Launch My Line–I Want (Something Interesting to Watch); I Need (Something Interesting to Watch)

This week, on Launch My Line, we’re down to the final four. We’re constantly reminded that the finale is next. The designers make clothes. Then they get judged. Folks, it really doesn’t get more interesting than that. My apologies. Also, I’m bleeding profusely from the bullet I’m taking for you. (Enjoy!)Previously, we watched the mighty queen and his volcanic designer crash and burn. Poor Flamebrow was a visionary but lacked the execution. He will be missed. Lou Rawlsette narrowly avoided her own demise and needs to punch up her designs a bit if she wants to keep moving forward. Peggy Bundy made more poop clothes (and won!), and DJ Mister Rogers continued to coast on his crappy clubwear designs.

And now there are four…

The designers and their experts arrive fresh for a new day of design. Feather Earrings lets us know that this is the last challenge before the finale (phew), so everyone is majorly stressed. Instead of a creepy envelope, this week, a spread of Lucky Magazines appears on the breakfast table. Peggy Bundy, an expert in everything, makes sure we know that she’s young and hip by telling us she reads Lucky all the time. Psst, I think DJ Mister Rogers is the one blowing people–you might need to find a new schtick to keep your place in the competition.

For the first time ever (maybe), the DuhSquared boys arrive wearing fairly unique outfits. Unique to each other, I mean–they’re always unique to the rest of common man. Normally, they take the twin thing a little too far. Anyway, they remind the designers that it’s the last challenge before the finale. (How many times do you think we’ll hear this tonight? I’ll keep count. We’re at two so far.) Duh1 asks the group why they think Peggy won last time, and Lou Rawlsette grumbles, “…I…don’t know!” Peggy makes a pinchy face. “Man, she is really, really jealous.” Do we get to hear an actual answer, perhaps from the judges themselves who are capable of providing constructive criticism? Nope! Those assholes just ramrod through their script.

In doing so, they bring out a lovely, shy-looking blonde woman. I don’t recognize her. But don’t feel bad, she’s just a senior fashion editor at Lucky magazine. Peggy puts her ass-kissin’ lips on. Elle Strauss, the Lucky editor, explains what Lucky magazine is all about, and then she points out a particular feature of their magazine–the “I Want, I Need” section. This is where one piece of clothing is extended from one look to another. (For example: “I want a sheer blouse to wear on dates…but I need a blouse I can wear under a suit at work.”)

And voila, meet this week’s challenge! The designers are to create a three-piece outfit that can be easily converted for several different events and looks. Doesn’t this seem like it’d be right up Peggy’s alley? I mean, her whole line is about convertibility. She’s the only one not freaking out. The rest of them clutch their pearls and look poopy-pantsed about it. Peggy tells us she’s got this win in the bag.

DuhSquared take the designers to a pair of wheels of fortune. One wheel contains Wants, such as hot dates, movie premieres, cocktail parties, and one wheel contains Needs, like job interviews, air travel, or religious services.

Each designer will spin each wheel to get the pairing for their challenge. It’ll probably mean something to us all later, so I’ll record it for you here:

• Peggy, having won last time, gets to outright choose her Want and Need. No spinning. She chooses “high society cocktail party” and “company party.”
• Lou Rawlsette is next, and her spins net her “movie premiere” and “baby shower luncheon.”
• Feather Earrings gets “hot nightclub opening” and “company party.”
• DJ Mister Rogers chooses “high society cocktail party” and “religious service.”

HA! DJ shouts, “NO!” and grabs his head. Of all people to have to design something appropriate for a religious service, it’s our resident hootchie-maker! Note that Peggy also seemed pissed that he got “high society cocktail party.” Um, relax, Pegs. It’s not like you two are really competing.

Elle Strauss (wait, isn’t that a character on Heroes? No, that’s Tracy Strauss. And isn’t Elle the electric lady? Yeah!) will be a guest judge tomorrow night. She smiles as the hotter of the twins tells the group that they’ll have one more pretty face to look at during judging. The twin that looks like a set of dentures strikes a fierce pose in his khakis to say, “Or you’ll have one more bitch to satisfy.” Everyone laughs just a little too hard.

Oh no! Here it comes! I can’t stop it! “Eh Matzoh, Oklahoma!” I hate this stupid catch phrase! Just one more week, Panda, one more week.

With 28 hours on the clock, the designers get started. Peggy knows she has to step it up, since she’s already got a line that converts. She can’t half-ass it. Problem is, she’s running out of fabric. Remember how they all bought everything they’d need for the entire season, all at once on the first episode? Apparently, Pegs has blown her load. Now they’re working with leftovers and the “eh” fabrics they don’t really like.

Feather Earrings lights a candle and some sandalwood at her station. She and Faux Austin Scarlette talk about their red fabric they’ve been saving. Since the word “hot” was in her choice, she’s feeling like now is the time to use it. Feather Earrings and Austin are showing a teeny bit of strain in their cooperation. Austin can’t work until he sorts out the fabric they’re using; Feather Earrings wants to talk design and sketch, THEN figure out fabric. I really hope they keep their shit together.

DJ Mister Rogers and his designer talk about the different religious services they could try to accomodate with his assless dresses. I think they decide on a bris? (Later, we learn it’s a christening.) Anyway, his design will involve two ugly fabrics for the dress, covered up by a trench that’s lined in “sequences”. (DJ’s words, not mine.) The model will take off the plain trench on the runway and put on a sequenced trench. Sequence. What an idiot.

Lou Rawlsette and Big Headed Not Perez sketch out their design, which will be a pant suit with a backless shirt underneath. The model will take off the jacket and be wearing a slutty shirt. That’s that. Seems pretty boring to me! Lou also wants to put two trains coming off the back of this backless shirt, for “wow factor.” What the huh? Not Perez isn’t feelin’ it. By the way, Lou thinks she has an advantage because she’s a wardrobe stylist by trade–she converts clothes from day to night all the time. Ah, misguided bravado?

By the way, she wants to really knock them off their socks. Her words, not mine.

The Trim Room is open! And absolutely nothing exciting happens in there! Nothing at all! It’s a shadow of its former self. I guess if there aren’t a ton of people all battling for the same random crap, it gets less dramatic. You go in, you pick out a fabric and a zipper, and you leave. Ho hum.

Peggy feels threatened with every other designer pulling the same tricks she’s been using for the past six challenges. She’s pretty haughty about it, and she can’t stop watching and listening to what others are doing. She’s particularly paranoid about Lou Rawlsette gunning for her. Cut to Not Perez eating a taquito. Yes, very threatening.

Oooh, another guest! Who is it? Are you excited? C’mon, I said, ARE YOU EXCITED?! No? Is anyone watching this stupid show? Just me? *sigh*

It’s Kara Saun! From Season 1 of Project Runway! Hooray! She’s dressed in a fairly masculine suit with a strange feathered blow-out. I don’t think she’s a tall woman at all, but she sure makes DuhSquared look teeny!

Time to visit the designers. Kara Saun makes it so much easier to watch. She interacts easily with everyone and actually has constructive things to say. The Duh boys just nod and say random words. Like when Lou talks about the backless shirt, Duh1 says, “Skin.” Anyway, Kara Saun doesn’t think that Lou’s pant suit has any wow factor, and taking off a suit jacket doesn’t do enough to change the look from one situation to another. The music gets dramatic like it’s the end of the world.

Next up is Feather Earrings. They show off their zebra print skirt, sexy red shirt, and plain black blazer. Kara Saun doesn’t have much to say. The Duh boys remind Feather Earrings in a very low voice that if she doesn’t make it tonight, she’s not in the finale. (That’s three!)

Peggy gets her ass-kissing lips out again, this time to impress Kara Saun. DuhSquared introduce Peggy as a double-winner, and Pegs rolls her eyes like she’s modest. (She’s not.) She makes sure to explain that her entire LINE is convertible, so this challenge is meaningful to her. Kara Saun throws down! “So you should WIN this challenge!” Another modest eyeroll from El Peg.

Hold up! Kara Saun just insulted the fabric choice! Down with poop tones! One of the Duh Boys refers to it as being a little too “Indira Ghandi” for him. KS reminds them that this is the final four, the finale is next! (That’s four!) Pegs and Malvin defend their choices, but ultimately, KS tells them to change the color scheme. Now. Peggy is deflated.

Now it’s DJ Mister Rogers’ turn for scrutiny. His expert puts on their brown trench that looks way more like a robe. No one is impressed. She takes it off with a flourish as DJ says, literally, “WHAPOW….”. No one is impressed. DJ really thought they’d cream their jeans over this look, and, well, everyone is bone dry.

Kara Saun asks to see the rest of his collection. She questions if his current design fits in with the previous designs. It’s a question of their previous designs being very summery and warm, while this current design is cold and hard. The difference between Miami and Russia, one of the Duh Boys notes. Aaaaand, another reminder about the finale. (That’s five!)

DJ and his expert must now start over if they want to win the challenge. His expert is near tears. They’ve already done so much work, and now, to start again? Frustrating! DJ dismisses the executioners, and his expert begins to cry for real.

In the “We’re back! No, we’re not!” segment, we get to hear a mix-up of all the designers talking about “wow.” Yep, they sure do say “wow” a lot! *snore*

I doze off as we continue to follow the designers and their experts. It’s just not that interesting to watch them go back and forth, talking about the “wow” and jackets and such. Sure, they’re frustrated, and I enjoy watching people get pissy as much as the next person, but…I’m actually getting tired of it. C’mon, DO something! I’m really missing Coco and VolcanoRoberto and Lady Gaga right now!

Not Perez finally heeds my call, coming up with a really interesting design trick. What if the lining of the sleeves of a plain blazer were actually really billowy when you turned the blazer inside out? Like, dramatically billowy? Ooh, I like this idea!

Except…Lou, feeling victorious about their design, starts to cut the fabric she was just cutting and –NO! STOP!. Not Perez very quietly tells Lou that they can’t do the design now–she cut the last bit of fabric they had. Oh shit.

Everyone’s actually feeling the pinch with their fabric supplies running low. I wonder if this means they’ll get another trip to the fabric store for the finale? I mean, how can they NOT? That’s the most important design of the whole series!

Luckily, Lou paws through their fabric pile and finds more of the baby pink silk that Not Perez needed. Phew. Life can go on.

Everyone’s exhausted and they all head home. Bright and early the next morning, with five hours left til launch, they return, with huge sunglasses and huge cups of coffee. No one’s smiling–there’s too much grim determination on their faces.

Hey, want to barf? Peggy and Malvin do some drugs and decide to line their jacket in black raven feathers. Peggy’s happily snipping them off of a boa, and Malvin’s happily sewing them onto the fabric. When he completes a sleeve, he busts a nut to show Peggy. He squeals, “I just had a fashion orgasm!” The bile rises in my throat. Then Pegs says, “I’m multi-orgasmic when it comes to fashion.” Oops, pardon me. (Got a mint?)

Two hours to go, which means it’s model time. No drama here, it’s the same ol’ stuff. Hair and makeup, too. Yep.

It’s time for the fashion show!

DJ Mister Roger’s look is first. His model ultimately ended up in a dark denim pencil skirt, a loud red floral shirt, and a royal blue robe jacket. It looks like something Hugh Heffner would wear. The skirt, I gotta say, looks incredible. She turns the robe inside out, and now it’s a black sequined jacket. Not bad.

Lou Rawlsette’s chick is next. Yep, it’s a pant suit, and a bad one at that. It looks like pajamas, and the model looks like she’s on stilts. The jacket comes off and reveals a super ugly pair of high-waisted pants. The model struggles with reversing the jacket, and…it wasn’t worth the effort. Unfortunately, Not Perez’s brilliant idea just didn’t work on the runway. The color is boring, and it’s just all wrong.

So, next up is Peggy Bundy. Her model comes out looking conservative in a red shirt, a skirt of a shade of red that’s barely different from the shirt and yet horribly different in a clashy way, and a black jacket. The shirt converts to a long cocktail dress, (mostly) obscuring the skirt of a different color, and the jacket reverses into the orgasmic raven feather. I’m disappointed that the model never puts the jacket back on–I bet it looked pretty hot.

Last is Feather Earrings. Her model is wearing a pretty short skirt for a company party, but the shirt/vest is conservative so far. She unleashes the “hot nightclub opening” underneath by flipping up the hem of the skirt and reversing the vest to reveal the red fabric inside. It’s not bad, but I feel funky about the skirt. The judges’ faces show that they agree with me.

And now time for judging. With a reminder that the three who move on after tonight will compete in the finale. (That’s…six!) The judges applaud the group standing before them, since they’re only steps away from launching their line.

DJ’s critique is first. The judges like the colors he chose and they like the design of the shirt. Elle from Lucky Magazine doesn’t really like the jacket, since all it did was hide and reveal the second look, instead of becoming a part of it. The judges ask if he’s nervous about his design, since they know about him trashing his original work. He feels strongly about his design. Since he actually contributed to his own design this week, I’m starting to warm to him ever so slightly.

Lou Rawlsette gets beat up next. Wait, wait. They don’t totally hate her look! The judges think maybe white isn’t the right color for a nighttime event, but they love the jacket. They acknowledge that it was a great idea and well executed. Lucky Elle thinks the jacket is the strongest piece and would pair well with jeans. I agree! Okay, wait, here it comes. Stephani confirms my initial impression, that the suit looks like pajamas. She also thinks it looks matronly. Oh, snap!

Now it’s Peggy’s turn. The judges have high expectations of her, and it seems that she maybe failed to reach those expectations. She nods. The judges wanted more drama, and they thought her dress should have been floor-length. Peggy corrects them–”it was a COCKTAIL party, not black tie. Cocktail equals knee-length.” Stephani is like, “oh hell no.” The jacket’s awesome, the skirt’s fine, but that dress sucks. The proportion is off. Lisa Klein critiques the colors and how they don’t match. Yay! They also think the feather-lined jacket doesn’t look as rich and swanky from afar. And the skirt looks like shit as it pokes out from underneath the dress. Whoa, Peggy’s getting her balls nailed to the wall.

Feather Earrings explains her look to the judges. They seem to love it. It’s fresh, and it was subtly dramatic. They don’t love the vest, though. Which I thought was the best part. Apparently, people don’t want coats and vests with unique linings? Really? I love my dark brown coat with the teal lining.

So, who won? DJ and Feather Earrings are in the top two, and Feather Earrings takes the win! So, that gives us two of the three that will be participating in the finale. (Seven!)

Now it’s time to bitch backstage about Peggy and Lou Rawlsette. It’s harder than ever, because whatever they decide tonight decides the finale. (Eight.) Peggy’s design is nitpicked first. They really hate that she didn’t explode the stage with her design. But her collection is cohesive and clever.

Lou’s design was too much and yet not enough. Too much satin, and not enough wow. Lucky Elle says that her grandmother wouldn’t even wear such a thing. Ouch! The judges don’t see as clear a vision coming from Lou.

Back on stage, DuhSquared announce the loser. It’s Lou. Are you surprised? I’m not. That means Peggy’s going to the finale. (Nine!) Hey, I’m just glad there’s a finale soon!

Lou says a few words before she leaves, and DuhSquared reply by complimenting her sophistication and style. They also call out her expert, Big Head Not Perez, for doing such good work during his time on the show. Lou and Not Perez walk offstage with their arms around each other.

Next time, it’s the motherfucking finale!! Does the production of the show go over the top to make it a WOW event? No? Oh, okay. Do the designers stress out about not having enough time? They do? Do they also stress out about making a big enough statement with their design? They do? Hey, and I bet one person wins and the other two lose. There, I called it, we can all feel free to watch the Andy Griffith Retrospective on the Biography channel next week. No need to thank me.