Launch My Line: This Jean Pool Sucks

This week on Launch My Line, we are treated to a spectacular of color and style the likes of which we have never seen, the dawning of a new day of fashion. I wept!

Or, ya know, somebody did a crappy job and went home.

Let’s go see which one it was!Previously on Launch My Line, we got two whole minutes with the actual Lady Gaga, who effed up everyone’s designs with a mandatory red vinyl fabric. We also witnessed the collapse of Lilly Remarkable, thanks to an remarkably bad-tempered seamstress (I’m sorry, designer) named Coco. Latifah struts off, and we’re left with five teams. Before we go any further, I’m going to call out my buddy Flamebrow to be going home this week. Him, or that shortie DJ Mister Rogers. I mean, based on what we’ve seen so far, I’m not far off, right?

Breakfast bitch time! There are 52+ hours on the clock and a plate full of carbs to consume. Go fuel up so you have endurance for your design work!! The camera lingers on a big white envelope with a sprawling “Designers” written on it like an eighth-grade girl on a crush would write. You know, with the contrived, awkward ways of making certain letters so you KNOW it takes that person ten times longer to write a damn sentence. The envelope is resoundly ignored while the designers bitch about Latifah leaving. Well, Lou Rawlsette bitches about Latifah’s design, actually, then reminds us about the conflict betwixt Coco and Latifah. They show a clip of Coco’s deadpan, “I’m sorry, I so suck, don’t I?” I really want to punch her and she’s not even there!

Then VolcanoRoberto makes fun of the pouch on the front of Peggy Bundy’s design. Roberto deems it one of the ugliest fashion mistakes anyone “on fashion TV” will ever see. Sorry, chump, you nailed the top spot way back with your vest made out of one strand of beads. And your awfulness in general. Meanwhile, Peggy’s eating a strawberry like a precious little bunny and looking pensive.

Finally, Lou Rawlsette notices the envelope. She acts like she saw a cockroach. Feather Earrings and her bright yellow opaque nail polish read the card inside the envelope, which is written in that same achingly contrived hand. The card instructs them to gather three yards of one of their fabrics and meet the van outside at 10:30 AM. Road trip! Apparently, the envelope was accompanied by a box grater, a nail file, some nails, and other assorted instruments of cooking, construction, and torture.

Lou Rawlsette and her Not Perez Hilton expert check out their fabrics to choose one for this week. They settle on a really pretty dusky rose color, which will provide some contrast to all the gray and taupe she’s put out so far. It’ll also tie in to the wrap that she used for the swimwear challenge.

Feather Earrings and her Faux Austin Scarlette discuss their options, and he sounds more and more like Dolph Lundgren the more I hear him. “I must break you.”

Flamebrow and Roberto bicker over their fabric choice. Roberto wants to bring the screaming red chiffon, but Flamey doesn’t think there’s enough yardage. Roberto says, “Yep, let’s bring the red.” And I know now that I’m right–it’s Flamey going home tonight. I pout.

Peggy Bundy and her expert Malvin decide on a poopy brown satin brocade fabric for the challenge. Ick! I spent the day on the couch yesterday, sick with the flu, and I watched a LOT of Golden Girls. I don’t think Rose would have even worn this fabric! But they seem pretty confident. At least it’ll go well with the other poop tones in her collection.

The designers end up at a factory with “Citizens of Humanity” on the door, in LA’s Fashion District. Heyoo! We see buckets and implements and people hand-working pairs of jeans on weird leg machine thingies. DJ Mister Rogers thinks it’s “dope.” I think HE is a dope.

Lisa Klein meets them in the back of the factory. oh, I’m sorry, it’s called a “wash house”. She’s covering for Dan and Dean, who are working today. Working where?! Are they actually allergic to the working class, because let me tell you, it takes a village to distress a pair of jeans that you’ll pay $200 for. Anyway, Citizens of Humanity’s wash house is the premiere denim distressing house in LA. Peggy and her ghostly makeup interview to tell us that she hates denim–”Denim?…is for farmers,” she condescends. She ain’t thrilled.

The group waits patiently for Lisa to hit the part of the script where she reveals the fashion element this week, for the sixth piece in the designers’ lines. It is….denim? NO! It is “distressed fabric.” Ooh, that poopy brocade is going to look even worse!! YAY! Everyone looks rather nervous. Peggy, though, just looks pissed.

Now we meet Jerome Dahan, the owner of Citizens of Humanity. He’ll take the group through the “laundry,” as he calls it, to show them how a raw fabric moves through and can end up looking twenty to thirty years older. DJ Mister Rogers interviews like he actually knows this guy personally and tells us all about how he is the big cheese of distressed denim. Feather Earrings smiles and says, “I love jeans.” Don’t we all? Oh, wait, Peggy Bundy is the exception to us classless farmer idiots who enjoy wearing jeans.

Anyway, Jerome warns the group that they could easily destroy their fabrics with some of these techniques, so be careful. Me, I’m paying close attention so I can buy a pair of dark nerd jeans somewhere cheap and distress them on my own. I remember trying to do that back when I was a kid and my family had no money for designer anything, and I sure sucked at it then. Maybe I can do a better job now. My wallet will thank me.

Flamebrow lowers his head and speaks in low tones about how he made a really bad fabric choice for this challenge, because chiffon isn’t going to hold up well to these techniques at all. I’m pretty sure he was fingering a green satin earlier, before Roberto made the red chiffon decision. Oh Roberto, you suck. Also, I said “fingering”!

Man, it’s like Saw VI in there, with the leg forms and jeans taking all kinds of abuse with razors and irons and Dremmel drills and such. Distressing is hard work, and yet they don’t teach me anything! Dangit! I guess I need to shell out all that money after all. You bastards.

Now the designers head back to the back room, where they don rubber gloves. Peggy really seems unenthused and she picks at the threads of her brocade. She brags about having picked a heavier fabric.

Lou Rawlsette wants to do the pleating/ironing trick she’d seen out on the washroom floor, and Jerome is happy to teach her. I might like what she does with this!

Feather Earrings comes over to see, and she likes that trick too! So much so that she asks someone to show HER how to pleat and iron HER silk fabric! Uh oh, Lou Rawls smells the mimicry and she don’t like it! She stands there, giving Feather Earrings a MAJOR stink-eye. Peggy’s looking on superiorly. Feather Earrings looks up and asks, “Do you think this is too similar to what you’re doing?” and Lou snarls, “Well, yeah, it is!” If it helps, I think Lou was doing neat little pleats and Feather Earrings is actually trying to distress her fabric–it’s all a mishmash of random pleats and some burn holes, I think. So, it’s not entirely the same. Even so, I’d probably have a bitchface about it too, if I were Lou.

I am not impressed with DJ Mister Rogers running a blowtorch over the ugliest tie-dyed fabric you ever saw. He is terrible.

Flamebrow knew he couldn’t sandpaper chiffon, so he grabbed the mini-blowtorch and went to town, searing holes into the fabric. His little propane tank falls over as he’s burning, and the editors decide to show it in slow motion, as if something exciting were happening. They also single out Flamey’s incredible gay “oh!” as the can falls. Relax, guys, he didn’t burn the place down. The clip ends with an unsatisfying clunk, just like a can of peas hitting the ground. SLOW MOTION! DJ Mister R interviews that Flamey could have blown them all up. Relax, guy.

Lisa checks in on the group, and they’re all pretty much ready to head back. She instructs them to thank Jerome, like this really is a kiddie field trip. I notice that Peggy gives Jerome an awkward left-handed, over-the-top reach instead of a proper handshake. Bitch.

45 hours on the clock, the designers return to their experts at the studio. Flamebrow very proudly shows Roberto his burned chiffon. He calls it “red hot.” Roberto says, “Oh my God,” and immediately takes it to the dress form. Feather Earrings shows Faux Austin her pleated/burned silk, and it really does look cool.

Lisa Klein is back, and this time, it’s to tell the designers about the inspiration for their challenge. Remember, each week, there’s an element and an inspiration. We get a teaser as we head to commercial. Lisa tells us that the designers’ inspiration this week is another designer, one who is a household name with a unique point of view and memorable designs. Who is it? Tell you when you get back from being told to buy things and to go to the movies!

Okay, we’re back! You get to know the answer now! Who are these legendary designers they’ll take their inspiration from? Each other!!! Oh my God, how hokey. So, it’s a bit of a clusterfuck as they all decide who’s getting whom as inspirations. We end up with these pairings: Lou Rawlsette is inspired by Feather Earrings; Peggy Bundy is inspired by Lou Rawlsette; Flamebrow is inspired by DJ Mister Rogers; DJ is reciprocally inspired by Flamey; and Feather Earrings is inspired by Peggy B.

The next few minutes are sketching and discussion amongst designers and experts about their chosen inspiration. Peggy B. is deemed to have a 1930s style and likes poetry. Feather Earrings is glad her distressed silk already matches the poopy tones of Peggy’s line.

Peggy is stuck on Lou Rawlsette’s asymmetrical designs, and she sketches a can of peas with some tentacles. Seriously, as she’s explaining her creation, I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Lou Rawlsette and Not Perez talk about Feather Earrings as inspiration, and they get….denim. Okay? So, they decide to design a pillowcase top and a pair of jeans (since the trim room has denim). Not Perez says it’s a lot of work, but it could work! It’s his idea, but Lou starts whining about how she has to be careful not to put too much pressure on him because he could break. Um, hello, dummy. He volunteered and wants to do it! He sounds excited! Let the man work!

Flamebrow’s design is based on DJ Mister Rogers, so he’s going towards a Latin clubbing theme. A dancing dress. Muy caliente! Oh good, Roberto is wearing the string vest I complained about before. Excellent. Flamey’s design includes harem pants now, actually, and a lacy bodysuit. Uh oh.

DJ Mister Rogers is trying to articulate how his design will be inspired by Flamebrow, and I’m not following him. It’s going to be a long flowy dress?

Ten Minutes in the Trim Room! GO! Wait! All of a sudden, the trim room is now the “Michael Levine Trim Room.” So, six episodes in, the trim room now has a formal name? Lame. It’s the usual montage of craziness. Lou Rawlsette carries out a big ol’ hunk of denim for her jeans, and she talks about it, too. So, when the camera lingers on a pile of denim inside the trim room, I think we’re supposed to worry. (Two minutes later, as Lou and Not Perez are working, we know they have their fabric, so all that drama was for naught.)

The designers are back to work. Flamey and Roberto are secretly watching DJ Mister Rogers work, and they’re scared of how gothic DJ is taking it. They’re like, “But you’re not gothic?” they wonder. I love it. Flamey whispers to Roberto, “Keep going, we’re winning!” Uh oh, I think that means you’re going home tonight.

I blow a raspberry at the TV when Peggy interviews about her design. See, she’s worried about making her design too EASY on Malvin. She’s worried that he’ll be BORED. Oh, come the fuck on, bitch. I hope she gets a big ding tonight for having a crappy design, just for that comment.

Not Perez asks Feather Earrings what rise she prefers in her jeans. She tells him she’d love high-waisted jeans, if she had the body for them. Ugh, she and Faux Lady Gaga can go smoke a pipe with their stupid high-waisted pants. I hate that style so much! Perez tells us how much work it is to design and sew the jeans, but that all the work he does upfront can make it easier to sew later. He tells us he normally does costume work and is a fit specialist. Well, that’s lovely. I hope this works out for you!

As Malvin leaves for the day, he says Perez and Lou are CRAZY for designing jeans. Malvin used to work at BCBG and knows how hard jeans are to do. Uh oh! Lou justifies the design decision by explaining, “We went to a JEAN company today.” Um, you really don’t get it, do you? I’m beginning to think that maybe she’s a little slow. Peggy makes sure to chime in, too, about how hard jeans are. Shut up, you hate jeans.

Next day! Not Perez immediately jumps to the jeans pattern, and THEN he tells us that he’s actually never done jeans before. Oh no. (Well, how about a denim skirt, then?? I love a denim skirt like nobody’s business.) Peggy and Malvin are gossiping about Lou and Not Perez, and Malvin falls into the unfortunate stereotypical speech pattern for someone Asian, dropping the plurals off of something that’s clearly plural. (Though I know sometimes “pants” become “pant” and “jeans” become “jean”. I just hate it, which is why I’m bitching.) Peggy’s rockin’ either a Baileys on ice or an iced coffee. I hope it’s the former–I want to see her sauced.

The DuhSquared duo are back from a hard day’s work. In fact, they offer to DJ Mister Rogers as they walk up, “We had to….work.” It sounds SO convincing. Who cares? Anyway, DJ and his expert explain how they’re inspired by Flamebrow HIMSELF. I don’t think that was the challenge. I think it was meant to be inspired by the other designers’ designs. Oh well! I hope he loses and goes home, so keep going!

Duh2 stop by Flamebrow next to see what he’s up to. They ask Flamey what stuff he’s distressing, and while I get that this is the element of the challenge, I think that they’re misdirecting Flamey. He will always do more than he’s supposed to, and I don’t know that more distressing is a good idea. But that is Flamebrow’s cross to bear. DuhSquared don’t seem very impressed. But they do toss a half-assed “Regatzi” at him as they leave. Eh.

Also, one of the twins is dressed like a cross, complete with that purple draping.

Next up is Lou Rawlsette. The Duh Twins are impressed with their choice to do denim and don’t squeak up about it being difficult to accomplish in a short amount of time. Not Perez is sewing feverishly as they chat. When she tells the Duh Boys that she’s not going to do draping on the shirt, they don’t have time, the music gets dramatic and the twins look up. Perez even looks up. Sounds like you better do some draping on that shirt, bitch!

The twins stop by Feather Earrings and Faux Austin’s station. They have no unseemly reactions to the inspiration (Peggy) or what the design is so far. They question the belt, and it apparently sparks an argument between Faux Austin and Feather Earrings.

The Duh Boys just watch and say, “um…” awkwardly. Well, hello, just excuse yourself and walk away! Which they end up doing. Still, that annoys me. It’s like they were pissed that Feather Earrings wasn’t fawning all over them. As soon as the twins leave, Feather Earrings goes off on Faux Austin, in a smiley/jokey but totally serious way, about him throwing her under the bus when she was just suggesting options. Faux Austin is all business, telling her he can’t work on the belt anyway, he has to work on the dress. DAYUM.

In the “We’re back! No, we’re not!” segment this week, Malvin is telling us how he joined the track team in high school just to get the uniform. He thinks this story is HYSTERICAL, but I’m not even smiling. I really just don’t care. Go away. (Also, more dropped plurals. I’m just saying.)

Okay, now we really are back, and we’re also back with Feather Earrings and Faux Austin. She looks upset at his stern demeanor. She’s pouting. I’m not sure what upset their dynamic, other than maybe he’s tired of her acting like a petulant child. Maybe his neck is cold. Maybe he is worried about his upcoming fight with Rocky. Who knows? Anyway, he backs down quickly when he sees that she’s upset. He agrees that the belt should maybe include the turqoiuse. He apologizes and says “I come across short in this pressure times.” Aww. They hug.

Flamey and Roberto discuss their lacey bodysuit, citing Dolce and Gabbana and Gaultier. Peggy sneers from afar that no woman would want to wear what they’re designing, it’s too sexual. As Malvin follows Peggy through the design space, he refers to her brocade as being “doodoo brown”. YAY! It’s not just me! And Lou whispers to Feather Earrings how ugly she thinks Peggy’s doodoo cape is. Peggy thinks DJ’s dress looks cheap. Hoo! This is fun!

Feather Earrings is running a pumice stone up and down her fabric. She and Faux Austin marvel at how it looks like silk when she’s done. She says, “Wow, it makes a cheap fabric look like silk!” She’s mystified, and I’m laughing because she just admitted that she chose cheap-looking fabric from the outset!

Flamey and Roberto keep working, and it’s the normal bobble-headed fumbling we’re accustomed to seeing from them. They never have a clear vision, do they? It’s usually half-assed and as-they-go, which just barely keeps them alive. Also, I’m distressed (get my pun??) about Flamebrow not speaking up more with the design. The editing is making it seem like Roberto is taking over the design. That ain’t good, y’all!

The day of launch, with five hours to go. (Well, three, if you count the model fitting and styling that needs to happen.) Roberto looks just plain dumb with the curlers in his hair. He and Flamey decided at the last minute to change the length of the red chiffon. I cringe as he cuts, because the design actually looked GOOD the way it was! I mean, you could see through it and see the lacework of the entire bodysuit, but the red worked with the longer length. Roberto takes the shears and cuts away a good hunk of dress. Oh no! They blame it on DJ for designing dresses for whores earlier in the season.

Does Peggy have any friends? She’s a catty one, that lady. She tells us she doesn’t know how Feather Earrings’ girl will be able to go out to dinner with her butt hanging out. I happen to think Feather Earrings’ dress is lovely, so suck it!

Lou Rawlsette’s seamstress (sorry!) finished the jeans just fine, and he sets Lou to work on distressing ‘em. But then thing is? They ain’t got no top! Lou is like, “Whatevs, we’ll throw it on the bitch when she shows up for her fitting.” Dollars to donuts, the model shows up and busts out of the jeans, and they’re left with NOTHING. Well, maybe a denim skirt and a dusky rose towel the model can hold up against her tits for modesty. Can’t wait!

The models are here! They get fitted, and nothing disastrous seems to happen. By the way, they are “LA Models”. I know we’ve heard that all along, but since everything has a formal name now (I’m looking at you, Trim Room!), I wanted to mention it. The models head off to Fekkai Salad Salon for hair and makeup. I don’t know why we get to see any of the styling, because it barely seems to matter on the runway.

It’s fashion show time–are you ready??!

DJ Mister Rogers goes first. His model saunters out in a tie-dyed sheath dress with a garbage bag vest. The dress isn’t exactly ugly, but I’m not very impressed. I bet he wins.

Next is Peggy Bundy’s poop brocade bridage. It’s ugly. The brocade jacket is huge and unwieldy and ugly. The “I just ate beets!” poopy dress isn’t much better. I think Lou Rawlsette is insulted that she inspired this toilet art. The only cool thing about the dress is the convertible sleeve area. That’s kinda neat.

Now it’s time for Feather Earrings. Her gold drapey dress looks nice enough. I think it looks cheap, for some reason. Peggy compliments the dress and the pleating, but she still complains about the ass hanging out.

Lou Rawlsette is next. She designed a high waisted jean with skinny legs. I thought that a flare was way more flattering for a sailor jean, but okay. The look is nice, though. I love the color of the shirt, and the jeans aren’t bad. Shrug!

Flamebrow is last, and his bright red dress actually looks pretty good on the runway. His inspiration, DJ, seems to like it. He thinks it wasn’t short enough! I think it retained a very Flamey sense about it, and it’ll go well with the rest of his line.

So, what’d the judges think?

DJ Mister Rogers is safe! As for the rest of youze guys, “some we loved, and some we liked a little less.”

Peggy is called up first. They like her dress, but they think the customer would be confused or lost with all the options of convertability. Peggy says, simply, “Pamphlet.” Yes, fine. Guess what? I’ve seen this dress before. American Apparel has one; so does Victoria’s Secret. It’s nothing new–including the pamphlet. The judges also critique the jacket–not for being ugly, but for not being as dramatic as it was on the dress form.

Flamebrow is next. They ask Flamey to describe his distressing techniques. Then they tell him that it’s awesome…and yet pretty slutty. No one loves the tights (and I agree). The judges seem to like it! Yay!

Lou Rawlsette comes up for judgment. Lou explains the denim to the judges–the whiskering and how they were cut on the bias. The judges think the jeans are great, but what about the shirt? They feel let down by the shirt. They wanted more. Not Perez speaks up to save Lou, so they know Lou was concerned about the shirt lacking “wow.” However, he got a pretty hefty compliment from the judges about his denim mastery, so good for him!

Feather Earrings is last. She explains all of the different areas of distress (not including her heart, which was distressed by Faux Austin’s stern denial). The judges think she succeeded in making a cheap fabric look more expensive. (But…doesn’t it cost as much money to distress something as it would to use a better fabric to begin with?)

At one point during all of this, I notice that Roberto is wearing a BRIGHT RED caftan and is standing with that damn walking stick again. What a cartoon.

WHAT?!!!! Fucking Peggy just won the challenge!!! WHAT?!! I am astonished and, frankly, a little hurt. That piece of crap actually won?!

Feather Earrings is safe, which means it’s either Flamey or Lou who’s going home tonight. I’m sick of Lou’s face, but I know Flamey’s almost worn out his welcome. So, honestly, I think I’ll be okay with either one leaving tonight.

Backstage, the judges pick apart the two lines and tonight’s two designs. Flamebrow is once again praised for his consistency, but then one of the Duh Twins says, “I do not see any good design in here.” Wow. So, Flamey’s getting by because he’s consistent, not because he’s good.

Lou’s turn: Duh Squared seem to love Lou, but Lisa and Stefani think she’s crap. There’s no cohesive line to sell, and tonight’s design bit the big one.

So, who’d they choose? Oh stop pretending like it’s dramatic–it’s Flamebrow. Boo! He seems to expect it, and I’m guessing he was getting a little tired. It’s more fun to dress up and watch fashion than to design it, I would think. So, now he can go back and do that, and he can flirt with the mens at parties by telling them what he designed when he was at design camp in LA. That’s fun, Flamey! Roberto gives an overblown speech about himself, oh, and Flamebrow before they depart.

It’s time to leave. Roberto uses Flamebrow’s line about going down like the Titanic, but that they went down in style. His last parting weirdo shot is to say that his UFO is outside and he’s going to Venus, while Flamey is going to NY. I’m not making that up. Patrick’s last word evoke a Forrest Gump memory, oddly enough: “Dandy is as dandy does.” He speculates that he may even work with Roberto again! Who knows?! Now that’s crazy talk!

48 hours to the next challenge! What’s in store for us?

It’s the last episode before the finale. It seems that tension is mounting between each designer/expert. DJ’s expert is in tears. I’m barely compelled to tune in next week. Way to go, Bravo! I hope the ads during the week make it more interesting!