Launch My Line: Finally, the Finale! Oh wait…

Hey, did you all think we were just about done with this Launch My Line mess? With all that “finale” talk last week? Me too! But this bitch is broken down into two parts. We won’t have any idea WHO gets to launch their crappy line until next week. It makes me want to cry. But I persevere!Last week on Launch My Line, Lou Rawlsette’s reign of man-voiced surfer speak and silk charmuese draping ended. This leaves us with DJ Mister Rogers, who’s been designing Ross clearance rack muumuus for eight weeks now; Peggy Bundy, whose poop-toned designs don’t speak any better for her than she does; and Feather Earrings, whose sage has apparently been working its magic! I guess we’ll eventually finish with this show, huh? I hope this is more entertaining than last week. Let’s go!

Oooh! We got an extended reminder of who we’ve lost so far this season. Remember your beloved Dan Karate?! There he is! Oh, and that nice Costanza fellow who wished that ladies would sunbathe in black wool! And Music Douche talking about things bein’ tiiiiight! I don’t miss you chumps at all! But you can’t hate your past–it’s made you who you are today. And today, you are a boring show. So, guess what? I hate you! (And I miss Flamebrow.)

Moving on…

We have 54 hours on the clock, and Faux Austin Scarlette is quite cheery over the Breakfast Bitch session. He welcomes everyone to the finale, where they only have 20 more looks to design. Peggy picks up his ball (HEY now) and runs with it, joking about having an “easy” challenge, like designing an entire floor of clothing for Bergdorf’s. Eh, suck it, Peggy.

What is with Feather Earrings’ eyelashes? Has anyone else noticed this? Like, does she get a fuzz from a Q-tip stuck in there sometimes, or is she intentionally putting weird white highlights in there? Feather eyelashes? It wouldn’t surprise me if she were, but…eh, maybe I’m just crazy.

More breakfast chatter about being in the finale. Guess what? They all realize that it’s important and that they have to do a good job. They each think they have a line that’s the most launchable, and they each have visions of success in their heads. I bet we hear a lot of this bravado tonight, and I am NOT going to recap all of it. Trust me that it exists. Use your imagination.

DuhSquared arrive! They ask the designers and their experts to join them on the Launch My Line stage. This challenge, they screech, is the biggest challenge, the hardest challenge. What is it, you ask? Well, friends, the designers will need to construct three new outfits for the finale. Adding those three designs will bring each designer’s line to ten pieces.

The three outfits this week need to be as follows: Outfit 1–unconventional pockets. Outfit 2–ruffles. Outfit 3–evening gown. In case that wasn’t enough, the designers learn that the judges will be looking at the entire line for the finale–all ten pieces. But wait, but there’s more! If the designers want to, they can revise/alter a previous design–or even replace it entirely. They’ll need to maintain the same inspiration for the piece that it was originally designed for, but hey–now Peggy can fix that bullshit hemline from last week’s convertible dress, right?

Oooh! This show IS going to be more interesting than last week! Why? Because they’re bringing back some of the experts who’ve been ousted to help the finale designers with their work! YAY! Who comes walking out but Not Perez, Wedge Head, VolcanoRoberto, Constanza’s expert, the chick who worked with Dan Tai Chi and….Coco! Holy shit! The twist is that the experts get to decide which designer they want to work with, and the experts choose in order of their elimination.

Not Perez Hilton goes first and chooses Feather Earrings, as does VolcanoRoberto. Feather Earrings is pretty popular! By the way, Roberto’s quote when he explains why he chose Feather Earrings? “I really believe that their collection is much more important to the soul than to the eye. And [Feather Earrings] is initiated into the divine laws of creation.” I shit you not.

Coco gets to choose next, and she chooses Peggy Bundy. It might surprise you to learn that she’s still a bitch. She openly admits that she chose Peggy because she’ll probably win and didn’t choose DJ because she hates his chiffon. Wedge Head, Lady Gaga’s expert, also chooses Peggy Bundy.

So, DJ Mister Rogers is last picked (aww) and he gets Constanza’s sloppy seconds and the bad first date expert (Dan Karate’s chick) from the first challenge. Good luck to you, sir! He calls himself and his experts Team Underdog.

Meblatzi, orro blahblah!

Those guys do get to work. First up is Team Feather Earrings. Roberto takes over right away, asking to see original designs and sketches for previous designs. I cringe, thinking how hard it’ll be to get all this work done as it is, much less when you’re managing a very, um, creative team member. They do seem to be off to a good start as they converge design ideas. The ruffle dress will be something red, with the ruffle dramatically done on the bias.

Team Peggy Bundy is talking color. Poop color, to be exact. Peggy asks her team what they think of the color. She talks about her customer wanting to be understated. I think she has “camoflaging yourself in a sewer” confused with “being understated”. Peggy takes a different approach with her team management. She delegates Malvin to design the evening gown and Coco to work on the pocket dress. Wedge Head will work on altering some of the previous designs. But what about the ruffles, Peggy??? Oh, Peggy has grand plans for that, a three-tiered ruffled dress. Like a cake, I guess. Oh, and they really have no fabric right now. Peggy’s desperately hoping the trim room can save them.

DJ Mister Rogers’ team is on board with all of his crappy ideas, such as making a corset top for one of the dresses. (Except he puts the emphasis on the last syllable, calling it a cor-SETTE. It drives me nuts.) He brags about having a good idea for what women should wear, based on all his experience with the hotties in the clubs. It seems like his expert, Galina?, is territorial about the designs and the other two are a little meek. A bustier is mentioned, and more “sequences”. Costanza’s expert tells US that she doesn’t think the one dress design they’re working on fits their collection, but does she tell them that? Nope!

Back to the Launch My Line stage for a moment, so the designers can choose their models for the final challenge. (I think this is the “We’re back! No, we’re not!” moment for the week. They snuck it in early!) DuhSquared pretty much leave the designers to their own devices to make their choices. It’s all going well, one by one, until Galina butts in line. Peggy gets so annoyed she turns her back to Galina. Completely. Obviously. Ridiculously. Galina is definitely being an ass, but Peggy is such a child!

Feather Earrings is explaining more of her line and the latest designs to us, and I gotta say that I like the sound of them. It sounds like everything will be cohesive with the rest of her line, it’ll be visually interesting, and it’ll have that “wow” they’re all looking for. I’m actually looking forward to seeing her designs. Even Roberto, the most contrary of designers, is nodding along.

Coco is designing the pocket dress for Peggy, and it’s something with a hemline pocket that zips off into a purse. I have no idea what that means. Peggy loves it. Peggy mentions the drama that Coco stirred up before and blames Latifah for it. Coco is actually a “thinker”, she says. No, I’m pretty sure she’s still a bitch, but at least you know fashion terms so she gives you some cred.

DuhSq interrupt the designers to bring the models in for their first fitting. Whoa, I am all outta whack this week. Is my DVR upside down?? No, they’re just providing the designers with more of an opportunity to see how their designs will look on actual humans more than two hours before the launch. This is actually getting serious! There’s a lot of maneuvering to decide which models get to wear which looks. Some will wear the older designs, some will wear the new ones. It’s all carefully calculated. The designers are also working on the “run of show”, which is the order in which the models will walk to tell the story of that designer’s line. Lots of work!

Guess what piece Peggy will be revamping for the final launch? The kangaroo pouch dress? You’re right! You win a gold star!

We get a very rough idea of what the three final lines will look like. I gotta say, I’m pulling for Feather Earrings. Her line is dramatic and beautiful and looks well thought-out. Peggy’s looks like a toilet bowl, and DJ Mister Rogers’ looks like a bunch of whores standing around a liquor store on a Tuesday morning, begging for Boone’s.

Now for a little personality. VolcanoRoberto, where have you been? Oh, you’ve been sitting there with inside-out scrub-colored gloves! He calls them “couture doctor gloves”, and he wears them because his hands are “lethal”. Green is the color of success, but it’s also the color of healing, he says. Not Perez thinks he’s a nut, with a frown. Faux Austin thinks he’s a nut, with a laugh.

DuhSquared again! Boy, they’re a pair of interrupting sons of bitches tonight, ain’t they? Well, this time, it’s good news. The Trim Room is permanently open! Yay! Only designers are allowed in there, remember, but at least they can come and go freely for the rest of their lives.

Peggy’s immediately searching for new fabric to use for her ruffle dress. She’s not very successful. Either the colors are all wrong, or the fabric itself doesn’t lend itself to ruffles. (Like a poop-toned orange lace? Ruffles with that? Are you kidding?) Coco suggests they all get back to work on their other designs and reconvene another time to decide on ruffles.

Back at the Feather Earrings camp, Not Perez and Faux Austin are bickering over the fabric choice for the pocket dress. Faux Austin and Feather Earrings want to use the zebra fabric, but Not Perez thinks it’s too much. She’ll look like Wilma Flintstone. Finally, Not Perez just submits to their design and agrees to sew it, even if he disagrees with the design.

DJ Mister Rogers isn’t having much luck with designing his evening gown, either. Galina keeps draping the sequined patterned fabric from last week’s challenge over herself, but DJ insists that it’s not dramatic enough.

Meanwhile, Coco accompanies Peggy to the Trim Room for evening gown fabric selection. Malvin shows up, too, and together, they choose a sequined fabric that shows a pattern in gold and brown tones. This is definitely bold for them, but Peggy wants to go huge on this design. Good! Sometimes we have exciting poops, and we should always show them off!

I laugh to myself, totally LOLing, when DJ tells us about finding a “dope buncha jewels” in the Trim Room to help him with his evening gown. I need to institute the word “dope” into my daily vocabulary, I think. Nothing like a white-collar professional droppin’ some dope thoughts in weekly staff meetings, right? “I think that new spreadsheet would be a dope way to track our progress, yes.” Anyway, Galina keeps setting up total CRAP on the dress form and DJ Mister Rogers keeps knocking it down. She has got some seriously bad taste, that Galina! How did DJ make it this far with this clown? Oh that’s right, the blowjobs.

The next morning, just one day til launch. Peggy comes in with a fresh load of contradiction. She says she’s got her zen armor on…and yet she’s prepared to win at any cost. Hi, warring philosophies! How are ya?

DJ Mister Rogers really seems to have a vision lately. He knows what he likes and he knows what works, and Galina ain’t delivering. The good news is that Bad First Date expert seems to be doing really well in the background as a seamstress. She’s working on the ruffle dress right now. Later, he finds a beautiful turquoise silk to use for the evening gown look. Phew.

Feather Earrings’ team decides to totally ditch the tentacles from the beach kimono look. (Remember them?) That’s all fine and good, but now an argument is brewing about how to alter some of the other looks and what that does to the flow of the show. Faux Austin is rigid about the looks, and Not Perez and Roberto team up to disagree. Faux Austin has to walk away–he’s pissed.

DuhSquared arrive for the weekly tour of judgment and sneers. Remember, they’re not giving any advice, just “checking progress”. I really wish they’d give advice. It’s kinda like they stand there, making faces, giving the designers enough rope to hang themselves, then at judging say, “oh, you hung yourself! How’d that happen?!’

First up is Pegs. Those boys are so crappy when they come around for judgment. They just stare and sneer. Peggy shows off the drama she has planned for the final looks. When asked about what she’s going to fix, she shows the kangaroo pouch dress. In fact, she short-circuits a little and manically cuts the fabric with a big pair of shears. The Duh Boys barely react. They do, however, question some of the consistency of the collection as Peggy rattles off all the changes.

DuhSquared show up to Feather Earrings’ crew next, congratulating her on making it to the “fin-OLLY.” They specifically ask if Feather Earrings plans to fix any of her garments, and they smile big when she talks about removing those stupid tentacles. They seem to agree with a lot of her choices, and she is far more poised in her delivery than Peggy ever was. Peggy needs a cocktail. Oh wait, the Duh Boys don’t like the length for the red ruffled dress, but Feather Earrings reminds them that she’s almost totally out of fabric.

The Duh Boys approach DJ Mister Rogers and for ONCE do not use some dumb word play about him being a DJ and spinning things or whatever. He shows off his pocket dress, and it looks cheap to me, but the DuhBoys seem to like it. They also ooh and aaah about the evening gown. I don’t get it–why does DJ get away with making crap? DJ Mister Rogers is given a big hint that he should redo the distressed dress, because it sucked. DJ starts to ‘distress’ about the time left for the finale.

Feather Earrings is having a real panic about her red dress, the one that the DuhBoys didn’t like for its designed length. She really, really, really wants it to be floor length. The three experts around her–Faux Austin, Not Perez, and VolcanoRoberto–keep telling her that it’d be too much. She pulls Faux Austin aside to talk, because she is “on fire.” Faux Austin hears her out, but then tries to defend his own position, ending with a very composed confession that HE is about to explode.

Feather Earrings thinks he’s freaking out because of time, but he’s freaking out because of fabric. There just isn’t enough. Feather Earrings just doesn’t want her dress to look like Flamebrow’s red cocktail length dress from a few weeks ago. I dunno, can they drape some black chiffon under there to add length and depth without it being one solid red piece? I’d wear that! Turns out they think they’ve found enough red fabric to make it work, but it’s still a dealbreaker. Also, Not Perez and Faux Austin don’t seem to work very well together.

Hey, did you know that Asian lady who helped Costanza lose is still working on this show? Yeah, she’s with DJ’s team! Who knew?! I didn’t! But she finally showed up for work, I guess, cuz now we see her sewing. Crazy. Actually, now she’s completely redoing the distressed dress for DJ, which is taking her a very, very long time. I guess that’s what she’s been doing, instead of being on camera.

Also, it’s been a while since Pegs took a look around the design floor to see what other were doing and to complain about it. But here she is, calling out DJ’s looks for being flamboyant, naked, bimbo, and sexual. (Her words.) Feather Earrings takes a blow or two as Peggy describes her zebra pocket dress as a piece of crap that’ll make someone look fat. Clearly, the winner here is Pegs with her black sequined evening gown. We’ll see, beyotch, we’ll see.

DJ has his turn at talking about the others’ work, and he’s pretty classy about it. He says that Peggy’s work is more sophisticated, and his look is more commercial. Feather Earrings chimes in with her opinion, to tell us that she thinks DJ’s evening gown is “insane” and she’s trying to reel her designs in so they’re not as insane.

By the way, Coco got new bangs between her time with Latifah and today. I don’t find them to be a good look for her.

As we wrap things up for this week, O’ Finale Part 1, we see that Peggy Bundy seems to have things totally finished and done. She and her team are sitting calmly, looking at a rack full of completed looks. Like, having a post-coital cigarette and everything. Coco compliments Peggy having a firm aesthetic. (BURN, Latifah, BURN.) Feather Earrings and her gang are fighting about that damn red dress and who knows what else they ought to be working on. DJ Mister Rogers’ looks are still in process, but I think he’s not as urgently panicking as Feather Earrings. And with that, and with 18 hours left on the clock for the ENTIRE SEASON, we wrap up tonight’s episode.

So, next week, we’ll learn if Peggy’s cock-sure bravado is solid, or if she’ll fall to the mighty powers of DJ’s blowjobs or Feather Earrings’ mystical sage smudging. Looks like Not Perez is late or doesn’t show at all, and it’s otherwise pre-runway madness. PLEASE come back and finish this out with me, won’t you? Kisses!