OMG. Like OM-F-ing-G. I like can’t believe prom is over! Like, over! Guys, this is so sad. Only two weeks left in Laguna Beach senior year. Promise that we’ll always be friends? Forevah and evah?
Yes, it was prom night on Laguna Beach, a momentous occasion that the online community has surely been anticipating ever since photos of the big pre-party leaked to the internet. And I’ll say this: I was not disappointed. This episode came with all the silliness, drama, and pettiness that we’ve come to expect not only from Laguna Beach, but prom season in general. Plus, Cami the Vaguely Ethnic Girl popped up, so you know it had to be a fun night on MTV. Just about the only thing missing were some of those crazy Laguna parents. Oh wait, we had them too. Best episode EVER!This mighty episode began with who else? Kristin, Jessica, and Roz. We didn’t find them in their typical haunts — spa, Koffee Klatch, Kristin’s bedroom. Instead, the babbling trio ensconced themselves in the joyful comforts of a porch swing. Well, except for Jessica. She was confined to a lowly rocking chair. Anyway, the big topic of conversation was not how awesome the porch swing was (even though CLEARLY it was very awesome), but instead prom. Yes, prom season was upon us, which meant it was time for everyone to fret needlessly about getting asked. Kristin kicked off the roundtable discussion, asking, “If you could go with anyone in the school, who would you go with?” I believe you have the floor, Roz.
“Maybe Mikey J. because he’d be a fun date,” Roz answered. Who is this mysterious Mikey J.? Normally I wouldn’t care, but anyone who piques the interest of our dearest Roz has got to be worth something, right? Nevertheless, she continued, “I’ve never gone to a dance with him or anything.” Roz then added, “Actually, I’ve never gone to a dance at all. TEACH ME, GREAT MASTER!”
Okay, Roz didn’t say that. Instead, she simply passed the question on to Jessica. “Who do you want to go with, Jessica?” she asked. Uh oh. Will this be our last moment of tranquility before a full-fledged episode of Jason drama? Thankfully not. Actually, Jessica was surprisingly normal and non-annoying this episode. I don’t know why. I thought it was quite disarming, to be honest. Anyway, Jessica said she wanted to go with Jeff, a.k.a. her dreamboat rebound from last episode (who, ahem, hooked up with Kristin, but whatevs, right?). As for the star of the show, Kristin fretted that no one was going to ask her to the prom. Yeah, you’re only one of MTV’s hottest breakaway stars. You’ll never find someone to ask you to the prom…
After the opening credits, we went to Talan’s house to see the boys deliberate the very same things. It was kind of like a modern take on “Summer Nights.” I half expected Talan’s crew to bust out with “Tell me more! Tell me more! Will ya take her to prom!” (Yes, that was an original lyric by the songsmiths at TVgasm.) Anyway, Talan was surrounded by his rather lame posse of sidekicks — the aforementioned Jeff and our old favorite, Darth Carrot Top, famous for his thick helmet of bountiful, red hair. It should be noted that Darth had his first significant dialogue this evening as he asked Talan who he’d be taking to the prom. “For the last year, I’ve been trying to ask Kristin,” he replied. Dude, you’ve been trying to ask Kristin to the prom for the past year? Not to be anal or anything, but you really don’t have to worry about it until May. In other news, Talan just completed his Christmas cards… for 2006. (mini-zing!)
Anyway, we learned that Jeff and Darth were going to ask Taylor and Jessica respectively to the prom, which led Talan to note, “I think of all the three dates we could have picked, we all just picked like the ultimate like drama dates. We have like Taylor, Jessica, and Kristin.” Ha, that’s so funny. Well, that’s what happens when you let MTV cast your prom.
We then took an unnecessary break from the prom drama, or Promma as I like to call it (but most likely will never do so again), to check in with our boring collegiate freshman, Stephen. We found him in his pickup, driving back into town (I suppose he was down to celebrate Arbor Day or perhaps Lumpy Rug Day). Actually, I imagine that freshmen year had just ended for him, which meant it was time to return to the ‘Guna and get back on TV, STAT! His first order of business was to call LC, who was busy with her studies (ie. reading a magazine in a well-lit window). Honestly, I don’t remember what they talked about. I think Stephen said he was back in town and wanted to meet up. Fascinating stuff.
Meanwhile, over at the local nail salon, Taylor and her clique got their manis and pedis (like best afternoon ever!) and talked all about the prom. It was their last big dance, and Taylor admitted that she might just cry. But wait! Suddenly a ragged, androgynous, and possibly poor person walked into the salon. Was that Andy Dick? Nope. It was just some strange towing woman coming to say that Taylor’s car was getting hauled away. As her face rapidly turned into a giant tomato, Taylor rose from her chair and went out to the parking lot to deal with the situation. Question: was this towing person a man or a woman? I couldn’t tell. Also, why would Taylor be towed for parking in the lot? And furthermore, why was this the most exciting thing to happen all season?
Most disturbing Laguna cameo EVER!
Oh… hold on a sec… stop the presses. Turns out Tay Tay wasn’t getting towed. It was all a joke. She just got Punk’d, Laguna style! Behind it all? Darth Carrot Top, who then asked Taylor to the prom. Unfortunately for us though, Darth had lost his Darth-ness. Yes, he had trimmed his helmet down, instead going for a casual mohawk. I guess I have to call him by his real name now. And that name is… um… wait… looking it up… Jake! (I briefly debated calling him Mr. CT, in honor of Mr. T and Carrot Top, but as you can tell, it was quite labored.) Well, Taylor was so excited, she shrieked, jumped up and down, and hugged Jake with joy. She almost hugged the androgynous pseudo-Andy Dick, but luckily her natural instincts kept her from touching this representative of the underclass.
Elsewhere in the ‘Guna, two guys dressed like gorillas approached Roz and Jessica who were dining al fresco at one of the town’s many eateries. The girls were talking about, you guessed it, the prom, and Roz for one had some serious anxiety issues. She was scared that she wouldn’t get asked. Believe me, had I had my wits about me six months ago, I totally would have asked her. Never fear, Roz. Those guys in the gorilla suits? Yeah, they’re coming for you. We then found out the overgrown simian creatures were none other than Jeff C. and Jeff B., which of course begged the question, where was Jeff A.? As the gorillas approached the girls, Roz announced, “If I really don’t get asked, I’m still gonna go because it’s not like you stay with your date the whole time, you know?” She then added, “For instance, I can stand by Kristin. Maybe hold her drink. It would be my honor.”
Well, the Jeffs surprised the girls and held up giant bananas that simply asked, “Prom?” This led to squeals of delight, and as the guys removed their masks and breathed in the cool beach air, we then shifted back to Stephen and LC who were now strolling down the street together. I wonder if they’ll go to the prom? I wouldn’t put it past them. Nevertheless, Stephen talked about how he wasn’t planning on returning to San Fran: “There was no way I was going to graduate from there. I already felt like I soaked up everything I wanted to soak up up there.” Translation: “I have a D- average.”
Enough with these old people, though. Let’s get back to the prom. We caught up with Alex and her buds as they partook in that classic tradition: finding the perfect prom dress. And uh oh! Look out! There’s a non-white girl on the loose! Yes, Cami returned for the first time since poker night at Casey’s (she also appeared very briefly in Cabo, but that doesn’t count), and we learned that she’s actually just a sophomore. The twists keep coming with this show!
Well, the producers aren’t just about to put a slightly ethnic girl on camera for nothing. Cami had her own possibly scandalous agenda. You see, Jason had asked her to the prom, and she wanted to make sure Alex would be okay about it. Surprisingly, Alex didn’t force Cami to call herself a slut. Instead, she simply laughed it off with a casual, lightly delusional “I could care less about Jason” (we’ll just overlook that whole Cabo fight). Hmmm… time for a conspiracy theory. A few episodes ago, Cami allegedly caught Jason and Jessica hooking up, thus precipitating the breakup of Alex and Jason. Now Cami’s suddenly going to the prom with Jason? This all seems like a carefully orchestrated plan on the part of Cami. Something smells fishy. And I’m not talking about Alex’s hygiene.
Behold! The black girl of Laguna Beach!
Meanwhile, with everyone seemingly set up with a date, Roz pestered her master Kristin with prom doubts. What if no one asks you? Do you think that will happen? What if? What if? What if???? Someone needed to slap Roz across the face. She’d gone positively prom-crazy. Well, we knew Kristin wouldn’t be left out of all the prom fun because a) we’ve already seen the photos, and b) we cut to Talan walking up the street with an excessive amount of red balloons and rose petals. Man, no matter how hard he tries, we still just don’t give a shit about this guy.
Well, Talan somehow gained access to Kristin’s garage where he set up an elaborate, life-sized diorama of love. He then shut the garage door and waited. And waited. And waited. Of course, nifty editing made it seem like he was in there for only about two seconds because in the next shot, Kristin and Roz pulled up to the garage, only to find a bouquet of flowers in the middle of the driveway. After the obligatory OMG reaction, Kristin stepped out of her car and read a gooey note attached to the floral arrangement. It implored her to shut her eyes and count to ten. Roz then scuttled over to the sidelines to watch (good sidekick!) as the garage door slowly opened. I half expected to find Talan’s dead body slumped on the floor, a hapless victim of carbon monoxide poisoning. But alas, he was alive and well and bearing his calculated “Look at me! I’m so humble and soft!” smile. By the way, no word on how Talan was able to hear Kristin counting. We’ll just assume one of the camera men hit the garage clicker.
Anyway, Kristin happily agreed to be Talan’s prom date, and off to the side we kept cutting to Roz who simply beamed with delight. Meanwhile, you know inside she was grumbling, “All I got was a freakin’ gorilla costume.” Random story: here’s how I asked my date to the prom: “Hey, you want to go to the prom?” The End.
Cut to the day of the prom, and it was time for all the girls to get their hair did. And by girls, I mean Cedric. Okay, Cedric and Alex. Yes, the dynamic duo headed to the hair salon, and our boy Ced had some last minute highlights applied to his moptop. It was really quite masculine. Anyway, Alex announced that everyone would be going to Sarah’s house before the prom (who?), causing Cedric to ask, “Are we taking like pictures there and stuff?” Oh, and how! Not only would they be taking pictures, they’d be taking PICTURES BY CHERYL! Move over Richard Avedon…
Alex then poked fun at our boy Ced, saying he looked like the guy from Zoolander. The guy from Zoolander — also known as… Zoolander. This was all well and good, but the real question was whether or not Cedlander’s new highlights would be enough to steal Jason’s heart back from the beguiling Cami. Poor Cedric. You could tell he was just heartbroken. He tried not to show it, but it didn’t take long for the Cami-bashing to begin.
“How random is Jason’s prom date?” he asked, adding, “I mean, why isn’t it me? His old chap, Ced!” Okay, he didn’t add that last part, but he did warn Alex that Cami may have some high expectations. “I don’t think she knows that they’re not going to like chill. He just needs a date to go with.” Wow, did Cedric literally just imply that Jason needs a beard? Again, just fueling the fire, Ced. Fueling the fire…
Oh, and here’s what I imagine Cedric looks like after a long night with Jason:
There’s Something About Cedric.
Meanwhile, at the Casa Del Kristin, it was primping as usual. Nothing new going on here, although Kristin did manage to burn Roz with a flat iron. Sidekick punishment? I’m surprised Kristin didn’t seethe, “Know your place, bitch!” Over at Talan’s house, all the guys gathered together, and Jeff C. (or was it B.?) even got a little kiss from fleeting Talan sidekick JP. I have to say, the men really looked classy. I mean, yeah, they weren’t wearing tuxes… or ties… or dress shoes… but as far as douchebag black tie, they really went above and beyond. Actually, looking back at the prom pictures, I gotta say that JP and Jeff B. (or was it C.?) both had neckties at the very least, so I guess they get .5 bonus points. But they’re not popular and vacuous enough to be the male stars of this show. Sorry guys, -12 points.
Well, everyone climbed into the limo, which came with a nifty set of rims (They spinnin’! They spinnin’!), and before long, all the teens were downing Red Bulls and… some other mysterious drink housed in blue cups. Non-alcoholic, I’m sure… Soon, the gang arrived at Sarah’s house, which was decked out as if it were hosting the latest Steven Spielberg movie premiere. I mean, there were velvet ropes, waiters in black ties, champagne, photographers, hors d’oeuvres. I guarantee that this was more formal than the prom itself. Makes sense though. After all, when else will all these crusty, surgically enhanced, past-their-prime housewives ever get on camera again?
Now, whenever we think of the Laguna Beach prom photos, we really only think of one thing: Casey. Yes, the beauty queen turned quesadilla fanatic showed up in her infamous dress (which seemed to be missing whole chunks of cloth) and toted her decades-older date Dustin on her arm. It was mildly refreshing to know that even the kids of the ‘Guna were put off by Casey’s pornstar-meets-Aguilera-meets-pornstar-again appearance.
I see Paris, I see France…
For a moment, I thought Casey’s outfit might actually be the norm down there — especially after seeing Talan’s mom, a giant mess of tight clothing and silicone implants the size of bowling balls. The funny thing is that since seeing the prom photos, we here at TVgasm have been wondering who the hell that woman was, and why she was so pathetically trying to be one of the kids. Finding out it was Talan’s mom just filled in all the blanks. Plus, her name is Charlene. Odds that Charlene Torriero has a porn background? 3-to-1.
Unsurprisingly, this pre-prom turned into quite the chaotic mess as everyone scrambled to get in photos and schmooze with the adults. Jason received warm words from one mother, and I couldn’t tell if she was proud to see the kids all grown up, or if she was simply just waiting for an autograph. Talan became pissy at Kristin all of a sudden — don’t know why, really — but he was acting like a little bitch. I think he felt neglected, which is dumb, but maybe he was just annoyed now that Kristen’s donkey voice was back in full force. Everyone headed off to the prom finally where we saw some grainy footage from inside the dance, and yada yada yada HELLO. Alex and Jason were making out right there in the parking lot. Well, Cedric was right. Cami didn’t stand a chance. But who knew Alex would come in and vulture Jason away from Ceddy? That was a clear “chilling” violation. Sadly, Cedric did not corner Alex against a wall and yell, “You’re such a f*cking ho!”
Eventually, everyone — including Kristin in a different dress — came pouring out of the prom and hopped into the limo, but Jason and Alex were still smooching. It was like a long lost Big Red commercial. We kept cutting back and forth from Jason to Cami, who looked quite sad, but apparently everything was all right. Cami had allegedly spent a good portion of the prom declaring, “Worst prom date EVER!” Sorry, Cam. Next time don’t go with a guy whose vocabulary doesn’t extend beyond “Uh” and “Yeah.”
The next day, it was time for everyone to relive the magic that was Prom 2005. Talan explained to Cedric and Jason that he was bummed that Kristin wasn’t paying attention to him, but the guys cared more about Jason hooking up with Alex. As for Kristin, she and Roz and Jessica lounged on some couches and harped on Casey some more. “Did you see Casey’s dress?” screamed Jessica in a rare moment of not talking about her own troubles.
“Casey looks like a cheap hooker. She does,” insisted Kristin. We do not disagree. But the best was Roz, who piped up with a refreshing dose of Laguna snobbery. “How she puts makeup on — that’s like Mission Viejo or like inland Orange County. Not like Laguna Beach.” Well, you heard it here first. Mission Viejo is the new Chino.
What did you think? Was this prom experience like yours?