If I told you 5 + 5 = 12, would you believe me? What if I told you tonight’s group of winners is even unfunnier than last week’s group? Would you believe me then? Of course you would. This is Last Comic Standing, after all. The reality show where comics are advanced not based on their actual comedic chops, but rather their demographic appeal and potential for bringing drama. Don’t believe me? I’ve got two words for you: Stel La.
Anthony Clark comes out to introduce the show, which once again is held in the historic Alex Theatre. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised it’s in the same theatre, because it’s actually the same night as last week’s show, which became apparent when the comics from last week came out wearing the same clothes as last week. Unless the producers went all Survivor Results Show on us and made sure the contestants looked exactly the same as the last time we saw them. Nah, that’s giving the producers of this show too much credit. Let’s not forget they’re the same people who foisted Dat Phan on us. Of course, to their credit, even they seem to have realized what an unfunny tool he is, and now refer to him simply as He Who Cannot Be Laughed At.
Anyway, producers cue the theme song! It’s time to get our chuckle on…Tonight’s first comic is Gabriel Iglesias. He’s fat. So of course he tells a story about eating donuts. After leaving a Krispy Kreme, he gets pulled over by a cop. Cop? Donut? Bet you know where this is going, don’t you… Not so fast, buckaroo, because instead of the expected “cops love donuts” punch line, Gabriel reflects on the trauma of being anally raped with the cop’s nightstick. Jeez, one comic in and it’s already a Very Special Episode of Last Comic Standing. Okay, not really. He made the donut joke. But mine would’ve been a lot funnier.
Kristin Key is skinny. So skinny, in fact, she says a guy once said having sex with her was like humping a bag of coat hangers. It’s a good line, but I don’t know if it’s enough to get her into the house. (Incidentally, we find out later the house is actually a boat. That’s right, the contestants will be staying on the Queen Mary. If only Ant were on this year. I’m sure he’d have seamen jokes coming out of his ass.)
Moody McCarthy talks about music, telephones and computers, but to be honest I was so distracted by his ginormous ears that I didn’t notice whether he was funny or not. Since this is Last Comic Standing, the same show that gave us Buck Star and Gary Gulman, I’m gonna guess not.
Up next is Ty Barnett, who opens with some Hurricane Katrina humor. From there he compares the federal government with a pimp, which I totally agree with, as I seem to get bitch-slapped every year on April 15th. He could make the cut.
Nikki Payne reminds me of a lispier Molly Shannon. The first time I saw her (Nikki, not Molly), she annoyed the crap out of me, but tonight she was a little better. Of course, that’s like saying my B-cup set of bitch-tits is better than EdHill’s C-cup pair. Either way, they’re still bitch-tits. But whatevs. She ends her set by wrapping duct tape all over herself. When Kathy Griffin asks how she gets the tape off, Nikki says she pulls it. And it hurts. All in all, Nikki puts together a good set, but since we already picked the CP guy last week (or earlier tonight, depending on your perspective), she doesn’t have a chance.
Malik S. starts off talking about voodoo, which leads into a riff on high gas prices. He’s not bad, but he’s not great either. He does make me wonder if I should change my stage name to Copy G., however.
Brendan Walsh regales us with tales of his awkward high school years, including how he nicknamed his penis “Sasquatch,” because nobody ever saw it. I was expecting him to make a “Big Foot” joke, but maybe that’s too obvious. He also talks about female teachers having sex with their students, which, as you’d expect if you saw him, he’s in favor of.
Josh McDermott delivers a nice bit about “catch and release” fishing, which quickly veers into strangeland when he talks about shooting his girlfriend. I like this guy.
What stinks? Oh, my jokes.
Next we see Bruce Fine, who I believe is a stunt double on Little People, Big World. His bit about eating free samples in the grocery store is funny, but I don’t think he’s tall enough to ride the boat.
Rebecca Corry is also short (4′ 11″) and obviously has never seen an episode of What Not To Wear. She acts out a story about going to the gym which ends with a really awkward fart joke. Normally I love fart jokes, but for some reason hers left me feeling dead inside. When Garry Marshall asks why she got into comedy, she says she hates herself a lot. At least we agree on that.
Jon Fisch delivers a strong routine about the dangers of putting address tags on your luggage. Will it be strong enough to carry him on the boat? (Get it? Carry on? Next year I am so trying out for this show.)
Before going onstage, Bil Dwyer tells us if he makes into the house he’ll either be the gentle caretaker or a complete dick. I think he’ll probably be the guy who tries to sell everyone term-life insurance. He is just too smarmy looking. Plus he used to host Battle Bots. And as I’ve said before, having your own show should disqualify you for this one. Overall, his set is okay, but something about it makes me feel all itchy.
How to describe Stella Stolper, our next comic? Well, let’s start by agreeing never to use the words “Stella Stolper” and “comic” in the same sentence again. Unless it’s something like “Stella Stolper is the worst comic of both groups.” Which she is. This woman is just plain horrible. But she is pregnant, so I’m sure she’ll make it to the boat.
Up next is Mike Bocchetti, who combines the radio-friendly looks of talk show host Mike Gallagher with the comedy stylings of Jay London. Needless to say, this guy is not making the cut.
Gerry Dee has an obvious case of class clown envy, as he bases his routine on the nine years he spent as a high school teacher. While I don’t think he’s that good, I will give him props for working in a reference to the Mayans.
And while it’s true that everybody loves a spicy Latina, our next comic proves that not everybody loves a three-minute bit on a spicy Latina giving someone a hickey. Fortunately for us, Flip Schultz manages to save his set with a final joke about leprosy being the next weight loss fad. Unfortunately for him, I don’t think it’s enough to get him through this round.
Could someone please pull up Anthony’s pants?
Michele Balan talks about being the oldest comedian in the competition. The editing for her set seems off, though, so I can’t get a real sense on whether I like her or not. I’m gonna say no, which of course means the producers will vote her through.
J. Chris Newberg is a singing comedian. And he’s got the guitar to prove it. An act like this needs more than three minutes to get going, which is too bad, because his hatred for children makes me think he has potential.
Dan Levy wonders what could be worse than having a girlfriend cheat on you. Having gone through that experience myself, my first response is “nothing.” But after his set, I have to agree that listening to Creed is actually worse. He also talks about how wonderful it is to buy condoms, because that means you’re going to have sex. Unfortunately, it also means you’re going to have sex with a condom, and there’s nothing wonderful about that. Sorry Dan, you had me at Creed, but you lost me at reservoir tip.
Tonight’s final comic is Doug Benson. He’s another one who shouldn’t be in the competition, since he’s already been on television plenty of times. And it really shows, as he delivers a killer set. Still, rules are rules, so I have to vote against him.
After a commercial break’s worth of deliberation, Anthony Clark announces tonight’s winners: Gabriel Iglesias (who also won the Capital One Audience Favorite prize); Bil Dwyer; Michele Balan; Stella (WTF?!!); and Ty Barnett.
Before the losers can leave the historic Alex Theatre in Los Angeles, however, Anthony Clark announces there is a twist! (Of course there’s a twist. You can’t swing a dead Dat without hitting a twist these days. And believe me, I’ve tried.) Evidently, the judges had such a hard time agreeing on five mediocre comics, they’re adding two more comics to the mix. Yay! Unfortunately, the two comics they’re adding are Kristin Key and Rebecca Corry. Boo!
So that’s it. Your top
ten twelve comics are now ready to board the boat. Hopefully things will pick up next week once the real competition starts. What do you think of this week’s picks? Agree? Disagree? Care? And really, just how awful is Stella?