This Week: Zombie impressions, alcoholism and a lack of anti-frizz serum
A personal triumph for me: I only puked a little today when writing this recap! I think I’m getting desensitized. Anyhoo, Kristin goes home to Laguna to make out with her Dad, while HBUD and Spence have growing concern with Holly being fucking cool as hell, aka drinking a lot during important social events. Then, they stage an intervention/mockery. And…Justin Bobby comes face to face with his Dead-eyed old flame, and they talk about bullshit. It’s all here, on The Hills!
Previously on the hills, everyone’s living a lie. Why? Holly’s getting hammered (if I was her, my alcohol content would be pretty high, too. Hellloooo DUI!) and Audrina dates Justin Bobby’s less douchey friend in a transparent effort to give the bitch a plot line.
Kristin, can you conceivably be bitchier than Justin Bobby? Is that a challenge or a promise?
Bitch, TRY ME.
At Breadbar, Kristin meets with Troll to discuss going home to Laguna beach. Yeah, the restaurant’s called breadbar. Yes, I’m sure neither of them will be ordering carbs. In fact, I doubt that they’re even at the restaurant. I bet the producer just likes compound words.
Anyhoo, SURPRISE SURPRISE, Troll ALWAYS goes home to Laguna Beach to see her Mommy and Daddy. She was also probably a late-bedwetter and didn’t get boobies until she was 18. Wait, she still doesn’t have boobies. Sorry, Lo. Maybe that some well-placed hair straightener and some bangles will make you look less like a drawbridge-dweller and more like a stay-at-home mom.
My Sources say YES.
Of course, because these two have nothing intelligent to talk about, they discuss how Justin Bobby was a no-show and how Brody and his fetal alcohol syndrome-y girlfriend are a match made in heaven. And by a match made in heaven, I mean they fight all the fucking time. Yeah, eat your heart out, HBUD. If you got a word in edgewise, you’d get HIT.
But we can’t let Justin Bobby go just yet- Troll, work some yenta “I told you so’s” in there, will ya? Thanks.
Oy! Eat something, Dahlin.’ You’re wasting away!
Ugh, Kristin needs to SHUT UP. Obviously she’s into Justin Bobby. Man, that boy must smell like pina colada and like, cash money for Kristin to be so into him, jesus christ. I mean, Blah dead balks at car keys, so I get why she liked him and his big shiny, ridiculous bike, but Kristin seems bitch enough to hit the road. Not the high road, the slutty road. But I digress…
No I don’t. Time for “Unwritten.” Puke.
After the ridiculously indulgent intro sequence, we see Blah dead in her posh kitchen meeting up with the deliriously stupid bulimia. Bulimia’s going to a Bullet House event with HBUD, but more importantly, Bulimia wants to know about Blah Dead’s date with her ex’s best friend. Classy, Blah Dead. But who isn’t classy on the hills? Man, it’s like pinky fingers and caviar aplenty.
Don’t forget my snaggle teeth.
Like, Blah Dead goes into, like how like, Derrick is like, the opposite of Justin Bobby and like, how she was like, with Justin Bobby she was like, insecure. Man, fecal choloform of the mouth, am I right? It’s polluting my television’s fine, fine programming!
OF COURSE, after Blah Dead’s big old speech, we learn Justin Bobby is texing her “is it really over?” Christ. I hope none of these people ever, ever, ever reproduce.
Especially the ones that rhyme with Pefanie Bratt
Over in Laguna Beach, Kristin is back to see who made her. Or at least one half of her DNA, her pop. Dennis, Kristin’s Dad, is already preparing for the arrival of his vapid offspring.
And this is my fifth bottle. (hiccup)
Ew, Dennis calls his daughter “babe.” Gross. And he has a wine and cheese plate for his daughter, and is alone in the house (wife’s teaching Yoga. Riiight). Gross. I bet Kristin and her dad kiss on the lips at social events.
The two make out…ahem, I mean, talk…at the kitchen counter. For the first time this season, Stephen and Lauren are mentioned. What? I thought they were dead.
Then, Kristin talks about how she’s been hanging out with Troll and Kristin’s stepmom comes home! What? She looks just like Kristin, only older and with more surgical work done to her face? Surprise surprise. In actuality, everyone on this show looks the same, and all the old people on the show look like the young people, with the shit kicked out of them.
Stupidity across generations
Then more gossip. Is Brody still as egomanical as he was in Laguna Beach. Short answer? Yes. Long answer? “Like, I dunno, he’s grown up like, so totally a lot and has changed in like the last four years…he’s like dating a playmate and is really deep.”
Then, the inevitable Justin Bobby update. He’s got a motorcycle. It was fun. He’s italian. He has sleazy tattoos. I know, he’s like a James Joyce novel waiting to happen, am I right? After all that, Kristin says that Justin Bobby’s not someone she would “bring home to Dad.” Uh….okay. Thanks for all the wasted airspace.
At Bolthouse (sorry, Bolthouse. Not Bullethouse. Don’t shoot me, MTV sponsorship) Spencer is rocking his cowboy douche-wear, par usual.
complete with douche-guilded douche-cross
Holly’s there and on her way to wasted. Huzzah! Holly takes a shot alone while Bulimia, Spencer, HBUD and Spencer’s douchebuddy all grimace and silently judge her. But she doesn’t care! That’s the beauty of alcohol!
Beautiful, outside and in.
Here’s HBUD looking like Michael Jackson, if he was alive and silently judging his sister…
Then there’s Paul Bunyan, who has sidled up to drunk Holly in order to make fun of her to her face.
Babe died of alcoholism, you know.
And now we’re judging in pairs.
Someone’s finally deflecting the ridiculousness off of us…
Then the harpy-patrol has an intervention.
Harpy patrol: “you definitely need to stop drinking.”
Drunk Holly: “I definitely don’t think Thaaaaaaat!!!”
I almost left out Bulimia, looking concerned.
Dude, whatever, Holly looks like she’s having way more fun than the usual gang of idiots.
Killer Zombie impression!
Trapped in a douchey party impression
Just good, old-fashioned peekaboo!
Ah, drunk bitches. They’ll never get old!
At Catherine Malandrino, which has some sort of snack bar attachment to the store (yeah, I’m really too rich and well-connected to know) Bulimia and HBUD talk about Holly and how Holly’s a filthy, filthy, disgusting drunk. And hey, know what makes people break bad habits? A Spencer Pratt-led intervention. Really? Great idea. HBUD?
Can’t talk. I’m busy perfecting my own look of concern.
At Kristin’s house, Justin Bobby is…cooking? Wait? Did he break in? Wow, this dude’s a keeper.
Kristin wants to know where the fuck Justin Bobby has been and he says…wait for it…OUT OF TOWN.
Dopey smiles are the ultimate aphrodesiac.
He was probably off to see his parole officer or some shit. Maybe a makeover? Nah, he looks like his same douchey self. You’re such a mystery, Justin Bobby!
At the Essex Public house, commence another awkward date…this one with Derrick and Blah Dead, who can’t stop talking about fucking Justin Bobby. Wow, sexy.
Memories…under lots of makeup.
Really, Blah Dead can NOT stop talking about Justin Bobby. Who would date her? Not only is her IQ at the level of retarded, she can’t stop talking about her fucked up ex and his new girlfriend. She SAYYYYSS she’s over him. Riiight.
Back at Kristin’s Malibu love den, Justin Bobby lost his comb.
Ah, the fine specimen of manhood everyone’s fighting over.
Kristin talks about how she told her dad about him….uh, so? Why? Justin calls Kristin a wild card…which is good for another person who shirks responsibility at every turn. Ah, a match made in dumb-person heaven.
Then, it’s intervention time with Spencer “Mr. Sensitive” Pratt and HBUD “Dumb as rocks” Pratt. HAHAHA- HOLLY GETS A MARGARITA AT HER INTERVENTION. Nice, never stop, babycakes. Never stop!
Ah, more silent judgement.
Spencer adds a nugget of wisdom during his span of judgement saying how his old middle name used to be Patron. Yeah, and you’d totally appreciate an intervention in those days, right, ass-nozzle?
Holly talks about that, if it’s an “occasion” she can drink. Then comes her Margarita. yes, even an intervention is an occasion in my book! I’m liking Holly more and fucking more!
HBUD, relax. Your implants might pop.
Holly listens intently to all the gobbledeygook.
Yeah, yeah, sure. Alcohol bad. Gotcha. Listening.
Then HBUD and Spence gang up on Holly. Drink more…I know i like it when my habits are being mocked. Yeah, I totally listen.
Still, she says she shouldn’t drink too much…and I’m sure she’ll uh, stop. After this next margarita. Totally.
Next, we go to Brody’s condo, when Kristin dotes on Brody’s weirdo-dog.
I got him because he matched the couch!
I guess Kirstin goes over to Brody’s to talk…about Jayde? Great. Brody tells Kristin that Jayde has nothing to worry about, and then Kristin gets told by Brody (I mean, navigating through all his douche-isms) that Justin Bobby isn’t good for her. And, that Blah Dead is gonna come after Kristin. Yeah, I guess…
Man, all this Justin Bobby talk has made me thirsty. Anyone wanna grab a drink with me, or five? Holly?
Then, what? Justin Bobby and Blah Dead meet up…in some weird cabana-area. Blah Dead called him here to “stop all the awkwardness.” Sure. Justin Bobby feigns being pissed about Blah Dead hanging with Derrick. Blah says she’s happy Justin Bobby is with Kristin, whereas Justin Bobby retorts that “we aren’t together.” Then he admits that a big part of him will always have a boner for Blah Dead. And that he’s never gonna say anything was better than BlahDead Patridge. And then she says she won’t talk to Derrick anymore!! What?
Ugh. Of course.
Again, please, Hills cast, NEVER reproduce.