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We’ve had to deal with a lot of high-profile celebrity breakups, but few have been as rough as the heart-wrenching demise of Laguna Beach’s very own Jason and Jessica, also known as Jassica (or Jesson, whichever you prefer). I know what you’re thinking. Are they really over and done? Is there such a thing as love at first TRL appearance anymore? If they can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?
Just take a deep breath, people. We’ll get through this together. If we could survive Kristin and Stephen (and lord knows that was a doozy), we’ll somehow, someway get through this dark chapter in Laguna town history. For the moment though, I’m going to light a tea candle vigil for our departed lovebirds in the hopes that maybe this fairy tale romance might somehow rekindle itself.Oh, who am I kidding? I was nearly dancing on the couch this episode as Jessica finally got bitchslapped with reality and lost the boy she should have dropped several weeks ago. Serves her right for complaining instead of dumping. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.
As usual, the show opened with Kristin regaling us with more tales of The ‘Guna. “I’ve been hanging out with Talan,” she narrated, “But he just wasn’t boyfriend material.” OH SNAP! The show’s three seconds old and already Talan’s been taken to school. That’s okay. Last I heard, he spent the early part of this summer galavanting around with Lindsay Lohan. I’m sure Kristin’s boyfriend assessment was the least of his concerns. As for his missing stash of coke? Well, let’s just say, he hasn’t seen Lindsay since. Wow, that was totally libelous, especially since I just made it up. Libel is fun!
Anyway, Roz and Kristin sat by a window and talked about how Stephen was coming to town. He apparently wanted to take Kristin out to dinner, causing Roz to coo, “You’re a pimp.” Kristin simply laughed back, “A P.I.M.P.” Yes. Much the way Roz is a S.I.D.E.K.I.C.K. What? You never heard that 50 Cent song? It’s off his rare Laguna Beach Mixtape Vol. 3. Little known fact: the “G” in G-Unit stands for ‘Guna.
After we Duffed out on the opening credits, we discovered the title of this episode was the cheery “I Hate Valentine’s Day.” And by the way, the people who say they hate Valentine’s Day actually looooove it but just don’t want to admit it (usually because they don’t have a date). Take THAT, Valentine’s haters!
Anyway, the ever-annoying Lo returned to the show, this time toting her nervous-looking boyfriend, Patrick, who may or may not be Keanu Reeve’s long lost child. The two trudged down LC’s outdoor staircase (home to all sorts of unflattering angles) and then reunited with the college dropout inside the mansion. Patrick, who observed everything like a frightened hamster, loosened up a little, even going so far as to make some jokes. But of course, killjoy LC had to ruin everyone’s moods by hating on Valentine’s Day. Oh boo-hoo. Maybe you should be out meeting people in college instead of hanging around your parents’ house, waiting for the MTV cameras to come calling? Wow, that was quite parental of me.
Elsewhere in Laguna, Stephen reunited with his sidekick Dieter who ALSO happened to be home from college. Since when did Valentine’s Day warrant a college homecoming? A cynical part of me believes these kids are just hopping at any opportunity to return to the MTV cameras. I don’t even want to know what stunts they’ll pull for Arbor Day.
Anyway, Dieter and Stephen shared some meaningful glances, and as they muttered about their Valentines, we saw that a) Dieter has packed on his Freshman 15 quite impressively, and b) Stephen’s hair is prone to afternoon puffiness. Pretty exciting stuff.
Meanwhile, Kristin was the latest loudmouth to jump on the “I Anti-Heart Valentine’s Day” bandwagon. As she complained and prepared for a big night out with Stephen, Roz sat alone and dejected on a bed, wisely noting that the people who always whine about Valentine’s always have plans (nice insight, Roz. Just goes to show. Years of observing Dr. Frasier Crane have really paid off!). “At least you have something to do tonight,” rebuffed Roz to Kristin’s latest complaint. Poor Roz. Nothing to do on Valentine’s except sit around and wait for her master to call. Well, either that or catch up on her Kelsey Grammar collection (might be a Down Periscope kind of night).
Unfortunately, this affable scene was promptly ruined by the always-annoying Jessica who unsurprisingly had a story that was technically meant to cheer Roz up, but only served to readjust the spotlight on Jessica instead. “I just spent a hundred dollars on cookie stuff and candles!” she exclaimed, as if they had JUST been talking about cookie stuff and candles (which they weren’t). Hey Jessica, did you happen to buy a muzzle too by any chance? It’s sad that I now regard Kristin as the normal, cool one (next to Rozzy).
Just when I thought this scene couldn’t get any worse, Roz brought the news that we so feared: “Jessica, Jason is calling your phone. I’m not even kidding.” Great. More drama. “What?” asked Jessica, suddenly excited. “Jason’s calling. Should I get it?” responded Roz. With a smile creeping over her face, Jessica replied, “No, let me answer.” The new cookie and candle owner bounded out of the bathroom, at which point Roz laughed and said, “I’m just kidding. I’m bored.” I LOVE ROZ!!
Anyway, while Kristin went off to dinner with Stephen, Jessica attempted to make things romantic for Jason by lighting what seemed like thousands of tea candles in her living room. “Jessica, he’s just your boyfriend. He’s just coming over for dinner with you,” remarked her friend Courtney. Amen to that. Maybe with a little luck, Jessica will catch on fire. Or at least her $100 worth of cookies will.
Meanwhile, Kristin and Stephen opted to shun ‘Guna fave Pasta Pomodoro in favor of the classier Rumari’s, home of the giant lobster entrée (was I the only one who salivated over the massive chunks of lobster Kristin was shoveling onto her fork?). The two former lovers had some strained but flirtatious dialogue, with the ever articulate Kristin finally proclaiming, “Yeah, every time I see you, I feel like. Like it’s fi–, you know, like uh, whatever. You know what I’m trying to say?” Not really, but well-stated nonetheless.
Maybe we should go back to Jessica and see how her romantic evening with a bag of tea candles and cookie dough is going. Well, it wasn’t really “going” as much as it was “slowly rolling to an awkward stop.” Yes, Jason showed up with takeout food, and as they quietly took their seats (he on the couch, she on the floor), the scene unfolded with the uncomfortable charm of a first date from hell. Granted, I’m sure the lumbering MTV cameras didn’t help, but this was what we like to call a horrendous dinner. Not only did they have little to talk about, but the times when they did open their mouths, it was usually to impart passive-aggressive comments. Well, actually, Jason was more aggressive than passive. “You’re a bad influence on me. I shouldn’t be with you.” Happy Valentine’s!!
The next day, the royal triumvirate of Kristin, Roz, and Jessica met to talk about their Valentine’s Days. Well, not Roz. As we all know, she was home alone; unloved and spurned, as usual. Kristin babbled a little bit about Stephen, but then it was time for Jessica to kvetch, and sure enough, she assaulted us with her same old whining. “He never calls! Never wants to hang out!” HE. DOES NOT. LIKE YOU. Do you want him to put it in sky writing??
Thankfully, Kristin and Roz were just as fed up as the rest of us and once again told their annoying friend that they had no sympathy for her. The two listed several reasons why she should dump Jason, but Jessica merely put her hands over her ears and did the whole “la la la” routine. So yes, she actively denied reality. Idiot. Roz better call Frasier on over. We’ll need his help.
Meanwhile, Stephen decided to surprise LC with flowers and chocolates. It was the least he could do, considering he had spurned her for Kristin on Valentine’s Day (not that LC even knew). Anyway, Stephen showed up at LC’s door, causing her the squeal with joy and shower him with hugs and (in her head, at least) kisses. OMG! Stephen’s back!!! Yay!!! LC hadn’t seen him in like three and a half weeks!!
Unfortunately, this visit was merely a pop-in, and no sooner had he arrived than he was gone. LC retreated to the kitchen with her chocolates where she and her friend dug in with rabid delight. “He gave you candy too?” asked LC’s dad. “You know what that means. ‘I Love You.’” Shut up, DAD!
We then returned to Jessica’s house where we quickly discovered that her phone ringtone was just as annoying as she was. The best way I can describe it is some hybrid between sleigh bells and a mosquito. Anyway, this scene was actually surprisingly awesome, if only because we got to witness Jason not only dumping Jessica, but dumping her on the phone. Okay, we should probably move her into a padded cell now.
Later, Jason and Cedric spent a romantic evening together enjoying some of the finest culinary delights Wahoo’s Fish Tacos had to offer. Of course, Cedric was quite excited about the big breakup (he ever so hated being the other woman). “I thought she was going to kill herself,” laughed Cedric. Yeah, my thoughts exactly. But then I remembered that she’ll probably have to go through her crazy stalker phase first.
Actually, I was wrong on that front too. I forgot that before she could go all Fatal Attraction, Jessica needed the “Psssh. I’m over it. He’s the one who’s not over it” phase. Sure enough, we caught up with her venting to Kristin, acting as if she were totally fine. And then, as often happens on Laguna Bach, Jason conveniently happened to call up. “It’s Jason. Should I answer it?” asked Jessica with a sly smile. Well, of course, she picked up the phone and on the other end, we could hear a loud cackle and then “Hey, it’s Roz. GOTCHA AGAIN!!!!! HAHHAHAHAHA!”
Okay, that didn’t happen, but Jessica did answer the phone. Jason said he was coming over, and I was kind of confused. Didn’t they break up? What else did they need to discuss? Oh that’s right, MTV just needed a scene to end on.
So Jason showed up, which was very awkward because Kristin was still sitting there. I kind of hoped that she would stay, just to provide a voice of reason for these two, but she left, unfortunately. The former lovebirds sat on opposite couches and kind of talked, but not really. Jason apologized for being such a dick, but as usual, his smirky little grin popped up, causing Jessica to go ballistic. She wanted to know what was so damn funny, and you just knew that he wanted to say “YOU,” but even Jason had some restraint. Either that, or he was reminiscing on his latest tickle fight with Cedric.
Anyway, Jason ultimately said that he and Jessica couldn’t be friends like before, and after he left the house (effective conversation!), Jessica completely broke down and all but put out the Bat Signal to get Kristin to come over. Kristin came over quite quickly, which had me wondering if maybe she had been sitting out on the porch the entire time.
With tears streaming down her face, Jessica was a hysterical mess. She announced that she blames things on herself and wanted to know what she did wrong. Jessica blames things on herself? Really? Couldn’t tell! I thought she was dating an asshole for the fun of it. Poor Kristin had to tend to her friend, and as the episode came to a close, the two girls hugged for support. Like OMG! I was like totally crying!!
What did you think about this episode? Did Jessica get what was coming to her?