Boregasm

Up until now, Last Comic Standing has been hard to recap, but not impossible. At least I had the challenges to make fun of. But now that we’re down to the final five comics, the entire hour is nothing but mediocre stand-up. And I don’t know about you, but few things are less funny than reading about someone’s comedy routine. Except maybe writing about said comedy routine. And then re-reading it to make sure you don’t have any typos. And then rewriting it because you realize your first attempt makes Stella look like Dave Chappelle. Except with stretch marks. And not the good kind either.

Let’s start the show…Tonight we’re broadcasting from the Pasadena Civic Auditorium. And what the hell is up with Anthony Clark’s makeup? It’s hard to tell in this picture, but he has on so much powder it makes him look like a Kabuki. A very, very sad Kabuki. If only he were as funny as a Kabuki.

Anthony tells us that tonight the comics will be giving the performances of their lives. But first…! The comics are making their way to the theater in what should be the most unforgettable ride of their lives. Unfortunately, it turns out to be one of the most unfunniest skits of their lives. (Yes, I know “most unfunniest” is grammatically incorrect. But that doesn’t make it any less true.) The whole idea is to make us think the helicopter is crashing because Josh is flying it. You know, cuz he has CP. Except it’s about as realistic as Jeff Probst’s machete-walk through Mark Burnett’s backyard the jungle.

Before the comics perform, Anthony brings them all out on stage one at a time. Josh gets the most love from the audience. Next, Anthony explains how tonight’s show will work. Each comic will get to do a five minute set. At the end of five minutes, their mic will be cut, so they best make sure they don’t run over. (He’s talking to you, CHRIS PORTER!) Then, you get to vote for your favorite comic. The comic with the least amount of votes will be eliminated. All in all, it’s pretty straightforward… Hey, wait a minute. Did he just say each comic will do a five minute set? Let’s see, five comics times five minutes, carry the 12, divide by one, that’s just 25 minutes! What the hell’s going to happen the other 35 minutes? Not more helicopter humor. Please God, anything but that…

It’s hard out here for a crip.

First to perform tonight is Roz. Or, as Anthony calls her, “the Harlem Globetrotters’ starting five and my baby’s mama.” Eh, I guess she’s better than helicopter humor. Lord knows she’s louder. And what the hell happened to her face? Did I miss her episode of Extreme Makeover: Comic Edition? If I did, thank Husband! Between Roz’s screaming and Ty’s incessant bullhorn abuse, an episode like that would make me want to adopt a Chinese baby off the Internets just so I could kick it to death.

I keed, I keed…

Roz starts off by saying she doesn’t have jokes, she has problems. Actually, she starts off by yelling that she doesn’t have jokes, she has problems. Then she tells a joke about the problems she has using an airplane restroom. For some reason, the censors bleep the word “ass” when she says she couldn’t wipe her ass, but let it through when she says she couldn’t reach her ass. Who’s running the bleep button tonight, Pig Vomit?

Roz is upset that fat men find her attractive. She likes skinny men who smoke weed. That way when he gets the munchies they’re on the same page. She’s also afraid to date white men, because they’re all serial killers who’ll bury you someplace where nobody will ever find you. At least that’s what I think she said. Even when it’s Roz screaming, it’s still kind of hard to hear when you’re digging a hole in your basement floor.

Roz finds thongs to be a bit uncomfortable. I bet they’re not as uncomfortable as having to listen to Roz tell a story about her thong, though. Roz also gets the award for “Most Awkward Segue” of the night, going from a bit about thong-creep to a story about avoiding bill collectors to a line about job interviews. She should really check out Doug Benson’s act sometime. That guy knows how to segue.

After the break, it’s Ty Barnett’s turn. In a brief bio bit, Ty talks about his two daughters. And shows us the world’s blurriest photo. He says his daughters know how important this show is to their future, and every joke he tells, he thinks about them. Man, I hope he doesn’t tell any ass-rape stories. Or do I…?

Serves Ty right for going to Glamour Shots.

Ty was surprised to find out how bad a reputation Chicago has for street gangs. And even more surprised that people think he has enough team spirit to belong to one. Next, he talks about how his preacher is trying to be all thug. His church doesn’t have a choir; it has a DJ. Who scratches the Lord’s name. His grandmother has a tattoo of “The Last Supper” on her stomach. Unfortunately, as she’s gotten bigger, she’s had to add people to fill in the gaps. Now it looks like “The Last Buffet.”

I guess Ty’s given up on getting any Red State votes.

Ty’s not against relationships. It’s just that he doesn’t like the games people when they break up. Women might leave behind a tennis bracelet or a pair of panties to remind you of them. Guys leave behind a son or daughter.

Next is a bit about Hurricane Katrina. It’s not really funny, but he gets props for joking about a natural disaster. If he’s still around next week I hope he pulls out some tsunami humor.

Finally, he ends with a funny riff on post-game interviews. Or in this case, post-sex interviews. It’s filled with double entendres and lots of innuendo, but he pulls it out in the end. So far, this is the best we’ve seen of Ty. Way better than Roz.

Chris and the Amazing Technicolor Asshat.

Chris Porter ran out of places to play in Kansas City, which is why he’s now living in Los Angeles. Personally, I think St. Louis might have been an easier move, but whatevs.

Right off the bat, Chris stumbles over his first line. And it sets the stage for the rest of his act. He’s still my favorite, but for some reason he just seems off tonight. A bit about glitter lotion is okay, although you knew he was going to talk about using it on his junk. He did get the word “chubby” past Pig Vomit, though, so the bit wasn’t a total waste.

A story about how he quit drinking to stop smoking cigarettes kills: “If you don’t know what it’s like to drink and not smoke, it’s like trying to poop and not pee.”

Snakes on a comic.

From there, he goes into a long riff on different religions. More God humor? NBC cannot be happy. The people he respects the most are those that handle snakes. After all, you have to have faith to dance around with a rattlesnake on your head. Although not nearly as much as you need to believe that this show – or this recap – is going to get any better.

Did someone say they’d like to hear some cripple humor? Then let’s bring out Denver’s own Josh Blue. Not only is Josh an accomplished comic, he’s also a member of the U.S. Para-Olympic Soccer Team. First he milks his disability for laughs, and now he admits he plays soccer? Josh keeps making it harder and harder for me to like him.

Anthony introduces Josh as “Paula Abdul’s neurosurgeon and my lover.” I think Anthony had a stroke before the show went on the air tonight. Overall, Josh has a strong set. His bit about taking a call from Gabriel during the middle of his routine is really smart, and shows he’s still writing new material, and not just regurgitating the same routine over and over again.

But then it’s back to more cripple humor. I don’t know why it bugs me so much. I mean, I do laugh at the guy. Then again, I just like laughing at the handicapped.

Unfortunately, he ends on somewhat of a down note with a joke about being the third wheel when your friends start dating. Still, Josh did really well tonight. So far, I’d have to put him a close second behind Ty.

Tonight’s final performer is New York City’s own Michele Balan. Cutting her comedy teeth in New York made Michele tough, as she says it’s easier to get a New Yorker to stab you than it is to make them laugh. Although I hear if you do something funny with the blood, you can get a weekend spot at Caroline’s.

Michele really wants to win Last Comic Standing because this could be her last hurrah. You see, her mother died when she was ten, and she feels like she has to do something for her mom. Winning this would make her mother proud. Man, Michele is friggin’ hysterical!

The makeover artists spent some serious time with Michele tonight too. She doesn’t look a day over recently deceased.

Overall, her set is just okay. A joke about being blamed for New York smelling like urine is funny, but since I’ve always blamed Michelle Collins for that smell, it’s like she’s stealing a little of Michelle’s thunder.

She also makes a Katrina joke. I just hope we get a Category 6 storm this summer so she and Ty will have some new material. A joke about Canada being on Military Time yet never going to war, and Celine Dion being Canada’s lone WMD, both get some well-deserved applause. And that’s about it.

We saw this woman laughing 15 minutes into the show…

And she’s still going strong 45 minutes later.
Either no one else is laughing, or the editors are just really, really lazy.

After Michele’s set ends, Anthony opens up the voting. And before going off the air, he says the two comics whose names appear at the bottom of the screen are currently last in the voting. One problem: there aren’t any names at the bottom of the screen. Had this been Tuesday night’s live episode, it might’ve been a forgivable mistake. But I’m watching the Thursday night rebroadcast on Bravo. Surely the suits at NBC caught the mistake. Or are they not watching anymore either?

Regardless, who do you think should be going home after tonight’s performance? Personally, I’d be happy with either Roz or Michele being eliminated. Although I wouldn’t lose any sleep if they gave Anthony Clark the boot either.