Comedy Isn’t Pretty

First off, let me apologize to the handful of TVgasm regulars still watching Last Comic Standing for missing my recap last week. As I’m sure I’ve complained about, I’m also recapping Rock Star: Supernova, which airs at the same time, so I don’t get to watch LCS until Thursday nights. Normally, that’s not a problem, but last week I had a big presentation Friday morning, and then got called away to a camping emergency up near Mount Evans over the weekend. By the time I got home Sunday night, I just didn’t feel like writing a Monday recap for a Tuesday show. So I didn’t. Yeah, I’m a lazy fuck. Seriously, I just lay there.

From reading the forums and catching the quick recap at the start of this week’s episode, however, it doesn’t seem like I missed much of anything except another chance to rag on Zoobabe’s favorite comedian, Gary Gulman. Since I’m trying to recapture some goodwill for missing last week’s recap, I’ll say something nice about Gary here: he’s funnier than colon cancer.

And Dane Cook. Yeah, I know I already used that joke in the forums. But do you have any idea how hard it is to recap a show that’s nothing but so-so comedy routines? At least the first few episodes had challenges; now I got nothing but mid-card performers who can’t even go blue for fear of starting another Tittiegate. Damn you Janet and your floppy breastesses!

Anyway…

Tonight’s episode starts off with more-manic-than-usual Anthony Clark sprinting across the stage to actual applause. I think he was so stunned by the fact that people were clapping for him that he resorted to an old cliché: “Who let the dogs out?” In and of itself, that wouldn’t be so bad except he answered his own question by saying “I’m guessing Mel Gibson.” Which doesn’t make a lick of sense, unless the crowd was chanting “Death to Jews!”

Which they weren’t.

What show is she watching?

Next, Anthony brings out the four finalists: Michele Balin, Ty Barnett, Josh Blue and Chris Porter. Who will be going home this week? We’ll find out after enduring the comedy stylings of Jay London. You might remember Jay from Seasons Two and Three of LCS. Which is unfortunate, because he hasn’t changed his act a bit since then. Evidently, he hasn’t changed his clothes since then either.

Jay’s act is best described as a cross between Captain Caveman, Debbie Downer and that dirty homeless guy who’s always taking a dump in the alley. Yeah, that one. Here’s a typical joke in Jay’s trademarked delivery: “I went out with a promiscuous female impressionist and she does everybody. I went out with a female… These are the jokes, ma’am. I’m sorry. Thank you.”

On the plus side, he’s funnier than Gary Gulman.

I just need 25-cents for the bus.

Remember when Anthony said he’d reveal the final three after Jay’s set? He lied. Because now we have to sit through five minutes of Caroline Rhea. This is bringing back bad memories of my time recapping The Biggest Loser. I bet if Matt’s in the audience he’ll start to cry.

Good times…

Caroline’s act is nothing to write home about either. Or, for that matter, to write a recap about.

Finally, it’s time to reveal who was eliminated after last week’s voting. So Anthony brings the comics back out on stage again. Only this time he does it in a different order: Ty, Michele, Josh and Chris. Does that matter? Not really.

I love this commercial.

You know, I tried to come up with a clever nickname for Anthony when he cuts people, ala the Hatchet Man or the Tommyhawk. First I came up with the Hack-it Man. Which I shortened to the Hack Man. But finally I just settled on Hack.

“Of the thousands of comics who began this journey, only these four remain,” Hack tells us. Man, that’s just sad. Josh is the first one to be spared. Next, Ty is given a reprieve. That brings us down to Michele and Chris. America voted, and decided that Chris is funnier than Michele. Smell ya later, Michele!

Four more jokes!

In her retrospective, Michele says she just wants to be recognized for years and years of working. I don’t. I’d rather get paid for years and years of working. I want to be recognized for sitting on my ass doing nothing. Which is why TVgasm is such a perfect fit. Well, sort of. We don’t really get paid anything. Except an occasional love offering. And when he’s in town, EdHill always leaves a dead bird on my front porch.

After the break, Anthony explains the rules for tonight’s competition. Each comic will get five minutes to perform. Considering there’s still 29 minutes left in the show, I’m hoping there’s going to be a lot of filler I can fast-forward through. After five minutes, Anthony says they’ll turn off the microphone: “That’s right, joke time is over. Finito. El done-o.” Thanks, El Hacko. At the end of the show, we can vote for our favorite comedian. As long as they happen to be one of the final three.

First up is Josh Blue. I don’t know if you know this or not, but I heard he has cerebral palsy. I wonder if he’ll joke about it in his act?

To his credit, he does have a few good non-cripple bits. One on global warming, another on parents spelling out words in front of the kids, and one on what it’s like being crippled.

Overall, I’m fairly disappointed with Josh tonight; this is one of his weaker performances. I’m afraid Ty and Chris are really going to have to choke big-time in order for Josh to make the finals. Still, as Stephen Hawkings once said, you can never underestimate the power of a good cripple joke. At least I think that’s what he said. It’s kind of hard to understand him through that voice thingamajig.

Next, Anthony tells us the voting is down to the final two in the online LCS competition. So next week, here on this very stage, it will be Theo Von versus Josh Wolf versus a bottle of Xanax. Which will knock me out faster? My money’s on Theo.

In Chris’s video segment, he talks about how when he first started out doing comedy there were a lot of people who said he wasn’t any good. And it’s still happening today! “Even last week,” he says, “there were a lot of people on the message boards who were blasting my set. Perhaps they didn’t see the standing ovation…” And this guy once ragged on the French for being pussies? Suddenly, me no likee Mr. Porter nearly as much. Hey Chris, we saw the buckets of flop sweat streaming down your forehead tonight. Are we allowed to talk about that on the internets?

Put your hands together for Floppy McSweatsalot!

Still, Chris ends up delivering a pretty strong set, jumping from how you should act while on mushrooms to how he disciplines his wiener to how stupid the government’s anti-drug propaganda commercials are. I just wish he hadn’t been so thin-skinned about a little criticism. It’s not like people said he was Gary Gulman or anything.

At the beginning of the season, Ty wasn’t even a factor in the show. But he’s really been stepping it up the last few weeks. Can he keep up his forward momentum? Sort of. He doesn’t take any steps backward, but he doesn’t make any leaps forward either. It’s pretty much average. The highlights: Ty doesn’t understand why seatbelts aren’t required on busses. Or why DVDs include so many deleted scenes. Or why The Cartoon Network is on 24 hours a day. Or why I’m still recapping this show.

“Dude, that was my skull! I’m so wasted!

It’s not all bad, though, as there’s just one more episode after tonight. Then it’s on to bigger and better things. Like Hannity and Colmes. That Hannity guy cracks me up! Actually, it looks like I’ll be recapping House this season. Yay Kat quitting!

Next week, Paul Rodriguez will be performing. And I have it good authority he’s twice as funny as pinkeye.

Anyway, that’s your final three: Josh Blue. Chris Porter. Ty Barnett. Who do you think will be cut next? More important, who do you think will win?