I feel like a misogynist jerk for saying this, but I’m really enjoying the asshole mind games Jason keeps pulling on Laguna Beach. In any other situation, I’d be cutting him down for being immature or unkind to his girlfriend, but then again, in any other situation, we wouldn’t have Jessica, a girl so annoying she makes Melissa Rivers seem pleasant. This whiner needs to be gagged NOW. When you’re the most grating person on Laguna Beach, well, that’s not a good thing. Sadly, having met many women in the mold of young Jessica, I’m sorry to announce that she will unfortunately always be the broken-record drama-queen we see now. I therefore believe that instead of college, she should be shipped off to Greenland where she can live out the rest of her life annoying a flock of sheep or whatever local livestock they have over there. It’s only fair that the rest of us get to enjoy some peace and quiet for once.Speaking of peace and quiet (or lack thereof), the show began with our trusty narrator Kristin catching us up on all sorts of gossip. “I realized that being single senior year wasn’t that much fun,” she said. Also not fun: LISTENING TO YOU. But whatever. After this episode, Kristin seemed like the coolest person in America next to Jessica. Nevertheless, Kristin continued her recap: “So I started hooking up with Talan. Again. You know, friends with benefits.” Thanks for the update, Alanis.
Anyway, once the recap ended, we caught up with Alex M. and Taylor babbling about goldfish and black fish and ribbons and who knows what. For a moment I thought they were decorating the world’s gayest aquarium ever, but then it turned out it was just some elaborate scavenger hunt that would lead to the girls asking two guys to the Winter Formal (not nearly as exciting as a ribboned aqua-park, if you ask me). Soon discussion shifted to the girls’ dates, and we learned that Alex would be taking Jason because she had asked him prior to his sparkling courtship with Jessica. In anticipation of their big night, Alex gushed, “I’m so excited. I’m so excited. I’m so excited. I’m so excited.” Yes. You’re excited. WE GET IT!
Hilary Duff then sang her little opening ditty, and when we returned to the coastal community, we found Kristin in what seemed to be the back storeroom of a shoe store. WTF? She works now? What sort of Laguna Beach princess is she? Then again, I’m pretty sure she had a little job last season, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is that now in season two of Kristin’s life, she’s a superstar — a cultural icon, if you will. Celebrities don’t work!
Well, the point of this scene was not to examine the working life of America’s favorite high school senior. Instead, we were watching Kristin execute her complex and fancy ploy to ask Ian (yeah, I don’t know who he is either) to the formal. Her masterstroke: a red poster-board sign with the words “Winter Formal?” scrawled across it. And since this effort might have been underwhelming (especially compared to Alex M.’s piscine gestures), Kristin and her trusty sidekick Alex H. (a.k.a. Roz) festooned the room with rolls of streamers, as if to create some sort of crepe paper jungle. Finally, the girls erected their magnificent poster, causing Kristin to dole out a funny as she laughed, “I guess I’m gonna be right here and like ‘Yeah!’” I admit, I chuckled. Are these the first signs that I might actually alter my perceptions of Kristin? After all, as much as I bash her, a small part of me realizes that if I were hanging out at a bar with her, she’d definitely be solid with the people-watching commentary.
Anyway, while Kristin’s ploy to ensnare Ian (???) may have been a little ghetto, Alex M. and Taylor were sparing no expense. Those fish they were talking about? Yeah, they actually bought a few, put them in a bowl, and then left the poor things on some railing with a balloon attached (there was a momentary scare that the balloon might tote the fishbowl off into the heavens, but luckily Alex M. made sure all the fishies stayed safely on the terra firma of Laguna Beach. For the record, I would enjoy an all-fish rendition of The Red Balloon). Jason and Talan began working on their little scavenger hunt and hey look! Talan’s hair mysteriously grew completely back! Amazing! And to think it was just a week or two ago that he had so proudly buzzed it! Man, is he lucky to have such speedy hair! What’s that you said? This entire episode was completely presented out of context of the season? NO!
At the end of the big scavenger hunt, Jason and Talan came upon two giant refrigerator boxes on the beach, out of which jumped their girls, Alex M. and Taylor. Oh, the old jump-out-of-the-nasty-box routine! That’s always a classic. Especially when homeless people do it.
Over at Jessica’s house, Kristin and the gals sat bundled up on the porch, noshing on chips and salsa. Hey ladies, you all look frigid. Just go inside. It’s really okay. For some reason, we never get to see inside Jessica’s house. I think it’s because it’s probably small and normal looking inside. For shame! Anyway, the gals all gabbed over each other about the formal in this roundtable discussion from hell. Roz happily announced, “I’m excited I’m going with Jeff.” SILENCE ROZ! You shall speak when spoken to! Have you forgotten all the sidekick rules of engagement??
Then a pretty girl named Emily chimed in, telling Jessica, “You’re gonna have so much fun at Winter Formal. I can’t even explain how much fun you’re going to have.” Not as much as you’ll have, Emily, spending the next five years telling people, “I was the girl in that one scene of Laguna Beach. Remember? No?” This wonderful nacho moment ended with the girls suddenly cackling at the prospect of impending hair extensions. OMG! So EXCITED!
The next day (or month — who knows really?), Taylor et al. showed up at Medusa Salon to get their extensions. You know, call me old fashioned, but I wouldn’t trust a salon called “Medusa.” That whole snakes-for-hair thing kind of seems like a detriment. It’s like going to a gym called “The Marlon Brando Experience.”
Elsewhere in town, Kristin and sidekick Roz went to a non-Medusa salon to get their extensions. Maybe some of our female readers can explain this to me, but why exactly did Roz need extensions? Wasn’t her hair already long? I imagined that she was simply fulfilling her duty as a loyal sidekick, accompanying her master to any activity, even if it was completely illogical for her to be there.
Back at Medusa’s lair — or salon, technically — Taylor gossiped with her stylist. “Remember Kristin, Andrea? She’s gonna get extensions today too.” OMG! OM f’-in G!!!! OM (I just turned over a table, threw a vase against the wall) G!!!!!! That bitch is going down! Getting hair extensions also? No way. This may be Laguna, but it’s about to turn into Labitcha (forced, I know).
Just when we thought things couldn’t get worse, we soon realized there’d be a showdown at the nail salon. Yes, the very same place where LC and Lo locked horns with Christina and Morgan last season. You see, Kristin, Alex, and Jessica all needed acrylic nail treatments (like obvies!), but guess what?? SO DID ALEX AND CASEY AND TAYLOR! Women and children, LEAVE THE ROOM RIGHT NOW. This is about to get bloody.
Before we could enjoy this battle royale, however, we first needed to pause for our obligatory Jessica complaining: “Where’s my stupid boyfriend? GOD!” Uh, you know, hanging out with a less annoying person. (Or having sex with his sidekick Cedric. But we can’t verify that).
Anyway, after Jessica managed to annoy everyone once again, the three-person parade of Taylor, Casey, and Alex arrived, appropriately singing the classic Gwen Stefani line, “This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” Phony pleasantries and salutations were exchanged between the two groups, but things turned nasty (and by nasty, I mean Kristin gave a shocked look) when Alex casually said to her friends, “I’m like excited to go with Jason because he’s really fun. Like to go out with, anyway.” Cut to me rubbing my palms together with sadistic glee. Let the blood flow, BITCHES!
Unfortunately, since Laguna Beach isn’t actually The Real World, situations like these never escalate into “Why don’t you say that to my face, bitch!” confrontations. Instead, we were left with Kristin and Jessica exchanging disgusted scowls. Poor Roz was not allowed to participate in the facial expressions as this clearly was a Masters-only form of communication. Sorry Roz.
We then cut to commercial, and when we returned, we saw Kristin getting ready for the big dance. We even saw an invitation which revealed the formal’s theme: “Life styles [sic.] of the rich and famous.” Apparently, the kids rejected the more helpful theme, “Spellcheck of the rich and famous.”
Over at Talan’s house, the pitcher/catcher duo of Jason and Cedric changed into their formal wear, and in one of the odder moments of the show, Ced let out a strange, high pitched sound reminiscent of an 1895 locomotive whistle. I guess it was his way of telling Jason, “All aboard.” If you catch my drift… (if you can’t, you’re an idiot).
Anyway, the kids all piled into a limo (already quite the extravagance for a stupid winter formal) and then traveled to the house of some kid named Jake where a band (yes, a band) played on the lawn and parents all mingled together, taking pictures and acting as if their kids were boarding the Titanic. Back in my day, all we did for the winter formal was hop in a car and show up at the dance. Getting dressed in shirt-and-tie was hardly the momentous occasion that it apparently is in Laguna. Seriously, it was so low key that one year, a bunch of us went to a pizza parlor beforehand. Such was the exciting evening known as the “Snow Ball” (yeah, our formal had a punny name. Take THAT Laguna!).
At the pre-formal formal, everyone mixed and mingled, and we finally got to meet this mysterious Jake (he was also taking Jessica to the dance), and holy shit, this guy had red hair. I don’t normally take pause with red hair, but wow. It was like a Jew-fro gone Irish. I immediately feared that the camera would veer to the right and we’d discover this little tyke was none other than the unholy offspring of Carrot Top and Penny Marshall (let’s pray that we never see that, shall we?).
That’s quite the helmet. I hereby declare Jake, Darth Carrot Top
As much as I enjoyed looking at Jake the Carrot Snake, the cameras quickly shifted to more important things: namely, Jessica bitching yet again about Jason. This time, she was chewing out the ears of people so random, they didn’t even get titles. You know, if he treats you like such crap, just shut up and dump him already. But alas, if she were to do that, then what would she have to whine about? And if she had nothing to whine about, how would she be the center of attention? I wouldn’t be surprised if late at night Jessica wanders the streets of Laguna, complaining to any random strangers about her boyfriends. Even the bums run away from her: “Uh oh. Here comes that annoying girl again.” That is, of course, assuming there were bums in Laguna.
Finally, Jason showed up at the pre-formal and in a classy move worthy of our finest used car dealers, he made sure the top three buttons of his shirt were happily unbuttoned. It goes without saying, of course, that directly behind Jason was his sidekick Cedric, and honest to god, it looked like they were holding hands. Upon spotting Jessica, Cedric joked (but not really), “Run!”, but it was too late. She had already reeled in her man. It took about .03 seconds for Jessica to commence her bitching, but Jason simply smiled back at her, responding to her questions with patronizing charm. Finally, he told her that she had been difficult the night before, causing her to retort, “HOW WAS I BEING DIFFICULT??” I love when difficult people reply to the accusation of being difficult with a difficult response. I also love when dumb people show up on MTV. As you can tell, this was quite the moment for me.
Eventually, the action moved to the formal, and after we watched some dark, shaky footage from Cedric’s camcorder, we then moved outside where a pouty Jessica sat all by herself in the dark. GOOD. That’s where she belongs. Later, as people were leaving, Jason approached her, hoping to solve things with a simple “I love you.” The definitely-not-difficult Jessica replied angrily, “I’m sick of this. I’m sick of it all.” To which Jason replied, “Okay, I won’t talk to you.” And then he walked away. HA! In yo’ face! It’s very rare that I advocate a guy ever treating his girlfriend with such terse hostility, but man, she really needed a whole dose of shut-the-hell-up.
In the limo going back, we then witnessed possibly the most shocking sight of the evening: Roz got some ACTION! All together now: Go Roz! Go Roz! It’s your birthday! You look like Peri Gilpin! Go Roz!
Later, after everyone had changed into t-shirts and tried to get late night fast food, we found Jason passed out in the back of his limo. Oddly enough, the car was just sitting in a driveway, parked. I’m pretty sure most limos bust a move after they’ve dropped off their kids. I don’t know many drivers that would just sit there while one drunk kid slept in the back seat. But then again, this is Laguna Beach. Not much really makes sense.
Well, Jessica suddenly climbed into the limo and angrily woke up her boyfriend. She immediately peppered him with snippy and hostile questions, and at first the groggy Jason tried to silence her by saying he didn’t want to talk about “the situation,” but that was only fuel for the fire as Jessica bitched, “What’s the situation? Why don’t you tell me what the situation is? BLAH BLAH BLAH!” SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
At this point, Jason pretty much spoke for America, as he snapped, “You’re so f*cking annoying!” and as he headed towards the front of the limo, she all but wrestled him back to her, latching onto his arm and pulling tight. Somebody get this girl some Valium. I think we need to get that charter plane to Greenland ready.
The next morning, Roz and Kristin lay in bed together and talked about boys. Wow. Roz was by Kristin’s side even in the morning? In the same bed? Now that’s a GREAT sidekick! She’s a keeper, Kristin.
Elsewhere in Laguna, Taylor and Alex M. took a stroll near the beach. The two girls marveled at the tide, with Alex commenting, “I’ve never seen it like this before!” What? Three feet high? Alex then said, “Oh wait, I was looking at a traffic light. Yeah, the tide looks normal. Never mind.”
Meanwhile, Cedric and Jason passed away the afternoon with a sexually charged game of cards (loser had to be bottom). Cedric earned some TVgasm points for liberally bashing Jessica, calling her “a whiner. She pisses people off easily. She’s all drama.” Amen to that. You’re not so bad, Ced. Not so bad at all. Jason then revealed that he liked Alex M. and that he’d have to get rid of Jessica. YES! You know she’s gonna go all stalker on his ass too.
The show then ended with the stirring image of Jessica petting her cat, a silent rage seething through her eyes. Yeah, she’s an idiot. This is gonna get ugly.
Jessica to cat: “Why don’t you sit in my lap anymore? Tell me. Because I certainly don’t understand.”
What do you think? Will Jessica ever snap out of it?