Launch My Line–and Be a Bitch While You’re at it!

Welcome back, all! I see you all loved (or loved to hate) the first episode of Bravo’s latest adventure. I know many of you were sad to see Dan JuJitsu go, but them’s the breaks in the fashion merchandising reality show biz. (By the way, even if it’s not pronounced “karate”, I think it’s a contrivance to pronounce it any other way!) Anyway, let’s go see what these toolbags were up to this week!Ah, breakfast. Time to size up the competition, discuss the biggest fuck-ups from the past challenge, and suck on a strawberry or two. Lou Rawls tells her designer that she wants to win EVERY challenge, and his massive head blinks up at her, “I’m just not that competitive.” Helpful, that one. Lou looks at him like, “Hey, doofus, you DO know this is a competition, right?”

Andrews Oakley, Squared, waltz in, wearing their saloon finest. They congratulate Lou on her win, and Roberto, Flamebrow’s partner, speaks up, “just to criticize.” Now, I don’t know about you, but when I want to criticize someone, even if I have something truly nasty to say, I don’t say, “I just want to criticize.” That doesn’t soften any kind of blow. No, I say, “Well, to offer a little constructive criticism,” or “Hey, something I noticed was…”. That helps the person to understand that I’m not being a combative asshole, just a critical one. Well, no such worries on Roberto’s part–he IS a combative asshole.

And he says, “hey, just to criticize… your dress? It’s a Calvin Klein dress.” Lou is like, “Eff. You. It’s my design.” And he’s like, “I’m just saying! It’s not original!” HA! I think he thinks there’s a language barrier he can hide behind, having been born on a volcano and just barely having an accent, but nope. No, he’s just a regular old asshole like the rest of us. His main criticism, to give it some genuine thought here, is that her dress wasn’t couture, it wasn’t original, etc. Roberto seems to be missing the point of the show. It’s not about fashion or art; it’s about sales and merchandising. I’m a fashion idiot and even *I* know this, Roberto.

Okay, enough about him. I saw the previews enough time to know that he’ll be back, front and center, again soon.

Duh Squared are explaining this week’s challenge, for the second piece in the designers’ line. This week, they’ll need to create a daytime look for the beach. They explain that each week, the designers will be given a new “element” (?) as well as a fashion inspiration for their design. This week’s element is “trend forecasting.” Some designers use forecasting agencies, who act as eyes and ears on the world to help designers hit the trends. Peggy Bundy nods her head so knowingly, you’d think she invented trend forecasting. I love it when people who feel like experts let their expertise leak out passive-aggressively.

The designers are introduced to Sally Lohan, one of these trend forecasting experts. She is standing there dumpily in a floral shirt, cheap plastic bracelet, and skinny jeans. I am not inspired. Anyway, she and her adorable British accent explain the 2010 spring trends, which are earthy (but bright) tones, such as “tuh-MAH-to red, grass green, orange”. She also speaks of romantic jellyfish silhouettes (jellyfish??) and butterfly cuts.

Lou Rawls is excited, because these trends all hit her colors for her line, the stuff she already bought. So, she’s all set! Winner declared now. Now Peggy Bundy is letting more of her expertise leak out, as she tells us, excitedly, how these trends aren’t even in stores yet, and that she truly believes in this forecaster–they are indeed glimpsing into the future.

So, each of the designers must incorporate one of those silhouettes into his or her design. DeanDan pull out a table full of fabric for the designers, too. It’s all orange, varying shades and textures.

They call Lou Rawls up–she gets to pick her fabric first. She also gets to decide the order for the rest of the designer’s choices. Well, well, well. Does Flamebrow get burned by his partner’s arrogance? This is also exciting, because it gives the contestants a chance to bite back at each other a little bit.

Lou calls Feather Earrings up to choose first. Lou says Feather Earrings is her biggest competition, but she also respects her talent. What talent? Anyway, up next is Music Douche, Costanza, Flamebrow (who was fixated by the orange satin), DJ Mr. Rogers, Latifah, Peggy Bundy, with Lady Gaga bringing up the rear. DonDoon ask Lou why she chose Gaga for last, and she was like, “oh, no reason.” But then she tells us, SHHH, that she picked in the order of who was most real, genuine, and nice. BURN! HA! Gaga looks half-batshit, by the way. Maybe 60% batshit.

Oh no, she just interviewed with that AWFUL hair trend of having a headband go horizontally around your head, over your bangs. I HATE that.

The designers are heading to Venice Beach for their inspiration this week. No experts allowed! Giant Head Perez Hilton looks shocked, yet again. Dude, cool it.

“Fugazi, ravioli.” Guys, let’s get to work.

Sally Lohan, the trend forecaster, and her coworker meet the designers at the beach. Flamebrow immediately sucks up to Sally. He explains that he’s not normally trend-spotting, since he’s the one SETTING the trends. Um, honey? I don’t see too many men wearing horrendously drawn-on eyebrows with their hot-pink top hats, mmkay? But, he needs the help and I happen to think he’s a sweetheart, so knock yourself out. He spots an awning on the beach that inspires his design.

Now Music Douche is communing with a lame pigeon, getting excited about its feathers. THAT is the inspiration for HIS design. Oh boy. The pigeon flies away, and Music Douche is all, “there ya go,” knowingly. Douche.

Lady Gaga finds her inspiration in a statue or architectural piece on the boardwalk, which contains crazy ol’ mosaics and bird poop. Can’t wait to see what kind of jumpsuit THAT creates. I’m guessing a strapless shorts jumpsuit like I wore to the beach when I was four.

Costanza’s impressed with how things move in the wind, such as the kites. He thinks that’ll work well with the butterfly silhouette. Feather Earrings is intrigued by a hair-wrap being sold by some woman from Ghana. The woman weaves the sample fabric from the challenge into her hair. Um, okay.

Is it me, or did y’all think that when they were told they were going to the beach to get inspired for their designs, and when they were talking about trend forecasting, they’d go PEOPLE-WATCHING? Cuz I sure did, and all this hooey about awnings and bird crap is confusing me. Then again, I’m sitting here in a black long-sleeved T-shirt that I bought at Target, so there ya go.

They all return from the beach, and the experts have the designers’ logos all set up at their stations. Peggy Bundy’s freaks me out–it’s a yin/yang symbol with a smokey, smudgey eye as one of the dots. Ew. I can’t even see Costanza’s because of Bravo’s ridiculous banners in the corner. Dumbasses.

Feather Earrings returns to her Eastern European Austin Scarlettski. He’s all chilled out at their station with her voodoo crap burning–candles and feathers (!) and twigs. Her line is called Native Rose. She explains the head-wrap to him and he’s on board. They decide to go with a kimono/butterfly beach wrap.

Lady Gaga tries to explain to her expert, she of the wedge-head and gums, what her inspiration was at the beach. It is a bunch of nonsense–her drawings are gobbledy-gook and it really just doesn’t gel. The expert takes a page out of the “How to Turn a Negative Into a Positive During a Job Interview Handbook” and says, “it’s just that she’s so passionate about what she’s talking about that she goes over the top.” In other words, batshit. But, at least she’s not doing a safe design.

Roberto and Flamebrow pow-wow over the design, and Roberto’s in a conciliatory mood–he loves the design. It’ll be a sundress with a cummerbund that evokes the awning from Venice Beach. I’m very curious about this…a sundress made of orange satin?

Costanza is pitching his idea to his expert–a formal bathing suit that you don’t swim in; a vintage jumper. But in a butterfly design? Eesh. Another piece of the challenge for him is that all of his fabrics are dark and heavy–not beach wear. He is counting on the trim room having some more appropriate fabric for him.

Peggy Bundy’s designer is taking the lead in designing the pintucking of the skirt. I think I had his very same glasses in 6th grade, which did not do much to detract from my horrible acne. No, I didn’t have a boyfriend in 6th grade, why do you ask? Anyway, the convertibility of this design is mostly in pushing up the sleeves or not. They’ve lost some of the wow from last week. Also, Peggy needs to chill out with the Restylane and lip liner.

Now we get to see what DJ Mr. Rogers is doing. He’s another one that sits back while his designer does all the work. She’s designing a butterfly cover-up with a bikini underneath. It all looks and sounds hideous, and if he goes home tonight for it, I’ll be fine with it. It’s not like HE did any of the work! Peggy Bundy notices this too. I can’t tell if she’s worried for Eric or… “worried for Eric (heehee!)”. Probably a mixture of both.

Random sidenote: everyone is wearing ginormous cocktail rings. I have some that my grandmother left to me many moons ago. Maybe I should bust them out and actually be trendy for once! Yes, yes. Black Target t-shirt and cocktail ring. I am truly fashion forward.

Latifah and her designer are working out the exacts of their own caftan. Latifah wants to hide some flaws. Well, that’s fine, but her expert is really, really, really impatient with the fact that Latifah is NOT a fashion designer and doesn’t know the lexicon, nor does she really know construction or fabric. So, really, they have an awful time communicating. I think Coco is being a little rigid here–I’m pretty sure that it wouldn’t take much to either bring yourself down to Latifah’s level to be able to come to an understanding, or maybe teach Latifah a little something so she can rise up a bit to your level. Instead, she just puts on the super bitch face and grumbles. I mean, she seems like a cool designer, but truly unpleasant to work with. Just goes to show you, personality goes just as far as talent in business.

Roberto is at least trying to teach Flamebrow how to drape and construct and sew, though he’s going a little too far in the other direction and expecting a little too much of Flamebrow. We see a series of interview shots with Flamey in different hats, and I conclude that the rakish angle is meant to hide the fact that the eye wrinkles on his right side seem worse than those on the left. Poor kid. You’re aging. It’s okay! Let it go!

It’s the next day, and the designers have only one day til the next launch. Tension mounts. Costanza and his designer are trying to work out the length of his ridiculous formal bathing suit. She is clearly one of the experts who intends to influence the design as little as possible, and she bites Costanza’s head off when he asks for advice. Haha. I love watching crappy interpersonal dynamics!

Oooh, Trim Room is open! (That’s what she said!) Costanza is excited to be able to get some lighter-colored and lighter-textured fabrics for use as a bathing suit, but he runs into trouble when he deems everything ugly. His explanation turns my stomach, when he says the stuff in the trim room matched his line’s fabrics as much as salsa matches peanut butter. Where’s my trash can??!

Back to Coco and Latifah. The other designers are watching uneasily as these two nip at each other. Both of them are pretty driven, it seems, and neither one owns even a smidgeon of patience. Music Douche rasps, “There’s tension, and you can…cut it with a knife.” He’s a sharp one, that douche.

(In the teaser “We’re back–no we’re not!” spot, Roberto annoyed the shit out of everyone with his stupid hairdo and Valentino name-dropping. And when he tried to canoodle with Coco, she didn’t even look up. He even tried to tickle her, and no response. COLD.)

Time for DavidaDerrick to head around to see what’s up. I can’t imagine they’re going to hear anything other than “wrap dress/caftan/cover-up/sarong” today. This challenge seems pretty restrictive, but then again, a good designer will be able to work around that. Still, I have a sinking feeling that we’re going to see a shitload of Dorothy Sbornaks on the runway today.

DD2 stops by Latifah’s station first, and they ask how they’re doing, if they’re on the same page. Latifah’s like, “Stop.” Coco starts complaining about her health, and I pause the stupid DVR so I can laugh raucously. WTF, your HEALTH? Oh Lord. Latifah’s like, “I’m not quitting,” and Duh2 are like, “A fighter, okay.” Coco sips her tea with a “bring it” smirk. I kinda want to slap them all.

Music Douche is the next stop on the crazy train, and … I’m not kidding. He starts talking “pow” and “there you go” and why his line is called London, so you forget about Paris, and he knows what men like and he wants to make shorts so that she can take them off and …make him stop, oh please, make him stop. What a maroon.

As the hosts meet with the designers, I can’t help but thinking there’s hope for one of those guys yet. The one that doesn’t look like Billy Bob Thornton’s dentures. He’s much more attractive than his brother, and I suspect that maybe without the cameras and/or his brother’s influence, he’d be able to speak like a normal adult male. Sure, the Canadian accent won’t go away, but there’s something there beyond that. Ponder it.

Anyway, back to the show. Lady Gaga explains her design–a wrap shirt and high-waisted pants–to DeeTwo. They’re like, “hey, good luck, sounds like a lot of work, buh-bye!” They meet with DJ Mr. Rogers next, and he just bites his nails while his expert explains the line. Seriously, I’d think he were going home this week, except that I already know that Bravo editors like to show a LOT of the person who’s leaving that week, so it’s probably not him. (Then who?)

Oh, maybe it’s Costanza? They meet with him next and immediately question his fabric choice. Then they tell him to stop thinking like an architect and to think like a designer. His expert is standing behind him, grinning. HA! Nebbish Costanza is immediately nebbish about their advice. “It’s like they told a short guy to stop being short and be tall. NO problem, guys!,” he whines. Wah wah.

Next morning, six hours to go. Everyone’s really in overdrive now. Roberto’s chillin’ as Flamebrow works on a sandal (?). Roberto really, really wants Flamebrow to sew the dress. Flamebrow is like, “Hell no, I need to learn from you by watching you do it first, and I’m working on this.” Also? Roberto’s long gray hair is gross. Either cut it or dye it. You can’t have it both ways.

Latifah and Coco try to have a “Come to Jesus” meeting, but Coco is barely hanging in there. She said, “I’m staying for you, I don’t want to leave you high and dry.” She holds out her fist for a bump and says, “We are so on the same page.” You sure are, as Latifah leaves you hanging a beat or two too long AND misses your fist when she bumps. Totally proved that point right there.

Roberto doesn’t have the same sense of responsibility for Flamebrow, it seems. He wants to put a big peacock feather boa on the dress. Flamebrow’s like, “That’s your vision, not mine.” Roberto says, “That’s not very “we”..” and points to the Wickenden logo. Flamebrow, still working and not even looking up, says, “That’s not the logo, it’s a W. YOU made up the ‘we’.”

Roberto starts kvetching about how he gave up on three shows to be here with Flamey, and then lectures Flamebrow about how fashion is about collaboration. Asshole. Flamebrow knows he’s fighting a losing battle, so he’s just like, “Yeah yeah, okay” when Roberto says, “I’m just helping you so you can win your competition, and then YOU can help me launch MY line.” Delusional narcissist. I feel pretty bad for Flamebrow. I want to give that spindly little queen a hug.

Perez is brushing Lou Rawls’ hair affectionately as they watch the sideshow. Roberto rips the Wickenden logo board off the wall (which gives him quite a fight). He really is a total asshole. Flamebrow walks away from it. Good–don’t feed the flame. C’mere, turn your head away so you don’t smudge your mole on my shoulder. There, there.

The models are here! It’s only been two weeks, so I can’t really state this with any authority, yet, but every time they announce that the models are coming in, Music Douche looks very, very happy. And I make a barfy face. Anyway, get those fittings done quickly so they can get to the Fekkai salon! (DuhSq pronounced “salon” like “salad”.)

Roberto comes up to Flamebrow in the break area and apologizes, but does so with that “I’m sorry…that you’re an idiot” tone. He’s still insisting on the “we” thing. I diagnose him as Narcissistic with potential for a little Borderline thrown in there. That’s nothing to mess with. I hope he quits and Flamebrow gets a new partner. (Coco?) Anyway, Flamebrow tries to have a rational conversation with him about controlling his anger, and Roberto doesn’t really get it. “I was born on a volcano.” YES, WE KNOW. I’m a redhead, and that doesn’t give me an excuse to be a bitch–I’m just a bitch because I’m a bitch!

Lou Rawls’ model starts to tell her what the bathing suit reminds her of, and Rawls is all, “No, you don’t have to tell me.” HA! I think Roberto’s little criticism took hold, there!

Fashion Show Time!

Flamebrow’s up first. His plum colored jersey sundress has braids of the orange fabric in the belt, but really, doesn’t use much of that gorgeous satin he was stalking. Plus, it’s a little messy. I am a little worried.

Lady Gag’s (<--typo that I'm not fixing on purpose!) creation comes out next, and while I don't think it's beach wear, it's really kinda cool. I love the pants and the shape of the shirt. I love the applique on the pant leg and the cut-outs that show it in the shirt. I'm almost disappointed that I like it!

Lou’s is next, and I’m confused about where her orange fabric is. Also, the shape of the design evokes nothing of the butterfly silhouette–but the sarong fabric has butterflies on it? No, this doesn’t work. I mean, it’s fine, it just doesn’t fit the challenge.

Feather Earrings’ comes out next, and I generally like it. I think I’m a fan of the color combination of teal and coral–it’s very Native American (fitting for her line). The ropey strands hanging off the sleeves seem unnecessary, as if she tried to do a jellyfish AND butterfly design. I wince, not sure if it’s going to really work.

Latifah’s is next, and it looks a little Jacqueline Susann boudoir chic, rather than beach wear. I love the design itself, though. Just not beach-worthy.

Um, Costanza is going home. I’m calling it now. His “vintage jumper” is a black formal bathing suit that evokes nothing of beach wear and has no butterfly or jellyfish design. And his model is wearing orange swatches of fabric on her wrists like she slit her wrists backstage before walking. No thanks. Bye bye, now!

Peggy Bundy’s caftan is next, and I like it. It’s got ruched sleeves with those little cords so you can ratchet your sleeves up like a miniblind. It’s floaty and sheer and very flattering. I could do without her know-it-all voiceovers though.

DJ Mr. Rogers sends his model out next, and I hate it. It, again, looks cheap. There’s an orange bathing suit under a crappy caftan with a huge gold bling butterfly at the cleavage. It’s totally classless and ugly. I think he’ll be in the bottom with Costanza.

Last up is Music Douche, whose model is basically wearing a sarong skirt and a wrappy, confusing top. Not impressed. He might be in the bottom three with Costanza and DJ, and I really hope he is, since he’s so sure he hit it out of the ballpark tonight.

Judging, in summary:

The middle ground: Flamebrow, Music Douche, Latifah, and Lou Rawls. You’re safe, we have nothing to say, see ya!

The “interesting”: They like Peggy Bundy’s. The didn’t like Feather Earrings’, because the kimono didn’t make sense for the beach, the jellyfish tentacles were too literal, and yet, the dress had no movement. I can’t tell if they liked or didn’t like Costanza’s. They definitely did not like the business suit fabric for the beach and the cut could have been better, yet they seemed to like it for its minimalism.

DJ Mr. Rogers barely gets the chance to explain his design before his expert speaks up from the side. The judges immediately pick up on the dynamic and ask WHO designed the piece. DJ bites his nails as his expert speaks for him. This is bad. But wait, they seem to like his design. Ugh. They just wanted him to plunge the neckline deeper. Disaster averted, I guess. But he’s next on my shit list. I don’t want to keep seeing this Ross clearance rack crap from him week after week.

Surprisingly, they didn’t care for Gaga’s pieces. They thought the mosaic on the sleeve was too much, that they got enough of it from the pant. Honestly? I thought it was superfluous on the pant–I loved it in the shirt. Hmm. The judges suggested she use the mosaic as a belt but nowhere else, which makes the most sense. But worst of all, her outfit is deemed as ‘matchy-matchy’, and she is the recipient of the “know when to say when!” quip we heard in the previews. Her expert cringes.

The winner is revealed…and it’s DJ Mister Rogers!!! What the hell?! Oooh, all that foreshadowing was for a reason, and it was to PISS ME OFF. Peggy Bundy might cut a bitch later.

Time to deliberate backstage with the designs. They love the fabric and color of the kimono, but still aren’t feeling it. BUT, they feel the continuity of the collection that’s forming, and they like it. They’re not so sure about Costanza–his collection is so dark so far, and he’s also kinda missing the mark with the details. Funny, since architecture is in the details. They critique Gaga’s salability as a designer–she will probably be pigeonholed for very specific customers, and they’re not sure about that line.

So who’s leaving us? Oh, it’s Costanza. There go all my import-export jokes. Oh well! I’m glad we won’t have to watch him struggling anymore. This just didn’t seem to be his forte and he wasn’t even having any fun. So, go home, design a house for an old guy, and be happy. And try not to make your wife lick any more envelopes, would ya?

48 hours til the next launch.

Next week: They’re ‘taking a walk on the wild side.’ Feather Earrings’ incense is bugging the designers. And the usual interpersonal drama we’ve come to know and love between Coco/Latifah and Flamebrow/Roberto. Oh, joy. Come back next time, won’t ya??

Smooches!
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