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OMG! Like somebody call Alex and Jessica! Jason totally hooked up with LC tonight. That’s like sooo wrong. I mean, what do they even have to say to each other? I heard from Cami that Cedric was totally pissed and was like “What the hell?” and then like told Jen who was all like “I gotta tell Dieter,” but then Casey was like “Have a quesadilla!” and Emily was like “No, don’t ruin my Cabo trip!” and Taylor was like “I hate muscles” and Talan was like “What?” and Jeff was like “Just because I kiss boys doesn’t mean I’m gay!” and Morgan was like “Your dress is so cute!” and Alex M. was like “Thanks!” and Kristin was like “Yay BMW!”
Okay, so maybe that gossip chain didn’t happen — yet — but it will, especially once the latest scandal permeates through the tightly-knit Laguna Beach community. Yes, Jason and LC hooked up, but more importantly, Kristin got a new car! Talk about a watercooler episode!The show kicked off with Kristin’s usual recap of weeks past. Basically, she was so done with Talan (whatever happened to donezo? I still don’t know how to spell it. Done-zo? Dunzo?) and Jason was now officially a dog. Too much stress for poor Kristin. “I was just all about getting a new toy to play with, and I don’t mean a boy,” she said. Ah, but she didn’t rule out vibrator…
Anyway, we soon came to the opening scene and whoa whoa whoa! Stop this silliness right now! Do my eyes deceive me? The only two people on screen were LC and her tantastic friend, Jen. Where’s Roz? She’s the queen of the opening scene. How could she be omitted? Something was up, and I didn’t like it.
Turns out things were different this episode. Our normal stars — Kristin, Jessica, Alex M. — were relegated to the sidelines as the wunderkind from last season took the reins once again. As we listened in on LC and her Fake Lo sidekick, we learned that plans were afoot for a big barbecue. Basically, LC wanted to invite over all her old friends and a few “mellow” seniors like “Morgan and Taylor and Alex. Oh, and Casey, who I love.” I’m not sure I would have used Alex M. as the paradigm of “mellow,” especially when hygiene specialist Casey was in tow, but I welcomed the potential drama. Further adding excitement to the mix was Jason, who Jen suggested LC invite. Ah, wonderful. And that’s when this Jen girl put on her Shecky Greene hat and asked, “Hey Lauren. What comes with more Part B?” To which LC replied, “Part A?” Get it? (Part A, PartAY). Way to go Jen. Your first big opening scene, and you drop a turd of a joke on us. Go back to the tanning salon, and don’t come back until you have some Roz-level material.
We then saw the opening credits and the title for this week’s show: “Boyfriends are like purses.” There’s always another one in five minutes? Oh wait, that’s “streetcars.” I’m sure the purses thing will be explained later on in an inarticulate way; so I’ll just wait until then to decipher this possibly comedic launch point (hopefully the comic stylings of Jen will not be involved).
Anyway, speaking of boyfriends, we then cast our eyes on Stephen and Dieter as they headed to the beach to surf. Ah, sidekick and master reunited after the tough passage of an academic year. Question: why does Dieter have such a puffy face? It’s like he has a chronic allergic reaction to something. Maybe air. Nevertheless, he was nothing less than thrilled to go to LC’s house. “I’ve been looking forward to having a BBQ at Lauren’s house. Like just all of us chillin’ by the pool because it’s like so perfect,” he said. Ten years from now, Dieter will be working at the Laguna Mobil station, filling up Kristin’s tank, and saying, “Remember the good old days? You know, when we used to barbecue. We should do that again. Just like the old days. I miss them so much. I’m so lonely, Kristin. So lonely.”
Elsewhere in the ‘Guna, LC was shopping for, you know, stuff, when surprise, surprise — in walked Talan! Even though this chance meeting was completely staged, Talan still said, “I’m just shopping.” Yeah, because he normally just shops around women’s boutiques. Nevertheless, LC told him about the party, saying, “Hey, I’m having a barbecue today if you want to come.”
“Oh, that would be sick!” replied Talan. Whoa, easy there. Relax. It’s just a BBQ, not courtside tickets to the Lakers.
We then moved over to the world of Kristin as she and the girls hopped into her car. “I have to go on this side because the door doesn’t work,” announced Roz. THANKS ROZ. Luckily you can air all your problems to Dr. Frasier Crane, WHO YOU WORK WITH. And for the record, yes, Roz got in the backseat.
Well, for those of you hoping for an exciting scene of turning on the car, you were out of luck. Turns out Kristin’s old Isuzu Trooper was dead. The girls all gave their best automotive advice (“Press the brake,” suggested resident mechanic Roz), but eventually they succumbed to the sad reality that they would have to take ANOTHER CAR. Dunh dunh DUNH! “Now I definitely need a new car,” declared Kristin. Yes, this episode was thick with drama.
Back at LC’s palatial mansion, it was time to kick off this BBQ. Once again, playing the part of Lo tonight was Jen, and playing the part of hungry was Stephen, who immediately requested the LC stuff some mini brownies into his mouth. Soon everyone jumped into LC’s pool, which is, by the way, the nicest pool EVER. Eventually people began streaming in, but it wasn’t the big reunion I had been hoping and dreaming for. Basically, the only person to show up from last season was Broadway sensation and poster girl for averageness, Christina. She was so lame we didn’t even get to see her up close or hear anything she had to say. I was immediately excited/scared to see if her little sidekick Morgan (chubby Mormon girl? Looks like a chipmunk?) would come, but alas, she was probably off noshing on carrots or acorns or something.
Also arriving at the party were Alex M. and our old pal Casey, who brought her 35-year-old prom date/professional goon named Dustin, or as I call him, “Fuggedaboutit.” But the fun didn’t really start until Jason, or J. Wahl, arrived. Yay J. Wahl! And look! Here comes Talan and Darth Helmet too (although, as I mentioned last week, with his helmet freshly shorn, I now have to call him by his birth name: Jake). Well, Jason entered the bbq like it was a red carpet event, hugging people and saying clichés like “Much love.” Unfortunately, Jason was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and you know what they say: Casey + J. Wahl = goodbye Alex. It was for the better. Did you get a whiff of that girl’s hygiene? Stinky.
Eventually, Casey and Dustin left the big soirée too, leaving Talan and Taylor to make disgusted faces at each other. Meanwhile, in the pool, Jason and LC found themselves rapt in conversation. Actually, it was more like LC was babbling on about her college career, and Jason was staring at her with a vacant smile — because let’s face it. No matter what Lauren said, all he could hear was “Boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies Cedric’s penis boobies boobies boobies.”
Later, the two stepped out of the pool, and Jason expressed his feelings for LC in his typically articulate fashion: “You’re like, ‘Oh, um, for you,’ and I was like ‘Yeah?’” And yes, that was a direct quote. Well, you know how these things go on Laguna Beach: first we saw LC and Jason flirting some more, then we saw Stephen observing jealously from afar, and then we saw a healthy portion of Jason’s butt crack emerging from his shorts. Just another day at the pool.
The next day, we returned to the dullsville subplot of Kristin and her car. I don’t know what she did to deserve such a dumb storyline, but at least it was better than last week when she spent the episode running around like a madwoman, squawking at every passing object. Instead, we found Kristin riding with her dad Dennis in the car. Whaaa? Adults and teens spend quality time together on this show? I thought parents were only there to quietly live vicariously through their kids. Anyway, today’s big adventure with Kristin and Dennis was to get a new car. “This has new car day written all over it,” he announced, adding, “What kind of cars do the kids have at school?” Competitive, are we? Shockingly, Kristin approached this entire situation with a fairly mature attitude. She didn’t whine about her car or beg for a more expensive one. Instead, she casually laughed off that her Isuzu was one of the shit cars in school. Kristin then stole the Shecky Greene hat from Jen and said that regarding her car, “It’s been a Trooper.” Rimshot! WELL DONE, Kristin.
Anyway, the good news for Kristin was that pops pulled into a BMW dealership and surprised her with a brand new SUV. “Dad, is it mine? Dad? Dad? Is it mine?” YES, IT’S YOURS!! BE QUIET! And so Kristin drove off into the Laguna sunset, and conveniently, her car came pre-equipped with spy cameras, the perfect add-on for the casual driver who just happens to be on a reality show. I wonder if you can order that feature with any BMW. You know, sort of like how you can “iPod” your car. Maybe you can “Laguna” your Z3. Well, with a brand new car on the road, there was only one thing for Kristin to do: call the sidekick. We then cut to Roz who seemed absolutely filled with dreamy joy as her master regaled her with stories of the X3. Don’t worry Roz. Your moment in the sun will come too.
Meanwhile, up at Chateau Conrad, LC presided over an afternoon tanning session with Jen and some new girl named Heidi. The three gabbed about boys and whatnot, thus precipitating a forced metaphor that will undoubtedly be quoted and idolized in the high schools of America. The basic thesis: boyfriends are like purses. (Remember? The title of the episode.) LC then took the helm: “You’re always going to have that one boy who you’re always comfortable with, and, you know, you’ll always kind of like. That’s your purse that you wear everywhere, right?”
Continue, Ms. Conrad.
“Then you have that gorgeous bag that you want everyone to see you with,” she added, before driving it home with, “Then you have those other purses that you really like but don’t want to be seen with.” And let’s not forget the most common purse: the type you only wear when you’re drunk and horny and then never see again.
Sadly, this scintillating dissection of the romantic-handbag theory was truncated when Jason called up to invite LC to dinner. So what sort of purse is he? The hairy dumb purse you wear only after three other girls have worn it first? I hear those sell really well for some girls.
Anyway, LC said she’d love to have dinner with Jason (and she did it in that sing-songy voice that made me want to slap a muzzle on her mouth), and eventually, he showed up at her house driving a very dandy old-fashioned kit car. You know, Jessica and Alex never received this sort of foppish treatment. But then again, we learned through some intermittent scenes that Jason really wanted to “chill” with LC, probably more so than with Jessica and Alex, and, well, Cami (sorry Cam. You’re just not ready for the big leagues).
Inside the Conrad Compound, LC’s meddling parents wanted to know all the details about Jason. Oh Jim and Kathy. We know you’re just happy to be on TV. Just, try not to ask your daughter for an autograph. Unfortunately, we didn’t really get to see Jason meeting LC’s parents. It would have been really funny if he had suddenly become super articulate around them. But anyway, the two piled into Jason’s old car, thus providing one of the more amusing vehicular images on Laguna Beach.
While the new lovebirds enjoyed a rather dull date, we cut to another romantic dinner, this time between Stephen and puffy-faced Dieter (maybe he was stung by a bee?). Like a good sidekick, Dieter had some big gossip for Stephen. “Dude, I heard the most standard stuff about Lauren today from Jen.” Is that what the kids are saying these days? “Standard”? Wow, that’s some standard stuff. Anyway, Dieter continued, “She’s going on a date with J. Wahl.” He then added, “In other news, my doctors say that I will have permanent facial puff. Bummer.” Stephen reacted with typical jealous surprise, and then we returned to the other couple, whose dinner conversation seemed to revolve around Jason sheepishly complimenting LC, and her saying “Thank you” in that damn sing-songy voice. Seriously, these two had little in common (as evidenced by the copious amounts of dead silence hanging in the air), but if there was anything they did know, it was the importance of a hot tub to any date. Thanks Roger Loge!
We then paused to check in on Kristin and her new car. Not much to report there. Roz and Jessica squealed with excitement; Roz and Jessica sat in the car; Kristin accidentally turned her wipers on; Kristin finally figured out how to turn them off. The End. Okay, back to the date!
Well, the two pretty teens hopped into LC’s jacuzzi where they flirted and groped and smiled some more. “I have fun with you,” said LC, prompting Jason to say, “Me too.” He has fun with himself also? So he’s THAT sort of purse. Anyway, a tiny peck was exchanged between the two, but mostly this private pool party was all about the bashful smiles. Why didn’t Jason step up and jam his tongue down her throat? Surely that’s his style. Or is it? You just know a jealous Cedric was in the bushes, sharpening a blade, cursing LC’s name. Beware the jilted lover, LC. Beware…
What do you think about this courtship? Does it seem natural?