Launch My Line: Wild Cards

Happy new year, Gasmii! Hope you shooed away 2009 and welcomed 2010 in a truly spectacular fashion. I pulled a Feather Earrings and sage-smudged my person and my dwelling to chase out the bad juju. Gotta say, it’s been a good year so far. Sure, it’s only been a week. So, wait, you’re reading this to hear how this week’s Launch My Line went? You don’t give a shit about the small talk and niceties? Fine, we’ll just get right down to business, Mr. Pissy Pants.Previously on Launch My Line, it was ugly nudes and even uglier designs. Our precious knock-off Lady Gaga got the boot, and from the looks of it, it was right in her shovel-face. (I was waiting in line today at the store, and her mug was sneering sideways at me from a full-page LML ad on the back of a magazine. Does she KNOW that her profile just makes her look worse? If she doesn’t yet, she does now!) Peggy Bundy finally earned a win, and she earned immunity from this week’s challenge. They remind us of how unoriginal DJ Mister Rogers’ designs have been. (Foreshadowing?) Six teams are left in the Thunderdome.

So, what are we in for this week? Well, don’t sit there and speculate–follow me!

(Note, since Bravo turned into big assholes a few weeks ago and stopped putting up full episodes of the show, the fun I have recapping this show has diminished. So, this week, I tried a new photocap process, where I photograph my TV for the most precious moments. It was too ugly to print. Seriously schlocky. I’m sorry.) (But here’s one for good measure, before I realized I had to turn off the flash.)

It’s the weekly breakfast bash, and everyone arrives in smiles and shades. Flamebrow immediately opens up the trash-talk by commenting on how quiet it is with Faux Gaga gone, and the camera cuts to a very concerned-looking Latifah. She misses Gaga. Did we ever see them interact? Anyway, Latifah may miss Gaga, but she understands why she’s gone. “It’s always important to listen to what the people judging you have to say.” Latifah seems subdued today and is speaking in coherent sentences, instead of the wide-eyed jumble of stuff she’s usually dropping. I hope her chill attitude continues–maybe she and Coco will have a besties breakthrough.

Also during breakfast, DJ Mr. Rogers’ expert talks about how SHE wants him to take the lead from here on out. The irony of her even making that statement makes me laugh. Meanwhile, DJ is all “ooh, it makes me feel good inside to hear her say that.” Dude, she’s still controlling you, and you still suck. Then he says, “My confidence level is real high right now.” I bet you go home this week! Also, he looks a lot better without that dumb hat.

The Diminuitive Duo appear in big ol’ sunglasses to greet the designers. Peggy Bundy appears to check out the boys’ packages. Hey, the rise of their pants is so low, it shouldn’t be a problem to see for reals if you just give it a good tug. Anyway, they’re all, “I bet you’re wondering why we’re wearing shades. We’re not hungover, we were good boys.” Faux Austin Scarlett is thrilled. He hearts DuhSquared. Anyway, I’m annoyed at these antics, and I’m annoyed that I know they’re about to announce the REAL Lady Gaga, who is apparently known for wearing sunglasses. And Kate Wintour, Kanye West, and countless others are not?? I would be more impressed if these two morons were wearing the actual “Gaga” style of shades, but no, they’re just wearing any ol’ sunglasses. Well, that’s it, tomorrow, I’m walking into work wearing my $7 Baby Phat shades I got from Ross and announcing that I’m Lady Gaga. Oh wait, my review is coming up, I better not.

Anyway. They explain that the sunglasses are the inspiration for this week’s piece, which is their “wild card” piece, their fringe piece. Every designer has something avant garde in their collection, and this is the designers’ week to do it. I listen closely to the Duhsey Twins this week–what is grating about their voices and manner of speaking is that they are raspy, yet high-pitched. They don’t seem to give enough air to their words, so they sound breathless and also slur a lot of words together. Not to mention the dumb Canadian “yet we’re Italian!” accent. Ugh.

Flamebrow is excited, because, as he says, “So far, all my pieces are wild card pieces!” with a big ol’ grin. I like Flamebrow. I hope HE isn’t our goodbye friend this week.

Peggy looks tired. Since she won last week, she gets to choose her inspirational sunglasses first. She chooses big white plastic glasses with rose colored shades. Very Golden Girls. She also gets to assign the sunglasses to everyone else in the group. Whoa! We haven’t had one of these “winner decides all!” scenarios since Lou Rawlsette got to choose the order for people to pick fabric way back in episode 2!

Peggy assigns a big blocky pair of shades with big honkin’ rhinestones on the sides to Latifah, and the hot pink banana clip Star Trek: The Next Generation shades to DJ Mister Rogers. She assigns the old ladyTerminator shades to Flamebrow. You know, the ones you wear over your real glasses when you’re having trouble seeing the stop signs from behind the wheel of your Cutlass Ciera. Flamebrow thinks the shades look like what the ladies in NYC wear when they get a facelift. Bwah!

By now, Peggy is assigning characteristics to the sunglasses before she doles them out. A pair of round John Lennon-esque ones are decided to be “chic and quiet”, and she hands them to Feather Earrings. Lou Rawlsette gets a white pair that has a half-mini-blind at the top, like half-assed Kanyes. I’m sad to report that no judgement of Lou’s personality was made based on the sunglass choice.

Peggy is done handing out sunglasses, and it looks like some were left over. Thinking back to what she handed out, I think she really just turd-bombed each and every competitor except Latifah! It’s kind of funny, but it also makes me think less of her. Oh well. I’ve never been held captive as a conestant on a reality show, so I can’t judge how anyone’s acting.

More twists this week–the Trim Room will be open all day! The designers applaud. But remember, “there’s a two-yard maxim” (i think he meant maximum, but he’s not putting enough breath behind his words to get all the syllables out!) and experts still aren’t allowed in.

The obviously dubbed voiceover tells us that the DuhSquared will be coming around later to check on the designers, but will NOT be offering advice. And later on, a special guest will be stopping by and the sunglasses will start to make a little more sense. Flamebrow is really thinking hard about what’s coming.

“Pilates, olive oil!!”

The designers and experts get to work with designing their wild card,/avant garde creations. Coco and Latifah are up first, and Coco has a really strong beginning. She tells Latifah to visualize that her line was bought by Macy’s, and this piece they’re about to design is going to be the one in the window, the one that really signifies what Lilly Remarkable is all about. Latifah’s first thought is, “It’s evening. We haven’t shown evening.” Coco says, “I agree.” Well, they’re off to a good start, actually!

Peggy and Malvin get to work on their design, reminding themselves to use the sunglasses as inspiration. They opt not to do anything asymmetrical or anything evening-wear, since that’s been done. Peggy says, “My target consumer is me, so what do I want to wear?” Malvin says, “I think we should do a black petal jacket…” and Peggy says, “I think so too.” What the hell is a petal jacket? Peggy starts to wax fantastical about how awesome it is to wear avant garde clothing, a piece that no one else has. Peggy and Malvin talk about their immunity–they can probably tone it down just a little bit, since they won’t be going home. Malvin sketches a tuxedo bolero with a flowy something else.

We move to DJ Mister Rogers and his pushy expert. They’re starting off with the same ol’ messy, loud fabric and the same ol’ draping over the dress form. Does this guy ever have any ideas other than “put some flowy shit on the bitch”? DJ heads off to the trim room to find some sequined fabric, and he finds some silver shit that our dearly departed Faux Gaga would have loved. His expert says she wants to cry when she sees it. Oh no!

Lou Rawlsette and Big Head Not-Perez are sketching out her design, which looks like a Beetlejuice wedding dress design. I would LOVE it if they did that–sent the model to the Gladware hair styling salon to get the choppy bangs and everything! (Ooh, wait, Halloween costume for next year!!!)

On a sadder note, I just heard on news radio that Lou Rawls died four years ago yesterday. Anyway, Lou Rawlsette and Not-Perez are matching their 70′s gray shades to their silk charmeuse wishbone (?) dress with a huge train. I’m actually excited to see this piece.

Back to Coco and Latifah. It’s no longer going so well. Coco is asking, kind of condescendingly, what Latifah’s clothes will look like. Latifah says, “I always want to show off my legs, because I have great legs. My customers have great legs.” Oh really? Coco is pissy because Latifah can never describe what she wants, so Coco doesn’t know what to sketch for her. Cut to a scene where Latifah is dancing around in a hoodie and some lace, saying, “it’s flowy here and the tight…up…” And that’s it.

Oh, and our other battleground states are starting to fight again–Roberto Volcano and Flamebrow. Flamebrow wants to go HUGE with his design, and Roberto doesn’t think that “avant garde” means “costume.” Flamebrow insists, “they said wild card.” That’s not really a compelling argument, and now they’re fighting just because that’s what they DO. Roberto tries to fling his 25 years of experience at Flamebrow, who throws it right back–he’s been WATCHING shows for 25 years. Honestly, Roberto? Let the guy design his vision. Just this once. It’s his chance to go ahead, go nuts, go apeshit. Flamebrow eventually begs Roberto to let him do it, to let him fail spectacularly, by using a Titanic analogy. “If we get hit by an iceberg, we get hit by an iceberg. But we gotta keep sailing.” Roberto hugs Flamey and they get to work. Also, icebergs don’t hit you, you hit them. FYI.

Feather Earrings’ turn to be cuckoo. She’s got some piece of wood smoldering at her work station. I roll my eyes. We pull back to watch her discussion with Russian emigre Faux Austin Scarlette, and there are the John Lennon sunglasses and a shitload of pheasant feathers. (Say that five times fast!) She wants to do an eveningwear design, something with Out of Africa meets Lennon. Huh meets what?? They start draping that hideous fabric she wanted to use for the zebra challenge (how is our baby zebra George doing?), and Feather Earrings exclaims, “oh, it’s gorgeous. It’s like an African sunset.”

Latifah comes out of the trim room and meets Coco’s disapproving gaze. “We already have a lot of that type of stuff,” Coco snarls. Latifah wants something light and airy; Coco thinks it’ll get lost on the runway. Latifah pulls more and more fabrics and Coco hates them all. Latifah finally says, quietly, “You’re so uncooperative, what am I supposed to do?” Coco stares at her woodenly and finally says, just as woodenly, “I’m so sorry that you think I’m uncooperative.” She walks away and all of a sudden, she’s crying and delicately wiping tears at their station.

Aaaaand then she’s hyperventilating and saying, “but you said I was uncooperative!!” Oh my GOD. So, let me get this straight. She gets to be a straight-up bitch for days on end, but the second Latifah off-handedly comments that she’s being uncooperative, she’s sobbing? What is WRONG with this chick? Oh, right, crying = camera time. Malvin is coddling Coco, and DJ’s expert is over there with some snacks to watch the hot mess. Latifah sends them all away.

Coco makes a miraculous recovery, in the way only a drama queen can, and is back to sitting woodenly. She robotically tells Latifah that she’s ready to work when Latifah is, which is clearly her way of sabotaging the situation, passive-aggressively. She sucks. And Latifah laughs. Latifah ain’t no dummy when it comes to managing people, and she’s kinda pissed that Coco’s distracting them from her task. “The challenge itself is hard enough. Without this drama going on.” Coco tells her therapist, I mean, Latifah, that she feels like she’s given Latifah everything she has and has done everything Latifah has asked her to do. “If I’m being uncooperative, then who the hell is making your dress?” Hey, you may be getting the work done, but you’re not COOPERATING.

Latifah brings up the abandonment from week one, when Latifah worked through the night, alone, to get the (almost) winning design done. Coco sits up straigher and her face gets even colder, and she tells Latifah, “well, if you want to go on and do the project without me, you can.” Subtext? “Fuck you, Latifah.” What. A. Bitch. We come back from commercial to even more of these very tense bullshit. Coco, with a shit-eating grin, tells Latifah to tell her when she’s being uncooperative, since she’s obviously unaware of when she’s doing it. Latifah is like, “Whatever you want, I know you’re a shit-eater, let’s just get to fucking work already!!!” They shake hands and tensely get back to work. I notice that Coco gives a crappy handshake too. Anyone surprised?

DJ Mister Rogers and his expert are designing their silver sequined disco ball dress around their pink banana-clip sunglass inspiration. DJ seems pretty pumped, but his expert mumbles about how she’s not sure how the disco ball fits into the overall story. Well, then I guess now is a bad time to throw DJ into the water to see if he can swim, huh? Guess you shouldn’t have been pushing your own vision so hard before? With what I take to be pretty clear foreshadowing, she says, “This is your baby, you gotta love her.” I think this is the baby that’s sending him home.

More time with Roberto and Flamebrow, who agree to design their dress around the idea of “shade”…sunglasses are shades, and their dress will have shading to it. It’s going to be a fitted dress with a big, broad tulle bottom. I’m excited to see it!

Oh, back to Coco and Latifah. I am actually getting edgy as I watch them, it’s so infuriating. I want to smack Coco for being such a bitch, and I want to smack Latifah for not having a bigger clue that she actually IS a contributing factor to this. She’s not adept with the fashion vocabulary, and she’s not managing Coco well. Coco keeps saying that Latifah’s not explaining what she wants; Latifah keeps saying Coco isn’t helping her. Neverending.

With fifteen hours to launch, DuhSquare arrive to give the designers a break. They all convene in the kitchen for some wine and snacks. (Hmm, I want wine and snacks too. Back in a sec!) (Mmm, hard to type with popcorn hands!) Looks like a pretty nice spread–some crab claws, some of that salsa soup in martini glasses (what? gazpacho? okay), little crustini with stuff on it.

Oh wait, it’s Lady Gaga time! DuhSquared tell everyone that they have a special guest, someone who’s huge in music right now. The introduction starts with DuhSq saying, “Designers…if I say “goo goo”, you say…?” And everyone says, “Gaga!” They’re all so proud of themselves. But wait! Duh2 say, “no….LADY Gaga!” Then Lady G herself struts out with purple streaks in her wig and gigantic scary shoulders on her tight black dress. She’s wearing THE Gaga shades and smiles pretty genuinely when everyone applauds. I don’t think she’s a former dude at all!

Duh2 tells the group that Actual Gaga is here to help them with their avant garde styles, so she sets her off to mingle with the group. Latifah kicks off the conversation with a pretty generic question about where Gaga finds her inspiration. Gaga gives an equally vague answer, something about having an idea. Oh, that’s it? Having an idea? Excellent!

As she’s talking, though, she finds a groove and starts talking about how shape really inspires her. She also cautions the designers about getting too crazy with their designs just for crazy’s sake. She tells the group to stay consistent and authentic to who they are, even as they branch out to more wild designs. Hey, Gaga’s a smart cookie!

Twist time! Lady Gaga is going to select one bolt of fabric from the trim room, and every designer must include this fabric in his or her design. Ooh! I like this! I wonder who’s going to absorb it with no problem (Peggy, Lou Rawlsette, Feather Earrings) and who’s going to explode (Latifah, DJ Mister Rogers). Gaga chooses…red hot patent leather. Um, NO ONE is going to be able to work well with that. Well, I can see Feather Earrings doing pretty well with it, since she’s had the bright red popping in her designs before. But how is Lou Rawlsette’s silver/lavendar charmeuse going to work with that?

Oh, no, here it comes again! “Biscotti, aloe vera.” Lady Gaga LOVES this catch phrase and says, “Ciao!” Ugh. Don’t encourage them!

Time for the Tours of Judgment. DuhDuo stop at Flamebrow’s station first. They’re kinda shitty to him, about telling him every week to step back and see what is “too much” about his design. They ask how he’ll be incorporating the red patent leather. They’ll be wrapping it around the stems of some peacock feathers to add a tiny punch to that detail. DuhSq are not impressed.

Next up is Latifah. She’s trying to explain the genesis of the design, and Coco is rolling her eyes in the background. Latifah gives up on trying to explain it or draw it for Duh2, so she asks Coco to help. Even astronauts can see the tension between these two from their perch on the International Space Station, and Duh2 seem concerned.

The boys stop by to see Lou Rawlsette, but she’s boring so we head off to DJ Mister R. Once again, the DJ puns come out: “What’s spinnin’?” Everything is mostly okay until they ask DJ about the red patent leather/vinyl. He’d already shot down his expert’s idea to make a belt with it, and his idea is to make tights. Duh2 make a face like, “um….really?” DJ isn’t stupid and backtracks, “We’re just thinking about it!” They walk away.

Oh, back to Coco and Latifah. Coco’s questioning the design of having a deep V in the front AND the back. Latifah sighs heavily and says, “Just once, I want to hear ‘we’ll make it work.’” Coco immediately chirps in a fakey passive-aggressive way, “okay! we’ll make it work!” Latifah is like, “…but I’d like to believe you.” Latifah concedes defeat and says, “let’s just make the one that’s your idea,” and there’s snippiness about “not able to construct what I want” and Coco lashing back with, “I’m sorry, Latifah. I so suck, don’t I?”

Oh, Roberto. You ham. In the “we’re back! no, we’re not!” trick Bravo likes to pull, we catch up with Flamebrow and Roberto as Roberto takes a nap under the table. Oh, more Costanza fodder, I can’t stand it! Flamebrow says Roberto was calling it the “Dandy Den”. I laugh out loud. Roberto defends himself, saying a cave is like a womb, the birthplace of creation. Right.

Back for more of the banter between designers and experts. There’s discussion about how the sunglasses are to be used in the design–Not-Perez tells Lou Rawlsette that the model needs to wear the sunglasses, just not necessarily on her face. Latifah watches Coco work on stuff, knowing it’s not her vision. Does this mean Latifah’s actually going home? Feather Earrings’ design looks like a Christmas tree. I hate it.

With 11 hours to go, Latifah and Coco sit down and realize they have NOTHING done so far. Coco brings it on by saying, “Why don’t we start off on a better foot and be happy people making beautiful clothing?” They shake hands. Then Coco, as she grips Latifah’s hand, lowers her head–not her gaze–to tell Latifah soberly, “I stayed for you. And you’re not going to win this without me.” Coco starts to cry. Latifah apologizes and grabs her in a hug. Ugh, end this day already!

The next day, Coco and Latifah walk in holding hands. Deep sigh.

Feather Earrings has to braid more crap for the top of her dress.Flamebrow needs to remind Roberto of the time. DJ decides to put the red vinyl in the hem of the disco ball dress. That sounds sucky.

Two hours to go, model time! DJ’s model LOVES his dress. Glad someone does! Lou Rawls is obsessed with the sunglasses being incorporated into her design, so Not-Perez designs a…an eye patch? Huh? Her design looks boring, by the way.

Time for “Who is Peggy Talking Shit About Today?” Today, it’s Flamebrow. She says his dress looks like his model is dragging garbage, and she doesn’t know any women who’d buy his dress. Um, it’s wild card, asshole. It’s supposed to be nuts.

Coco tells Latifah what to do to help her out, and Latifah overeagerly snatches the dress from the table. Her job is to press out the seams and the hem, and to put it on the model. I can see WHY Coco is annoyed, but I still think she’s a big ol’ bitch.

Fashion show time!!

Flamebrow is first. He gets the Rihanna 2.0 model this time, and she works the dress. I like it! I bet the judges don’t! And I don’t see the red vinyl?

Peggy B is next. Her model is wearing a beige knee-length dress with a black ruffley jacket. The red vinyl is bunched up as a rose on her lapel. It’s okay, but it’s not “wild.”

Coco’s design comes next. I mean, Latifah. It’s nice! I like the beading done at the back of the dress that evokes the detailing on the sunglasses. Where is the red?

DJ’s clubwear is next. It’s actually not bad. There are some extraneous details that I could live without, but his model likes it and you can tell. But still, eh.

Lou Rawlsette emerges next. Her dress is beautiful, but the eye patch is a total distraction. I think the red vinyl was used in the sleeve? Huh?

Feather Earrings is last. Her dress looks like a bunch of cheap plastic leis strung together up top and a hot mess of a picnic table cloth down below. She says it’s her favorite piece. Ick.

So, what’d the judges think? Well, Feather Earrings is safe tonight. Really? Okay, go stand with Faux Austin. The remaining five represent the best and the worst. (Whoa, channeling Heidi there.) As DuhSquared said, “Your outfits definitely got our attention. Some screamed gorgeous; while some screamed obscenities.” Eyeroll.

Flamebrow gets the hot seat treatment first. The DuhDuo tell him that they expected more from him, since he IS their wild card. har har! His design wasn’t enough–it needed to be more. Take THAT, Peggy! The judges also call the design out for looking too dark and looking cheap. They also call him out for barely using the red vinyl. Characteristically, when he’s challenged, he stands and blinks with a half-smile. Oh, sweetie, you’re better watching fashion than designing it. It’s okay. I still love you.

Peggy B is next, and she gets called out for lacking drama. I like her piece, but it’s so…tame. Some animals, when confronted, hiss or spray a stinky smell or even drop their tails to escape their attackers. Peggy B. namedrops esoteric designers. “When you said ‘avant garde’, I thought of Maulahlblahblah.” DuhSquared call her on her shit in a heartbeat, saying, “But you’re YOU.” ZING! They DO applaud her use of the red vinyl. The other judges, though, are pretty harsh about the added pooch material Peggy added to the dress. It’s no good. Good thing she had immunity, huh?

Latifah is up next. She does a good job of selling Coco’s dress as her own. I like the dress. The red vinyl was semi-cleverly added as a “panic button” on the inside of the dress, because her model is supposedly attending the White House dinner. The judges think that idea sucks. They think the tulle coverup looks cheap (it does). Coco looks very “oh shit” all of a sudden. They don’t like the stones on the back either. The judges question all the designing that went into this final piece, and Coco speaks up. She sounds panicked and aaaaaaalmost sells Latifah out. Latifah shoots back with an almost sell-out reply, but in the end, they cover for each other. Judge Stephani loves the dress from the neck up and appreciates the stress they must have been under to bang this out in one day.

Okay, seriously, who does DJ Mr. Rogers know, because the judges love his sequined schlock. His expert is like, “um, what?” The more they compliment the stuff DJ himself designed, the more his expert is shown swallowing her pride. It’s awesome. When asked, his designer gives DJ all the credit, and she says she loves the dress. Funny, because she shit-talked it all damn day! The judges just love it.

I still think he sucks.

Lou Rawls is next. They love her work–it fits in with the rest of her line, it’s well constructed and well thought out. They hate the eye patch. HA! I think Not-Perez got it wrong when he said the sunglasses had to be a part of the look. Oh well! Lou barely used the red vinyl at all, but they didn’t call her a cop-out for it, they praised it. Favoritism!

And the winner is…DJ Mister Rogers! WHAT?! Ugh, I’m annoyed! I’m also annoyed at how DuhSquared announce the winners in their crappy voices every week: “Love your work, baby!” Ugh!

So, the bottom three are Peggy, Flamebrow, and Latifah. But Peggy has immunity, so it’s a battle to the death between Flamey and Latifah. Well, since we saw SO MUCH of Latifah this week, can we assume it’s her? I mean, Coco really needs to be put out of her misery. Can someone take her out back to be shot or something? Anyway, it figures that the designers with the least clue and the testiest experts are the ones on the hook.

Backstage judging. They like Flamebrow’s line, overall. They just think tonight was a mistake with color choice–a brighter color would have sold his “shading” story better. Lisa Klein hates it, though, and wouldn’t buy one piece from Flamey’s line. Uh oh.

They’re disappointed, overall, in Latifah’s work, because her designs are “too obvious”. They think tonight’s peace was hastily conceived and hastily put together…and crappily put together.

So, do they send home the guy with a cohesive line of stuff no one wants to buy? Or the scattered line of generically nice stuff?

I get a little teary when they announce who’s going home. It’s Latifah. I’m partly sad to see her go because I liked her, but I’m also just damn relieved to not have to watch that awful tension with Coco anymore. Flamebrow lives to design another Heatherette knockoff!! As he and Roberto walk off the stage, I see Roberto carrying a walking stick. What a pretentious doof.

Latifah gives a speech on her way out, thanking them for giving her an opportunity to give a voice to the real woman, cuz she’s out there. She thanks Coco, as do DuhSquared. They thank her for being a team player. HA! Amazing. Latifah and Coco walk offstage, hand in hand. I wonder if Coco has a poison on her hand to paralyze Latifah, like Gerard Butler did to that cop in Law Abiding Citizen. (You didn’t see it? Why not? Gerard Butler is naked in it, and my brother is a highly visible extra in several scenes! Go rent it!)

As Latifah struts outta there (she’s the best looking loser yet!), the clock starts counting down from 72 hours. Duhn duhn duuuuuuuhn! I hope someone is interested in her vision and can make it happen. Go, real women!

Next time: It appears that Stephani and Lisa are hosts, showing the designers around the premiere denim distressing house, which introduces a design challenge based on denim. Peggy Bundy sneers with disdain about denim being for farmers. Some other twists appear to take place, and then some judging happens. It’s scintillating television, and I hope you come back!

Mwah! Happy new year!