¡No Mas!

Previously, on Last Comic Standing…

Aw, who gives a shit. Really. Over in the forums, there’s been a total lack of outcry over the lateness of my LCS recap. And it’s the friggin’ season finale! Zoobabe even went so far as to offer to let me use her recap to save myself the trouble of having to sit through the last two episodes. And when Zoobabe offers to do something nice for me, you know the show ain’t worth watching.

That, or the Seventh Seal’s done been busted…I wish I had an excuse for the lateness of this recap, ala Umnata’s recent mea culpa, but the truth is the finale just plain sucked. Even harder than the regular season did. It took me this long just to work up my blood-alcohol level to the point where I could watch it, let alone recap it.

Fortunately, my TiVo didn’t record Tuesday’s episode, so all I have to recap is Wednesday’s season finale, which pitted Josh Blue, he of the cerebral palsy and bad hair, against Ty Barnett, he of the laid-back delivery and bad hat. (In case you care, Chris Porter, my favorite, was eliminated after Tuesday night’s head-to-head-to-head.)

Heresy!

Josh and Ty actually battled it out Tuesday night; tonight’s show is just to announce the winner. Which means we have to sit through 90 minutes of bad recaps and badder standup to find out which mediocre comic is less mediocre than the other. Looks like I picked the right week not to quit sniffing glue.

Hey, looks like I picked the right week not to quit amphetamines too, as they really helped me get through Anthony’s recap of the entire season up to this point. I’ll spare you the details, as I’m sure you want to get to the end of this final recap as much as I do.

Comedy isn’t pretty.

In the meantime, while Anthony’s recap is going on, I’m going to tell you something I’ve kept to myself all of these years. I was in the war, Medical Corps. One night they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He looked at me and said, “copygodd, the odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway. I’m glad. Captain made the right decision.”

That pilot’s name was George Zip. (Yes, the George Zip.)

He went on to say, “copygodd, some time when your readers are up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell ‘em to get out there and give it all they’ve got. And win just one for the Zipper. I don’t know where I’ll be then copygodd,” he said. “But I won’t smell too good, that’s for sure.”

Might as well jump!

Hey, looks like Anthony’s recap is over. Yay Red Bull and crank!

Here’s the lineup for the rest of tonight’s show: Dat Phan. John Heffron. Alonzo Bodden. And Jay Mohr. I’m so happy, I could shit. Although that could just be the chili we made for dinner.

Anthony introduces the two remaining comics: “You love him, Josh Blue.” And “the baller, the shot-caller, Ty Barnett.” Why doesn’t Josh get a cool nickname? It’s because he’s white, isn’t it?

Anthony Clark is such a racist.

Crazy-Eyes Killah.

Great, it’s time for a recap of the audition episodes. Actually, it is kinda great. I can’t believe some of these people didn’t make the show. Surely they had better material than Joey Gay.

More recaps of the comics’ time together on the Queen Mary. We did get to see Josh and Kristin play “Crotch Ball” so it wasn’t a total waste of time.

Anthony says he heard a rumor that the ship was haunted, and that something happened there that nobody has seen until now. I wonder if he has footage of Stella making someone laugh? Nope, just a lame séance skit. The dude running the séance can’t even do a good fake table bump. Maybe instead of trying to contact a dead girl, they should try to resurrect my interest in this show. Nah, they’ll have better luck talking to the dead chick…

Did you know there was a “Last Comic Downloaded” competition going on? If so, then you might care that The Real World‘s own Theo Von won. If not, you’re probably wondering who our next performer is. If I told you it was Dat Phan, would you want to hear more about Theo?

“You can’t see me!”

Tough, cuz I’m not talking about either of these guys. Aw, who am I kidding? Of course I’m going to talk about Dat. He is just goldarn awful. How the hell did he win the first season of LCS? I still can’t believe his mother didn’t claim he was a girl and drown him when she had the chance. And before I hear any crap about that being a racially insensitive remark, I invite you to watch Dat Phan’s act sometime. It’s nothing but jokes about being Vietnamese or his Vietnamese mother. I’m sure if Dat’s Mom could turn back time, she’d save herself the embarrassment and take my advice.

Actually, there is one funny part about Dat’s segment. And that’s revisiting the time when all the other comics in the house told him they were playing hide ‘n seek, then they let Dat hide and nobody went looking for him.

Okay, there are two funny parts. He bombed. Horribly.

“I left Vietnam for this?”

Next, we get a look at Season Two’s winner, John Heffron. I can’t believe he won either. Not because he wasn’t funny (he was, a little), but because Alonzo Bodden was clearly funnier. John’s set was okay. Although his bit about pee dribbles hit a little too close to home.

Alonzo Bodden won Season Three, aka The One Nobody Watched. While it’s not his best material, his set is clearly the best of the three previous winners. His bit about being shot in the face elicits a chuckle. Thankfully not enough of one to make me dribble pee or anything. His joke about how we’re raising nation of pussies is good stuff. Hopefully sg-dub was watching, so he knows what mistakes not to make.

“Does this head make me look fat?”

Jay Mohr is the next performer. I have real mixed feelings about Jay. He’s great when he fills in for Jim Rome, and his show Action was pure genius. However, he really went after some of my buds over at Cringe Humor a while back, and that’s pretty hard to forgive. Let alone forget. Plus, he created this show, which means it’s his fault I’m stuck recapping this shitty episode, which means I must hate him.

So just who is this season’s Last Comic Standing? We’ll find out, right after we see them both perform again. And watch a recap of their time on the show to this point.

First up is Ty, who starts off with an inside joke between he and Alonzo. Good thing the voting’s already done, or he just wasted ten seconds of my life. And we don’t take kindly to that kind of behavior ’round these parts…

Since I don’t feel like rehashing either of the finalists’ sets, I thought I’d share with you some advice a friend of mine once gave me about picking up girls. “First of all copygodd,” he said, “you never let on how much you like a girl. ‘Oh, Debbie. Hi.’ Two, you always call the shots. ‘Kiss me. You won’t regret it.’ Now three, act like wherever you are, that’s the place to be. ‘Isn’t this great?’ Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It’s a classy move. ‘Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice.’ And five, now this is the most important, copygodd. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

After Ty, it’s time for one last visit with Josh Blue. I know I bust Josh’s balls a lot, but I do it out of love. Not for his balls, but for his act. I just think he relies too much on his handicap for material. I know you’re supposed to write what you know, but all indications are Josh is really funny without having to rely so heavily on cripple humor. It’s like if I wrote every recap about my teeny Irish peepee. See, I’m Irish, which means I have a teeny peepee. But I don’t dwell on it in every recap. Instead, I talk about how much I drink. Because nobody ever talks about drunken Irishmen.

Speaking of drunks, Josh says his mom is the only person who can tell when he’s drunk. You know, because he always acts like he’s drunk. Because he has cerebral palsy. See what I mean?

“You like me! You really like me!”

Anyway, enough jibber-jabber: it’s time to find out the Last Comic Standing for Season Four… it’s Josh Blue! Josh Blue wins! Josh Blue wins! Josh Blue wins!

So what did you think of Josh Blue winning? Of this season overall? And while we’re on the subject, anyone want to call dibs on recapping Season Five?