Stop Me If You’ve Heard This Before…

Last Comic Standing

By copygodd | Wednesday, June 7, 2006 | 3:06 pm | 28 Comments

haha.jpgOkay, I realize the fourth season of Last Comic Standing actually started last week, but I missed it because I was on vacation and our cruise ship didn’t get NBC. And while NBC was kind enough to do a one-hour recap of last week’s two-hour extravaganza, recapping a recap is too meta even for me. Besides, trying to do a funny recap of a show that’s actually supposed to be funny in the first place is harder than you’d think; fortunately, a lot of tonight’s comedians just weren’t that funny. Speaking of which, it’s time to meet this season’s host…

Anthony Clark (of Yes, Dear fame), welcomes us to the historic Alex Theatre in Los Angeles. Yes, the Anthony Clark. Evidently, Jim Belushi was too busy. He promises us tonight’s show is going to be “a lot of laughs”, but judging by the look on his face, it looks more like he’s promising us a lot of the Cherry Pepto dance. Still, even that would be funnier than an episode of Yes, Dear, so count me in. During the opening credits, I noticed that the show’s original host, Jay Mohr — despite not being involved in this season — still managed to get a Consultant credit. Funny thing about Jay Mohr: I liked him better when he was Denis Leary.

Hey, did I mention that tonight’s competition is in the historic Alex Theatre in Los Angeles? Just once? Then I’m still one behind AC, who’s already mentioned it three times in the first 90 seconds of the show. I guess that’s to be expected, as we all know mentioning the historic Alex Theatre in Los Angeles is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!
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A quick explanation of how the show works: Tonight 20 performers will battle it out for the first five spots in the LCS house. Next week, another five contestants will be selected. The ten lucky comedians will then live together and have a weekly joke-off to see whose comedic kung-fu is the strongest. That person will win an exclusive NBC talent contract, a standup special on the BRAVO network, and, most importantly, the title of Last Comic Standing. And we’ve all seen how well that’s working out for Dat Phan.

Judging tonight’s show are the hiLARious trinity of Garry Marshall, Kathy Griffin (yay!) and Tim Meadows. No, seriously. Tim Meadows. Each comic gets three minutes to perform. Once the three minutes are up, the mic is turned off, whether they’re in the middle of a joke or not. Further proof that Anthony Clark ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit.

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I’m melting!

Our first comic is Vargus Mason. His set is a bit schizophrenic: it starts out talking about how hard it is to be a “sensitive brother” before segueing into a series of strange faces and voices. He wonders why people listen to the crazy voices in their heads and not the normal, sane ones. I wonder why he didn’t listen to the voices telling him to write better material.

Next is Kira Soltanovich. She seems a bit manic, and points out the “Hebrew situation” going on with her face. Hebrew situation? Oh I get it, Jews have big noses. Next, she talks about moving in with her boyfriend. He’s Irish-Catholic, so she’s worried that if they get married, she’ll have to convert to alcoholism. Wow, two jokes in and two ethnic stereotypes. Will she hit the racial hat trick? Nope, she ends safe with a bit about dolphin sex. I didn’t even realize dolphins had nipples. Yawn.

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The nose knows.

Theo Von is up next. Or, as he was known on MTV’s Road Rules, Theodor Capitani Vonkurnatowski. Poor Theo. If only he hadn’t been booked on every season of Road Rules he might have had the opportunity to learn the first rule of comedy: be funny.

Jackie Kashian’s father is a traveling salesman, and that’s where she gets all of her material. Some of it’s actually pretty good, but Tim Meadows really seems to like her, so she has as much chance of winning this as a CTU hard perimeter has of stopping its intended target. Smell ya later Jackie!

The next comedian, Chris Porter, looks like a hairier version of my friend Exner from back home. And just like Exner, he hates French people, which makes him doubleplusgood. Unfortunately, just as he’s building to his big payoff, his three minutes run out and they cut his mic. Talk about jokus interruptus. I hope that doesn’t hurt his chances, as he’s been the funniest so far.
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Meet Roz, our first one-named comedian of the night. Roz appears to suffer from the same voice modulation problem as Will Ferrell’s Weekend Update character. Her set revolves around her day-job helping prostitutes work on their resumes. Parts of it are a tad predictable, but still funny. I bet she goes on, as she has great hair.

Next onstage is David Huntsberger. His act is all about the Pope. Next…

Saleem is a black man married to a white woman. Oh boy, I hope he riffs on the differences between black and white people. That stuff never gets old. Actually, he talks about trying to find ways to bring up the fact that he has a white wife into conversation. It’s pretty funny stuff, but I’d like to see if he has any other material.

Doug Mellard is another short white guy in the David Huntsberger mode, with one major difference: he’s funny. His timing and delivery reminds me a lot of David Spade, but I won’t hold that against him. Primarily because he doesn’t have Spade’s hair. I hope he makes it through.

Lord of the Dance.

Josh Blue has cerebral palsy. This is great, because I’ve been jonesing for some good CP humor ever since Geri left The Facts of Life. What do you bet he wins the “Capital One Studio Audience Sympathy Vote Favorite” prize?

Matt Fulchiron has the laid-back delivery and fucked-up nose of a Wilson brother. He’s not bad, but I don’t think he has the stage presence to get to the next round.

Josh Wolf has three kids! And kids are expensive! And that’s why he needs to win! I hate this guy already. He ends with a bit about an uncircumcised penis, but having never seen one myself, I don’t know how funny it is. EdHill?

Nikki Glaser is 21 and goes to school in Kansas. She looks like a female Ann Coulter. But unlike Ann, she’s funny on purpose. And despite her resemblance to America’s favorite conservative trannie, I like her. Anyone who starts off with a date-rape joke is alright by me.

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Chip Chinery, Chip Chinery, Chipchincheroo…

April Macie, a hot, cynical and bitter redhead is next. I honestly don’t care if she’s funny or not; she already has my vote. Which is a good thing for her, because it turns out she’s not that funny.

Despite all his rage, our next comedian is still just a rat in a cage. Yes, it’s John Roy, tonight’s winner in the Billy Corrigan look-alike contest. He’s funnier than a Smashing Pumpkin lyric, but that’s a pretty low bar.

Wild Willy Parsons looks like a biker and spent nine years in jail. He has two kids and he wants a house, only he hasn’t figured out how to steal one of those yet. Two words, Willy: Ken Lay. He also earns bonus points for sporting a Frank Marino & Mahogany Rush t-shirt. I hope he makes the cut, just for the intimidation factor alone. Can you imagine how much more fun Season One would’ve been had Wild Willy shared a room with Dat Phan?
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Tig Notaro, who reminds me of a cooterized Steven Wright, is up next. She delivers a good set, but she really shouldn’t be allowed in this competition since she’s already has her own special on Comedy Central. There are other comedians who need this more than she does. Take Modi Rosenfeld, our next comic, for example. He tells us he really needs the break that winning would give him. Turns out what Modi really needs is material. Although I do wonder how he knows what compressed sand from a camel’s ass tastes like.

Joey Gay is tonight’s last contestant. He lives over a funeral home in Brooklyn. “Can you get any hungrier than that?” he asks. Great, zombie humor! I already love this guy. He’s a weird amalgamation of Howie Mandel, Adam Sandler and Gilbert Gottfried, which is actually a lot funnier than it sounds. I think he’ll make it to the next round as well.

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We’re gonna live forever!

After the break, AC introduces this week’s winners: Chris Porter. April Macie. Joey Gay. Roz. And Josh Blue. And just as I predicted, Josh also wins the “Capital One Studio Audience Sympathy Vote Favorite” prize. You just know he’s going to blow the $1000 on midget porn. I would.

So what do you think? Are the first five the right five? If not, who should be there instead?

About

28 Comments

  1. 1
    zoobabe
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 3:26 pm

    I thought that Josh was the funniest of the night. Chris was good too, even with his joke getting cut off at the end. I also liked the pope jokes but I’m just sick like that. Theo had one good joke, but then he ruined it by trying to talk “street” and came off looking like a K-Fed wannabe. The best part was seeing the losers faces at the end. You could tell that some of them were NOT happy.

  2. 2
    Blue
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 3:28 pm

    Why did April Macie get picked- she was not funny.. I liked Salim more..

  3. 3
    james_woods_rules
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 3:34 pm

    Great re-cap copygodd!

    I am kind of irritated that April made it and Doug didn’t. She is NOT funny and Doug pretty much was. Kinda crap.

    I laughed out loud, though, when that dude said, “we should take my cracker wife’s car”, good stuff! Oh well, I love this show and hopefully April will be out soon.

    Also, am I crazy, but didn’t they totally pull the rug over Dat Phan? They only talked about season 2 and 3 winners……

  4. 4
    hannahthehun
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 3:52 pm

    April Macie was not funny and her delivery is weird. That blonde chick was much funnier.

  5. 5
    Pie
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 4:24 pm

    I didn’t think April was very funny, but I did like her personality. That still doesn’t change the fact that this is “Last Comic Standing”, not “Last Best Person Standing.”

    I find it very disturbing that you keep saying Josh won because of a sympathy vote. I could understand you saying that if he wasn’t very funny, but in my opinion he was one of the funniest comedians of the night. Just because someone has a disability doesn’t mean they can’t earn anything on their own. Okay, I’m stepping down from my soapbox now, I just had to throw that out there. I still love you copygodd!

  6. 6
    JayhawkAnne
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 4:31 pm

    Chip Chinery, Chip Chinery, Chipchincheroo…

    Thank God you brought that up. I was so afraid I was the only one who had that blasted song running through my head all night long. Unfortch, as soon as I finally got it out of my head, I read the recap and now it’s stuck in my head again.

    I can just hope that the next two recaps have a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang reference and a mention of The Sound of Music to go for the Julie Andrews trifecta. Please, oh please. That would so make my day!

  7. 7
    tikilights
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 5:29 pm

    All I want is for Doug Benson to get into that house next week. The guy is awesome

    I also like Chris Porter. I don’t get why April got through, but I don’t find many female stand-ups that funny,so…

  8. 8
    criscogirl
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 6:20 pm

    Does anyone think that NBC is completely stupid for showing two Kathy Griffen shows at the same time? When they mentioned the stand up special on Bravo, I remembered that there was something I wanted to watch that night. But then when they showed Kathy Griffen I totally switched channels to see the premiere of her show.

  9. 9
    BigTeebo
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 7:07 pm

    It was weird to see recognizable faces on that show. THe cerebral palsy guy was on Mind of Mencia, and we saw “skippy” from Family Ties. Macie is hot. She could do modeling if her comedy gig doesn’t work.

    Highlight of the show: THe guy with the guitar that went “doyyy!” like he had torette’s syndrome.

  10. 10
    antebellum
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 7:15 pm

    I just love that her name is Roz. (Laguna Beach recap reference. Yay!)

    I seriously didn’t realize that Josh Blue had cerebral palsy, but I guess I wasn’t paying much (read: hardly any) attention. And Theo’s act was quite bad, even though I’m ashamed to say it took me awhile to get the “milk and eggs” joke.

  11. 11
    munchichi
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 7:29 pm

    April only made it into the house because she’s Gary Gulman’s girlfriend.

  12. 12
    copygodd
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 8:28 pm

    thanks all.

    and thx for the tip, munchichi. the hottie factor (which i fell for) is the only reason why april made the cut, as she’s not funny in the least. of course, neither was gary gulman, and look how far he got last year.

    and pie, my wife also thinks i was too hard on josh and his cp humor. i’ll admit, he’s funny, and based on the competition last night, he probably deserves to be in the house. but i want to see him do something else. it’s like if edhill were on the show and his only schtick was making fun of his tiny peepee. we get it ed, you have a small weiner. now make a joke about something else.

  13. 13
    gt
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 9:08 pm

    God does not like Theo Von. Severe thunderstorms and high winds knocked out the NBC feed just long enough for us to miss his entire act completely.

    But, I guess now we’ll be going down to his job telling him how to make a latte.

  14. 14
    zoobabe
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 9:38 pm

    OH MY COPYGODD!!! I can’t belive you hate my fave comedian (Gary Gulman). I think he’s hysterical. Yes- April is his girlfriend, but she’s fuuny too and even you said that she got your vote either way so don’t hate the producers for trying to put some “balance” in the house.

  15. 15
    zoobabe
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 9:41 pm

    ^you pissed me off so much I typo’ed all over myself!

  16. 16
    jem
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 10:38 pm

    Hey, did I mention that tonight’s competition is in the historic Alex Theatre in Los Angeles?……we all know mentioning the historic Alex Theatre in Los Angeles is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!

    This cracks me up every time they mention this, because last time I checked, the Alex Theatre is located in GLENDALE. I may be new to the LA area, but I think I know when I am in Glendale vs. LA!

  17. 17
    southernbelle
    Posted June 7, 2006 at 10:55 pm

    Am I the only one who thinks the Kira chick was Molly Shannon?

  18. 18
    amy303_1/2
    Posted June 8, 2006 at 3:54 am

    I too sang “Chip Chinery, Chip Chinery, Chipchincheroo” aloud when I saw his name and my husband and sister-in-law just looked at me like I was some big dork. I mean, I know I am, but they didn’t have to look at me like that. I wish a few different people made it through, The blond girl, Nikki is the only one I can thgink of right now.
    And Southernbelle, I thought that one girl was a lot like Molly Shannon too.

  19. 19
    mellymel
    Posted June 8, 2006 at 6:49 am

    Did anyone notice Timmy from road rules was in the audience? He was probably there because of his boyfriend Theo///

  20. 20
    whawha
    Posted June 8, 2006 at 9:42 am

    The one thing I didn’t get:

    What was up with Anthony Clark’s makeup? Ruby red lips, rouge and a mascara adventure that put Alex in A Clockwork Orange to shame…I kept expecting a pay-off to the sight gag, but then realized that the stylist musta just been tipsy…

  21. 21
    Tracie
    Posted June 8, 2006 at 11:05 am

    The really annoying thing about Anthony Clark was – not only how many times he mentioned the name of the show, but how he said it.

    “This is…Last….Comic….Standing.” EVERYTIME!

  22. 22
    Sher
    Posted June 8, 2006 at 11:09 am

    So did I – I had hoped I wasn’t the only one. LOL!

    Yep, sitting right next to Jenna Lewis, Reality TV Whore Extraordinare.

  23. 23
    Sher
    Posted June 8, 2006 at 11:12 am

    Well, dammit, my copy/paste didn’t work.

    First line in my comment #22 was in reference to the ‘Chip Chinery, Chip Chinery, Chipchincheroo’ song that a lot of us apparently sang.

    Second line was about Timmy and his old ass out in the audience. Jenna Lewis was sitting next to him.

  24. 24
    LeesahK
    Posted June 8, 2006 at 8:34 pm

    That Kira chick is from the show “Girls Behaving Badly.”

  25. 25
    davidgrote
    Posted June 9, 2006 at 10:18 am

    When she first walked out, didn’t Kira remind anyone else of Tammy Pescatelli? Maybe it’s just me. Also, was LC in the audience, or was it just some other vapid blonde? Liked the 21 year old (love date rape jokes) so much more than April, who is not at all attractive. She looks like a giant annoying cheeto. Boo Macie.

  26. 26
    Buttafly94
    Posted June 10, 2006 at 11:51 am

    Theo’s act was quite bad, even though I’m ashamed to say it took me awhile to get the “milk and eggs” joke.

    I still don’t get the joke!

  27. 27
    davidgrote
    Posted June 12, 2006 at 7:38 am

    Buttafly – Women have milk in their boobs and eggs in their ovaries, which is practically an omelette, or so the warped logic goes.

  28. 28
    frogintheboat
    Posted June 13, 2006 at 9:32 am

    I just loved Wild Willy. Only dude I had a gut laugh for. I mean, the ass jokes!

    Especially that line about the one time that he had looked in his own ass was when he was drunk and playing twister…

    A ahahahhaahhahahha

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