Stella!!!!!

With the audition rounds finally over and the comics moving into the houseboat, you’d think this would be the week Last Comic Standing finally got interesting. And you’d be right. Sort of. Because while the drama was definitely kicked up a notch (I’m talkin’ ’bout choo, STELLA!), the comedy was still sub par at best. Not to say there weren’t good moments, but overall this season isn’t close to the beauty that was Season One, or even the girl-next-door bangability of Season Two. In fact, Season Four (don’t even ask about the abortion that was Season Three) is shaping up to be a big butterface, without the butter. Or the face. Still, it could be worse. At least we don’t have to listen to Ant…

Well, enough pontificating. I needs to get my grin on… Giggidy giggidy giggidy!!This week’s episode starts off with the comics riding the short bus to parts unknown. Rebecca is excited to be on the short bus, cuz she likes tiny things. Apparently, she also likes having the corner of the bus seat wedged firmly in her hooha.

Finally, the bus arrives at the comics’ house. Of course, as we all know by now, this season the comics aren’t living in an actual house. Instead, they’re on the Queen Mary. Yes, the Queen Mary. I don’t know about you, but when I think comedy, the first thing that pops to mind isn’t usually a ship in dry dock. I guess that’s why I’m just a lowly TVgasm recapper and not a bigshot NBC producer.

Anthony Clark greets the comics on deck, where he tells them about the challenges and activities they’ll be facing during the upcoming weeks. Evidently, they’ll put everyone’s comedic skills to the test. Which makes one wonder what challenge Anthony lost to be stuck hosting this show.

In addition, every week will feature a head-to-head stand-up competition between three comics. Not to pick nits, but wouldn’t a competition between three comics actually be head-to-head-to-head? Yeah, Anthony Clark is a dumbass. The winner will stay, the losers walk the plank. These competitions will go on until there are only six comics left, at which point America will vote to see who’s the funniest. Unless the producers disagree with our choice, in which case they’ll decide who’s funniest.

Alas, the honeymoon was over before it even had a chance to get started.

Josh (the CP comic) and Gabriel (the fat one) are roomed together, for obvious comedic effect. Stella and Roz are also roomed together, for obvious hormonal effect. While Stella thinks it’s funny that Roz has to sleep in a twin bed, Roz says she’d rather sleep on the dock than sleep with Stella’s whiny ass. “I must be worse than I thought,” says Stella. You have no idea, Stella. No. I. Dea.

At the dinner table, everyone is trying to size each other up while simultaneously tossing salads. Michelle gets a little weepy, and says the competition might be her last hurrah. Personally, I find it hard to believe she’s had any hurrahs prior to this one, but whatevs. Rebecca makes a toast and wishes all the comics good luck. Never one to let pass an opportunity to release her inner bitch, Stella gives a little toast of her own: “Here’s to taking you all down. It’s been fun, bitches!” Meow! Chris Porter then toasts to Stella being a bitch. Ooh, snap!

Speaking of Stella, she doesn’t think anyone at the table is competition. What the hell? Cancer is funnier than Stella. If my friend Mango were writing this recap, he’d call her an “unfunny whore.” But I don’t want to insult any whores who happen to like the ‘gasm. Hi whores!

After the break, the comics are introduced to our old friend the Gypsy Lady, a very creepy carny machine that spits out the challenges in the form of a fortune. “Boo me once, shame on you. Boo me twice, it’s going to get ugly. “ is this week’s fortune. JoeyGay thinks the ship is haunted, and the card has something to do with ghosts. I hope so, cuz I can’t wait to see the ectoplasmatic boogaloo the ghosts put him through if he trots out that lame Palestinian baseball player bit again.

The comics gather in the Queen Mary Comedy Club, where Anthony explains the challenge: it’s all about the heckle. Each contestant will be paired up to perform and heckle each other. The audience, meanwhile, gets to select the best performer and the best heckler of the night. The two winners will both receive immunity. The pairings are random, with Anthony pulling the following combinations out of a rubber chicken: Josh/Chris; Kristen/Michelle; April/JoeyGay; Gabriel/Bil; Stella/Ty; and Rebecca/Roz.

Chris says he’s a good heckler, but he can’t decide if he should poke fun at Josh’s cerebral palsy, as he doesn’t want America to hate him for picking on a cripple. Uhm, Chris, Josh’s entire act is based on having CP, so I think you’re safe. Kristin is excited to play her favorite game in the whole wide world: hurting people’s feelings. I love that game, especially the way my Dad played it with me every day for four straight years. Good times…

First up are Josh and Chris. The play off each other really well, even though Chris passes on making fun of Josh’s disability. Pussy. Kristin and Michelle have a good repartee too, with Kristin comparing Michelle’s face to a catcher’s mitt. I think Roz has a few good slams on Rebecca, but between her constant yelling and the producers bleeping out every other word, I’m not sure. Stella calls Ty “Snoop Dogg”. Ty comes back with the best line of the night, that he can’t believe he’s getting heckled by Ho-sanne. Bil gets in a nice bit about Gabriel’s mother still being sore from his delivery. The last comic to heckle in the first round is JoeyGay, who inexplicably decides not to heckle April. At all. He feels good about his decision, too, telling the other comics he’d rather win on his own merit than shit on her crap. Yeah, except that’s the whole point of the challenge, chucklehead. On a somewhat unrelated note, does anyone know if there’s a name for people who like shitting on other people’s crap? If there is, I bet it’s German.

“Get in me belly!

After the break, the roles are reversed. Gabriel just laughs uncontrollably through Bil’s entire set, which is good, because nobody else was. Rebecca keeps calling Roz Mo’nique. JoeyGay does his Palestinian baseball pitcher joke. Again. April heckles him a little, and JoeyGay goes JoeyNuts. He is not happy about getting heckled. Kristin and Michelle work well together again, ragging on each other’s age and wardrobe. Josh tells Chris he’s never seen a white Ethiopian before, which I guess makes sense if you have CP. Chris delivers the second best line of the night, saying he can’t believe he just got heckled by Screech.

Finally, the audience gets to vote on the best comic and the best heckler. Roz wins the best heckler, which only makes sense if the audience was judging on volume. Chris wins the best comic, beating out Kristin by one vote. That means Chris and Roz have immunity from tomorrow’s competition. Unfortunately, they don’t get an immunity idol or necklace. If’n it were me, I’d make them wear a necklace of rubber chickens and seltzer bottles.

Nope, still not funny.

After talking about what the day has in store for them, Chris Porter is seen ironing his shirt. A none-too-subtle shout-out to Rich “The Don” Vos, from Season One? Or just a shortage of decent Chris Porter footage? Meanwhile, Roz tells Michelle she doesn’t want any drama today. Cue Stella! Evidently, she’s been telling people that Roz farted in their room. “I never farted in her presence,” says Roz. If only they could challenge each other to a shin-kicking contest.

Later, Anthony Clark welcomes the comics to the boiler room, where it’s time for the comics to vote. Here’s how it works: each comic has to challenge another comic by saying “I know I’m funnier than….” The comic with the most votes then gets to pick two comics to face off against. But they can only pick from the comics who challenged them. So if you say you’re funnier than someone, you better mean it. Got it? Good.

After all the comics have voted, AC plays the clips for them, so they can see who voted against them. And why. Roz goes after Stella. No surprise there. Chris says he should vote for Stella, but he votes for Michelle instead. A budding alliance? Or just bad gas? Ty goes after Stella. Bil says he knows he’s funnier than Ant. But really, who isn’t? Besides Stella, of course. Bil then picks Michelle. Rebecca goes after Bil. Michelle picks Stella. Stella, meanwhile, picks April. Josh goes for Stella. Kristin picks Michelle. April thinks she’s funnier than Michelle. JoeyGay goes after April, but not before making a bitchy little speech about the heckling challenge. “I know I’m funnier than April. I don’t want any appearance of favoritism. The courtesy I extended her by not heckling is a courtesy I would’ve extended to any comedian in this house. But if it’s me and her on stage, I’m going to mop the floors with her.” I’m surprised he didn’t hit her with his purse. Gabriel draws names from a hat, which clearly earns him the title of Asshat for the Week of June 19th. He picks Rebecca. That means Stella and Michelle are tied with four votes each. They have to decide which of the comics that challenged them they want to take with them in the head-to-head-to-head. After palavering for a moment, they select April.

JoeyGay squats to JoeyPee.

After the vote, April tells us she’s the strongest. “I have no business in comedy if I can’t beat those two.” Stella, meanwhile, is bitching about Roz being all talk and not wanting to take the challenge. Uhm, Roz had immunity, Corky. She couldn’t compete this week.

Still with me? Lucky you, because we still have the head-to-head-to-head competition to get through. It takes place at the famous Last Comic Theatre in Los Angeles, which to the untrained eye looks a lot like the historic Alex Theater in Los Angeles. To the trained eye, however, it looks exactly like the historic Alex Theater in Los Angeles. With a snazzy new marquee.

Hell’s marquee.

Before the joke-off, the comics talk about their chances. Stella doesn’t feel any pressure. She’s just excited about the chance to go out and entertain the crowd. Michelle’s excited and nervous about being told America doesn’t like her. And April simply says she’ll shoot herself in the face if Stella wins. For the first time tonight, I find myself rooting for Stella.

Anyway, rather than give a joke-by-joke-by-joke recap, I’ll give you the short version: Stella sucked hard. Really hard. Michelle sucked a little less. April sucked somewhere in between the two. Guess who just turned in their application at McDonalds?

The most surprising part, however, has to be that Michelle won with 83% of the vote. What the hell was that audience smoking? And where can I get some?