and I trusted you. And if you’re gonna do it in front of me, then I don’t wanna even know what you did not in front of me. Like, put yourself in my position, honestly. How would you feel if I kissed an ex-boyfriend right in front of you. But I was SORRY.” Kaboom! Just go home now Jason. You got served.
Eventually, this little talk wrapped up when LC said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Nothing more,” said Jason. And with that, the expected Kelly Clarkson musical montage began as Jason drove himself all the way home. Has Jason finally learned his lesson?? Like OMG!!!