Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
Like OMG! Did you even see that fight between Casey and Alex? And what about Kristin visiting Stephen? Talan’s gonna be totally jealous! Yes, it was another scandalous episode of Laguna Beach last night as Casey spread a mysterious hygiene-related rumor about Alex all around school. Dumb move, bitch. Looks like you’ll be eating your quesadillas alone…
As for Kristin, she visited her man Stephen up in San Fran, and when not being terrorized by errant seagulls, she spent her trip staring off into the distance, muttering “Yeah” and “I know” to her ex’s incessant babbling. It was so romantic.Last night’s episode began with the always entertaining “Previously on Laguna Beach.” We relived last week’s wonderful Cabo catfight between Alex and Jessica, but wait! There’s more. “The drama wasn’t over for Alex,” said Kristin. “She was about to find out that her good friend Casey had started a nasty rumor about her.” YES! That’s just the sort of news I want to hear at the top of Laguna Beach. Let the brawl begin! (Because we know that Alex is quite the bruiser.)
Well, it didn’t take long for the claws to come out. In the very next sentence, Kristin noted, “I knew that girl was bad news. She’s a little slut.” Buckle up, people. It’s gonna be a stormy night in the ‘Guna!
Sadly, we also had boring story lines to deal with, mainly Kristin’s pseudo-love triangle with Stephen and Talan. “I was starting to get the sense that Talan wanted more from me,” said Kristin. Really? What gave you that impression? The fact that he spent the entire Cabo trip trying to make out with you? Saying he loved you? So observant, Kristin. So observant.
Ah, but Talan’s smooth moves in Mexico looked like they’d be thwarted because Stephen had invited his former lass up to San Francisco. This therefore prompted the typical Kristin/Roz powwow at the top of the show, but unlike past episodes, this meeting took place out in nature. Hmmm… I don’t know how I feel about this. It’s sort of disorienting to not have Roz sitting on a bed, leafing through a magazine.
Nevertheless, the two gal pals gabbed about Talan, with Kristin saying that he liked her too much. “What do you do? I mean, seriously?” asked Roz. She then added, “Seriously, I’ve never had a boy like me.” Kristin brushed off the whole thing, saying she just acts like a bitch, and then suddenly we were whisked away to the opening credits. When the show returned, we heard those lofty notes of Coldplay twinkling over the Laguna coast. Gwyneth Paltrow LOVES Laguna Beach now!
We then went down to the beach where Alex and Taylor were hanging out with a Master-less Cedric. What the? How is this possible? He’s the sidekick. He can’t stray from his Master Jason! Something is afoot. Maybe Jessica has tied Jason to a bed in her basement, Kathy Bates style. Anyway, the big topic of conversation was Casey and this rumor she had apparently started. We didn’t get the details, unfortunately, but Alex said with an embarrassed look that it had to do with a bad hygiene problem. Her face had that guilty look, and it was clear she was covering something up. Normally, I’d just surmise that it had to do with underarm odor or halitosis, but with Alex suddenly getting so shifty, I’ll just have to assume something’s up with her vagina. That’s just the way it goes.
Nevertheless, Alex M. sneered at these hygienic accusations and said she would never be friends with Casey ever again. Of course, if she were smart, she’d actually talk to Casey and find out her side of the story, but that would require “logic” and “thoughtfulness.”
Elsewhere in Laguna, we found Roz sitting on Kristin’s bed and babbling about San Fran. Ah, that’s the Roz we know and love: semi-bored, quarantined to a bed, and asking expository questions. “Is there any chance that you’ll actually sleep in his dorm?” asked Roz. Wait, Kristin wasn’t planning on sleeping in Stephen’s dorm? What sort of lame college trip was this going to be? She’s supposed to go to a frat and get shitfaced. Does this mean she’ll be having a dainty time in a hotel? POOR.
Well, conveniently enough, Stephen just happened to call during this scene, thus prompting an old fashioned discussion of Bay Area weather. Stephen commented: “At night, it gets really cold.” To which Kristin replied sardonically, “Oh great…” She HATES climates!
Hey, remember LC? Well, she magically reappeared this episode as she and Casey (whose ass has become quite saggy, I might add) met up for some cawffee tawk. Sadly, Imelda’s quesadillas were not present. As if I wasn’t distracted enough by this odd pairing, Casey then said to LC, “Well, I’m glad you’re home!” Uh, hasn’t LC been home for about four months now? The good news for those of us fretting about LC’s floundering academic career was that she’s been taking classes at UC Irvine and she has an internship at a place called Three Dots. Buuuuttt basically she still has no life. She did impart some sage advice though: it’s always better to be on Alex M.’s good side. Why’s that? Does she have a bad side? (Flashback to last week: “You are f*cking such a little ho!”) Yeah, I guess she does.
We then received a lovely treat by seeing another Kristin/Roz scene, but this time at Roz’s house! Yay! I love when we venture into the sidekick’s world. Plus, we got to see her dog Billy. A cute little dog that I’d have no trouble kicking if it ever barked. The big discussion this evening (and yes, Roz was on her bed. But so was Kristin) was Talan. The former Mr. Lohan was cooking dinner for Kristin, and she was fairly freaked out by it. Surely it wouldn’t be anything fancy, right?
Uh, not so much. Talan went all out for dinner. He made shrimp cocktail, tossed a salad, grilled some chicken, served up some corn, and oh look, is that beer in a wine glass? Maybe it’s just sparkling cider… Either way, Kristin labeled the entire meal “intense,” which is usually the word I use to describe shrimp cocktail also. To be fair, it was a pretty impressive spread, and I became instantly hungry and then jealous. I mean, this Kristin girl always gets the best meals: sushi, shrimp cocktail, lobster. Next week we’re gonna see her dining on black truffles and beluga caviar.
Unfortunately for Talan, he could sense that something was up with his fine lady. He asked if she was thinking about Stephen, but she adamantly denied it. “I’m so done with Stephen. It’s not even funny,” she said, adding, “I just happen to be visiting him this weekend. You know, as a testament to my doneness. Dunzo, if you will.”
Well, the next day, it was time to head out to the airport, and luckily Roz, ever the loyal sidekick, was able to provide ample car service in her raggedy Volkswagon convertible. Typical sidekick car. We then watched a plane fly off in the sky and suddenly images of the Golden Gate Bridge flooded our TV. And in case we were total morons, a “San Francisco” title appeared on the screen. Oh really? This is San Francisco? I thought this was the famed Golden Gate Bridge of Memphis. Thanks MTV!
Anyway, Kristin was greeted by Stephen and his new silent sidekick Ryan. I’m really glad we learned this new guy’s name. I mean, even though he didn’t say a word and even though we never saw him the rest of the episode, it’s important that we get to know everyone who appears on screen. Nevertheless, after some hugs and banal commentary about Stephen’s pickup truck, it was time to hit the town. Cue the San Fran montage! Yay Chinatown! Yay cable cars! Yay Fisherman’s Wharf! It was like I was reliving Full House all over again.
The best part of this entire adventure, however, was a random moment when a seagull landed directly next to Kristin, startling the bejeezus out of her. For some reason, I thought this was the funniest thing ever and laughed out loud for a good thirty seconds. Can’t really explain why. I think maybe I’m lacking sleep.
Meanwhile, down on the beaches of Laguna, more trouble was afoot. Alex, looking like a teenybopper version of Buddha, sunned on the beach with her loyal buddies Taylor and Morgan S., but their afternoon of skin cancer would soon be interrupted. Casey called up and said she wanted to talk. “Casey has some balls to walk down here,” said Alex. Yeah, who does she think she is, trying to apologize and mend things and save a friendship. Bitch.
Well, Casey eventually arrived all bubbly and fake, and the two girls walked off to a private area to have their cat fight. It wasn’t as explosive as Cabo, but it still was worth the price of admission. According to the editing, Casey started off saying that the whole rumor thing wasn’t really a big deal. Yeah, um, bad tactic. How about you apologize instead? Actually, to her credit, Casey did admit she was totally wrong, and I actually believed she was being sincere. But Alex was not having it: “I’ve heard a lot of stuff about you, but really I’ve never repeated it to anyone.” That’s the spirit, Alex! Tit for tat!
Casey then made an urgent and amusing plea, “Forgive!!!! Don’t forget but FORGIVE!!!!” but again Alex shot it down. This caused Casey to say something about “You must be a really evil person then,” to which Alex pulled a watchu talkin’ ’bout Willis and balked at the “evil” accusation. Blah blah blah, more yelling, and finally Casey asked, “Why can’t you be a big person and get over it?” Yeah, why can’t you get over the malicious rumor I spread about you? Why can’t you be the bigger person? Actually, uh, I think we’ve already established that Alex is something of a “big” person, if you catch my drift.
Ultimately, when the dust settled, Alex said she didn’t want to be friends with Casey anymore, and as the beauty queen left the beach, Taylor and Morgan clamored for details. “She called me an evil person,” Alex said, providing no context whatsoever. Funny how Alex omitted the part where Casey tried to apologize and admit she was wrong and begged for forgiveness. Memo to teenage girls who read this: if you want to curb the drama in your life, stop relying on gossip.
Back in the boring storyline, Kristin and Stephen sat up high on some ridge and watched random fireworks exploding over the bay. Stephen seemed entranced, but as usual, Kristin just looked bored. She, like us, wanted to know why the hell there were so many fireworks going off, and Stephen explained there was some concert, but you just know the producers were down there setting off the pyrotechnics themselves. Anyway, the two huddled under a blanket, and Stephen talked and talked and talked, and when he was done babbling about who knows what, he stared at Kristin with this look like “So, wanna make out?” Sadly for him, he was met with reticent glances and a set of blue balls as his ex pulled away. Later, Stephen dropped Kristin off at her hotel, and the mood had become considerably more tense. I mean, he asked for his sweatshirt back. THE NERVE! And then he handed her his garbage and asked her to throw it out for him. It was like watching Brad and Jen split all over again.
The next day, the two seemed to be better as they sat on a bench by the ocean. Once again, Stephen droned on and on about how weird it is to just be friends. Kristin, clearly enthralled by the conversation, simply stared off with squinting eyes, inserting an obligatory “yeah” whenever necessary. These two have beautiful chemistry. Of course, I could have been misreading the situation. Maybe Kristin was just on guard for any sudden seagull attacks from on high.
In one of the more random transitions this season, we then saw Jessica and her bouncing cleavage galloping out of the Laguna surf. It was like Bo Derrick in 10 meets annoying. Anyway, Jess thankfully did not mention Jason this scene. Instead, she joined the Master-less Roz on the beach, and uh oh. Here comes Talan. Jessica’s clearly going to spill the beans about Kristin’s San Fran trip. Surprisingly, it was Roz who blabbed. Wow, bold move from the sidekick. Talan, of course, was all upset as he feared Kristin was going to hook up with Stephen, but the girls insisted that it was just a trip for closure, whatever that meant. “Talan, you know she’s my best friend,” said Roz, adding, “She’s my MASTER!”
The show then ended outside Kristin’s hotel as Stephen continued to babble about their relationship, but even he was tired by this dialogue, and so he devolved into a steady stream of weird clicks and sound effects that I unfortunately can’t convey through prose. Kristin finally said that she was annoyed that he still treated her like his girlfriend, and he said it was all he really knew and I said “Dammit!” as my Tivo cut off the final two seconds of this most scintillating discussion. Oh well.
What did you think about this episode? Does Stephen need to get over Kristin? And whose side do you take — Alex M. or Casey’s?